I’m 34 years old. I’m still pretty young. With any luck, I have more than 50 years of life ahead of me. And yet, I feel certain things slipping away from me as I age. I’ll never make it to the Olympics, or be named to a ‘Top 30 Under 30′ list. When I show up at my local high school to talk to some students about blogging, no one is going to mistake me for one of them. With each passing year, time takes on a different quality. It is no longer something I can afford to waste without a second thought.
I have two children. I love my children very much. and I would love to have more of them. But my husband Jon isn’t so sure. The timing isn’t good for us right now. I understand where he’s coming from. He wants to make a careful, measured decision. He needs to know that we can provide a good life for a baby before we jump into anything. He’s just being responsible.
But remember what I said about not being able to waste time? I feel this most acutely when I think about babies. If we put this off for a few years, because this isn’t a good time, will my window have closed? Will I be prepared to undertake another pregnancy when I’m 37, or 39, or 41? And even if I am, will it work? The odds decline all the time. I’ve read the articles. And what’s more, my body is telling me this, loud and clear.
If there was ever any doubt I had a biological clock, my age has put it to rest. I hear that clock ticking all the time. My 2-year-old does something cute? I want another baby. I talk to a new mom about breastfeeding? I want another baby. I lose my car keys? I want another baby.
My nephew plays surrogate 3rd child – it looks good, right?
This babylust is not rational. It’s not like I’ve weighed all the pros and cons and decided that having a baby would be the logical decision. No, the babylust is much more primal. I want another baby in the way that I want a sandwich when I’m hungry. I just … want it. And any rational arguments don’t really sway my longing.
My kids aren’t any help, either. My sister’s son is now 3 months old. He’s a very happy, healthy little guy. And Hannah and Jacob fall all over themselves in his presence. They pat his head and clamour to hold him and make all kinds of declarations about his sweetness and smallness and cuteness. Looking at them, I can see how another child would fit into our family. I like the picture.
I tell myself that if I had another baby, I would be done. I would gracefully move on to the next chapter of my life. But I’m not really sure that’s true. I look at people like the Duggars, who have 19 children and said they would gladly welcome a 20th. Michelle is a full 10 years older than I am. Perhaps I will always feel like I want another baby. And if that’s the case, then I can’t rely on my babylust to guide my decision.
For now, no babies are on the horizon. I continue to hope that will change. But until it does, if you see me looking wistful at the bank one day, it’s just that I realized I forgot my bank card. And I want another baby.
Is your family complete? How did you make that decision? And were you and your partner on the same page? I’d love to hear!