It’s Thursday, so I’m Crafting my Life! I’m hard at work on the second run of the Crafting my Life course, so I thought I’d share some thoughts that have come out of the class material on money. As always, if you would like to chime in and contribute a guest post about your own journey, please drop me a line – I’d love to have you!
One of the topics that we cover in the Crafting my Life class is money. It’s not exactly the easiest and most fun week in the class, but it is one of the most important. Money, and our relationship to it, shapes a lot of our behaviours and actions. It can make us stay in a job that we hate, it can keep us from having the things we want, and it can change our status in society. Money is tied to value in our culture. Just consider the phrase “net worth“, and you’ll see what I mean.
I’ve heard that money is the leading cause of divorce. As someone who’s been married for 10 years, I can see how that would be true. Sharing finances can be stressful, and it can trigger a lot of our issues surrounding security and happiness. If we’re not on the same financial page with our partner, it can be even more difficult. But getting on the same page isn’t always so easy.
As part of the class content on money, I interviewed Sierra Black. In addition to her fabulous parenting blog, she also writes at the financial blog Get Rich Slowly. I wanted her thoughts on how to share finances with someone without turning it into a battle. And she came through for me, with a suggestion to have regularly scheduled money meetings.
My husband Jon and I are usually on the same financial page, more or less. We’re both reasonably frugal people who don’t spend a lot on ourselves. But even so, we’ve had our fair share of disagreements when it comes to spending and saving, like any couple married for 10 years. We can’t be the only ones who’ve started a discussion about something seemingly innocuous, like what the vegetable garden will look like this year, and had it turn into an all-out argument about family finances. It takes up a lot of space and energy, and it’s not exactly my idea of a good time.
So we decided to take Sierra’s suggestion. Once a week, now, we sit down and talk about our money. If something comes up between meetings, we put it on the agenda. It sounds kind of ridiculous and formal to have weekly appointments with my husband to discuss finances, but it really works. It frees up time and mental space during the week, and it gives us the opportunity to both be heard and be sure that we’re on the same page. It’s actually been a very freeing experience, which isn’t what you’d probably expect from a money meeting, but I’m taking it.
While the money meetings are great, our relationship with money remains a constantly-evolving work in progress. That’s the way that life is. And so I’d love to hear how you and your partner have gotten on the same financial page. How do you share money and share a life without creating too much stress? Did you marry someone with the same financial views as you, or are you total opposites? Please tell me!
PS – Advance discount registration for Crafting my Life is now open. You get all the living with intention for $50 less than everyone else! How can you lose? Subscribe to my mail list to get the registration link.
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Twitter: RachaelNevins
says:
We had that weekly meeting for a while, and then it fell off the calendar. We need to get it back on. I don’t know if our finances cause much trouble in our relationship, but they are a huge source of anxiety for me.
Rachael’s last post … On Shipping and Being Real
Twitter: pomomama
says:
A weekly meeting about anything sounds like a fine idea to me.
re: finances
When we moved to Canada I gave up my job, my salary and entrusted our finances to my husband since he was the one earning the cash. Our bank statements went to a PO Box near his office – I requested to see them many times with no response. Likewise our credit card statements. Likewise statements from the company managing rental of our London property. This was the first time we had ever pooled joint finances in our (then) 8y marriage.
Once I got back on feet post pregnancy (around 3.5y post landing as residents) I opened up online banking, redirected the mail, and started reading the statements as we prepared for (our first canadian) home ownership.
I advise every single woman in the world to take an active part in their financial life, even if they have a partner who they consider competent. You would thus avoid being confronted with a maxed credit card account not paid in full, the loss of hundreds of dollars of unnecessary interest, no savings plan whatsoever, monthly income spent in total, no emergency funds at all ………
He is a polar opposite in terms of finances even though he talks the talk. I deal with as much of the financial stuff as possible to try to reign in the budget/set up savings plans. Sitting down and talking would make no difference in our house – separate bank accounts and individual allowances are my goal. Financial independence once more would be sweet. I’m a realist.
pomomama’s last post … spring break round two
Twitter: mommyingaround
says:
I am the CFO of the house and it’s for the best. I come from a family that was extremely frugal since we didn’t have a lot of money. It’s a very strong part of who I am. Even if I were to strike it rich one day, I would still be using coupons!
I guess I’m lucky because my husband doesn’t have any interest in handling anything that involves money. He trusts me completely and if he ever wanted something, he would just ask me for permission to buy it. We don’t ever keep any purchase secrets from each other and in almost every case, we consult each other before buying anything that is not food. From time to time, I’ll update him on our financial status and when I make investment transactions, I try to explain it to him even if he may not listen. I never really thought about it but I guess I am very lucky in that way. Although some times I wished he cared a bit more.
mommyingaround’s last post … Playing with helium balloon
I missed the money segment but I must go back to it! I did luck out in that Mark and I are so similar when it comes to money. We are savers – fiscally conservative one might say. We have RRSPS, An RESP for Theo, investments, and we own half a home so our mortgage is reasonable. we are very reasonable. But I think we need to break into a thinkg bigger money model.
harriet Fancott’s last post … Theo at 20-months
Twitter: Wendy_Irene
says:
I feel so fortunate that my husband and I, for the most part, agree on the handling of our finances. Once a week I do our finances, and go over our spending. Afterwards, I briefly go over it with my husband. I guess it is a money meeting of sorts but I never thought of it that way.
Wendy Irene’s last post … Triple Berry Greek Yogurt Muffins
I love the idea of having a weekly meeting to discuss finances! I can totally see how it can take the pressure off, too. It’s too easy to wait to mention something until it really bothers you, and then the frustration can make it difficult to discuss things rationally.
The best thing hubby and I ever did for our finances was open personal checking accounts for ourselves. Each month a certain amount (an allowance, really) is funneled into those personal accounts. It’s guilt-free money to be used without having to explain or justify it.
Caryn Caldwell’s last post … Carrot Cubes- Green Pea Puree and Other Baby Food Misadventures
I found that when we combined finances (about three years ago) it was really challenging on a number of levels. Before that if I had overspent (or he had) it was an individual responsibility to deal with it and didn’t impact on anyone else. Not so with combining everything!
I have a much better sense of budgeting than my husband (somewhat ironic given he works in finance) so I’m pretty much in charge of all the money and will give him updates as to what our constraints are at any given time. It seems to work for us. Which is all the more important now that we are on one income which is only occasionally supplemented by my freelance stuff.
Zoey @ Good Goog’s last post … Waiting
Twitter: ladymrules
says:
When we first got married, we kept track of individual ‘play money’ – a small amount that we each got every month to spend as we pleased. Eventually, we noticed that our splurge expenditures were pretty similar in amount (thought vastly different in content!) and stopped keeping track. For big things and household stuff, we confer and have very similar habits, thank heavens. We need to do a better job investing though.
Lady M’s last post … Pleeeeease
I am also the CFO in our house, because I’m pretty anal and love spreadsheets. In fact, I have a huge, detailed budget that I put everything into, almost on a daily basis (obsess much?
We have monthly expected budgets for things like groceries, eating out/entertainment, house stuff, travelling, liquor (!) and personal stuff. Each month we go over what it working and what isn’t, but we’ve been doing it for so long that we rarely deviate. Jason prefers to spend his personal allowance on hunting stuff and art supplies, while I like makeup and jewellery!
It’s good to have a guideline of what we NEED to make to keep our heads above water, since I’m self-employed! I like having a travel budget for the year too, so we can plan where we want to go well in advance.
Twitter: fuoriborgo
says:
Sounds very good. But finding the time to discuss financials on a weekly basis seems a bit ambitious, though desirable.
Francesca’s last post … meeting my future yarn
Twitter: AmberStrocel
says:
It sounds a bit ambitious, but I’ve found it’s actually time-saving. In the past, we spent far more than 30 minutes a week discussing money, in one way or another. It’s kind of like taking the time to plan your meals before going shopping. It seems tedious, but it keeps you from spending all your time trying to decide what to cook.
We’re an older couple, both on a second marriage after spending 20 years living together. My one rule while living together was that our money would never touch. We chose to get married in 2007 and decided to get our accounts in both names (jointly). This didn’t change what had come to be habit; I still spend from my account and he still spends from his. We don’t necessarily share what we spend. His joint account now accepts my social security as well as his and my joint account accepts my pension and IRA payments. I like to spend money on my grandchild and he likes to spend money on stuff that doesn’t interest me like super sound systems which my cheap ears can’t appreciate. I pay the monthly household bills online using his joint account simply because he doesn’t care about online stuff. He pays for some things by check whether they’re for him or me and I use my joint account to pay for gardening or grandparenting. He keeps our one car serviced and I keep the garden serviced. Works for us.
Oldnovice’s last post … Garden 2011 has begun