“Hannah: I love you more than Santa and bums and poop!” LOL

Funny you should ask because I was feeling a lot of mommy guilt last week. I looked up a few resources online that basically told me that it’s normal to yell at your kids and it’s normal for a mother to feel guilty ((hugs)). It’s also important to apologize to children for yelling at them cause it makes both of you feel better. Lately I’ve been working on not yelling in the morning when I’m getting myself and both my girls ready for daycare / school / work. It’s stressful, and I’ve identified it as a moment in the day I don’t want them to feel sad, stressed or upset so I’m working on it. I guess that’s all I can really do, I’m human and I yell but I can choose when I yell.

There are days, sometimes they even stretch together, where I know I haven’t been the ‘best’ mom. My guilt is somthing I acknowledge every day and process every day. I really do my best to spend time one on one with each child each day. Most of the time what we do isn’t all that ’special’, it is just us being together without interuption. Emma likes to fold laundry with me…and I can use the help!

I think back to what my mom was like and she had a temper too…one time she grabed a picture off my bedroom wall and hucked it at me like a frisbee…this is actually a fond memory of my mom and I laugh everytime I think of it…especially now that I am a mom and understand just how hard children can push our buttons.

On days that have been particularily bad, when I go to bed I make a concerted effort to program my head for calmness the next day. I try to do this rather than wallowing in my guilt. But, if the guilt gets too bad, I crawl into bed with each of the girls and whisper to them just how much I love them. I like to think that they get it even when they are asleep.
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What a wonderful post Amber, thanks for sharing. It brought tears to my eyes and made me laugh out loud. As for dealing with the guilt, I try to cut myself some slack and remember to say sorry when I feel I’ve wronged my little guy. He`s only 9 months so he doesn`t understand yet but I figure it`s a good habit to get into now. I believe our kids need to know we are not perfect and that we make mistakes too. But if we can admit to our mistakes, take responsibility for them and apologize we are setting a good example at least.

Amber, I love your blog. Seriously, thank you for posting this.
At bedtime, when I’m snuggled between my 2 yo & my 5 yo, I will ask them each night: What was your favorite part of today? Then I’ll ask What was your least favorite part of today?
I find the answers particularly enlightening. Oftentimes, is the most meanial “boring” things – like drying dishes – that they’ll have listed as their favorite moment. And I’ll realize, yeah, that’s because I invited them in the kitchen with me, gave them each a hand towel, step by step instructions, responsibility – and we all worked together & had fun… Fun, in kids eyes a lot of times, is one on one time with mom – doesn’t matter what.

As far as the angry moments. Hmm. I struggle with this on a nearly daily basis. My parents were screamers to the extreme – its how people communicated in childhood; and so I work against this. I find that if I identify my triggers (hunger, thirst, tiredness, confined space with grumpy hungry kids, etc.)and actively work to avoid them, or, if unavoidable (like 4 – 5pm, haha), have a specific game plan for that time/activity – like I’ll make sure I have JUST made myself a cup of coffee & have a craft activity that doesn’t require much of my emotional involvement for that hour of time – it really helps.

If I know I’m feeling down or grumpy, I tell my kids. This sucks at times – I don’t want to tell them I’m feeling bad – but then, at leat, putting it out there makes me more aware of it, and able to fix it, and them more aware of it…for whatever that’s worth – at the very least they realize mom’s not perfect, but that she talks to us when she’s feeling badly instead of yelling. I also have been known to stop before losing it – and say loudly “I AM VERY ANGRY AND AM TAKING A BREAK!!!” then taking myself to the bathroom or whatever, for a few moments, composing myself, then starting over. Really, I consider this MUCH better than yelling. Because what we yell when angry isn’t what we actually mean to say – its an expression of our feelings of helplessness at feeling the way we do. If we can recognize it coming on, and remove ourselves, or even better, recognize what CAUSES it and avoid it in the first place – that’s so much better than losing our temper.

If I DO lose my temper, I will apologize as soon as I’m able to be calm – I’ll let them know that’s not the mom I want to be. I’ll let them know what set me off (in a non-guilty way – I use “I” statements), and make suggestions – and ask them for suggestions – of what I can do better next time.
I also try to start off my day/parts of my day (like as I’m leaving work & heading to pick up my kids) with a positive affirmation – “I am patient” or “I am creative” or whatever; it helps.
I just remember too that I’m modeling. Always modelling. What I do, my kids will recognize as what to do/how to act – so I try to make sure that the majority of how I act is how I’d like them to act. Kinda brings me back down to earth & out of my own head.

The guilt? Well, we’re all human. I think as long as we TALK to our kids about how we’re feeling, how we are acting or have acted, and make genuine apologies & attepts to change in the future – then its all good. Guilt may alert us to “something’s wrong”, but aside from that, its not good to hold on to.

Thank you again for sharing((hugs))… I think I just might ask my kiddos these same questions tonight.
kblogger´s last post ..Spirituality & Kids

There’s a funny Mommy blogger whose name I can’t remember who said as soon as she became a Mom she was “shootin’ for the middle”. There is no perfection in parenting (although from what I can see you’re pretty damned close to perfect — homemade bread, woodworking classes, no TV — yeesh). Kids are not above a little guilt-tripping and manipulation either, bless their little hearts. I do apologize when I lose my temper unjustifiably. My kids apologize when they feel they’ve done something un-nice. We’re all just remarkably evolved and caring most of the time. All four of us are also capable of the most shocking bad behaviour, of course. I also find that I’m much more careful about the way I talk to and fight with (ahem, I mean spiritedly disagree with) my husband now that I have kids listening in. Sometimes it’s a good thing for the walls to have ears. I think just being aware of this as an issue is nine-tenths of the battle. The other one-tenth is the endless human struggle of what we want to be pitched against what we actually are.
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I have those days. And I feel guilty. But I always try to talk to her about what I am feeling and why I am yelling. I am upset or frustrated or angry because of X. I know she might not understand it all but I feel like she gets most of it. And by telling her why I am acting like I do and what I am feeling I think she knows she can then do the same with me.
I really just want to be good enough. I don’t expect her to be a perfect daughter so I try not expect me to be perfect either.
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I’m both inspired and scared by this post to think of the day when my 2-year-old can tell me whether he thinks I’m more mean or more nice. My latest trick for dealing with meltdown moments (my own, I mean!) is to tell myself, “You can be angry later.” Sounds goofy, but it’s actually helping. So many times I do what feels good in that angry moment and later want to kick myself and hide under a rock for how foolishly I behaved. So telling myself to wait and be angry later is actually just tricking myself into waiting until it all blows over and I don’t want to be angry anymore, anyhow!
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It goes in cycles. We have good stretches and bad. I like to remember that only about 7% of my time with them is really truly bad parenting. There is a good 60% of average parenting — nagging, reminding, etc. But that leaves 33% of good parenting, which means the good far outweighs the bad.

Try out the percentages. I bet you’ll feel better.

Also remember that the guilt cycles. You need to forgive yourself in order to parent effectively.
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geez, you hit the nail(s) right on the head(s) with this post. huge hugs to you and those who have commented for helping me get things into even more perspective.
i yell. i know when i yell. and i’ve told the wee guy (i stopped at one) that occasionally (ok, fairly frequently) mummy needs to give herself a time out when she needs to be quiet by herself.
he also has a good set of lungs on him and a phenomenal temper so he knows what i mean …..

we’re working on not losing our “feistiness” but learning how to control it appropriately and apologising when appropriate

but he still thinks i’m mean and occasionally announces he’d rather live with my sister, the awesome aunty b.

and then he writes nice messages on the windows for me to read (bless crayola window markers!)
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How’s that for coincidence – I write about how much we talk about poop over here and your daughter tells you she loves you more than poop over there. What is it with kids and poop?

Every single day I wake up and think I’m going to be a nicer mom. And every day I feel like I fall down on the job. It’s not like I’m an ogre but I don’t measure up to my own ideal. Every night my son tells me he loves me (though not more than poop) so I must not be as bad as I think. Mother’s guilt – it’s hard to avoid.
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More than Santa and poop, is loving indeed! 4 year olds can be so awesome (when they’re not driving us up the wall!)
Lady M´s last post ..Plentiful Persimmons

Hello my friend.

Not been over for a while and then I come and read this post and realised how much I’ve missed reading.

Love it. Hannah is adorable and you are far more nice than mean – that shines through every word. I love the relationship you have.

I am rarely the mum I wish I was but I make up for it with extra cuddles and putting everything aside for an hour of my undivided attention. We spend an afternoon walking 100 metres and look at everything there is to see, walk in circles and sit down for a bit. Then we eat cake and laugh at each other. And I do.not.rush.

I can’t wait for him to talk so he can tell me what he’s thinking. It’ll probably be about bums and poop too xx

In our house, we reduce stress with a code phrase. When the intensity level gets too high, and we all start to feel like the vinegar/baking soda combination just after they’ve been mixed, any one of us has the freedom to employ the phrase. Our phrase is “What do you want on your pizza?” – and it’s very often said loudly to be heard over the anger.

When that is said, it’s everyone’s cue to take a moment and calm down (it goes back to an incident between hubby and his best friend while they were in college). We name off a topping, sometimes searching for the silliest thing we can think of (purple spotted mushrooms and swiss cheese, as an example), which of course makes tempers cool even more. No one is allowed to get irritated at the phrase dropper, though I have been known to give a response of “Nothing til I’m done yelling…” – usually because the teen-ager has done something truly boneheaded and I’m really angry. However, stopping to answer, in any way, such a question does a great job of re-directing the energies that have gone awry.

We try hard not to yell too much, as the little one is very reactive to intensity, and will start yelling and crying and hitting at us if we get too loud and angry. We try not to subject him to that… not fair to him or us.

I do want to echo the apologies and snuggle/cuddle afterwards. Especially important in our house, since the little one needs to see that love still exists even if there has been yelling and anger. Hang in there, sounds like you’re doing a great job, and don’t let your inner voice heap a guilt trip on you.
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Laura, you rock. What a GREAT idea with the pizza phrase – going to share this with my husband & kids!
kblogger´s last post ..Spirituality & Kids

I know the feeling. I try hard not to yell, but it is a hard habit to break.

I think though, that as important it is for us to keep from yelling, its important for the kids to see that we are remorseful about it. Whenever I lose my temper and yell, I always apologize to the girls and explain that I am working on my temper. I don’t let them get away with whatever they were doing in the first place, but I explain that there are right ways and wrong ways to deal with your anger and sometimes mommy forgets that and that I am sorry.
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I don’t know. I just feel guilty. I think the important thing is to teach our children the value of communication: when something happens, when we lose our temper etc, then we talk about it, however hard it is.
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This is a great post! I love that you take the time to talk to her about it and treat her like a person. It shows so much respect. I try to do that too. It is a little harder when they are younger and don’t really get it. I love how my son keeps me honest… like if I forget to ask him for a bite before just taking one. When they are little it is easy for us to forget that the rules apply to us too. So glad you are doing a good job of remembering!
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What a beautiful Mother and daughter moment.

I love her answer….more than poop, how cute.
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