It’s rare for me to feel as fired up as I do right now about a blog post. I’m going to try to cogently lay out my feelings about the Amanda Todd suicide – an event that happened in my own backyard. I’m not sure I have a whole lot to offer to the discussion. As a child I wasn’t bullied, and I don’t believe I acted as a bully. I’m not an expert on bullying or cyber-stalking, and I’m not an educator. But I am a parent. As someone who’s trying to sort it all out, I feel a strong need to talk about it all in this space. I hope you’ll take the time to join in and share your thoughts as I share mine.
Amanda Todd’s story has hit close to home for me. If you don’t follow the news (and I wouldn’t blame you), I’ll give you a brief synopsis. One week ago, on October 10, 2012, the 15-year-old girl took her own life. She was driven to this following years of bullying, online and in real life. In September she posted a video to YouTube, which tells her story. I was only able to get through half of it, before I was crying too much to continue. It explains how one brief event, which she viewed as a mistake, led to years of stalking, even as she moved schools.
Amanda Todd attended school in the same district as my own children. The high school she was last enrolled at is about 10 minutes from my house by car. I’m sure that I know someone who knew her, or who knows a member of her family. The proximity, if nothing else, has only driven home the point that no one is immune. This could happen to one of the girls in my daughter’s class, if not my daughter herself. By the same token, any of the kids I see at drop-off and pick-up every day could engage in bullying behaviour, and likely at least some of them will during their school careers. Both of those roles carry a lifelong burden. That’s sobering and scary to me as a parent.
Photo Credit: artworksbytb on Flickr
I don’t know what could have been done to prevent Amanda Todd’s bullying and suicide. I believe bullying is a complex issue, with no single clear-cut answer. Of course, I speak with my children about bullying, and do my best to teach them to be kind and caring individuals. I know there are programs in place in schools, and I’ve watched teachers respond to name-calling and hitting. I think they’re doing the very best they can. Could they do better? I’m sure they could always do better – but they need tools and resources and community support. Parents do as well. There’s no single person or organization that we can point the finger of blame at in this situation.
Having said all of that, when I heard yesterday on the radio that Anonymous had outed the man who was allegedly Amanda Todd’s stalker and primary tormenter, I reacted strongly. The person Anonymous named is a 30-year-old who lives in a community that neighbours mine. The story is that he coaxed Amanda to flash her breasts on a webcam, then contacted her later and threatened to publicly expose her if she didn’t ‘give him a show’. When she didn’t comply he used Facebook to share images with her classmates at several schools. He threatened her physically and shamed her publicly, and her classmates joined in. While the identity of the individual is still in question, the events are not – this is what someone did to Amanda Todd. Once again, a young woman is sexually victimized, and she faces the blame for it.
Obviously, I have no way of knowing if Anonymous is right about this guy. But let’s assume, for the sake of argument, that they are. By all accounts they’re kind of good at this. Plus, my reaction upon hearing the radio story came from the place of imagining it to be true. When I heard it, my heart caught in my throat and I was angry. This is an adult man. He preyed on and tormented a young girl. He posted images that could only be called child pornography. This makes him not just a bully, but a criminal on several counts.
Photo Credit: Dan Morrill on Flickr
I am what you would call a bleeding heart liberal. I believe there are complex economic and social factors behind most crimes. You won’t generally find me advocating in favour of tougher sentencing or bigger jails. I also don’t believe that vigilantism is an appropriate response to crime. As a society, we need the protections and framework of the law and the justice system. We need to honour everyone’s rights, not so much because criminals deserve it, but because if we expect our own rights to be honoured we must not violate those of others. You won’t see me going after the alleged perpetrator online.
In spite of my bleeding heart tendencies, this time I can’t make the case for mercy. This time the mama bear inside of me is angry, and I am filled with maternal rage. When you start preying on children, I lose my capacity for sympathy. I want not just justice, but vengeance. It’s not mine to give, but I can’t express in words how furious I am to think about what this man allegedly did. If he is in fact the person who stalked and tormented Amanda Todd I don’t want him walking the same streets as my children – or anyone’s children. Whoever did this must not be allowed to hurt anyone like this ever again. I hope that the justice system prevails, and the culprit is found, whether it’s the man that Anonymous pinpointed or someone else.
When I became a parent, I was forever changed. One of the ways that I changed has to do with the way I view crimes against children. While I’ve always found them horrifying, now I find them enraging. My conciliatory nature evaporates, and I want someone not just to pay for what they did, but to suffer for it. I think not only about the child in question, but about that child’s family. Amanda Todd had a mother, and she will never be the same again. On her behalf I am angry, and I am sad. But mostly I hope against hope that we can do better next time. I think we’ve all had enough pain already, and I want it to end. I know that’s a tall order, but it’s what I’m pulling for. I don’t want to spend any more time shaking as I listen to the radio my car, filled with all the maternal rage I can hold.
Do you find that your reaction to certain crimes has changed since you had children of your own? How do you talk about bullying with your own children? And how has the Amanda Todd case impacted you?
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Amber I feel very much the same as you…and many consider me a ‘bleeding heart liberal’ as well. My breaks over the story of this young child. She made mistakes. Mistakes many commonly make. What transpired after was horrific. More could have been done certainly. Finger pointing is a waste of time.
We are all impacted by bullying in some capacity. I was bullied. I can count the few times I bullied another child. It happens amoung adults ALL the time. And these adults are raising children to carry on the acceptance of being a bully. Standing aside and letting a bully do damage is passive participation and it’s this attitude that needs to be address. Or at least that’s my feelings.
As far as the group who has outed the man responsible for the luring….it makes me sad that THIS is how our society works today. My first fleeting instinct was to unplug, turn off, disassociate myself and my children from everything electronic. I want no part of culture that operates in such a manner. Yes, I want to the man caught, charged and to rot somewhere. But not in this way. If this group had found him and turned him over to authorities without releasing all of his information publicly first I would be signing their praises. But now, I just feel sick at how it played out. Happy. And sick.
I grew up fully aware that a lot of our society are predators. My neighbours possibly. Your neighbours possibly. Friends and family. I was raised to be vigilant myself. To protect myself. And as a parent, I am doing the same thing. Self care seems to be a skill not being passed down to a lot of children. Every day I, you and our children interact with a potential threat. The danger comes when we forget that or choose to discount this reality.
IF the right person has been found, I pray he recived justice. Death? The ‘bleeding heart liberal’ in me has no answer for that. Life, long, alone, in prison sounds so much more unpleasant than the relase of death to me.
I guess my question is to parents and those who interact daily with children and youth – how do we change our culture to a place where this behaviour is not tolerated?
Heather’s last post … Jabs
Twitter: AmberStrocel
says:
That’s an excellent point about Anonymous – they’re really continuing the cycle of online bullying. Surely, there’s a better way to ensure that justice is served than engaging in a public spectacle of vigilantism.
Twitter: m2bb
says:
Honestly, I think my reaction to crimes of this kind, crimes against children, was the same before I had my own kids: I was just as horrified. I relate to much of what you say about being a bleeding heart liberal, but I was and continue to be sickened by “two year less a day” type sentences for crimes against kids, while financial criminals get life. Pedophiles WILL re-offend. Now, as a parent, I have the added fear of “what if…” What if my child makes a mistake and someone preys on that, what if I’m not doing enough to prepare and protect them, what if I look away at the wrong moment, what if my sons take part in this kind of treatment of girls, what if …
The previous poster makes an excellent point: these hackers should have gone to the authorities with their information, not made it public. Innocent until proven guilty and all that, and what if it’s the wrong guy? But let’s say he’s not: no, I don’t wish for vigilante style justice. But no, I don’t feel too much sympathy if his life is ruined, they way he ruined Amanda’s (and surely she is not the only young woman he’s preyed on). This goes way beyond bullying (not to trivialize that aspect of it, the behaviour of Amanda’s peers was in itself shameful), it is a case of a predator, of a child being stalked and harassed by a sick criminal, and as one article I read yesterday put it, of misogyny.
Twitter: AmberStrocel
says:
Yes, exactly. I don’t in any way mean to trivialize bullying. It’s very serious. But the actions of this adult – and we know an adult is involved, we just haven’t verified who it was – are those of a child predator.
This is so sad and horrifying. I don’t follow the news so closely these days, but when I do these stories kill me. That poor dear girl, totally a victim here at the hands of a grown man (if it’s true) who is most certainly a child predator if he did those things. And scary if nothing happens to him because he will no doubt do it again. What a world we live in where we have to warn our children that mistakes or lapses of judgement (um hello that’s what being a teenager is all about) can ruin a life… My heart goes out to that poor family. And as liberal as I am, I draw the line at crimes against children.
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In reason the paper tonight and hearing about the family of the man outed – his whole family is suffering greatly. Aren’t they now victims of vigilante style bullies? Death threats. It’s all too much for me. It’s very pot calling the kettle black.
Heather’s last post … Jabs
Twitter: AmberStrocel
says:
It is. Death threats, bullying in response to bullying – not the way to go. That’s one of the reasons I elected not to use his name in this post.
I don’t know who is the culprit. But there WAS a culprit, who was most likely an adult, who really did those things. That’s the part that angers me.
I’m wondering why no one is asking about the role of Amanda’s parents and school counsellors. Why did these people keep sending her back to school? Why didn’t they perceive the depth of her distress?
Twitter: AmberStrocel
says:
Actually, they didn’t just keep sending her back to school. Her parents and others absolutely did their best to take proactive steps. Read this story: http://www.vancouversun.com/news/Amanda+Todd+speaks+about+daughter+death+with+video/7384521/story.html
It’s very easy, after the fact, to say what should or should not have been done. However, I think it’s important that we don’t start blaming people who were (1) doing the best they could and (2) real victims in this situation. Surely, Amanda’s parents feel more grief and guilt than we could imagine.
Amber, first let me say how sorry I am to hear about the loss of Amanda Todd for your community. I saw this story on the news as was troubled by the story of online bullying. I too feel my mother bear sway my political views and ideas about justice when the abuse of children are involved. I hope that whoever is behind the initial harassment is found and prosecuted. I also hope that all of the young individuals who participated in the bullying and continuation of that individual’s crimes not only learn from the consequences of their bad actions and that moving forward they change themselves and try to make a positive difference in their worlds.
Again, I am so sorry.
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