I have spent most of my life trying to be good. I could think of nothing worse than being bad and getting in trouble. In my quest to be good I became a people-pleaser of the highest order, especially when the people in question were in some sort of a position of authority. I wanted them to like me and I wanted to be praised, so did whatever it took to be considered praise-worthy.
One day, I realized that my desire to be good wasn’t serving me. There are some major pitfalls that come with behaving. The biggest one, in my experience, is a life lived for other people rather than yourself. As I sought after praise, I spent my time doing the things that I thought that other people wanted me to do. This is all well and good when other people’s perceived expectations line up with your own desires, but when they don’t it leads to you playing a supporting role in your own life, rather than embracing your place in the spotlight. If there’s any place where you can be the star, it’s the story of your own life.
As I came to realize that in my pursuit of perfect good-ness wasn’t serving me, I decided to make a change. I poked my little toe outside of the box I had built so carefully for myself and dared to ask what it was that I really wanted out of my life. For the first time in decades I allowed myself the freedom to question and imagine and dream. It was freeing. It was exhilarating. I kind of loved it, even as it scared me senseless. Slowly, oh-so-slowly, I moved a little further outside the box by taking small actions for myself. It only upped the ante of freeing-exhilarating-terrifying, but for the first time in my adult life I felt really truly alive and present in my own skin.
I decided that rather than trying to be good, I would try to be good enough. The truly observant may point out that they’re pretty much the same thing, but it felt like a leap to me. This is where I sat for two years or so – trying hard to be good enough. But then my fabulous friend Amanda left a comment on my blog suggesting that we should strive to be bad enough. It really hit a chord with me, and smashed what was left of my box.
Throughout my journey towards a more authentic life I’ve lamented the fact that I didn’t listen to my heart when I was younger. I can see now that I actually had far more freedom to act on my impulses and follow my passions when I was 20 and single than I do as a 35-year-old mother of two. The truth is that I didn’t mis-spend my youth at all. Instead, I spent it trying to be very, very good. In the process I crafted a very socially-acceptable life that was outwardly great, but that never really fit. If I’d listened to my heart and used my youth to write and explore and play I could have built a very different career that was more in line with my own interests and passions.
In short, I wasn’t bad enough when I had the chance to be. And yet, it still didn’t occur to me that I could be bad enough now.
Amanda gave me a gift, by showing me that it’s really not too late to stop trying to be good enough and start trying to be bad enough. We’ve all read that lovely poem about the woman who will one day wear purple. She outlines all of the ways that she will be bad enough when she is old, pausing to suggest that perhaps she should practice a little now, just to get people used to the idea. As I reflect on that I think it isn’t other people who need to get used to the idea the most, but the woman herself. Our own insecurities are usually the biggest obstacle we face in our search for meaning. After all, other people are too busy dwelling in their own insecurities to worry about us.
Practice makes perfect, and practice takes time. This is why the best time to start something is always in the past. But the second-best time to start something is today. If I want to learn how to be bad enough, I need to start now. Of course, I have responsibilities, and of course I will respect those (mostly). I’m not about to leave my kids in the car outside the casino while I spend my afternoon playing the slots. But who’s to say that I can’t give myself a mental health day every now and again? Who’s to say that I can’t dance with abandon, write with passion, eat more chocolate than is advisable, or opt out of commitments that don’t enhance my life?
Thanks to Amanda, I have a new goal – I am going to be bad enough that I know I have lived my life well and fully. I am going to be bad enough that my children can see what it means to follow your heart and take care of yourself. And I am going to be bad enough that I don’t look back on this time in another 15 years and lament how very good I was.
Who’s with me?
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Interesting timing. At coffee with two friends yesterday they told me they see me as “powerful”. “Wow, what does that mean?” I asked. They said I spoke with certainty, that while I was kind and diplomatic, I wasn’t afraid to state my case.”You just seem very comfortable in your own skin”.
Well let me tell you, this has only taken me 65 years to achieve. Like you, Amber, I have long been a good girl. I broke that mold a little in the early 70′s by marching in anti-war protests…but I wasn’t the one using the f- bomb.
It has taken a lot of work to sort out what is best for my needs while still being a mother, partner and good friend. Letting go of some of the problematic relationships in my life was very hard but, in the end, worked out better for all concerned. I have learned that being true to myself is extremely important and is not selfish, despite my deepest ingrained fear.
As my work has always been in interpersonal communication, I am careful to speak for myself, avoid finger pointing and have learned to ask clearly for what I want, knowing that the other has the right to say no. It has made for a fairly conflict-free existence, except in my own home and family where I allow myself to have the odd meltdown. And, yes, I have pulled my hair out while being involved in organizations that contained people that weren’t as perfect as moi. But I’m sure I was a challenge, too.
I am, however, an advocate of civil discourse and behaviour. I am clear about the difference between assertive and aggressive. There are limits to what I think you and I can do, and I try to be a thoughtful sharer of public space.
The beauty of growing older is that I am finally allowing myself to be a bit eccentric. I frankly don’t give a toss about what the current style dictates or what I “should” own, have or do. I generally please myself and find I can do that without trampling over others. Of course, I live with a husband and so need to negotiate what affects him, but, in general, that’s not a problem. We allow each other lots of leeway.
I expect my “being bad” is quite mild and laughable to some. I find that I get away with a lot by using humour, although I know the difference between hostile and non-hostile humour and openly challenge someone who tries the former at my expense.
Being “good enough” is a lovely mantra and, looking at the riches of my life, I am happy to continue this way.Thanks for another great post, Amber. It was so nice to see you last Sunday.(And you must post a picture of your fabulous glasses!)
Twitter: MarilynBelsham
says:
Living your life fully and well. Sounds like a good goal to me. I’m with you.
Marilyn @ A Lot of Loves’s last post … Caramel Apple Bar Recipe
Twitter: joyellebrandt
says:
Count me in!
What a great idea. I struggle with people-pleasing myself, and I’m currently working on living my life with intention, taking control, managing my own (and other people’s) expectations, and so on. It’s a big job!
But it occurs to me to ask – how do I teach these things to my three-year-old daughter? She’s delightful, and she is a people-pleaser. She gets lots of praise for being helpful, and for doing what is expected of her, and so on. There’s certainly nothing wrong with that, and I realize that some of it is developmental, and a lot of it is my job as a parent – I have to set rules and limits for her to follow, and at her age, not a lot of them are open for negotiation.
We do allow, and encourage, negotiation where appropriate. But for the most part, it’s our job to set expectations, and it’s her job to meet them. How do we teach her that she doesn’t HAVE to be helpful all the time, and that she can craft her own life? In an age-appropriate way, of course – obviously she’s not going to be going backpacking to Europe next week or anything like that. I just don’t want her to grow up and be a mom herself, before she starts thinking along these lines.
Twitter: AmberStrocel
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My 6-year-old has some people-pleasing tendencies (that she inherited directly from me, I’m pretty sure), and I’ve wrestled with this myself.
My conclusion is that the best way to teach our kids anything is to live it ourselves. If they see us making our own needs a priority, taking care of ourselves and doing what works for us, they’ll learn to do it themselves.
As my daughter’s gotten older, I’ve also found that asking leading questions can help. Asking what she thinks, and why she’s doing what she’s doing, opens the dialogue in a non-judgmental way and helps me to plant seeds that will teach her to value herself.
Goodness, I could have been the one writing this post. I’ve been a good people pleaser all my life and like you have only recently begun making decisions based on what I want. You have summed up perfectly my own feelings. Thank you for this post.
I loved your article. I was very much a people please until my late 20′s. I bought a Harley and travelled all across the western US by myself. People had different expectations of me when I was on the bike. I didn’t have to be nice if I didn’t want to be. Not that I was ever rude, I might not have spoken. Then kids came in my late 30′s and the Harley girl rode out of sight. Now in my 40′s I struggle with finding the balance.