About a month ago I was driving in my car, just me and my two children. I drive this way a lot, so it wasn’t really remarkable. I remember the road we were on, and what the weather was like, but I don’t remember where we were going, exactly. In any case, it doesn’t really matter, and it certainly wasn’t what makes the trip memorable a month later.
What is memorable is the turn the conversation with my daughter Hannah took. She told me that her friend’s parents couldn’t have babies anymore. This is true, as the friend’s father recently had a vasectomy. I’m not sure if Hannah actually knew that her friend’s father had a procedure, or whether she overheard someone talking, or whether Hannah was just being a 5-year-old and making stuff up. But then she said to me, “Just like you and Daddy! You can’t have babies anymore, either.”
Technically speaking, this is not true. I currently have an IUD, but it’s only a temporary measure. And, what’s more, a part of me very much would love to have another baby. That part of me couldn’t let Hannah put the nail in the coffin of my baby dreams. Perhaps it should have just let sleeping dogs lie, but instead it opened its big mouth and said, “Actually, Daddy and I could have another baby if we wanted to.”
In theory, I could produce one of these again
Then, the questions started coming fast and furious. Why can Mama and Daddy have another baby, but the friend’s parents can’t? How does the doctor stop the seed from coming out? Where does the seed come out of, anyway? Where does the egg come from? How does the seed get to the egg? How? How? How?
See? Sleeping dogs. I could have avoided all of this if my babylust weren’t so vocal. But the reality is that I couldn’t have avoided it forever. Hannah is almost 6 years old, and this is important information that I need to provide her at some point. It might as well be in the car on a random weekday as anyplace, right?
How did this embryo get in there, anyway?
Aside: I just remembered where we were driving. We were visiting my friend, on an errand to drop off some homemade sorbet, since she can’t currently eat dairy as it disagrees with her nursing baby. Friend, you know who you are, and I am going to send Hannah’s next questions your way. I think it’s the least you can do, as I found myself in this situation as I was en route to bring you frozen desserts.
Returning to our story, I did my best to provide the basic information in clear language, without adding too much detail or providing too many embellishments. And then Hannah laughed. “Ha!” she said, “You must be joking!” I assured her I was not. And then I held my breath, because this wasn’t what I was really afraid of. I was afraid of the question that might follow, “Daddy did that to you?” Somehow, discussing theoretical reproduction is much less loaded than discussing my personal experiences with reproduction.
I didn’t really want to talk about how I, personally, ended up in this state
Luckily, the follow-up question never came. But as I waited and my brain raced at 3000 miles an hour and I mentally reviewed what I said to make sure it was all OK, I was a little slow off the mark at a green light. Like, two seconds too slow. The guy in the car behind me honked angrily, and I wanted to open my window and ask that guy if he wanted to come out and explain the birds and the bees to my kid so that I could focus on the road. But I didn’t. I just drove on and exhaled when Hannah changed the subject.
This is one of the joys of parenting – you never know what’s going to come up in the car while you try to drop off sorbet.
So, tell me. Do you think that 2-year-old Jacob is covered, too, since he was in the car while I had this conversation? Because if I could kill two birds with one stone that would be awesome.
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My 5 year old is the rapid-fire question expert in our house. Sometimes his questions come so quickly I don’t have time to answer the one he just asked before the next one comes out.
I know you’re joking about Jacob being covered, but my answer is no. My answer is also that Hannah is not covered. I think that these conversations are ones that should be had again and again over time. I think that as they grow, you add information and details as appropriate. When I had Baby3 this fall, my 5 year old had many questions about the whole thing. Surprisingly, he never asked how the baby got in my body, but he was really concerned about how he would get out. We had that conversation at least 10 times.
So, I guess what I’m trying to say is: Best wishes for next time!
Casey’s last post … Mamavation Monday- Week 4
Twitter: RachaelNevins
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So she didn’t say, “Daddy did that to you?” But how did she react?
Rachael’s last post … On My Mind- 011711
Twitter: AmberStrocel
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She guffawed. And later, I heard her laughing as she filled in her friend on the basics. And THEN we got to have a conversation about how we need to let other kids’ parents do the telling. Fun times.
Twitter: pomomama
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the questions about sex and reproduction don’t throw me as much as the questions on death, heaven, and spirituality.
and yes, those ones happen in the car too
pomomama’s last post … pssst! wanna learn something new
Amber, I haven’t laughed so hard in ages. The whole business does seem pretty absurd, doesn’t it?
lol. we haven’t gotten there yet, but we have gotten so close that I had the mini-heart attack. I asked some respected friends the same questions and am now calmly waiting for the next time it gets brought up because I’ve decided to answer truthfully and basically just like I did for all the birth questions.
A friends little boy had overheard a discussion about sex at school. Over supper he was full of questions. His mom told him that it wasn’t really dinner conversation and that after supper they would talk. The little boy said…”great, you and dad can just show me how it’s done right? That’s what you always do when I can’t figure something out on my own!”. My friend was mortified and thankfully by the end of the supper her sons mind was off sex. For now.
I have always been very open with the girls. I am not bothered by any of their questions. Mckenzi is sixteen in a couple of days and I went through it all with her. Her mom was too sqeamish so it was up to me. My mom was open and blunt with me and that is how I am.
Good luck Amber.
Twitter: bluebirdmama
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Hee hee – I sidestepped the underlying question by just starting with the basics of sperm and egg…referring to our recent visit to the fish hatchery and putting it in terms of salmon spawning. We managed to not quite get to the part about how sperm and egg end up in the same space together. Which was ok with me since this conversation happened at the dinner table when we had company over!!
One step at a time. But I know it’s coming.
I’m thankful that Hannah only asked these questions when you three were alone in the car.
ps. I’m sure Jacob’s good for the next while. Although he may choose to repeat some of your words aloud in a random embarrassing place just for good measure.
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Twitter: bitterindigo
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Well, you already know how well it went with Eve for me (she’s still trying to erase it from her mind), so I’ll share my sister’s car conversation, as she was racing with her two kids to her friend’s house — the friend was in labour with her third and the nanny hadn’t shown up to watch her other two. Jonah, my nephew, who was four, said “why is it always a big hurry when someone has a baby?” and Charlotte (who was born at home just before everything went pear-shaped) said “because if you don’t get to the hospital then the baby is born at home and Grandma says that’s a friggin’ disaster”.
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This is a great post Amber! You also had me thinking it was a baby #3 announcement when I scrolled down briefly. I love that you openly explained this to your children. My son is the same age as your boy and is growing up knowing where babies come from. This is what happens when you grow up in the home of a mum who is a passionate labour and delivery nurse. I talk about birth and vaginas a lot in our home, and want him to grow up just having the correct knowledge about these kinds of topics.
On another note, I also love love love hearing children’s responses to how a baby is born. I love having a giggle over their explanations before they’ve learned the facts of life. The best one, and this one sounds great to me, was how the mum grows a seed in her belly then the seed just slides out of the mama all tiny and little. In an instant it puffs up into a normal baby. How great would that be?!
Mama in the City’s last post … How To Show Your Support Of Breastfeeding even if youve never done it yourself
the last line “killed two birds with one conversation” you may have killed two birds, but I think two bees may still be buzzing!
I hope you get your 3rd. I am not in the 3-babies league. In fact after baby 2 my uterus screamed “enough already!” loud enough that I had the procedure done to myself as fast as I could (almost 18 months after the decision was made… it’s a long wait list apparently) …. a vascectomy wasn’t good enough security for my panicked body. I should clarify that I love my children with all my heart, I love every element of their upbringing and I miss many aspects of their youngest years (especially nursing them), but my body was feeling much too OLD and unstable physically for pregnancy again.
*pol’s last post … Mini-break
Ha ha, I too thought it was an announcement post with that “pregnant” test right up there. So sneaky. The “Daddy did that to YOU?” is pretty priceless. And that pretty much sums it all up.
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I swear, that’s what I thought too… I have a bad habit of scrolling through the pics before reading a post (I’m a visual, I can’t help it). So when I saw that pregnancy test it really threw me off… nicely done!
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I’ve had too many of these conversations myself (they do make lovely blog posts!) – I’m planning on installing a limousine-style soundproof screen soon. A friend whose daughter is a year older highly recommends: “It’s so amazing” http://www.amazon.ca/Its-So-Amazing-Babies-Families/dp/0763613215/ref=pd_sim_b_6
But I think I can keep ducking it with vague references and offers to stop at Starbucks! At least a while longer.
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Twitter: AmberStrocel
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Thanks for the book recommendation!
I did a lot of vague references, but once the questions got really detailed I was backed into a corner. Sigh.
Twitter: fuoriborgo
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I went through this conversation several times with my boys, and each time it was totally new to them and somewhat boring. Then I bought them age appropriate books, thinking that graphics would make more of a lasting impression. They never opened them. I gave up, and waited for them to be a little older. By then, though, they’d found out everything from their friends, just like I had at their age, and that knowledge remained.
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Twitter: torturedpotato
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I have had that exact conversation in the car, but it stemmed from “You used to go to daycare, and then I quit my job and had your brother.” Where was he? What was he doing? How big was he? How did he get in you? It was a long drive.
I think I posted about it at the time and a bunch of people commented that they remember their best conversations with their parents being in the car, too. Something about your mom being up there and buckled in makes you braver about questions, I guess. (not in our kids’ case, since they’re so young, but when they’re teens, right?)
Nope. The questions will keep coming. She’s not even covered!
Twitter: kellynaturally
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Have had that same. conversation. this week, in the car, in fact!
The difference being that we can’t have any more babies, but I haven’t divulged that specific fact, just that Mom & dad AREN’T having any more babies.They’ve asked me. And they’ve even suggested that we do. And they’ve asked how and why and were they both in my tummy at the same time, and if not, where WAS my 2nd child when my 1st child was in my tummy (yeah – answer that one, I dare you) and how does part of daddy get to the egg inside mommy, and before the real specificsof that process get asked, the topic always manages to veer a bit, and I can breathe more deeply. For now…
kelly @kellynaturally’s last post … Parenting Through the Perfect Storm
I am NOT looking forward to this conversation. I never asked my parents about this and yet someone figured it out so maybe I can avoid it. maybe? Sounds like you did a great job though.
Clever Hannah for asking all the right questions and then giggling. She’ll certainly be equipped to handle the world with that sense of humour!
i had the best conversations in the car, too, especially when the kids got older and very busy. Plus listening to a group ‘s conversation on the way to a practice, movie or sleep-over is gold. I discovered things I probably wasn’t meant to hear!And kids will confide all sorts of things in that wonderful, intimate space.
And, yes, the facts of life conversations just continue with age appropriate details being added. I probably was TOO conscientious in my need to be clear and open.
Pocomoma, the most memorable conversation I had in the car was with my little 4-5 yo grand-daughter just after my dad died10 years ago. She was struggling to come to grips with the idea of death. She started with where Papa had gone and I talked simply about the spirit going on after the body had died. Then, “Are you going to die someday, Grandma?” I almost went off the road. So, taking a big breath, I said carefully. “Yes, sweetheart, I am. But I don’t intend on that happening for years and years, until I am very, very old.” Big pause for that one while she struggled with the idea of how old I could possibly get.
And then the question that I didn’t want to answer: “Am I going to die someday?” My heart literally stopped . “Yes, my love, we all are and, in your time, you will , too. But you will likely have to live for many, many years and become old like Papa before you go.” There followed a very long silence while she digested the idea of her own mortality.
And then, very graciously, she changed the subject and we went and had ice cream because, you know, we had both earned it.
Sitting in Starbucks, and just about spit my coffee all over my laptop. This is too funny – mostly because it was you and not me.
But, yep, I have baby lust too.
xo
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Oh man that is too funny! It made me laugh out loud in the library and now people are looking at me while I’m smirking.
We haven’t had to have *that* conversation yet, thankfully, because our son is not yet two. However he is an IVF child so I’m wondering if I can get away with the whole “well you were made in a test tube” explanation? Got to be some perks to IVF
hehe in all seriousness I’m not looking forward to the day I have to explain how babies are usually made – I think I’ll be giggling right along with him!!
Love your blog Amber. I always read it but don’t comment.