In the week before Christmas I jokingly published a post I called My Actual Christmas List. It contained items I wanted, but knew I couldn’t have, like clean floors and bathroom privacy. As I wrote at the time, sometimes parenting drains the life right out of you. It’s only natural to be wistful about the loss of freedom and degree of surrender that comes with the territory, at least occasionally.
Of course, I should have known that by writing about something like this, I would be invoking the Curse of the Internet. The Curse of the Internet dictates that you’ll likely live to regret whatever you say online. Having a long history in blogging (almost 10 years, now, in fact), I can tell you that I have unwittingly invoked it more times than I can count. And so, on the day when I was asking for a little bit of peace and quiet from my normally-boisterous children, my son Jacob suddenly fell violently ill.
Poor, sick boy
I’ve been at this parenting gig for almost eight years now, but truthfully, neither of my kids are pukers. Hannah, especially, pretty much never throws up. So while I have lots of experience with rotting fruit and messy floors and waking at all hours of the night, a true stomach bug still freaks me out. It takes the wind out of me, seeing my child that sick. And I quickly become terrified when a kid isn’t keeping any food or fluids down. Any parent who’s ever had a sick child knows that feeling of powerlessness, and the internal debate that can arise over what symptoms to be worried about, and what symptoms to brush off.
So it was that I found myself sitting beside Jacob on Wednesday night, holding a large bowl lest he should be sick again, crying silently to myself. In that moment I knew, once again, that I will gladly accept all the little inconveniences of parenting. I’ll take the night wakings, the 30 minutes it takes us to get out of the house, the dirty floors, the rotting fruit, the loss of privacy, the public temper tantrums, and the complaints over my shepherd’s pie. At least when my kids are doing those things, I know that they’re behaving like the normal, healthy children that they are. It may be wearing sometimes, but it doesn’t come anywhere close to the fear and exhaustion of the alternative.
Having children has humbled me, and it continues to humble me. The way that my own needs take second-place. The way that my kids exert their own personalities, regardless of what I do (or don’t do). And the way that one sick little four-year-old boy can leave me completely bereft, until I’m wishing that he would make some noise and leave a mess somewhere, after all. Maybe those messes aren’t so bad, all things considered.
amberstrocel
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Twitter: AlmostTruth
says:
I try really hard not to wish away my present with my children because I have seen how quickly time goes and how awful we feel when they aren’t even feeling well enough to make too much noise. It is humbling. That said, I wouldn’t mind a few uninterrupted showers or phone calls. Just every once in a while.
Hope your little guy really is all better and stays that way!
Brenna @ Almost All The Truth’s last post … A Kinder New Year in Glasses
Twitter: AmberStrocel
says:
It’s true, it is lovely to be free of interruptions. Just every once in a while.
OMG. That is SO scary. Two full days! Theo never pukes either. He puked once (as in just once), and I freaked out! LOVE the bounce back though. Kids are amazing. Theo has been to the ER twice now for asthma (the 2nd time on Christmas night) and he was ready to RUN out of the hospital (which they DENIED) within two hours. Unbelievable.
harriet Fancott’s last post … Gratitude
Twitter: AmberStrocel
says:
Kids really have this amazing healing ability. It does kind of knock my socks off.
Twitter: bitterindigo
says:
My kids most definitely ARE pukers, but it still freaks me out. And it is horrible to see them when they’re that sick. Then they get better and you feel like a ticking time bomb until you start puking yourself.
My kids are pretty self-sufficient at this point, and it’s nice, but I do sometimes miss the times when I was more instrumental to their every waking moments. A little.
allison’s last post … The squeaky angel gets the grease: What happened at Christmas time
Twitter: AmberStrocel
says:
Jacob was sick the week before Christmas, and I was looking at the rest of us, terrified that we would all go down sick on Christmas Eve, thus ruining the holiday. However, all three of us managed to avoid it. Thankfully.
So glad your little guy is better! I have zero experience with puking, myself included, and since my daughter was never a puker, I hope my son won’t be either but I imagine I may not be so fortunate. And I totally relate to wanting both occasional privacy AND healthy children.
-Dana
Dana’s last post … Where my (GF) Peeps at?
Twitter: AmberStrocel
says:
In fairness, I can’t really say my son is much of a puker. In four years, he’s had two bouts with some kind of GI bug that would cause him to vomit. But if he never has another one, that would be super-great.
And yes, there are a lot of conflicting feelings in motherhood, FOR SURE.