Strocel.com | Crafting my Life

What I Will do This Year

Amber on May 7, 2012 5 Comments

I celebrated my 36^th birthday on Saturday. It was lovely. My daughter Hannah painted my portrait. My son Jacob took every chance he could to gleefully say, “Happy birthday, Mama!” I met my new niece, Madeleine. It was a good day.

I think of my birthday as my own personal new year. It’s when my calendar changes from 35 to 36. Last year I marked the occasion by setting some personal intentions. I threw some stuff out to the universe and myself, in an effort to send a message about what I wanted to see in the year ahead. I said that I would write a book proposal, grow watermelons, decide what to do with my wedding dress, stay in a hotel with my husband and no children, drink more tea and attend BlogHer in San Diego, amongst other things. But the most important item on the list was this one:

Not beat myself up if I don’t do everything on this list.

Did I do everything on my list? No, I did not. In fact, I only completed seven of the sixteen things I listed. Still, that’s seven things that I hadn’t done as of this time last year, so that’s something. Plus, I also did a whole lot of stuff that isn’t on that list.

In spite of my failing grade, I’m making another list this year. I think the list is more like a list of aspirations or ideas than a to-do list I must complete. It’s about setting a tone, if you will. I think that’s a valuable exercise, no matter what comes of it. So without further ado, here’s my list for this year.

What I Will do at 36

Create a work space that is not shared with my kids’ toys, so that I can go inside it and be in work mode, not mom mode.
Visit New York with my husband, and go to BlogHer.
Grow quinoa (the seedlings are already coming up!).
Learn how to walk in high heels.
Source some non-toxic makeup for myself, just in case I want to be fancy and stuff.
Sew myself a dress from a vintage pattern.
Start a regular meditation practice.
Take a pottery class.
Spend more time at the playground with my children.
Swim in the ocean.
Bake cookies.
Teach my daughter Hannah to knit.
Teach my son Jacob to wipe his own bum (if I succeed at this one, the only bum I wipe will be my own, such liberation!).
Ride a roller coaster.
Get more sleep – at least seven and a half hours each night.
Take a fabulous vacation with my family.
Not beat myself up if I don’t do everything on this list.

What do you want to do with your next year on earth? I love it if you’d play along in honour of my birthday!

Tagged With: Birthdays, Crafting my Life, Navel Gazing

Embracing a Life of Less

Amber on April 12, 2012 5 Comments

A couple of weeks ago for Enviro-Mama Thursday I talked about Environmentalism and Privilege. Specifically, I discussed the way that some sustainable products and environmentally-friendly choices are much more accessible if you have money. Like, say, buying only organic produce or driving a Prius. If you’re just getting by, some greener choices are out of reach.

As I discussed in that post, other times the greenest choice is also the most frugal choice. Like, say, buying less stuff overall, or shopping second-hand. Both of these actions are light on the earth, and both will also save you money. However, the same choice can feel very different depending on why you’re making it. If you enjoy second-hand shopping, and you’re doing it because it conforms with the sort of life you want to live, the thrift store may be your happy place. If you’re buying second-hand because it’s all you can afford, and you’d really rather be able to just go to the mall and buy a brand new pair of shoes, you’re probably not going to have an awesome shopping experience at your local Value Village.

In our culture (and maybe in most cultures), value and money are all tied up together. When you have a healthy bank balance, you’re said to have high net worth. When you’re shopping, you talk about how much something is worth. More money equals more value, for people as well as things. I’ve been on all sides of this equation, and it’s not much fun. It perpetuates the notion that we attain status by buying status symbols. And buying status symbols isn’t exactly good for the planet.

The fact that you can afford to buy something doesn’t mean that you should buy it. This is every bit as true for “green” products as for plastic tchotchkes with blinky lights that are manufactured overseas in a country with lax environmental standards. Sure, all things being equal, it’s better to buy something that’s created with the environment in mind, but in the end the absolute greenest choice you can make is to not buy anything at all.

One of the things that has helped me on my own personal journey towards living a more sustainable and meaningful life is learning to embrace a life with less. While I may not always be able to buy everything I want, the truth is that I already have everything I need. When I spend my time in gratitude for what I already have, instead of lamenting what I don’t, I’m much happier for it. I’m also far less likely to try to compensate for whatever isn’t going well in my life by spending money. This is another one of those things that is good for the planet and my wallet – plus it’s also good for me.

At the risk of being a little bit simplistic and trite, this act of embracing a life of less has implications in the discussion about environmentalism and privilege. When you feel as if you’re in control of the choices you’re making, it’s easier to make them. When you’re having a good time replacing some buttons on an old shirt instead of just buying a new one, it doesn’t feel like a burden. When you make lifestyle trade-offs so that you can work less, and you really do it with both eyes open, it’s easier to accept that you may not be able to take that big trip or buy the all-natural, hand-crafted, super-expensive, wooden Waldorf toys. When you’re clear on what you’re doing and why, things fall into place more easily.

I’m not saying that it’s okay that pesticide-free produce and non-toxic shampoo are out of the reach of many families. It’s not. But it’s the world we live in at the moment. We can advocate and we can write letters and we can contact our elected representatives. But at the end of the day we still have to make the best choices that we can with what we have. That may mean that we’re not able to do it all. No one person really can. But by doing what we can, and making our choices as consciously as we can, we come out ahead. Not because we have no other option, but because we are working to create lives that are imperfect, but meaningful all the same.

How does your attitude impact your experience of making green and frugal choices? And do you ever not buy something in order to reduce your environmental impact? I’d love to hear your thoughts on how embracing a life of less can make it easier to live more frugally and sustainably.

Tagged With: Crafting my Life, Enviro-Mama, Money, Navel Gazing

Enviro-Mama Thursdays

Amber on March 1, 2012 11 Comments

For the past two and a half-ish years I’ve been writing about my Crafting my Life journey every Thursday. It’s been very positive for me. What started as an exercise in self-examination grew into a new life for me, an online class for moms who want more meaning, a play book and really a whole community. If you want to know what blogging has brought me, it’s this: a space to write in, connections with amazing people, and a sense of direction.

Creating Space Through Separation

As Crafting my Life has grown in its own right, I’ve been thinking about what I’m doing here on Strocel.com. It’s becoming increasingly clear to me that the two sites have become independent entities. I want to create space for each to grow in its own direction. I’ve decided to split them up, and stop writing my weekly Crafting my Life posts on Strocel.com. Instead, I’ll move from writing two times a week to three times a week on the Crafting my Life blog. If you’re on a mission to live a life of purpose and meaning, I hope you’ll join me there. Subscribe the Crafting my Life RSS feed, and you won’t miss a word.

I like the focus of having a topic I visit weekly, all the same. After some thought, I decided to go green with Enviro-Mama Thursdays on Strocel.com. Each week I’ll write something about my efforts to live a more sustainable life. In many ways, this is just an extension of my mission to live with greater authenticity and purpose. Taking care of the environment is one of my core values. It’s an expression of the kind of life I want to live, and as I do it I’m bringing more intention into my own daily routine.

I’m stretching my wings

Enviro-Mama Topics

Here are some subjects I’ll be writing about each Thursday:

My One Green Thing for the month.
Gardening and local eating.
Reducing the number of toxins in my home.
Green issues and politics.
Simplifying.
Reducing your carbon footprint.
Becoming more self-sufficient.
Environmentalism and money.
Reducing, reusing and recycling.
Green parenting.

As always, I love to hear your comments and feedback, and I really enjoy it when you share what you’re doing with me. If you’d like to tell me how you’re living a more sustainable life, drop me a line. Tell me your story, and share your hard-won lessons. I would love to hear about it all.

Searching for Clarity

This year I’m on a mission to achieve greater clarity. Separating Strocel.com from Crafting my Life and giving each site its own focus is helping me to do that. It’s good to have a vision of what I’m doing in this space, and what I’m doing is writing about my life and the things that matter to me. One of the things that really matters to me is doing what I can to have a positive impact on our planet. I hope you’ll come along with me for the journey, as I write about my experiences.

To focus, clarity and change!

Tagged With: Bloggy McBloggerson, Crafting my Life, Enviro-Mama, Navel Gazing

Even Life Crafters Have Bad Days

Amber on February 23, 2012 5 Comments

It’s Thursday, so I’m Crafting my Life and talking about dealing with bad days! If you’d like to make a change in your own life, visit me on my Crafting my Life site, follow Crafting my Life on Facebook or subscribe to my mail list. If you’d like to share a story from your own Crafting my Life journey, drop me a line and let me know.

Everyone has Bad Days

When I have a bad day – and I do have them – I feel like a fraud. After all, I run a business that’s dedicated to helping moms live happy, purposeful, meaningful, fulfilled lives. Shouldn’t I have a life like that, myself? And how is there any room in a life like that for the normal nitty-gritty of everyday life with two small kids and one husband and one cantankerous cat and multiple clients and a house that doesn’t clean itself?

Here’s the truth: everyone has bad days. Everyone. Hackers attack your website. Cars break down. Kids get sick at the most inopportune time. You have a stupid fight with your partner, who simply refuses to see the logic of your argument. The haphazard randomness of life encroaches, and it brings you down. It’s normal to feel less-than-thrilled when this happens. It doesn’t mean that you’re a bad life-crafter. It means that you’re a human being.

Hannah has a moment of frustration

Choosing Your Response

What makes the difference, in the end, isn’t whether or not you have a bad day every so often. You can’t control every little thing that happens to you, and you can’t always control your emotional reaction, either. No one expects you to. What makes the difference in the end is how you respond and move forward in the face of whatever it is that life hands to you. Do you surrender to the dragons and give up on your dreams? Do you drown yourself in a bottle of wine? Do you pray or meditate or take a walk by yourself? Do you draw mustaches on photos of people who wronged you? Do you call a trusted friend and cry on her shoulder? This is where you make a choice about the kind of person you want to be, and the kind of life you want to live.

Many of us choose not to share the details of our bad days with the world at large. It’s understandable. You don’t always want to broadcast the stuff that’s going wrong in your life. What you share, and who you share it with, is always your choice. At the same time, when we show only our best, most polished selves, we’re creating a false image for the rest of the world. When we pretend that everything’s okay and it’s really not, we perpetuate the illusion that bad days are an anomaly and not everyone has them. We’re also reinforcing the notion for ourselves that we’re frauds or failures if we’re not perfectly happy all the time.

Cutting Yourself Some Slack

I’m going to say this again: we all have bad days. I have bad days. The person you admire most in the world has bad days. Super-duper-rich-and-famous people have bad days. There’s simply no escaping it. Having a bad day doesn’t mean that you’re a fraud. It doesn’t mean that you’re a failure. It doesn’t mean that you’re doing a bad job of following your dreams and creating a life of purpose and meaning. It just means you’re a human being.

I’m choosing to cut myself some slack. I hope you’ll do the same thing for yourself. And then I hope we’ll both be as honest as we comfortably can about the realities of life, so that other people can cut themselves some slack, too. Maybe together we’ll create a world that’s a little bit more forgiving, where we can live honest and authentic lives as our honest and authentic selves. Warts, dirty children and all. That’s what crafting a life of meaning really means to me.

How do you respond when you’re having a bad day? And do you ever feel that you’re the only one who has them? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

Tagged With: Crafting my Life

Work-Life Balance as a Work-at-Home Mom

Amber on February 16, 2012 9 Comments

It’s Thursday, so I’m Crafting my Life! If you’d like to make a change in your life, visit me on my Crafting my Life site, or subscribe to my mail list. If you’d like to share a story from your own Crafting my Life journey, drop me a line and let me know.

My colleagues

Becoming a Work-at-Home Mom

I’m a work-at-home mom, but my life wasn’t always this way. When I worked in an office, I understood the dynamic: I was there to do stuff for my employer. Full stop. This didn’t mean that I could never send a personal email or socialize with my co-workers, but it meant that my primary purpose in the office was to work, and that work should take precedence over everything else. I shouldn’t spent my time playing around online, or writing the Great Canadian Novel, or napping.

Now that I work from home, the dynamic is clearly different. I don’t have an office with a door that shuts, so my work space blends into my living space in a big way. My purpose here in my home isn’t primarily to work. I’m just as responsible for taking care of my kids, preparing meals, cleaning, and managing the basic details of living. I find this interferes with my productivity in many ways. Just now, for instance, I was thinking about how I need to prepare for my daughter Hannah’s birthday party this weekend, and I just about got out of my chair to check our supply of googly eyes. As long as I’m at home, the distractions are constant, with many little details constantly vying for my attention.

Limited Time and Competing Priorities

When my time and resources are limited – and every parent’s time and resources are limited – I have an internal prioritization that I employ. It’s not even entirely conscious, but it’s there. One of the concepts that I tend to apply unthinkingly is that the things I do for other people need to happen first. This means when my clients or employers send me an email, I hop right to it. And when one of my kids need something, I don’t even think, I just drop whatever I’m doing and attend to that need. Because my work and home life are blended, I don’t have dedicated times when either request stream is turned off. Work stuff comes my way on evenings and weekends, and my kids are around on weekdays.

This thing I do – putting other people first – is a habit I picked up a long time ago. It’s based on a social nicety that says we shouldn’t be selfish. We should be nice and giving, and then people will like us. There will always be time to spend on ourselves later. Except that if there’s anything that’s become increasingly clear to me as I get older, it’s this: later never comes. There will always be outside interests vying for your time, attention and energy. That’s just life.

Putting Myself First

As I consider my situation, the solution is increasingly clear to me. I need to put myself – and the things that matter most to me – first. That could mean getting up early to do yoga, spending more time following my bliss, setting aside dedicated time when I turn off my social media streams and don’t check email so I can work on my own project, or even going outside with my kids. Whatever it looks like, if I’m going to move forward, I need to make sure that my actions align with my priorities and core values. There won’t always be as much to to spend on my pet projects as I like, but if I take care of them before I handle other things, I can be sure that they don’t get lost in the daily shuffle.

It isn’t easy to keep your work and home life in balance when you’re literally combining the two as a work-at-home mom. The challenges of this lifestyle are a recurring theme as I struggle to create a life of purpose and authenticity. Slowly, I’m getting better at it, though. I can see the improvement as I look back over the past few months and years. Like all things in life, it’s a process, and I need to be patient with myself as I work through it.

How do you keep your work and home lives separate – or do you? And do you find that you always end up last as demands keep cropping up? How do you handle it? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Tagged With: Crafting my Life, Navel Gazing, Time Management

Guest Post: Considering the Leap

Guest on February 9, 2012 6 Comments

It’s Thursday, so I’m Crafting my Life! Today I’m sharing a guest post from Audra Costello, about standing on the diving board and being afraid to leap. If you’d like to share a story from your own Crafting my Life journey, drop me a line and let me know!

The summer I was five, my parents said I had to take swimming lessons until I passed “Beginners”. It took me awhile, but I didn’t mind the lessons on the first, second or third time through. I enjoyed splashing around in the water and the teachers were nice. The part of every trip to the local pool I dreaded was the moment when the lesson was over. My class was taken to the diving board and, one at a time, we took turns jumping off. I watched as each child in front of me stepped onto the low board, walked or ran to the edge and pushed themselves into the water. Some bicycled their legs for the fraction of a second they were in the air while others made their bodies go completely stiff as they sliced through the water. The instructors were waiting nearby to help anyone who struggled in their swim to the safety of the ladder. It was foolproof and I knew this. In my head. Try as I might, I couldnâ€™t make my feet jump off the diving board. I was paralyzed by my own fear.

With my daughter

This is the first time I felt this way, but not the last. My life has been full of these moments where, despite my extreme desire, I just can’t move myself to action. I can see the disconnect between where I am and where I want to go, but I can’t push myself to get there. I’m on the board and I can see the ladder, but the uncertainty that lies between is just too scary.The worst part is knowing that I am the only one holding me back.

The experiment that evolved into my blog, Little Tiger and the Milk Belly Princess, afforded me more opportunities than I could have imagined back on that day in August of 2010 when I decided to see what would happen if I stopped buying toys for my children. I learned about sourcing craft materials at Zero Landfill and began a really rewarding teaching experience at a local arts center. Every week I work with a fantastic group of six-to-eight year old girls who are excited about what I have to teach them. Yet, those opportunities have raised difficult questions. The things I look forward to only make up a small fraction of my time and lately that has me questioning the choices I’ve made and continue to make.

I wish I was as intrepid as I look in this picture

Why is the part of the day Iâ€™m most excited about only an hour or two at the very end? Why is it that all I find fulfilling in my life–raising my children, crafting, blogging–pushed to the margins? I’ve been teaching high school English full-time for 14 years. I’ve never done anything this long before and lately I’ve been thinking that this part of my life has run its course. For a lot of reasons that I won’t get into here, I can’t muster the enthusiasm I once had.

I can see where I want to go, but I’m back on the diving board again and I can’t jump. What am I afraid of? Disappointment? Failure? That I can’t even comprehend the extent to which I might experience these? That my dad will yell at me?

Growing up I was repeatedly told to “keep [my] options open,” but it was simultaneously communicated to me that playing it safe was the way to go. At the end of my senior year at The College of Wooster, I was offered an opportunity to stay on campus for an extra year to run the college’s writing center. When I called home and told my parents about this, they pretty much said, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, that’s flattering and all, but it’s really not going to get you anywhere.” Despite what they said about options, they both believed in playing it safe. To this day they still believe if you don’t know precisely what you’re doing, jumping will make you very, very sorry.

My word for 2012 is authenticity and I want to embrace living an authentic life. I know that this is not achieved by playing it safe. I can see where I want to go, but I need to make the jump. And I’m terrified. What’s the next step?

Audra Costello began blogging at Little Tiger and the Milk Belly Princess in 2010 when she decided to see what would happen if she stopped buying her two young daughters toys for 16 months and made them instead. It turns out that only good things became of that little adventure as she and her children grew more creative together.

Tagged With: Crafting my Life, Guest Posts

Guest Post: Realizing my Life’s Purpose

Guest on February 2, 2012 4 Comments

It’s Thursday, so I’m Crafting my Life! Today I’m sharing a guest post from Amy Lee, about a conversation she had with a stranger. If you’d like to share a story from your own Crafting my Life journey, drop me a line and let me know!

Have you ever had a conversation with a complete stranger that helped you realize your life purpose? This happened to me.

Four months ago, I had the greatest conversation with a practicing counsellor from Los Angeles. For two hours, we talked about the emotional consequences of our jobs.

This lady counsels troubled children. All of them grew up in neglected and abusive environments. She finds it emotionally challenging to counsel them because most of their stories break her heart.

Since â€˜the systemâ€™ only allows her to help the children until they improve in school, usually a few months, she doesnâ€™t have enough time to help them work through the issues and move on with their lives. She knows most of them will eventually join gangs, use drugs to cope, or use their sexuality to find acceptance.

This counsellor reminded me that we humans are social beings. One of our basic needs is to want to be connected with other people. The connection with the ones who created us (mother and father) is the primary connection we seek. When this basic need isn’t satisfied, we will seek it else where, even if it’s self destructive to our being.

I thought about this afterwards. A lot.

During our conversation, I felt so lucky. Lucky that I was born into a family that cared about me. Lucky that I chose a profession that allows me to witness and feel love in its most elemental form. That conversation made me realize how important my job is. I provide mothers and each of their children the experience of feeling loved and being loved. I create a space for them to connect with their hearts and strengthen their relationship.

During a photography session, I feel the love the mother has for her child. I feel her joy, her pride, and their shared happiness. I see truth in them and they move me. Every mother and child I work with, whether the child is young or grown, inspires me to be a better mother, and a better daughter.

My conversation with the counsellor also made me realize how important my job is as a mother. I want the best for my children and I want them to live meaningful and purposeful lives. My duty is to love, nurture and guide them. My job is to help give them opportunities to find their strengths to realize their full potential. I want my children to live the life I envisioned for them because when they do, they will change the world.

This is my dream for my daughter. This is also my dream for all children and so this is my promise:

I will provide mothers with experiences, tools and resources to inspire us to love, nurture and guide our children to live meaningful and purposeful lives.

Photography is one of the tools to get to this bigger place.

With photography, I document the love between a mother and each of her children. I provide children doors back to the memories and the emotions of the relationship they have with their mother. These children will grow up knowing why they are loved, why their mother is proud of them and what dreams are bestowed upon them. I believe this is food for their souls.

I know what Iâ€™m doing is changing my world. It is also changing the world of the people I touch.

Amy Lee is the founder of The Connection We Share. She is in the process of building a blog to inspire mothers to raise children who will change the world. In the mean time, you can visit her Facebook page for her photography work. Amy has an 18 month daughter, Elle. She is proud of her daughter for being a fearless explorer. Her favourite memory with her daughter is hanging out in their backyard picking strawberries and smelling flowers.

Tagged With: Crafting my Life, Guest Posts

Letting Go of What Isn’t Working

Amber on January 26, 2012 6 Comments

It’s Thursday, so I’m Crafting my Life! If you’d like to craft your life, too, and find a greater sense of purpose, sign up for the Crafting my Life Online Class, which starts SOON. Or, enter my giveaway and win a free registration. Get ready to do something for yourself, because you deserve it!

Last week, I told you that I’d discovered my mission in life – or at least my mission in life right now. And here it is:

My mission in life is to help other mothers live happier, more fulfilled lives.

This really resonates with me because it takes a lot of things that I am doing already, like my volunteer work, my job with VancouverMom.ca, my writing here at Strocel.com, my book dream and the online tools I create for Crafting my Life, and unifies them with a single statement. In many different ways, big and small, paid and unpaid, I am helping other moms live happier, more fulfilled lives. What could be better? Nothing, that’s what.

I don’t think that everyone needs a mission they can easily define in a single sentence. You can do amazing, meaningful and important things without one. But speaking purely for myself, I’ve found having that sentence helpful. It’s brought me greater clarity, and helped me set better priorities and goals. Since I’m a planner at heart, I really groove on this renewed sense of purpose, and I’m making all kinds of plans. But if I’m going to turn those plans into action, I need to free up some space, which means I need to let go of the stuff that isn’t working for me.

There are two things about letting go that I do not enjoy:

Letting go is emotionally difficult.
Letting go takes time and effort.

Image credit – Andrew Mitchell on Flickr

There are things in my life that aren’t really working for me, and that don’t help me further my mission, and I can identify them. But I’m invested in them all the same. In some cases, I’ve agreed to do something for someone else, and I don’t want to leave them in the lurch. In other cases, in order to let go of a task I need to put in some work to shut it down or prepare it for hand-off, and it’s hard to find time to do that. On top of that, there are my dragons who start telling me stories about how if I let go of something it will mean I’m a big quitter.

Invigorated by my mission, I’m ignoring my dragons, putting in the work to get things organized and learning how to gracefully step out of commitments that are getting in the way of the work I should be doing. The work I need to be doing. It’s isn’t easy, though, and as I face down a task I need to finish before I can let go, I have to force myself to swallow that frog. Who wants to spend a whole bunch of time working on something that doesn’t further your purpose, when you could be doing something that you enjoy? No one. But sometimes you need to put in a little bit of effort now to save work in the long run, so I’m doing it and having faith that it will pay off.

There is an upside to the hard-ness of letting go, and it’s the feeling of relief. When I hand off something that’s been weighing me down, I feel a bit of a rush. Doing something that isn’t working for you takes up a lot of energy. Letting go of it frees up all that energy for something more fulfilling and purposeful. With every little thing I let go, my hope is renewed. I can see that there is a light on the horizon, and that while it isn’t easy, it is worthwhile.

I have spent a lot of my life proving my worth (mostly to myself) by being useful. The problem is that I didn’t consider what was useful for myself, I mostly considered what was useful for others. Now I see that if I really want to be helpful, I should take on tasks that help me further my own mission. This way everyone wins, because I’m giving my best self and doing my best work, and I feel a sense of purpose. So I persist in this beginning phase, shedding my old skin, and enduring the discomfort it brings. It lets me know that there is a brighter day ahead.

Do you find it easy to let go of things that aren’t working for you, or do you struggle with the hard-ness of it? I’d love to hear your thoughts on how you clear out space to pursue a greater sense of purpose and authenticity.

Tagged With: Crafting my Life

My Mission in Life

Amber on January 19, 2012 9 Comments

It’s Thursday, so I’m Crafting my Life! If you’d like to craft your life, too, and find a greater sense of purpose, subscribe to my mail list. You’ll be eligible for advance discount registration for the Crafting my Life Online Class, which is happening NOW. Spend 12 weeks doing something for yourself!

Does Everyone Have a Calling?

Last June I gave a talk, examining whether or not everyone has a calling – or mission – in life. At the time, I said this:

I’m feeling some pressure now to figure out what my calling is. But the truth is that if I have a calling, I’m not sure I’ve found it yet.

I also said this:

Whether you feel that you have a specific task to fulfill in this life or not, and no matter your personal beliefs, by pursuing justice, love and compassion, both for yourself and the world at large, you can find purpose and meaning. And out of that sense of purpose you may just find your passion – and dare I say it? – your calling. Maybe not all at once in a blinding flash of insight, but gradually, and without even noticing.

And this:

As I go look back on what I’ve done and where I’ve been, a pattern of strengths and weaknesses, passions and life lessons, relationships and opportunities, starts to emerge. It doesn’t necessarily provide that blinding flash of insight, but it can show me purpose and meaning that I didn’t know was there as I lived it.

Uncovering my Mission

This weekend, I had a moment of realization about what my mission in life really is. I do lots of things that I enjoy, but I’ve always separated them in my mind. Crafting my Life, with its online class an playbook, is in one slot. VancouverMom.ca, where I’m connecting local moms to their city and the great things it contains, is in another slot. Strocel.com, where I share my musings and build community, is in another still. There are slots for my volunteer work, my book dream, and the time I spend doing nothing in particular.

When I take all of those separate things out of their slots and line them up, though, a pattern starts to emerge. And what I see is that I have a strong desire to help other moms live happier, more fulfilled lives. That’s what I’m pretty much always doing. More than that, it’s what resonates with me most deeply. It’s my soul work. Whether I make money at it or not, whether anyone else knows what I’m doing or not, I feel like if I can make just one mom’s life a little bit easier because I was there at the right moment, I’ve fulfilled my mission.

I spent years searching for my mission in life, and not finding it. I suspect that I was looking in the wrong place all along. I was waiting for a big, blinding flash of insight, that would cause the hair on the back of my neck to stand up. I thought it would be something entirely new, that I just somehow hadn’t considered before, but that suddenly seemed so perfectly right. But maybe that’s not how it works at all.

Start with What You Know … and be Ready to Adapt

Maybe, when you’re searching for your mission in life, you need to start with what you know. Consider all the things you do, and why you do them. Think about the dreams you have – the ones that make you tingle a little – and then ask yourself why you feel that way about them. What is the underlying motivation that you already have? What can that tell you about what you’re meant to do? I think there are more answers there than in sitting around, waiting for inspiration to hit like a bolt from the blue.

For 2012 I chose the word clarity. My recent epiphany about my mission has gotten me off to a great start. I feel like I have a better understanding of what I need to do, and how I need to do it. When projects come my way, I can consider how they fit into my mission, and make better decisions. Of course, not everything that I do will involve making mom’s lives happier and more fulfilled. Sometimes you just have to scrub a toilet. But I feel like knowing what my mission is helps me live with greater clarity.

I’m not sure if my mission will always be the same. Maybe not. Maybe that’s another misconception about missions. We don’t all have just one that lasts forever. The challenge, therefore, isn’t to figure out that single thing you were meant to do in life. It’s to uncover what’s driving you, and what resonates with you, right now. Then set about doing it. When you’re finished, then you can move on to the next thing, and the one after that, knowing you fulfilled your mission.

I wonder what you think. Do you think that everyone has a mission in life, whether they know it or not? Do you feel like you know what your mission is? And do you think that someone’s mission can change as they change? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Tagged With: Crafting my Life, Navel Gazing

Tips for Letting go of Parental Guilt

Amber on January 12, 2012 4 Comments

Guilt: it’s a reality of life for parents. Balancing the task of raising children with caring for your house and nurturing your other relationships and earning money to pay for all those dance classes ranges from “outrageously difficult” to “downright impossible”. Something’s got to give. There’s just no way to do it all perfectly, all the time, and so we don’t. We don’t fall short out of choice, though, so we feel guilty.

I feel guilty about something each and every day. There’s always something I should be doing, or really want to do, but can’t find the time to accomplish. On top of that, as my kids get older they get better at issuing direct complaints on the substandard nature of my parenting. If I forget someone’s hat when I drop them off at school, or prepare something they don’t enjoy for dinner, you can bet I’m hearing all about it. Their little eyes get wide and they look at me and say, “Why mama, why? Why did you do this thing?” Hannah has even gone so far as to draw pictures illustrating my various shortcomings.

The idea that we’re not spending enough time with our kids a hot-button issue in our culture. Mothers, especially, are not supposed to spend any time on ourselves when we could be spending time with our kids. If we work inside the home, we’re ignoring our kids to sit at the computer. If we work outside the home, we get a whole heaping plate full of guilt about that. If we don’t do any kind of paid work, that comes with its own societal judgments, too. There’s no winning at this game.

In spite of the fact that we’re getting constant messages about how we’re failing as parents, we’re actually far more engaged with our kids than any time in recent history. One American study showed, for instance, that mothers with a college education spent an average of 12 hours a week caring for their children in 1995, and an average of 21.2 hours a week in 2007. That’s more than one extra hour every day. The problem is that our expectations have also changed, so no matter how much time we spend with our kids we still feel as if we’re falling short.

In spite of its prevalence, parental guilt doesn’t help anyone. It just leads to anxiety and stress, and anyone can tell you that an anxious parent isn’t much fun to be around. Letting go of the guilt isn’t that easy, though. The desire to raise our children well is programmed into us, and so we’re constantly monitoring our own performance. Even given our predisposition to guilt, I think there are some ways that we can reduce the stress and anxiety.

Amber’s Guilt Reduction Tips

Do something fun with your kids. It doesn’t have to take much time. Even 15 minutes can help you feel re-connected, and restore your sense of calm.
If your kids are old enough, tell them what makes them so fabulous and then ask them what they love about you. Kids can be very effusive, and their expressions of undying love will remind you that you can’t be doing all that bad.
Think back to a typical day when you were a kid. A time when you weren’t going to school, like over summer vacation, is especially good. Remember how many times your parents sent you off to do something that didn’t involve them – then remember how that didn’t scar you for life.
Keep track of all the things you do for other people during one day. Marvel at how very giving you really are.
Read about the benefits of leaving your kids to their own devices.
When your kids start complaining about something that pushes your guilt buttons, remember the times when you were doing something super-fun with your kids and they complained. Like, say, when you went to the waterslides and they decided the water was too splashy. Accept that sometimes kids just complain. It doesn’t mean we’re bad parents.

When you can let go of some of your guilt, it frees up a whole lot of mental space. It may even free up some space in your schedule, because you’re spending less time scrambling to do it all. That space will help you to restore your sense of equilibrium, and give you the room you need to live a life that actually works for you – instead of a life that just makes you feel guilty.

What do you think? Is parental guilt inevitable? How do you reduce your own guilt level? I’d love to hear your thoughts!