Finding My Tribe
It’s Thursday and I’m Crafting my Life! Today I am talking about something that is near and dear to my heart – finding my tribe.
I am a pleaser by nature. I think that many women are. I want people to like me, and sometimes I refrain from voicing my honest opinion for fear of what others will think. Sometimes I find myself agreeing to do things I’d really rather not, in order to gain brownie points. Other times I do this thing where I agree with someone, as a way to disagree more gently. “That’s a really fabulous idea! But I wonder if it will really work…”
I have discovered lately that stating your Truth is sort of paradoxical. On the one hand, when I talk at length about breastfeeding or maternity leave or refurbishing my shower curtain I am not going to appeal to everyone. I may lose a few folks along the way. But – here is the big one – I attract new people in the process. People who share my thoughts and concerns. People who are in the same place as I am. And these people are what Havi would call my Right People. They are my tribe.
While I’m in the process of crafting my life, I’ve taken a number of leaps. To me, these leaps felt huge. Things like talking about my dreams and giving voice to what I really want to do continue to be a struggle for me. I am really afraid of what people will say. When you’re starting something new you feel kind of vulnerable, and the last thing you need is for someone to rain on your parade. I am full to the brim with self-doubt already, you know? But at every step of the way I have been totally gobsmacked by the support I have received. You folks, as it turns out, are my tribe.
I have found my tribe by stretching myself, and by being myself. Or, at least, as much as I am able to be myself in this space, or even in daily life. When I respectfully say what I think, when I reach out to others, and when I set priorities I find folks who feel the same way. There are 6 billion people on this planet, and I am bound to run into more than a few kindred spirits along the way. But when I hide they can’t recognize me, so I’m not hiding as much.
Aside: Originally, I wrote ‘trying not to hide as much’, but then I heard Yoda and decided to commit. 
There have been times in my life when I’ve felt out of place. When I’ve been in a room full of people who are all saying one thing, while I feel totally another. I’m not sure that I would seize that moment to speak my Truth. There is a difference between sharing your views and being confrontational. But I am learning how to avoid that room in the future. If it’s not my place, that’s OK. It doesn’t have to be. If I can accept that and move on, I am far more likely to find the place that’s right for me, filled with fabulous people like you.
Next week I am going to talk a little bit about how I see my tribe. Who I think we are. In the meantime, I’d like to hear from you. How do you find like-minded folks? And how do you find the courage to speak your Truth?
Go Amber go! My numbver one requirement from friends is: “be authentic.” I don’t care if the get angry, drink too much, sleep in, swear a lot, are left wing, right wing or indecisive so long as they are true to themselves and, of course, don’t purposely hurt anyone
Harriet Glynn´s last post ..Be Yourself 
Just realized that has nothing to do with tribes -hehe… Have you read Seth Godin’s book on Tribes? He also has a Ted Talk on the same subject. We are lucky to live in the age of social media where you can find a huge tribe…:)
Harriet Glynn´s last post ..Be Yourself
This is a very interesting article, and it does raise a couple of questions….
Do the people who like you truly know the real you, or just the character you play in an effort to conform and fit in? On the other hand, you are exposing yourself and being brutally truthful, so what’s not to like.
Personally, I think you are incredibly bold. Most people live lives of quiet desperation, hoping to be liked. You have come to the realization that you have to be true to yourself and be genuine, and are willing to accept the risks and social consequences that come with that decision. That is true confidence!
And I hope I can be part of your tribe, because I sincerely like you as a person.
I’m still looking for mine. And finding the self- confidence to be myself and open myself up to being liked or not liked.
I wish I had your strength my friend…
Funnily enough I’m finding it easier to do online at the mo, and through my writing. So that’s were I’m starting x
Josie @Sleep is for the Weak´s last post ..Writing Workshop: Birthday Love
I SO get this… I’ve been having major stress finding any kind of tribe locally. My family of origin is definitely not what I would have chosen if given the chance, so I end up keeping them at arms length and being really distant. And you know how they say that friends are the family you choose, I feel like I need that in my life. But finding it… conundrum!! I’m starting to accept that the blogs I frequent and the readers who frequent mine just might be my tribe. I just want some face time, too… that’s all.
Jasie VanGesen´s last post ..crab if you wanna.
I haven’t found my tribe. Or maybe it’s just that my tribe is really, really small. Actually I think one of my problems with finding my tribe is that I am not really that good at faking it. If I was able to pretend a little better I’d probably have more friends…but if I’m pretending are they really my friends? Probably not. This is actually something I constantly struggle with – should I conform a little more to have more friends or just stay true to me and be content with what I’ve got? I like me more when I’m true to myself it’s just gets a little lonely at times. I look forward to see what you have to say next week.
PS. At least once a week either me or my husband says “Do or do not. There is no try.” Best. Quote. Evah.
Marilyn (A Lot of Loves)´s last post ..Backyard Fun: Wednesday of Few Words
I have found my tribe in a myriad of places but think it was definitely easier to find tribe in the earlier days, the university and rooommate days. Anyway, as a grown up I have found them at LLL meetings, other baby groups and on-line. When I was younger I found them at school, in the Women’s Center and in the Environmentalist and Vegetarain groups. Now that I’m married with kids, other than my “married with kids” groups, I have no idea where to find them. I miss the people who weren’t always just talking about kids. Not that they all do, but honestly I prefer a lot of my on-line thinking blog moms than my real life friends these days. But that’s just me. Blah.
Melodie´s last post ..I Lied to My Shrink, and Other Hazards of Breastfeeding
I haven’t found my tribe either. Part of my problem is that I can be extremely guarded so it takes me a while to let people in. I also identify with what Marilyn wrote about not being able to fake it. I also need to make more time to get and make more time to get out and meet people.
It’s taken me three attempts to write this, sorry it’s so muddled. I just wanted to say you’re not alone 
For the first time in two years I feel comfortable in my own skin and in my own town. I find that sometimes I take pleasure in speaking my mind in a group I know doesn’t really agree with me. I like a good confrontation!
I have known you for a very long time Amber and I can imagine how challenging these changes have been for you. You are a very truthful person but you are also very kind, and that makes you special. I admire so many things about you and am so happy for you that you are find your goove….you are also setting a fantastic example for your children, even if they are too young to get it just yet.
Heather´s last post ..Marriage
There’s nothing like when you connect with that kindred spirit.
Steph
This is how it’s been for me… think about what your tribe does for you: support, belief, and friendship, to name a few. Once I figured out that I could find these qualities in myself, my “external” tribe fell into place, and is growing every day Great post!
Well, I go to my favoutire personal development/financial blog and then click on the links of the post replies that say the most to me. And ocassionally that leads me to a like-minded person…. I think you and I have a lot of similar values!
You may be in a slightly different stage of motherhood than me, but you are farther ahead of the game because you are putting yourself out there for support and ideas!
I have more trouble finding like-minded people face-to-face. My best friends are the ones I made in highschool (20+ years ago), and my sister. And these people may not really have that much in common with me RIGHT NOW except all the history we have shared. We are not like minded, and have completely different lives.
*pol´s last post ..This one is for Amber
Oh ya. And I am totally getting what Marilyn says. I have never been good at faking it either. Brutally honest 100% of the time, or just keeping my mouth shut to contain the damage!
I have always been jealous of my sister’s ability to please people and be loved by everyone… she has a sparkly positive vibe that you just feel GOOD being near! So she gets invited to things and always has lots of friends and gets the promotions quickly. I KNOW she finds it exhausting sometimes and is afraid that people won’t really like her if they find out she is goofy and not as confident as she looks. She frets at not being accepted wholeheartedly.
I’m sadly used to it…. but still confused by it.
I don’t know what I project. But I don’t think anyone DISlikes me… I don’t think so anyways…
*pol´s last post ..This one is for Amber
I can totally relate. Sometimes I wonder where my steller “friend making” skills from childhood went.
As an adult I’ve found that you end up alienating your “friends” through such silly issues. If we could all just be true to ourselves and be confident in ourselves I think it would make life so much easier. All the posturing and pretending can really grate on you…
That said, I’m not big on confrontation either. I will say and do things to make others happy because in the long run, it’s easier.
Where am I going with this…oh well. Amber, I’d be happy to be part of your tribe, if you’ll have me. I promise to accept you for who you are if you can do the same
Carrie´s last post ..Partying Chuck E Cheese-style
I totally know what you mean. There are so many times where I just let loose and write exactly what I’m thinking without any filter whatsoever, hit “post” and just wait for the mudslinging to begin. But shockingly those are usually the posts I get the most support for. Yet when I’m trying really hard to be something I think is more popular or acceptable, that usually goes over like a lead balloon.
So now I’m trying to be comfortable in my own skin, and with my own thoughts/words. The thing that I’m starting to realize is 1.) You cannot be liked by everybody and 2.) You may as well be yourself and see who likes you for who you really are.
Easier said than done, but that’s where I’m at with it.
TheFeministBreeder´s last post ..Wordless Wednesday
I found that my blog goes through different evolutions as I go through different stages in my life. Some people stay around and I appreciate every one of them but some do choose to move on. I understand what you mean by the people who stay are your tribe.
I hope I haven’t been voted off your tribe yet. LOL.
I’m still not sure about this Internet tribe business, to be honest. I want to believe it, but I’ve recently been aware of many tribal wars that just make me very sad.
Francesca´s last post ..On Halloween
Our tribe was made of dancers for so long, and we hit an inflection point in everyone’s lives about two years ago – babies, weddings, moves for work, moves for grad school – that it felt like we lost touch with everyone. Now, a semblance of that life is reforming, with the plus that I have bloggy friends now too!
Lady M´s last post ..I Think I’ve Written This Post Before
[...] Thursday, and so I’m Crafting my Life! Last week I wrote about tribes, and how I’ve found mine. This week I am going to make a statement about what I stand for, [...]
i have no problem speaking out for the truth – unfortunately this little corner of canada wasn’t prepared for plain speaking when i arrived and i’ve been in some really tight situations because peeps round here would rather be unendingly polite to your face (while carrying on being completely and utterly useless in behind the scenes).
i think it’s a Brit-thing but it’s much more fun not modifying my behaviour and watching the appalled looks on faces of the natives
i’m slowly making friends ……