My 5-year-old Hannah has mastered the art of tree-climbing. She is tall enough now to reach the low branches. She has also become agile and confident enough to navigate up very high. Very high. She loves it. Up, up, up she goes. 8 feet up, 10 feet up, 14 feet up. When she reaches her personal peak, she calls to me. “Mama, Mama! Look at me! Can you see how high I am? I am so high!”
From down on earth I briefly squint up at her and let out a half-hearted, “Wow, look at you!” Because I am all torn in up knots, and filled with internal conflict. I try not to show it, but I do not enjoy the tree-climbing at all.
On the one hand, I appreciate that both of my children like to stretch themselves as they acquire new skills. I love that they are active and engaged. I particularly enjoy it when they are active and engaged outside, instead of in my living room. I believe that it’s normal and healthy for children to take risks and explore their personal limits. I know that I can’t protect them from everything, and that you have to fall down a lot of times before you learn to walk.
Hannah at 3 years old, already infatuated with tree-climbing
On the other hand, I don’t want my children to hurt themselves. As my daughter scales her tree, a vision of her falling down from that tree flashes in front of my eyes. There is danger here. Lots and lots of danger. And I kind of want to make her come right back down and never go back up again. Ever.
Just over a week ago I was at a playground with my friend and our respective children. My 2-year-old Jacob was climbing up high on a big kid play structure, and I wasn’t right there. I was trying to give him space to explore. And in his exploring he fell off that play structure, more than 6 feet to the ground below. Not exactly head-first, but top-end down in general. I saw him, but I was too far away to catch him. So I raced to him, filled with sheer panic.
He bumped his cheek badly, but not in an area where there were any bones. He bit his tongue and was bleeding a bit. I nursed him briefly – for less than a minute. The blood disappeared from his mouth, and he decided he was more interested in the diggers than anything else at that point. He was fine. I was traumatized. Even now, I can see what he looked like as he fell. And I know that we got off easy. It could have been so much worse – he could have had a concussion or broken a bone, but for half an inch in a different direction.
Jacob and his injured face, the next day
After Jacob’s fall my protective instincts ramped up again. I told Hannah that she couldn’t climb trees. I wasn’t up for another tumble. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that – I needed a few days to recover emotionally. But now, my reasonable recovery period has passed. And once again Hannah is reaching into the stratosphere.
At the heart of it, I believe that allowing my children the freedom to explore is one of the most important things I can do as a parent. I know that I can’t protect them from every possible injury, and any effort to try will be to their detriment, as I wrap them in cotton and sit them in front of a screen to keep them occupied. But even though I don’t want to prevent them from taking risks I don’t enjoy seeing them do it, not even a little bit. So I stand on the ground, emit the occasional, “Be careful!” and argue with myself. And breathe a huge sigh of relief when everyone’s back down on earth again.
How do you handle risk-taking with your children? Where do you draw the line between safety and exploration? And how do you get over the guilt when your children are injured as a result of their exploration? I need some help over here!
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Twitter: osnsmom
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I completely understand your hesitation with climbing trees. I would feel ambivalent too. I agree with your tactic. You’re being encouraging, but cautious at the same time.
Ari is a lot younger than Hannah, but I guess I do a similar thing. I’ll let him do incredibly seemingly dangerous things, but watch him like a hawk. At the playground he is untouchable. He wants to do what HE wants to do. So I just shadow him and make sure he doesn’t fall.
But, to some extent, I feel like injuries are unpreventable. Meaning, kids do fall. What can you do? Except try to prevent them from getting hurt, but be there for them if they do get hurt.
I’m scared silly of heights. I don’t want my daughter to be. She isn’t. So, I do the same thing as you and stifle the “Get down now.”
Tepary’s last post … Chh- chh- chh- chook
Both of my boys climb trees (and the way their sister scales the couch, she probably will too) and I’ve seen some falls. Kids are amazing that they almost always seem to find that exact half inch to land where there won’t be serious harm. I bite my lip, smile, and try to remember my days at the top of the big summer tree.
Summer’s last post … This is Not Journalism
Twitter: Miss_Scarlett99
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I’m pretty sure all parents have wrestled with this issue. Like you said, you want your kids to be independant, adventurous, willing to push themselves…but you also want to make sure they are safe from harm.
For now, my thoughts are to be there, but not obviously. I’ll let them run amuck outside and climb things. I’m sure a day will come where one of them falls. I distinclty recall climbing up a huge rock (it was not quite as big as the White Rock, you know the famous rock I speak of right? but big). I was sitting up top and shifted position and fell…flat on my stomach. Knocked the wind out of me for a few seconds.
No one was around so I was a bit scared but I managed to make my way back to my dad (he was coaching my brother’s baseball team I think) relatively unharmed. After that I was more cautious climbing that rock but I still did it.
I wonder if my parents had seen me fall if there would have been a different outcome from that incident…
okay, I’m rambling now. Basically I want to keep my kids safe enough to avoid major injury but not so much that they become timid of fearful about trying things.
Sigh. Joe is 16 months old, but he can climb ladders. He can push chairs up to things and climb on them (for example, the kitchen counter, or the stove). According to my mom, some kids are runners, some are readers and talkers, and some are “climbers.” Lord help me, I am mother to a child in this latter category.
I think at some point you become so exhausted by the constant effort of keeping your child safe that you decide, “Okay, kiddo, have at it! Knock yourself out!” (hopefully not literally!). Because seriously, being a helicopter mama to this child would be totally exhausting. Letting him explore, and take a few tumbles, is easier.
So now when I see Joe doing something nutty, I apply Inder’s Algorithm of Child Safety, which goes like this: “Can he seriously injure or kill himself doing that? No? Ah well, let him play.”
Inder’s last post … Learning curves and zippers
Twitter: bitterindigo
says:
Sometimes I wish I was more unlike you so my comments would be more interesting and provide more variety
. Jacob’s been climbing stuff practically since infancy, so you are very clearly not to blame for him falling and getting hurt (just in case that was floating around your mind a lot). Neither of my kids were climbers, or even walkers really for a freakishly long time, so I got off easy in a lot of ways. But I have let them do things that were a little hazardous, quelling my impulse to say ‘that’s an accident waiting to happen’ even when it is, because you’re right — you have to let them stretch, and grow, and get hurt. I tried my best to let them conquer their fears of water slides, and you read how that turned out, right? On the other hand, Angus plays hockey, and I have let it be known that his first hockey concussion will be obtained in his last hockey game, so he should enjoy every game as if it is in fact his last. Some things you just don’t mess around with.
allison’s last post … The Obligatory Back-to-School Post
i totally understand. let them go, but don’t watch! lol
i allow her to take risks but ten to hover nearby, but without looking or acting concerned. just close enough in case of abig fall. i would feel too guilty if i was not closer. and she falls a lot, and i let her pick herself up or go to her if she asks, or catch her if it’s a dangerous risk.
it’s a tug-owar in our hearts and minds for sure.
Monica’s last post … small flowers blossoming in the heart center
Twitter: pomomama
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a friend of mine was killed climbing a tree. he fell on to hard asphalt.
he was 10 y old, and i remember comforting his sister in our local village playpark as her family came apart.
kids will be kids, and climbing is a great development for gross motor skills, judgement and so on, so i try to temper my fears with some common sense. now he can understand more i try to explain to my wee guy what makes a safe and suitable area for exploration, hoping that some will stick with him into young adulthood.
but i can’t wrap him in cottonwool for ever.
pomomama’s last post … Friday forte- dinner date
Twitter: Wendy_Irene
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Watching you children get hurt is the worst!! Honestly, I am bad with being consistent because what I am comfortable with changes from day to day, situation to situation. I think I need help too?!
Amber,
You beat me to the punch on this one. This is our ControverSunday topic for this week! (http://amoment2think.wordpress.com/2010/09/09/controversunday-topic-protection-versus-acceptable-risk/) You should join!
Suffice to say at this point that this is something I SO struggle with. I really believe that we need to take a step back and let our kids explore and in doing so let them make mistakes. But it is also hard because I think most parents have a built in ‘this might be unsafe’ o-meter and when it goes off it is hard not to swoop in. Sometimes we should swoop in and sometimes it is a false alarm. Ah, the internal conflicts that come with parenting!
kathleen’s last post … ControverSunday Topic- Protection versus Acceptable Risk
Elizabeth was so tall, at such a young age that I have had to deal with these conflicts for a long time. MY adventure seeker has been climbing too high and going down the big slides for years (I mean it, years, and years, and years!) She was doing the mini roller coasters and even bumper cars for at least the last two years. She’s never been nervous of slide, and rock walls are so 2 years ago. Things that would normally cause a little one pause, she runs straight for. My little dare devil! She has no fear! As long as she’s being safe, I’ll allow it. She’s not your average kid, and I’ve just learned to accept that.
Laura’s last post … Living Art- Bulb Planning and Treefest!
I’m extremely lax about safety. I have this odd belief that Theo is immune to all danger. I have no idea why I think this. Most parents feel the opposite.
However, this morning, we went to Granville Island to chase the pigeons and one girl was actually picking up the pigeons by the wings and many kids were feeding them resuting in them being totally surrounded by the birds, something that freaks me out as an adult.
Mark then pulled me a aside and told me a terrible story about flesh eating disease and all the bacteria that birds can carry. And if you get scratched by a bird, etc….(unsubstantiated by the way)
I suddenly felt sick to my stomach about these semi-wild disease-carrying birds playing with really small children. I also thought about how cavalier I am about allowing him putting pretty much anything in his mouth in the name of “boosting his immunity”. I mean I do try to wash his hands once a day…
Love that shot of Hannah in a formal dress in a tree
harriet Fancott’s last post … Searching for Jane- Finding Myself
Twitter: AlmostTruth
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I never thought I would have a problem with my children pushing the limits as I was always a risk-taker myself. Children change you. I know have heart palpitations as I see my monkey boy climbing about in a tree or shimming down the pole of the slide. I rush to where my daughter has climbed to the top of the tallest old metal slide on the opposite end of the park where I had been watching them all play just a second ago. I worry over the fall of my four old that knocked his two front teeth loose and had blood pouring out of his mouth.
And then I get over it as best I can, because as you say, they need the freedom to explore and the freedom to learn about risks.
Brenna’s last post … What have we learned since Spetember 11- 2001
Twitter: TheParentVortex
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Kids can get hurt doing dangerous things, but they can also get hurt doing seemingly safe things too. When I was 6 I broke my arm by jumping over a croquet hoop while wearing sandals (yes, really). The hoop got caught between my sandal and my foot, and I landed on the grass with my arm in front of me.
Unless we keep them in a padded room all day, kids are at risk of getting hurt. The best we can do is set out some rules, keep a watchful eye and trust that they will learn about risk without seriously injuring themselves.
Michelle @ The Parent Vortex’s last post … Resource Review Thursday- How to Talk So Kids Will Listen
Twitter: fuoriborgo
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I don’t have the answer really. Roots and wings are somewhat conflicting forces, but I believe there can be a balance.
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Just LOVE the outfit she climbs in! You go, girl!!!
I am a huge worrier by nature of my geneology. All the women in my family are worriers and I have inherited the trait, either via physiology or environment – it’s there. But as a mom I try to fight it. There are a lot of things I was allowed to do as a kid that most people wouldn’t let their kids do now. Walk to school with friends and no parents (grade 2), ride my bike to the next town alone (I was 12), climb trees, play in a creek by our house (unsupervised around age 6-7), etc. And so I want to make sure my daughters have these experiences too, all the while fighting with the social norms around me. My husband, much more extreme in his leniency, recalls all the cliffs he scaled and bridge ladders he climbed when he was a kid and thinks our kids should be able to do that! Not at 3 and 5 of course but when they are a bit older. I encourage my girls to climb trees but I am always right there. For me it is about encouraging them to challenge themselves and what they think they can or cannot do. But I do like to make myself their safety net.
Which year was it that your husband spent pretty much the entire year in a cast – the same arm being broken one time after another? I know we were older…and I know he was in sports. I have the same fear you do Amber, and I spend much of my time with my eyes squeezed tightly shut.
haha I remember climbing trees with you!!
Twitter: ladymrules
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I fell out of the top of a tree when I was a kid – knocked the wind out of me, but I survived it. Now I wonder if I’m gonna be able to relax and let my kids do what my parents (who are pretty cautious) let me do. I hope so.
Lady M’s last post … Accidentally On Purpose
I’m glad Jacob is okay. I always feel like I am silly and being overprotective. But then something happens when I’m not looking and I feel stupid.
I hate the tree climbing. My girl has discovered it too and it makes me so nervous. She knows now that she has to come ask me first so I can watch her.
Capital Mom’s last post … Saying what he wants to say