I have this principle about how young children learn. Where it came from, I don’t know, but what it says is this: Young children learn most of the things that they need to know on their own. A corollary is: Child development comprises a variety of stages, some of which are irritating, that are passed through at roughly the same rate regardless of external influence.

This principle has freed me as a parent. It means that I don’t have to impose external penalties, offer rewards, or take toddler behaviour personally. Temper tantrums, throwing things, failure to follow instructions, all normal 2-year-old behaviours. Soon enough 2-year-olds turn into 3-year-olds, or 6-year-olds, or 14-year-olds. They stop acting like 2-year-olds (for the most part) and move on to exciting new development stages. I don’t believe that using a naughty stool, or spanking, or having a sticker chart will really speed up that process. And I don’t believe that normal behaviour is wrong or bad or anything to worry about.

This doesn’t mean that I do whatever Hannah wants. I have carried a kicking and screaming toddler across a parking lot, held her down, and strapped her into a car seat more times than I care to remember. I have denied requests to have chocolate chips for breakfast, and I have moved out of hitting range and said, “Hitting hurts!” I have brushed Hannah’s teeth and applied various ointments and potions over her objections. I know much more about the world than she does, after all, and that’s why I’m the parent. Sometimes all that a parent can do is offer explanations, and get the job done as quickly and gently as possible.

We all make mistakes, no matter how old we are. It’s taken me 30 years to realize that this is not the end of the world, that it’s OK. Making mistakes, doing the wrong thing sometimes doesn’t make you a bad person. In fact there are no bad people, or good people, there are only people. We all have strengths and weaknesses, flaws and secrets and transcendent moments. It’s more important to make whatever contribution you can than to always do the absolute right thing, in absolutely the right way. So I trust in my kid, offer her whatever help I can, and enjoy the ride.

Of course, sometimes, I do sort of want to run away to a spa. Because learning is awfully noisy, and terribly messy, when a toddler is involved.

Since Hannah was born I’ve learned that moms form social networks largely based on parenting philosophy. In many ways it’s easier to overcome vast differences in background, socio-economic status, or ethnicity than it is to overcome how you approach sleep or discipline. We all love our kids so much, and we take the choices that we make very seriously. When someone who I otherwise like takes a totally different path in raising their kids, it’s hard not to feel defensive and critical. After all, I’ve put a lot of thought into this, and I probably feel more strongly about parenting than anything else that I have ever done.

There are categories, or labels, that we use to classify ourselves and others. Often these groups form around books or magazines, with certain authors becoming revered figures, or objects of scorn. Whether you prefer Dr. Sears or Gary Ezzo becomes a sorting method, a way to identify your mama tribe. By the way, I prefer Sears, although I’ve never read Ezzo. In my circles it’s understood that he’s Bad News, although I don’t know anyone else who’s read his books either.

This is something that I struggle with, because on the one hand I don’t like passing judgment. On the other hand, congregating with like-minded parents is so helpful. We can provide each other with a sounding board and much-needed parenting support. I don’t feel like I have to explain or defend my choices, since we’re already on the same page. I don’t hear advice that makes me cringe – instead I hear ideas that are genuinely helpful. So, I keep on, and do my best to be inclusive and open-minded. I think this is the best that anyone can do.