When my first child Hannah was born I started attending mom’s groups to save my sanity. I remember the early days, when she was only 2 months old but she looked younger because she was born 6 weeks early. And these moms, whose own babies were maybe 6 or 8 months, would smile wistfully. “Ah,” they would say, “I can’t believe my own baby was ever that small.” Lacking experience of my own I lapped up all the wisdom they offered.
In those early days the moms of 8-month-olds seemed very experienced to me. I considered them to be traveling in a different world. What could I possibly offer them when I couldn’t shower most days and I felt like a walking zombie? When my own baby was so very much younger. They had it all together, in my mind, with their baby toys and their containers full of Cheerios.
Even then, very early on, I sensed a certain hierarchy of maternal authority. It’s unspoken but it’s real. Moms with children older than yours have more authority. Moms with more children than you have more authority. It sort of makes sense, actually, because parenting is the ultimate learn-as-you-go gig. The longer you’ve been at it, the more you’ve learned and experienced.
One day I was at yet another mom’s group with my then 18-month-old. I was chatting with them about my daughter’s early days and answering some questions about dealing with distracted babies. And it suddenly hit me – I was now the experienced mom. And while I didn’t have it all figured out, I’d made it through enough that I’d achieved a certain authority. It felt very good to me, I’ll admit it. I like having authority. It’s a little embarrassing but anyone who knows me well is nodding in emphatic agreement right now. I am a know-it-all, in the very best possible way. 
And now I’m the mom of two. One of them is a 4-year-old chatterbox, who to this day is alive and well and can print her own name. That’s really increased my standing in the maternal hierarchy. After all, I can’t be totally incompetent to have made it this far. I’ve leaped a few hurdles and I must know something as a result. So I get a lot of questions from moms who want to know how I handled weaning, or night-waking, or toilet training. Women who are looking for someone who can help them out, or bounce ideas off of.
I still look to more experienced moms myself. When I want to know about local schools or daycare centres. When I’m looking for a good place to buy kid’s shoes. Or when I’m trying to convince my preschooler to put on her own socks. There’s really nobody better to bounce ideas off of or give you the skinny than someone who’s been there, done that, and made it to the other side in one piece.
I can’t be the only mom who’s noticed this unspoken hierarchy. Can I? I also can’t be the only one who sort of loves having some kind of authority amongst my fellow moms. Please share your know-it-all confessions, I’d love to hear them. 
It’s absolutely true. My friend Collette who had her son ten months before Angus was born came and picked us up and took us out when he was six weeks old (I was stuck in the house recovering from the c-section until then) and knew how to put his car seat in her van and I felt like sitting at her feet and holding up my arms to receive all her parental wisdom. Then my niece was born when Angus was one and I went to help my sister out for a week, and at one point after I had gotten exploding-diarrhea stains out of her skirt and was holding her screaming baby without freaking out I suddenly realized my hyper-competent little sister (who had always been more poised and confident when we were growing up) was looking at me like I was the bomb. I also gained points by blithely diagnosing my nephew’s hand foot and mouth disease over the phone a couple of provinces away. His parents are a couple of Ph.d types, so that was intoxicating
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My sister is a pharmacist. Whenever people would come in and ask child-related questions before she had kids, she would say “look, you don’t need a pharmacist. You need another Mom.” Sound advice, if you ask me.
p.s. my husband spent his graduate studies annealing zinc oxide in order to study defects in solids. I will absolutely listen to you talk about your thesis any time. (but I do prefer the cute kid stories).
LOL. My sister has 3 kids which is just one kid more but I always go to her if I have questions. She is the authority in our family (besides Mom of course). All her kids are older than mine and she has twins as well as an 8 year old. Talk about listening to her every word.
It is a learn as you go job and every parenting situation is different. Just as every kid is different. But it does feel great when people ask my opinion on parenting.
Yes!
My kids are now 12 and 7 — WOW! But I love having survived infancy (and toddlerhood) TWICE! I will share my tidbits, and toy, and book recommendations to any new mom that wants to hear. I for one really appreciated all the wisdom I could get. Like you said, It’s a learn as you go gig, and I had a steep learing curve with one high needs baby.
Of course that can backfire, like the one woman that so KINDLY told me in a grocery store checkout that she “never let her baby cry” as I was desperately trying to settle my screaming, flailing infant, I was so near a nervous breakdown that I could taste it. I went home and cried myself dry that I was a terrible mother that I didn’t know how to stop my kid from crying… thankfully soon after my doctor told me I was doing just fine, it wasn’t my fault.
And hey, now he is 12! He made it just fine! He is still on the difficult end of the scale, but he is a great kid!
So interesting and true…except in my case.
In some ways I feel like I do know more than a new mom but in other ways I feel JUST like the new mom. Having my fourth child has really humbled me. I thought I had this thing under control until my intense daughter hit 2 and I had my 4th child all in the same year.
I find myself asking questions to newer moms than me, especially ones that have strong kids or kids closer together…go figure.
This was an awesome blog! So true. In my office I am close with a woman with a preteen girl and one with a 18 month old daughter and me with my 4 year old and baby girls. The same hierarchy exists and it is great.
I was kind of disappointed with my second that the British mums didn’t acknowledge my place in the hierarchy, although I wasn’t around a lot of women with just one child. But now? With three. I am totally the expert. Which is highly amusing and terrifying at the same time.
Yep, there is that useful hierarchy. My moms group was formed around the babies who were born within the same six weeks at the hospital, so all the kids are very close in age. Fortunately, it was led by a great child development specialist/lactation consultant/delivery nurse who I loved. She had a relaxed, matter of fact style that made us all feel competent.