Now that Jon is working full-time, things have changed a lot around our house. Of course Jon has always worked, but when he was a freelancer it was not so much 9-5, Monday to Friday. He would be around home regularly on weekdays or in the morning and early afternoon, that sort of thing. Now he’s off at work during daylight hours 5 or more days a week and I’m playing the housewife, holding down the home front. Or not holding it down, as the case may be.
I thought that I understood how isolating it is to be at home alone with small children. And I did – sort of. I’ve certainly spent lots of time flying solo when Jon’s been at work, or even traveling out of town. I’ve counted the seconds until bedtime and called in other adults for reinforcement. But I also relied heavily on Jon to help run our household. To buy groceries, cook, clean, and do the laundry. To pick Hannah up from daycare. In fact, I was rather smug, thinking that I had a gem of a man who did so much more than my friends’ husbands.
I do have a gem of a man. But now that he’s working traditional hours he’s just not available in the same way he used to be. Sure, he can get the occasional morning off in a pinch, but not for every little thing. That smug grin was wiped from my face as I realized what my friends have known all along – when you’re at home and your husband works full time, the weight of the domestic burden falls on your shoulders. These men are not being jerks, they plainly do not have the time. And since I am on maternity leave it’s not like I have my own job responsibilities to fulfill right now.
Wearing an apron, baby on hip, kid underfoot, dinner in the background
How am I handling my new role as a domestic diva? Not as well as I would have hoped. I feel frequently overwhelmed, surveying the clutter as I hold Jacob (who will not be put down) and watch Hannah make yet another mess in yet another room. I am not staying on top of it all that well. I am not getting things done as efficiently as I would like. My fantasies of how I would be a super-fab stay at home mom, baking cookies and keeping house with a smile may not have been based in reality. In fact even my goal to get at least a couple of healthy meals into everyone every day may not have been based in reality.
To my credit, I am getting better at the housewife gig. I am becoming more adept at spurts of power cleaning, at being patient with my daughter as we work in the kitchen together, at getting a wiggly 6-month-old up onto my back so that he can sleep and I can do a load of laundry. Holding down the home front is not easy. Like any job it takes practice and effort to learn how to do it well. More than most jobs it also requires patience and compromise and deliberately adjusting your attitude and outlook.
So, do I think I am cut out to be a full-time stay at home mom? I’m not sure. I still have the benefit of daycare 3 days a week, which most of my stay at home mom friends do not. And I do plan on returning to work. So I may be approaching this differently, knowing that it will all change up again in 6 months. I’m not sure if I’m really committing like I would if this were my new career, raising the kids and keeping our home running.
For now I’m kind of grooving on my role as a domestic engineer, even as it slowly drives me crazy. Who knows? Maybe with a few more months as a housewife under my belt, I’ll be a pro. Maybe I’ll even come to love it. Or maybe I will realize that I am quite content to work part-time and buy my bread from the store after all. I guess we’ll just have to wait and find out. 
Stay strong Amber. Take strength in knowing that you are not the only one who feels this way. My husband always worked full time but I can imagine how much harder it would have been for me if he was freelancing first then got an outside job.
It’s an ajustment I’m sure. If you ever feel like you’re going crazy, just blog about it if you can. It helps me.
I realized that we are almost in the same boat. My son is 4 and I am also on maternity leave for my two month old.
I really like this post, Amber. I think about this exact same topic all the time – would I manage being a housewife (errr hausfrau) full time for a while? The mental stimulation as an engineer must be tough for you. Your second to last sentence about buying bread at the store made me laugh. I hear ya!
Katie
My problem is that I finally get all the kinks worked out and then I have to go back to work. I still haven’t gotten my groove back and it’s been almost 4 months.
I totally feel you on this one – this has been my life for so long now…other than now I am not a SAHM anymore. I heard once, a long time ago someone say – you chose to be a stay at home mom, not a stay at home housekeeper. Your job is to raise your children and that can be a full time job. I wasn’t very good at letting the laundry and cleaning go – I’m still not, but sometimes I remind myself that the kids come first and the house can come second or third or fifteenth even!
i’m still struggling with the SAHM role (ha! for sanity reasons we’re rarely at home! but that’s by the by). my only way of making the SAHM life tolerable for myself has been to start up my own small home business which gives me some distraction from the mundane feed ‘em/clean ‘em role i have ahead of me now. i actually left full-time out-of-the-house employment a year and half before my wee guy arrived so i had a slight head start on being the ‘kept’ spouse (i followed my husband overseas from UK on a job secondment) but always felt the need to stay active out of the house with volunteer work.
while i do think that being the parent at home is the best job i have ever had, i now feel the need to contribute more to the household budget but am not sure now how employable i am within BC.
i didn’t feel fully equipped at the start of motherhood and now am not sure how equipped it’s left me for anything else!
I truly believe that the perfect “50′s-stay-at-home-mom” is a marketing creation of Hollywood. So if the house is a little messy and dinner is a frozen lasagna I’ve thrown in the oven at the last minute, so be it. Ocasionally I do get those amazing days where everything flows: the laundry gets done, the carpet gets vaccuumed, and dinner is more than a premade item from the store. But that is a one in a million kind of day
I know I’m not cut out for being a SAHM and I’ve made peace with it.
Those rosy dreams are about doing tasks that are mostly f#*king boring. Fun once in awhile, making muffins and whatnot, but for 80% of your awake hours? I’d die. I honestly don’t know how women in our stage of life manage to keep a nice house (without the use of housekeepers) and not die of brain-rot.
This isn’t meant as flame bait (while I do like to kick up dust and see what happens, I won’t start a fight on your blog). I’m not saying that women who like keeping house are stupid; clearly they’re finding stimulation and satisfaction somewhere, but urg, i can’t do it.