It’s Thursday, so I’m Crafting my Life! I invite you to join in the fun. If you would like to share a story from your own journey, please drop me a line. If you’d like to find out more about my online class on living with intention and my upcoming e-book, visit craftingmylife.com.
The Nitty-Gritty
Some time ago, I was followed by someone on Twitter. I’m not writing this post to single her out, or to chastise her, and I won’t share her name. I am certain that she is doing her best to connect, engage, and speak her truth in a way that resonates with her, and I love that Twitter provides an avenue for so many of us to do just that. And yet, this new follower stood out for me on that particular day, as I checked out her profile. Her bio had something of a familiar theme, as I have seen several like it. She promised blunt honesty, sharing all the low-down, nitty-gritty dirt on motherhood.
Heaven knows there’s a lot of nitty-gritty in parenting. Nitty-gritty covers every surface in my home, and no matter how much time I spend in the shower I can never quite wash it all off. I understand that. And yet, my first reaction on reading this bio on this particular occasion was, “Does the world really need more blunt honesty? Or, really, bluntness of any kind?”
My Happiness Role Models
Back in the spring I interviewed the fabulous Meagan Francis, author of a book called The Happiest Mom. During our interview, she talked about the time that she spent writing about the dark side of motherhood. At some point, she decided that things had to change, and she chose to pursue happiness. She dared to believe that you could put the word happy and mother in the same sentence, and that choice resonates with me.
The decision that Britt Reints made to pursue happiness also resonates with me. Her recent post about openly acknowledging and choosing happiness was simply outstanding. She wrote about the struggles that everyone faces, and the grief that life can bring, and choosing to smile in spite of it all. In the process, she found happiness. I would like to do the same thing.
Acknowledging the Reality of Life and Parenting
When I say that I want to pursue happiness, I don’t mean that I don’t want to talk about the hard stuff and the bad stuff. There is injustice and inequality and tragedy in the world that we need to face head on. There are moments when I have frankly had enough, and my parenting falls apart because I just can’t take any more of whatever it is that my kids are throwing at me. There are times when I’m up until midnight trying to get something done and technology fails me and I engage in a little bit of self-indulgent whining. I am human, and I am not immune to the ups and downs of life.
In spite of the inevitable nitty-gritty that fills my life, or maybe because of it, I choose to believe that I can make my situation better. I choose to believe that good is possible, and growth is possible, and attaining greater personal happiness is possible. I don’t think that the way to find that greater personal happiness is by sharing all of the life’s little difficulties with blunt honesty.
Attention and Honesty
When you focus your attention on something, it has a way of growing in your mind. If I spend all my time recounting the ways my husband has wronged me, I’m furious in no time flat. If I spend all of my time recounting the nice things that my husband has done for me, I feel all love-struck and gooey. It’s not really rocket science, and it’s not really woowoo, hand-waving type stuff, either. It’s simply about understanding that if you’re looking for bad-ness, you’re more likely to find bad-ness, and when you’re looking for good-ness, you’re more likely to find good-ness.
As I look for ways to create a happier life, I don’t shun honesty. I think being honest with yourself and others, and being able to speak your truth, are both important tools in a quest to live a life of purpose and intention. You’re not going to be able to find happiness if you can’t be honest about who you are and what matters to you. But there is a difference between being honest and truthful, and being blunt and negative. One is about seeing the world as it is and striving to make it better, and the other … well, the other just isn’t.
Bad Enough
You may be wondering how my choice to pursue happiness squares with my quest to be bad enough. I think that the two goals align perfectly. My desire to be bad enough is about taking care of myself, throwing off social conventions that don’t work for me, and creating space in my life. Ideally, I will enhance my happiness in the process, and use the space I’ve created to make the world a better place in some way, even if only for myself and my immediate family. Being bad enough does not have to be about embracing a life of negativity.
I understand the drive for human connection, and I understand that in parenting, we often find that connection around the nitty-gritty. Who else but another mom can understand the literal crap that we deal with day in and day out? We don’t need to brush that under the rug. We also don’t need to focus all of our attention on the slings and arrows, or share only that part of parenting without also acknowledging the good that comes along with it, too. We can see it all, and look for ways to make our lives better in the process. I think it’s a goal worth pursuing.
What do you think? Do you think that blunt honesty is helpful or harmful to the pursuit of happiness? And how do you focus your attention on the good, in the midst of the not-always-so-good? I’d love to hear your thoughts!
I don’t choose blunt honesty. I pick and choose.That’s the thing with blogs though. No matter how honest you want to be, they only tell a small part of the story. There is nothing wrong with writing to remember the happy.
C @ Kid Things’s last post … Life is Unfair
So true about only telling a small part of the story.
Naomi Jesson’s last post … Playing Fair
I’ve learned that blunt honesty in this part of Canada equates to saying it like it is in the UK – it’s got me into loads of trouble since round here, in Lower Mainland at least, people seem to expect the wishy washy rather than to be made to think deeply about customer service, issues, getting things done, and so on.
Having said that though, there is a difference between negativity and blunt honesty, and there’s also tactfulness (which I do need to practise more often).
I heard a very interesting radio interview a while back, talking about retraining our brains. There is a neurophysiological basis to the power of positive thinking and enhancing mood long term. Positive thinking, seeing happiness and not dwelling on negativity enhance levels if a brain-derived neural growth factor which encourages new synapses to form. Hence when you are thinking along your pleasure “what is happiness?” pathways, you literally make more connections and hard wire your brain for improved mood. With that in mind (ho ho), it makes sense to seek positivity.
However, I’m also a firm believer that before arriving at this point, the hard work of identifying what irks you is vital. It’s akin to a period of grief, a mind bereavement, in which we get used to our lot in life and then start the process to renew. Although the period I’m in right now is the seeking positivity phase and I do want to avoid the moaning minnies, I will cut them some slack, watch for them coming out of their own negative phases and hopefully be there on the otehr side.
pomomama’s last post … wordless wednesday: lunch out with mr ebb
I agree with your last point categorically – we are all at different places and working at our own pace. I don’t want to criticize anyone else’s coping mechanisms or approach to life. If it works for you, rock on. I just don’t want to choose it for myself.
It’s good to be realistic, but for myself, it helps to look on the positive side. I feel more energy when I’m projecting energy. I imagine it works differently for some though.
Lady M’s last post … Please Indulge Me
Thanks for this! I needed the reality check!
I think honesty is good, as long as it is delivered in a kind and sensitive way. I am not very good at this. But there are many times when I hold back the ‘truth’ and festers within me, creating a more unhappy state, and often, misunderstandings.
My personal goal is to be truthful in the kindest way possible. it is easy to feel slighted, taken for granted, over looked. It is harder to see that that the other person has their own issues that caused them to behave towards you as they have. If you say something truthful in an insensitive way, then there are just more hurt feelings. If you say something understanding and kind, and then speak your truth in a sensitive way it opens the door for better communication, and hence, happiness.
BuffyRamm’s last post … School issues
I’ve thought a lot about the difference between using honesty as a tool or a weapon. I believe that one can be clear and honest without inflicting misery on the other. (Unless, of course, that’s your punitive intention and you’re willing to take the consequences for your actions or words. And let’s not forget the “juice” of starting a fight or of being right.)
There is an art to speaking clearly and yet not being hurtful or unduly critical. Those who can’t or won’t learn how to do this usually excuse themselves by saying, “Well, I’m just being honest”, or by using perjoritives like “wishy-washy” or “namby-pamby”. Tact becomes a word of derision rather than the advanced interpersonal skill that it is, especially when used to express something honestly.
I expect this is a cultural thing, in that we all learn how to deal with conflict, express opinions and communicate from our family cultures, not to mention from the values and norms of the places or countries we were raised. Whether one values blunt, direct, oblique or indirect communication makes the whole exchange fraught. All communications, when examined neutrally, are fascinating bits of information, usually saying more about the person speaking than the receiver.
Focusing mainly on the negative or only on the positive certainly leaves out the complexity and richness of life. And, yes, I eventually remove myself from the people who relish the victim role as their main focus . Frankly, it wears me out. I prefer to spend my time, whether in person or online, with someone who I can cry AND laugh with. And I bear in mind that we all go in cycles. Sometimes life throws some things at us that require extended grieving and sadness. I hope I’m enough of a friend to be available during those hard times.
As someone who expects the best but believes in being prepared for all eventualities, I find I am, in general, pretty happy. Yes, I would say I look for the good. Do I do that consciously? Probably not. I think I am either wired that way or have learned through experience to appreciate the half full glass. Optimism is a powerful force. And, I find, there is a lot of good in most people.This expectation is one of the bedrocks of my belief system. And, in collecting evidence for this belief, I reinforce it. (This is where I have to resist the urge to aplogize for simplistic thinking or crack a qualifier about how corny or cheesy this is. It’s not. These “earnest” sentiments are just not in sync with the cynicism of popular culture.
So, yes, Amber, I believe that choosing happiness is a viable choice and that growth is always possible.
Wonderful! My own blogging block and deep sadness around certain aspects of adoption have really taken me into some dark places. Suffice it I could write a novel in response but I’ll wait until our date.
I don’t naturally look on the bright side of things. Life experince and all that. But I am trying.
Capital Mom’s last post … The sky overhead
There’s honesty, and there’s focusing on the negative. Honesty about mothering, for me, would include a full spectrum, from despair and rage to joy. Telling about the despair and rage and other negatives is important, I think, insofar as it undermines the popular fantasy of mothers as self-sacrificing saints. I don’t know that many people consciously hold that image, but it certainly hasn’t faded from the culture.
That said, my original Zen teacher used to point out: What if you complained all day? What would that day be like? And what if you focused on your gratitude all day? What would that day be like?
Rachael’s last post … On My Mind: 10.03.11
I think the (blogging) world does need more blunt honesty about the whole picture. There’s nothing wrong acknowledging that there’s good and bad, yin and yang, and all the natural opposite dualities that make our world (day/night) and life (happiness/sadness, life/death).
About the bio, personally, I’d be more suspicious of someone writing just the opposite in their profile – but I also see how this it’s a cultural preference.