It’s Thursday and I’m Crafting my Life! Today I am talking about warnings, and their value or lack thereof. I’m also talking about show tunes, because who doesn’t love a good show tune?
Last week I sat and watched Glee, because oh man do I ever love that show. I haven’t missed an episode yet, and I can’t wait for it to resume in April. It combines my love for the teen drama, ridiculous comedy and show tunes into one tidy package. Anyways, the point is that one of the characters performed Don’t Rain on my Parade, and this stanza stuck out for me:
If someone takes a spill, it’s me and not you!
Who told you you’re allowed to rain on my parade?
Those lyrics resonated with me. I’ve heard that song many times before, of course, but it’s never stuck in my head like it did last week. I’ve been humming it to myself ever since. Because, you know what? Fanny Brice was bang on – why is it OK to rain on someone else’s parade? It’s just … not. If someone is throwing their whole selves into something, and feels passionately that this is the right choice for them, then you have to respect that choice.
Except, not. Sometimes we legitimately have information that may be useful to someone. Like, say that I wanted to sell widgets, and I had a friend who spent years in the widget business. And let’s say that this friend knew that there were some fatal-yet-fixable flaws in my plan, but telling me would likely cause me to feel discouraged. Or might even make me a little angry. The friend should probably share the information anyway, especially if I’m about to mortgage my house to the cause. Right?
I’ve been ruminating on this, as I hum to myself. I am an engineer, and engineers point out flaws professionally. We say, “There’s no way you can make that widget, on that budget, in that timeframe. It’s impossible!” Then someone says, “Well, this is what we’ve been given, so we have to try.” And the engineers do try, and even succeed, because it wasn’t so much impossible as uncertain. Engineers just don’t like uncertainty, they have seen plans fail and it leaves them cautious.
If it’s OK for a designer to point out the flaws in a plan, what about a friend? Or a family member? Is there a difference? And when does it cross the line from being helpful to harmful?
Here are the conclusions that I’ve drawn. If someone doesn’t ask for your critique, you need to find out first whether it’s even wanted. It’s quite likely the Doomed One knows there are flaws in the plan, or at least fuzzy areas, but doesn’t want to hear it. That’s their call. I also think you have to consider what use the information you’re about to offer will actually be. If you see something that could be easily fixed, that’s great. If three years after the fact you don’t really like their business name, not so great. But here’s my biggest metric, and it’s the same one that I use for kids and tattling. If saying something is going to get someone out of trouble, that’s helping. If saying something is going to get someone into trouble, it’s not.
We all take negative opinions much more to heart than positive opinions. I love it when people tell me how great I am, but if one person tells me I’m not so hot it can ruin my whole day. Maybe even my whole week, if they really hit a nerve. I remember every negative comment that I’ve gotten on this blog. And I know that I am not the only one who operates this way. Much bigger names than I are hurt by what other people have to say about them. I believe, therefore, that we have to offer negative opinions with much more caution and sensitivity, or maybe even not at all.
There is a risk with offering your advice or your opinion. If you foretell doom and gloom and you’re wrong, you’ve lost all credibility. And even if you’re right, the Doomed One may very likely not heed your wisdom anyway. After all, we all believe we’re special cases, and regularly discount opinions that contradict our worldview. You still come across as unsupportive, and nothing has been gained. Or, let’s say your advice is heeded and the plan is scrapped. Is stopping early really that much less discouraging to someone who felt passionately about their Thing? There are consequences to raining on parades, after all.
The next time you want to give an unpopular opinion, it might be a good idea to pause first, and ask yourself why you’re doing this. Are you really helping or not? And the next time that you get a comment that you don’t need, hum along with me. Who told them they’re allowed to rain on our parade?
i rain constantly on my own parade(s) – i shall be reading your blog post again and then giving myself a stern talking to
(great advice Amber – sending you a huge virtual umbrella so your dreams don’t get drowned out)
pomomama aka ebbandflo´s last post ..wordless wednesday
Great post, Amber. Definitely something I need to keep in mind when giving oh-so-helpful advice to friends and family — and even to myself.
And, I confess, I’m a gleek, too. Rachel’s performance of “Don’t rain on my parade” totally had me tap-dancing around the house all last week!
Sarah´s last post ..Santa Baby
So my husband has this little rule of thumb he follows all the time: If someone starts asking him questions about what he thinks of something they are doing, before he answers he says “Are you asking for my honest opinion?”
Sometimes people aren’t. Sometimes they are just talking and like you say, they already know the flaws and they don’t want to hear them again. Sometimes when they say “What do you think?” they are actually inviting you to support them and pump them up.
So my husband clarifies what they are looking for and only offers a negative opinion if he’s been given the ok to be honest.
The other option is to just be interested. Ask questions and reserve judgment. Afterall, you never know, the Doomed One may just be the one to defy odds and why should I be the one who stopped them?
Lots to think about from you today Amber. Thanks.
It’s a strategy that seems to work pretty good for him and I always forget to use. :/
@childbearing´s last post ..Wordless Books: 1001 Things to Spot
“If saying something is going to get someone out of trouble, that’s helping. If saying something is going to get someone into trouble, it’s not.”
Print this on cards and hand it out! Best ever!
Mel´s last post ..Best of 2009: Word or phrase
“If saying something is going to get someone out of trouble, that’s helping. If saying something is going to get someone into trouble, it’s not.”
I have never heard that before…. I LOVE it! It makes the decission so much clearer!
I have always had a problem where to draw the line between constructive honesty and honesty for honesty’s sake (not always sunshine and roses). My friends have learned if they want a 100% objective opinion with no sugar coating, they ask me. Just the other day a friend asked…. “How’s my hair” and I replied, still shiny and smooth, except this small bird’s nest back here — let me get that”.
Then another friend says “hey! It’s looks fine!”
And the first friend said; “I asked T on purpose”.
I felt mixed feelings of horror and pride that I was so predictable to these people. I guess I have never been a “yes friend” and that’s probably why I have only a few serious friends and no casual ones!
Since entering adulthood I have learned that it is destructive to give people advice if they don’t ask for it, and I have even learned that some of my friends don’t want advice even if they choose to share a dilema with me. They just want someone to listen and a shoulder to cry on…. that is the hardest for me, but I have made a real effort to hold my tongue for them…. Even if they wail “what should I do?!” because I have learned that it is rhetorical.
*pol´s last post ..Added Enjoyment
Great post! I used to be that person who just spoke about everything I felt strongly about, out loud, spontaneously and with a conviction that bordered on ridiculous. With age came a sense that really who am I to judget the decision of others and the wisdom to know that while I can offer my opinion I don’t need to offer it in a way that is meant to try and change someone else’s. I don’t NEED people to change to see things my way. I like to tell it how I see it and that’s enough for me. I think (hope) it makes me easier to get along with. The point is, I’ve learned it’s better not to “rain on someone else’s parade”.
Christine LaRocque´s last post ..The "spirit" of the season
I wish I could get more feedback from people, period. Positive or negative. I don’t even care. I just want to know people are listening, reading, looking, etc. In the absence of any feedback, I tend to rain on my own parade. I assume my work is uninteresting and not worth people’s time.
Great post, but now all I can think about is Glee. I was a little worried about our kindred spirit-ed-ness when I found out you didn’t like peaches, or snow. I was afraid to ask if you liked Glee
.
Allison´s last post ..************Who’s On First?
I have this reflexive reaction to go ahead an apologize, in case I did this. I do this. It’s a flaw. I’m a whole lot better than I used to be, but I do this. If I did this, I’m sorry.
Kirsten´s last post ..Work continues apace
I have been continually learning when to actually give feedback and when to just offer support. Still figuring it out . . .
Lady M´s last post ..James Cameron, a Better Sense of Humor Than One Would Think
I don’t know. Here’s my (unpopular) opinion: I believe there’s a nice way of saying almost everything and with respect. Why should we say our opinion in the first place? Perhpas you’re right, the real issue is that ‘why’.
I’ll have to come back to this post later, it’s a lot of food for thoughts, Amber.
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