I have been buying my own gifts for the past couple of years. On my birthday, Mother’s Day and Christmas I do my own shopping and just ask my husband to get me a nice card. I have decided that at this stage in our relationship there is little to be gained by dropping hints and making suggestions. I know what I want, and it saves us both a lot of hassle if I just purchase it on my own.
10 years ago I would have found this attitude shocking. Or, at the very least, unromantic. Isn’t the surprise and the pretty wrapping paper the point of the occasion? Don’t I want people to express their affection for me through selecting the perfect item – the one I didn’t even know I wanted? It turns out that, in fact, I don’t. Not even a little bit. These days, it is a rare occasion when I buy myself something totally frivolous. The opportunity to spend money on something just for me, that is exactly what I wanted, is too good to pass up. So I don’t.
For Mother’s Day this year, I decided I wanted a piece of jewelry. This is not the kind of thing I would normally buy myself, because, frivolous. But it’s Mother’s Day, so frivolity is in order. I asked my good friend PoMo Mama to make me a necklace. She makes a lot of her pieces by crocheting wire, which is both beautiful and surprisingly sturdy. Sturdiness is especially important, because any jewelry I wear will likely face off against my toddler at some point, regardless of any efforts I make to the contrary. That is just the nature of my life as a mom of small children.
So on my birthday last week my toddler Jacob and I headed off to visit PoMo Mama’s house. She even baked me birthday muffins, which were delicious. And then Jacob played while I oohed and aahed and shopped for my gift.
The birthday muffins
Jacob checking out all new toys
There were so many pretty, shiny things to look at. So many.
Finally, I gathered a container full of my favourite beads, and left it in PoMo Mama’s capable hands.
My container of beads
PoMo Mama was at Northern Voice on Saturday, and she brought my finished necklace. One day early and everything! I was so pleased to have it to wear during my panel. And I was thrilled with how it turned out. It is just what I wanted, because I chose it myself. And because my friend does such fabulous work, too, of course.
It’s true that the ethic of buying my own gifts is different. But I think that everybody wins. It’s less stressful for my husband, for sure, and it thrills that charming little control freak inside of me. Although I still cherish the gifts from my children most of all. Their scribbles on a piece of paper are much better – especially when I’m wearing my self-gifted frivolity while I look at them.
How about you? Do you ever buy your own gifts? Why or why not?
I so agree with buying(or picking) my own gifts! I told my family exactly what I wanted this year(a hanging basket of beautiful flowers) and I got it and I LOVE it!thats about as frivolous as I get these days!
Amen! I stopped expecting my husband to pick up on the hints years ago (and I certainly don’t bear him any ill will over this) … but I never thought of just buying the gift myself. What a great idea! It’s so true that, as mothers, we rarely indulge in things like buying ourselves jewelry or other frivolous things. So why not just treat ourselves this one day of the year without feeling guilty about it? This year I indulged myself with 10 bags of organic compost, but next year I think I’ll try jewelry
.-= Sarah´s last post ..The Lawnmower Man =-.
What beautiful jewelry! And happy mother’s day
I need to start getting my own gifts. Tom *hates* gift-giving. He hates feeling like there are expectations, he hates trying to make something a surprise, the whole process puts him in a horrible mood. Maybe I’ll try this for my birthday and see how it goes!
.-= Dionna @ Code Name: Mama´s last post ..The Joys of Breastfeeding a Toddler #5 =-.
Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are tough. For me, I would rather enjoy spending a fun day with my husband and kid. Although my husband bought me a couple of books (from him) and a few coloring books (from J). I do like the idea of picking my own gift though. Maybe I will suggest this for Father’s Day…
.-= Sara´s last post ..Still Alice by Lisa Genova =-.
That necklace suits you to a T! Its lovely.
As for gifts, my husband tends to be a good gift buyer. He realizes that the things I want, I usually research and buy them myself, or, in the case of something with a bigger pricetag, buy with his input. So the little (inexpensive) things he buys me, I enjoy very much. Every year for Christmas, I get a bottle of my favorite Clinique moisturizer. Its a tradition, I guess. He wraps it all up (he does the best box wrapping in our house) and presents it to me. He buys little things that he knows I will use, or enjoy, like romance novels, pajamas, that sort of thing. Its sweet that he remembers what I like. I try to do the same for him with SF books, American Crew products, or a new Old Navy hoodie to get all trashed around the house doing yardwork.
Last year for Christmas, after we bought for our son and family gift list, we decided to buy something for the house instead of “big” gifts for one another (we always end up with little things for each other anyways, but this meant we didn’t have to go and get that one signifigant $$ gift we normally do). So we bought a (much needed) new dish set, and stemless wine glasses (toddler-spilly-proof, sort of), and some expensive Christmas ornaments to start our collection. It was fun, picking it all out with him, and having the pressure off to buy a whammo big gift. It was a gift in itself, the time spent together, and the sense of luxury from the new things! We will likely continue this tradition. This year, I am going to suggest we buy a dishwasher, or perhaps a small greenhouse to start seeds in the Spring.
Everyone has an idea of what works best. I love gift giving, and strive for each gift to be unique and suited to that person. I get a thrill when someone really, really likes what I bought them. I do agree, though, that we tend to put a lot of emphasis on the “perfect” gift, and it can be very stressful. Any way to mitigate that, especially if it works within the family personality, is great!
.-= Caroline´s last post ..Looking Forward from Loss =-.
I suspect that I really should start buying my own if I actually want something
Mike always complains he has no idea what to buy me so I might as well make it easier on him.
Hear that Mike? I’ll be buying my own birthday gift this year, you just smile and nod, got it?
.-= Carrie´s last post ..Happy Mother’s Day! =-.
Well I didn’t before but after reading this post I think I might start. That way my husband won’t have to feel bad when I am sad that he didn’t get me anything. Seriously! This is a fabulous idea. Revolutionary. Maybe it was there all along and I just needed someone to tell me it was okay, and now you’ve done that. I don’t care so much about jewelry though. I just want to go do about $40 worth of damage in the craft store.
I love your necklace too, by the way. It goes perfectly with your hair and complexion and the color you’re wearing. Crocheting wire for jewelry is an awesome idea!
.-= Jenny´s last post ..Happy Mother’s Day! =-.
I haven’t started buying my own gifts, and I don’t think I will. I do go out and buy myself little things once in a while, but when I think back to my own childhood and remember going shopping with my dad for my moms gifts I am happy. I want my children to have this too. As my children get older, into their teen years, I will expect them to save some of their money and chip in for the gifts they want to buy, not just for me, but for other family and their friends too. I don’t make lists and I don’t drop hints and actually, I can’t say that I have ever been disapointed in my gifts.
.-= Heather´s last post ..Incomunicato =-.
I think you’re so right … and also a little wrong too. I am so with you and the other comments about gift pressure and disappointment, yet I still wait for that knight on a white charger to gallop along.
My husband has come up with some gorgeous gifts for me over the years but on the whole it has been hit or miss; the last few years have been grim but in fairness I also haven’t really known what I wanted in advance. I also have reduced my expectations of him re: gift buying as he doesn’t make much of an effort with his own family, nephews or even his own son so I’m possibly flogging a dead horse.
I think Amber I’ll be following your lead on the personal gift/celebration thing but continue to try to instill a sense of gift-giving-for-any-occasion joy in my son so he escapes the familiar male trait of being useless at responding to someone else’s emotional needs (cos that’s what it does come down to).
PS: necklace looks fab
.-= pomomama aka ebbandflo´s last post ..Happy Mother’s Day =-.
I don’t like to buy my own gifts.
But. I also have no problem giving lists, or saying, hey, I’d really like something from here, or I’d like to do this.
I really LIKE the “romance” and surprise of opening at least somewhat unknown gifts.
But then, I’ve been blessed with a husband who always seems to know what to get – even when I don’t tell him.
I think if this works for you, then awesome! What’s the point of not getting what you want when you only get a couple days a year when you’re totally allowed to get something for yourself!?
.-= kelly (@kblogger)´s last post ..My Motherhood Roadmap =-.
First: love the necklace! Happy MOther’s Day to you!
Second: I couldn’t agree more. I’ve yet to make an actual purchase (but why the hell not), but I gave up secretly hoping he’d get me something cool years ago. Instead I tell him some great ideas that i’d love to receive. I even say, “Honey, here are some great ideas for me for Christmas!”
Some ppl have told me they think it takes the point out of giving, but I absolutely refuse to be one those bitter wives who always complain that their partner never gets them good gifts. No thanks! Hubby is happier and so am I!
the moment I had kids..I said M day was for OUR moms and that I didn’t want or need anything from him…though he usually does the flowers etc….I have always said some peace and quiet is all I ask as a gift ANYTIME!
I just like the stuff the kids make me!
.-= Crunchy´s last post ..Literal Minds and Advertising =-.
Love that necklace!!!!!!!!!!! I buy my own gifts, as an excuse to get something that I normally wouldn’t buy for myself, and my husband is happy that way, too!
.-= abbie´s last post ..My First Mother’s Day =-.
I’ve been buying my own gifts for quite some time too. Every so often my husband surprises me with something small to open on the occasion that is an addition to whatever I picked out for myself and usually he does pretty well. I started buying my own gifts on a regular basis when he FORGOT Mother’s Day about 4 years ago. Oh, he’d tell you he didn’t FORGET, he’ll say that he just didn’t know what to get me and so he waited until the evening before to ask me what I wanted. However, I know him well enough to know that he FORGOT and he was trying to cover his tracks. I sent him off to the store to buy me this cute purse I’d seen a few days prior and while he was gone, I thought, “Well, that was stupid! Why didn’t I just buy it for myself when I saw it?” When he got home with the purse, I told him that from that holiday forward, I’d buy my own gifts. It’s just easier that way. On one hand I know he appreciates it, because he’s not a big fan of shopping and he truly gets flustered trying to find something for me. On the other hand, he doesn’t feel quite right about it because I always pick out his gifts myself and he feels like he’s not doing “what husbands should do”. He’ll just have to live with his conflicted emotions about the issue…I much prefer buying my own gifts to being FORGOTTEN on Mother’s Day!
.-= Earth Muffin´s last post ..Happy Mother’s Day =-.
I buy my own things throughout the year when I want something, but I haven’t given up my desire for my husband to get me the perfect gift. He’s not very good at giving gifts and I am generally disappointed unfortunately, but for some reason I keep giving him chances to get it right. It’s not really working for me so maybe I should just go and get what I want. I think I’m married to the romantic notion of gift giving and receiving though. And maybe because I generally do a pretty good job of it I feel that those who know and love me the most should be good at it too. Sadly, I think I should move on from this train of thought. Sigh. That is one very pretty necklace. Does she have an etsy shop?
.-= Melodie´s last post ..Their First Protest =-.
Why yes, she DOES have an Etsy shop. Check it out! http://www.etsy.com/shop/ebbandflo
Yea Pomo Mama – we heart you! The necklace looks lovely.
My gift tactic is to be out with Mark and if I see something I like, I say, “What an excellent birthday gift that yould make. I know it’s a few months early, but…” It works very well!
.-= harriet Fancott´s last post ..Mother’s Day 2010 =-.
I absolutely *LOVE* the necklace you “received” for Mother’s day! Lovely! It looks perfect on you with your fair complexion and blonde hair too!
I usually don’t buy myself gifts, no. BUT, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, it’s just hubby is usually WAY ahead of the game and spends WAY more than I ever would. LOL!! My Mother’s Day gift was 2 tickets to see the play Cabaret this year! My birthday gift was a KitchenAid Accolade Mixer… so I tend to just let him do his thing! lol!!
I totally buy my own gifts. It is easier that way. i don’t feel disappointed when I get something crappy or nothing at all (gifts are not a strong suit) and he doesn’t have to deal with the stress. I think he feels a bit guilty but I love it!
.-= Capital Mom´s last post ..Montreal =-.
Amber, I am with you 100% on this one! My husband and I have been doing this for a while now, and it works out very well. The only problem is that for Father’s Day or his birthday, I’ll tell him to pick out a gift for himself and he won’t get anything. He says he doesn’t need something new. I feel guilty about this, so I still try to buy presents for him.
Since these are leaner years with me being a stay-home mom, we have also done the “let’s buy something for the house or do something fun” gift, and it has worked out really well. Actually, I prefer it that way, but it’s hard when my younger friends with more romantic notions ask what we got each other. Sometimes I feel like I have to justify our gift-giving style.
.-= Roula´s last post ..Minor Accident =-.
I always buy my own gifts. My husband refuses to buy them. He told me when we first got together that he didn’t ever want to worry about if I liked it or not so he doesn’t bother. I even picked out my own engagement ring. I go out and buy my gifts. He pays for them. (Actually it’s a joint account so I suppose I pay for them too). I still think it’s completely unromantic and I’d love to receive a surprise gift that I truly loved and didn’t pick out but there is something to be said for practicality – I never have to worry about having to exchange my gifts.
.-= Marilyn´s last post ..What Makes Good Blog Content? =-.
Happy (belated) Mother’s Day! Yes, we do our own gifts a lot. I’m practical like that and he never remembered my hints so I’d much rather just say exactly what I want and that way he doesn’t stress either. We just had a conversation about this over the weekend though, saying we miss the surprise some, so I think we’ll mix it up a little for the next gift giving holiday.
.-= AmberDusick´s last post ..I need your help…paint =-.
I am just figuring this out. After 3.75 years of marriage.
Hints are extremely difficult for men to pick up on!!!! So we are saving ourselves (and them) a lot of hassle. I either tell him what I’d like, or just buy it myself and save on gift wrap, et all. Growing up, I suppose. haha
.-= Laura´s last post ..Happy Mother’s Day =-.
wow, I should start getting my own gifts – that necklace is awesome! My husband is great at getting me what I want – A new graphics card for my computer – now I can play “Sims 3″ *hehe* I’m a nerd…
I love the surprise and unwrapping, so I’ll keep dropping hints. I usually get something else, but nice things, usually not too expensive, so we’re both happy. We’ve been together for almost 15 years, married for 4 years now. different couples, different solutions. I pick out some of my presents, btw – bras. My husband likes giving me nice underwear, but he can’t remember my bra size
Vee
.-= Veelana´s last post ..The first bunch has arrived! =-.
Amber, the necklace is gorgeous!! Your friend does lovely work, and I think it’s so neat that you get to co-create with her, by choosing the beads. Wonderful!
My husband and I decided years ago that since I’m not his mom, and he’s not my dad, that we were not going to play that game. As the girls grew up, they’ve used their own money for our gifts.
This year I told them that what I wanted was the gift of their time to do a chore of my coosing. Dd20 will be cleaning my bathroom, DD22 will be re-arranging my kitchen cupboards, and DD27 will be tackling the room that has become hers by default (her sisters moved out; the room’s a pit).
When it comes to birthdays and Christmas, he and I do not exchange gifts. If we’re flush, we get to keep our gift money, instead of paying bills with it!
.-= Trece´s last post ..Some of the marbles I’m losing. . . =-.
I totally buy my own stuff too!
All I can say is:
I want.
I think I will start buying my own presents, because … well, I get disappointed a lot the other way.
.-= Lauren @ Hobo Mama´s last post ..May Carnival of Natural Parenting: Role model =-.
Hey I decide this year i didn’t want anthing bought for me. I just wanted to have a nice relaxing day with my family. My daughter made me 3 wonderful cards, that she now writes in her self. Also she painted & decorated a plant holder and witha spider plant at school. I loved my made Mothers Day gift and the best part of it all was I got to sleep in till 10am! ALso my favorite breakfast French Toast>
I don’t really like to buy my own gifts. My husband really wishes I would. I usually give lists around my birthday and Christmas (which is within a month of each other).
This year, I got to go shopping on my own for 2.5 hours. It was pure bliss to be able to browse the stores at my leisure. But it made me realize something, I really don’t like shopping for myself that much anymore. It is just not the same as before I had kids. But I sure love shopping for others.
P.S. I really like the necklace you chose.
.-= Lisa ´s last post ..How this all started… =-.
What a great necklace! I love it.
My husband got me a box of chocolate truffles for Mother’s Day, which was really romantic. My own suggestion would have been far less romantic (the Pottery Barn beach blanket with a cute pink octopus decoration), so I’ll go and get it myself.
.-= Lady M´s last post ..The Trouble with Numbers =-.
Beautiful necklace. I’ve made a few crocheted things with wire, but they bend too easily, I probably need to get hold of a bigger size wire. About the presents, to be honest I hardly ever get any, but my mom always sends me something on my birthday.
.-= Francesca´s last post ..Away =-.