This past Saturday I attended a breastfeeding education day, featuring Dr. Katherine Dettwyler. She’s an anthropology professor, lecturer, author and breastfeeding advocate. She discussed a variety of fascinating topics, including breastfeeding and the media, her research on what the natural age of weaning would be in modern humans if we set aside our cultural beliefs, and caring for children and why babies cry. The topic that really caught my eye, however, was addressing guilt around breastfeeding (or, more specifically, not breastfeeding).
Dr. Dettwyler shared a quote from Harriet Lerner, which I immediately fell in love with:
Try to remember that our society encourages mothers to cultivate guilt like a little flower garden, because nothing blocks the awareness and expression of legitimate anger as effectively as this all-consuming emotion.
I found the quote online in the book The Mother Dance, and Dr. Lerner goes on to say:
Guilt keeps mothers narrowly focused on the question “What’s wrong with me?” and prevents us from becoming effective agents of personal and social change.
These ideas resonated with me. When we’re preoccupied with our shortcomings, whether real or imagined, we’re using up all our energy feeling bad when we could be actually doing things to change the situation. This made me think about this quote from Brene Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection:
The majority of shame researchers and clinicians agree that the difference between shame and guilt is best understood as the differences between “I am bad” and “I did something bad.”
Guilt = I did something bad.
Shame = I am bad.
When you do something bad, there’s room for you to choose to do something different next time. When you are bad, there’s not much room for improvement. When Dr. Lerner is talking about focusing on the question “What’s wrong with me?” I read that as a discussion of shame. It’s about believing that you are fundamentally deficient in some way.
During her conversation at the breastfeeding education day, Dr. Dettwyler explained this as the difference between guilt and regret. Guilt can be a positive emotion, because it can encourage us towards continuous improvement. Shame or regret, on the other hand, are paralyzing emotions that result in inaction. Regardless of the phraseology we choose, however, what Dr. Dettwyler suggested is that rather than feeling guilty, we should feel angry.
If you did not receive adequate support; if you were given misinformation; if someone put pressure on you not to breastfeed, or not to breastfeed in a certain way, in a certain place or at a certain time; if unnecessary barriers were placed in your path that interfered with the successful establishment of breastfeeding, then she suggests that the appropriate response is not guilt, but anger.
I breastfed my daughter Hannah for nearly three years, however, the truth is that I’m still angry about some of the obstacles that were placed in my path. Even though she was very healthy for a baby born at 34 weeks, weighing over five pounds and with Apgar scores of eight and eight, she was removed from the delivery room within minutes of her birth, before we were able to initiate breastfeeding. Once in the NICU, she was given formula in a bottle before I had a chance to try breastfeeding her, and without consulting me. She was given a pacifier, and when I expressed concerns about her refusal to latch, I was told that there was ‘no such thing as nipple confusion’.
While I managed to overcome our initial difficulties, it wasn’t easy. There were moments that were touch and go, when I almost threw on the towel. Had it not been for a supportive spouse and a midwife who came to my house and worked with me while I cried, I may not have made it. On the one hand, there’s no telling how Hannah would have done as a preemie even if I had been allowed to breastfeed her shortly after birth, and we hadn’t been separated. I understand that. On the other hand, we’ll never know. And so, yes, I am angry. In retrospect, I feel that it would have been better for both of us if we had been able to spend the crucial first hour after birth together, as she was as healthy as a baby of her gestational age could possibly be.
If I hadn’t managed to pull through and breastfeed, I do wonder how I would feel. Would I feel angry, or would I feel guilt and shame? Would I be beating myself up, or would I be pointing the finger at a system that conspired against us? To be honest, I suspect that I would probably be focused on my own shortcomings. I feel anger, in large part, because I know that I did all that I could to make it work. If it hadn’t worked, I think I may always wonder what I could have done differently – what I should have done differently. I’m not saying that I should feel that way, but knowing myself as I do I’m saying it’s likely this is what would happen.
Knowing that I have my own confused dance of guilt vs. shame vs. anger, I try very hard to be sensitive of the way that other mothers feel. Because I know that all too often mothers are told what they should do, while receiving very little actual support towards achieving those goals. We’re told to breastfeed at all costs, and then sent home with a tiny baby and a bag of formula samples. Is it any wonder that we struggle?
Breastfeeding is just one instance of how a mother can fall short of the societal ideal. There are no shortage of examples of how the wider culture likes to weigh in on our parenting – no shortage of ways we can “fail” as mothers. If we’re too permissive or too strict, we fail. If our babies are too big or too small, we fail. If our children don’t sleep the right amount of time or refuse to sleep in a crib, we fail. If our children sleep better in a crib than in the family bed, we fail. If we don’t get every vaccination on time, we fail. If we vaccinate at all, we fail.
I’m drawn back to the Harriet Lerner quotes. Maybe what we really need to do is stop focusing on the ways that things haven’t gone well, worrying over our own failings. Maybe they’re not really our failings at all. Maybe the real problem is a culture that holds mothers to high standards, but fails to provide adequate support. Because if we can move beyond the shame and regret to become effective agents of personal and social change, we can make a difference.
This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t strive to be better parents. Of course, there’s always room for improvement, which is where Brene Brown’s distinction between guilt and shame comes in. If we learn better, we can do better. But the truth is most of the mothers I know are already doing the best they can with what they have, every single day. So let’s cut ourselves some slack, and work for better social supports, so that no one else has to feel the same shame, guilt or regret that we have. Because, truthfully, much of it wasn’t ours to begin with.
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The thing that really strikes me about this is that guilt…well, there are many more opportunities for that beyond breastfeeding!! Also, with a child in kindergarten, you can really see that it hasn’t meant my daughter is noticeably different because she was breastfed for 17 months, in fact, she is progressing at her own (slower than average) pace! I bet some of the bottle fed kids are doing fine and their moms were quite possibly guilted into believing a much worse outcome would result.
Twitter: AmberStrocel
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Oh, absolutely – this extends far beyond breastfeeding. That’s why I love that quote about being trained to cultivate guilt.
As for the benefits of breastfeeding, we don’t see those at an individual level. You can say that out of thousands of children who are breastfed, fewer have ear infections and so on, but any individual kid can go either way regardless of how they’re fed. Given the lack of any guarantee either way, I feel like it’s that much more important to support individual mothers in their goals. So, if you want to breastfeed, you can do it, not because your kid is going to be a genius, but because you want to and you deserve to be supported in that goal.
Twitter: Lauraleemoss
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Absolutely- all of it. The ideal that mothers are to attain is designed for failure. Women and men don’t have to buy into it. Children need raised , but the team doing it deserves respect. When children aren’t nurtured society suffers- we all suffer. Support for stents trying (breastfeeding or whatnot) deserve treatment without roadblocks.
Twitter: AmberStrocel
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“When children aren’t nurtured society suffers” – YES!
Twitter: m2bb
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Funny, I’m working on a post featuring some of the links, articles and blogs I have saved over the years and am most likely to share with others, and Dettwyler’s piece on the language used around breastfeeding is on it.
I agree we should be angry more than anything over the lack of knowledge and support out there–I had difficulties initially too, and it was a hard struggle to get past all the bad advice (particularly from the medical community). That said, I believe it was guilt that kept me going. Perhaps inner voice is more accurate–certainly no one was *making* me feel guilty over my issues. On the contrary, people were more likely to imply I should give up. And I went into it not all that dedicated to breastfeeding so I certainly didn’t expect to be upset that it might not even work–but there was something in me telling me I could do this, and I’m glad I listened. So I don’t think guilt is all bad.
What frustrates me is that trying to share information or resources that might help other women meet their goals or avoid situations that moms like you and I went through has people playing the guilt card. As in, don’t so much as state facts because you might make someone feel bad. How can there be true choice when it’s not informed? How can we help women meet their goals if we’re not allowed to point out the obstacles they might face? So the conversation is shut down, and the cycle of misinformation continues.
Andrea’s last post … My Kid Just Said (Part 15)
Twitter: AmberStrocel
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Informed choice played a big part in Dr. Dettwyler’s discussion. People can’t make the best decisions possible without all the information.
Much of this plays into my ideas around providing actual support. Too often, we only tell people what they should have done after the fact, when it’s too late. People chastising mothers who are bottle-feeding in public would be an example of this. We need to make sure that people have good information and support up front. That doesn’t only mean facts, it also means people who provide hands-on help, an absence of road blocks, and so on. And it also doesn’t mean only talking about how awesome breastfeeding is. We need to accurately share information about the downsides of formula, as well as common obstacles that people face and how to overcome them.
As for guilt, I agree that it can be beneficial, as it spurred me on. But if things hadn’t worked out for me, then I fear my guilt would have turned into shame, and I would have blamed myself for something that someone else did. That shame is what I strongly believe we want to avoid.
Thank you for posting so kindly on a topic that is normally not adress in such a manner. In my short 7 years of motherhood it has never ceased to amazee me at how much guilt we load on ourselves and that is put on by others.
I have often thought if the medium would change the message would come thru clear and women and babies and families would benifit.
Some one once told me I should feel guilty about my lack of breastfeeding – she had heard my story and believed I hadn’t ‘really’ tried. When I tried to argue my point to her all she would come back with was – those who argue their judgements are guilty by default. It was a loosing situation all around. Thankfully, when it comes to motherhood – I am pretty good at not heaping on the guilt. Having such a struggle with PPD I have learned to let go of a lot of what society expects and appreicate and love all that I do as a mother.
When and if my daughters become mothers my goal is to help them see their worth and work to keep their guilt at bay.
Heather’s last post … Bravery
Twitter: AmberStrocel
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I think that is a truly worthwhile goal. And I know that you’re working hard, already, to help your daughters see their worth. That’s worth more than pretty much anything else, in my book.
I was really hoping to attend this lecture, so I am glad that you wrote a bit about you learned.
Renee’s last post … Motherhood and Creativity
Twitter: AmberStrocel
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I have some more posts planned, so stay tuned!
Twitter: mothersofchange
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Very well articulated! Amen, sister.
Melissa Vose’s last post … When All You Want for Them is Love: Adoption, Abandonment, and Honoring the Truth
Twitter: AmberStrocel
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Thank you!
I have been breastfeeding mu baby for almost 6 months now and it has not been easy. The first 2.5 months i was in pain everytime. I am very angry about the lack of support I received from the medical community. When I reached out to my obgyn for help at my post partum visit he just said breastfeeding is hard and its ok if you quit. When i was still having issues my general practitioner gave me a steroid cream and referred me to a dermatologist. The dermatologist looked at my nipples and said they wouldn’t heal until I stopped breastfeeding. Luckily I had support from two wonderful lactation consultants that kept me going through it all but there is only so much they can do. I remember those painful days and feeling so hopeless and conflicted and guilty for wanting to quit breastfeeding. The medical community tells you you must breastfeed its for the best and throws up their hands with a shrug and tells you to either quit or suffer through when you have issues. So yes I am angry. And I also understand why women quit breastfeeding. It hurts my heart when I hear of women who are having a hard time knowing there is not much help out there for them.
Twitter: AmberStrocel
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It hurts my heart, too.
I have so much guilt over not breast feeding, my daughter was taken to the NICU you immediately, once she was returned I got her to latch once in the weeks I tried to breast feed. We met with the lactation consultant and she was beyond useless spending less then five minutes with us, handing me a nipple shield and saying use this. Then she left never to be seen again. I called her after multiple times still struggling and got no response. I ended up pumping for six months until my husband forced me to the doctor for health issues including post partum depression. I ended up many meds that forced me to stop pumping. My toddler is 2 years old and I still have major guilt over the whole process and I am determined if we have another child I will breast feed. (We suffered from infertility, it took five years to have our daughter) The support system in our area for breast feeding is not good, and by the time we found another lactation consultant it was too late.
Twitter: AmberStrocel
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I’m so sorry that you faced so many difficulties, with so little support. I hope (and trust) that if you do have another child, you will have a different experience. I hope that you can move beyond the guilt, because I truly don’t believe you deserve it.
Twitter: m2bb
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What a terrible experience with the LC! Can you report her or write a letter? (says the woman who really should have written a letter about the terrible experience she had with an OB but never got around to it until too much time had gone by for it to be of any use
)
Best of luck this time, line up your support and resources ahead, you can do it!
Andrea’s last post … In Our Classroom
Thank you for this awesome post! I think it really resonates with a lot of moms, especially those of us who do feel so much guilt and shame over our perceived failures. I am really glad you were able to persevere despite all the obstacles placed in your path. It amazes me that hospitals automatically give preemies formula without even consulting parents, especially when studies keep showing that breastmilk will help these babies so much more.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t so lucky. My son was born at 38 weeks and had trouble breastfeeding from the start. I specifically chose a “Baby-Friendly Hospital” because I was so determined to breastfeed; however, none of the lactation consultants were able to figure out why my son was having trouble latching. They kept blaming it on his “small mouth;” we tried nipple shields, SNS, etc. and nothing worked. My milk supply never came in all the way and I was instructed to supplement with formula because he usually refused to latch, and if he did end up nursing, the lactation consultants concluded he wasn’t getting enough milk. He went on formula exclusively and we had a nightmare for four months while he screamed nightly due to pain from a milk allergy, reflux, and constipation. We slowly fixed these issues (with endless doctors appointments and a few hospital screening procedures that were horrible for him) and by his fifth month was a much happier baby.
However, I was devastated. I was ashamed I hadn’t been able to breastfeed, I felt so completely guilty that I somehow couldn’t breastfeed or pump enough milk, and really regretted not somehow trying every lactation consultant in the state until we’d succeeded. I cried over it every week, and no one understood why it was such an issue for me when my son (now 7.5 months) is doing fantastic.
Well, just one week ago I discovered something, which a specialist then confirmed: my son has a severe lip tie and posterior tongue tie. There was no way he could have breastfed without having both clipped. If these conditions were still identified and treated at birth like they were until the 1940s with a simple little snip, we would be breastfeeding and could have avoided four months of agony for my baby.
The soul-crushing guilt and shame over not breastfeeding is totally gone. I am frustrated that the lactation consultants, pediatricians and feeding therapists never even checked his mouth; I am furious that the medical community is pushing women to breastfeed while not giving us the tools to make it possible, and claim these conditions don’t affect breastfeeding. I’m in disbelief that lactation consultants, our first line of defense against breastfeeding problems, are so uneducated on such a huge breastfeeding obstacle. I wish I had continued to seek out lactation consultants, and perhaps I would have found one who could have identified the problem.
So, I’m still plagued by what-ifs and if-onlys, but at least I’m not beating myself up over it anymore, and I’m creating tongue & lip tie resources and trying to spread the word so other mamas don’t go through the same nightmare. Turning pain and anger into something positive
Twitter: AmberStrocel
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I’m glad that you found the cause, and that the guilt and shame is gone. And I’m also glad you’re turning your anger into something positive. Here’s hoping it helps someone else avoid the same issues!