It’s sometime in the middle of the night. I don’t really have a concrete conception of time, as I’m only half awake, but if I were to guess I would say 4am. Ish. It feels like the hour has edged closer to ‘time to wake up’ than ‘time to go to bed’, but not close enough that I’m willing to actually consider getting up. Not even remotely.
My semi-nascent consciousness assesses my situation. I am in Jacob’s room and he is nursing. I don’t remember how I got here. Someone else is lying beside me – it must be Hannah. She stirs and asks for a hug, and I am less than gracious. It is “I-don’t-really-want-to-know” o’clock, after all. I’m not at my parenting best. I tell her she can cuddle up to my back, and that she should go to sleep. And I drift off again.
I have worked very hard not to know the details of my night wakings. I have turned my clock radio around, so that I can’t see it from the bed. I just don’t want to know exactly how much sleep I am missing. Who needs the tension of realizing you’re awake for the third time that night and it’s only 3:15am? Those numbers mock me, stress me out, and make it all the harder to grab what little sleep I can. So I hide them from myself, when I might be tempted to sneak a peek.
Without a clock, and with a conscious desire to ignore sleep disruptions, many of my nights are a semi-conscious haze. I have some idea of what might have happened, but I don’t really know for sure. It does not mean that I am as nice as I could be when a little person interrupts my slumber. And it does not mean that I always feel completely well-rested. But it does lessen my resentment.
I think that not really knowing is a good model for parenting in general, no matter the hour. When I enumerate all of the ways that my children push my buttons, and keep track of every little slight, it’s really overwhelming. I start to suspect that they are purposefully trying to drive me insane. I start telling myself they should know better and I can’t hang on until bedtime. I get snappy and resentful and I jump down my daughter’s throat when she asks me for a glass of milk. Because, you know, she needs to just leave me alone for 5 minutes. Just 5!
Letting go, forgetting, not keeping track is my goal. It’s not easy, being the grown-up and the mature one, when everyone around you is screaming at deafening volumes and someone just spilled their drink and we’re out of the pasta I’d planned to make for dinner. Someone has to be the grown-up, though, and until an actual adult shows up that falls to me. So I try to live in this moment and forget all of the reasons I have to be resentful. I breathe in and I breathe out, and I turn my clock around. Dinner will be late whether I know what time it is or not, no reason to beat myself up over it.
I don’t enjoy the daily chaos. I don’t like being awake in the wee small hours of the morning. I miss having clothes without stains. But if I choose not to know, if I allow myself to forget, things are better. There is no way that this tally of slights can ever be evened out, that’s just not how parenting works. I am the one who prepares meals and wipes butts, and my children are the ones who draw on the wall. So I ditch the tally as best I can. I accept what is, at least sometimes, and choose not to count the number of times I’ve been woken up or picked that toy up off the floor today.
Now, tell me. When is an actual grown-up finally going to show up? I’m not sure I can pretend for much longer.
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I’m the kind of person who likes to see the clock when I get up in the middle of the night with my daughter. It’s somehow comforting to know that ok, I can still get a couple more hours of sleep in.
.-= C @ Kid Things´s last post ..Scamming the People =-.
Twitter: Miss_Scarlett99
says:
I’m like C, I like to know what time it is…it’s why I LOVE our clock with the laser that shoots the time up onto the wall
I’m definitely a cranky camper when I’ve been woken many times by a child. Thankfully those nights are now few and far between. And the slights get to me too. This is why I know I COULD NEVER BE A SAHM. I would end up going crazy and making my kids hate me
.-= Carrie´s last post ..Post it Note Tuesday: the "Dear" letters =-.
I avoid the clock too. There is one in my bathroom that I avoid looking at when up with the kids or for a pee and the one on my nightstand is turned around. I simply can not get back to sleep if I start thinking about the time and counting the hours I have slept or the hours of sleep remaining. This morning my 3 year old had us up just as the birds were starting their songs…I guess around 4am. It was the fourth time that night but hubby got up with her because he’s off work today. I remember nursing my 1 year old and also getting up for work the next day, talk about a walking zombie!
These two sentences I can totally relate too: “When I enumerate all of the ways that my children push my buttons, and keep track of every little slight, it’s really overwhelming. I start to suspect that they are purposefully trying to drive me insane.” Oh my gosh have I ever been there, just this last weekend in fact. It’s hard not to take it personally, it takes a strong person and sometimes I’m not that strong and I have a “moment” of selfish ranting at the kids. We are only human. Any normal person would feel overwhelmed by two little ones under the age of 7. My mom joked with me last night about my three year old’s antics by saying “How do you keep a three year old under control – nail one foot to the floor.” Badum-bump! LOL
Twitter: kellynaturally
says:
I was up last night until 3am. Not because of anyone other than myself. And then… I can’t sleep. And I wake to check the kids. And the clock. For the bazillionth time.
Some nights I end up in my childrens’ bed, and some nights one or both of them end up in mine and neither my husband nor I remember how in the world they got there. Which makes me feel even more insane – do I really not wake when a 30 or 45 pound being climbs on top of and over me?
But last night I have only myself & blogging to blame. And I’ll try to keep that in mind today when I’m on my third coffee and my last nerve.
((hugs)) mama, I’ve been there.
.-= kelly (@kellynaturally)´s last post ..Neighborhood Nature =-.
Twitter: pomomama
says:
Sadly the actual grown up never turns up, but in compensation the ‘imposter wannabe’ makes great strides in personal growth and amazes herself with her resilience, accomplishments, skills, etc. She grows as fast as her children and eventually turns into that grown up on her own.
It’ll take a lifetime but you’ll get there.
.-= pomomama aka ebbandflo´s last post ..a quick plug =-.
Oh you are so wonderful to want to be that calm adult.
Reading this post made me feel a little sad over the intense resentment I have carried around regarding sleep deprivation. After all — “Don’t they KNOW I will be cranky?!”
I thought they were mad waking me so often, they should have known I was not in control of my spazziness at 3 in the morning, I revert to a temper tantrum dispensing toddler when half awake and dealing will a non-emergency.
Then I would always feel intense guilt about it and end up cuddling and calming them and apologizing for being so tired and cranky myself. Then I’d have to lay in bed for long after they had gone to sleep fretting about my own lack of understanding and lack of control….. sigh…. the clock probably made it worse, I could count the one hour incriments I was being disturbed.
I used to try to get my husband to get up with the toddler midnight events, because I knew I was ill-equipped to handle them rationally, but he wouldn’t stir, not even when I elbowed him. So I’d deal with it and then come to bed resentful. Not a great combo.
I was “blessed” with the nasty combination of sleeping lightly and yet NEEDING a full sleep to be civil as a parent. Oh the cruel cruel truth.
Good news is, 13 years into this parenting thing, I get enough full night’s sleeps to be really okay with them the couple occassional nights that there is a nightmare or stomach bug. We seem to have found a balance, and the kids don’t seem to harbour even a trace of anxiety around my past spazzy tyrades.
.-= *pol´s last post ..So far, so good. =-.
Well said, pomomama. “Forged in the fire” indeed.
Parenthood is one of the major defining and shaping experiences of my life, for sure. At my house (where those wacky kids are now responsible adults and live near-by with their own kids) we still use the phrase, “Well, someone’s got to be the grown-up here”, when the situation calls for a calm, non-reactive response. And, believe me, these challenges still continue. And now it cracks me up to hear that deliberate, calm tone in my children’s voices when talking to me! Hurray! The grown-ups have finally arrived!
Yes, hang in there, Amber. You’ll sleep through the night again (until they get their drivers’ licences, that is) and will gradually and naturally morph into the person you are so beautifully crafting.
Twitter: fuoriborgo
says:
I do hope you get better nights very soon, and that when you turn your clock around you see that it’s time for coffee! I never turned my clock the other way, but things got better when I started accepting that it was only 3:15, and not resenting it (or my child).
.-= Francesca´s last post ..Fried zucchini blossoms for breakfast =-.
Stainfree clothes? Now that is a thought.
I just wish kids would come with a sleep button. But they don’t.
But I agree, it’s sometimes just important to let go.
.-= Mel´s last post ..Kitchen lessons =-.
Yeah, I don’t even HAVE a clock anymore. I mean, yeah, I guess my husband’s cell phone is usually plugged in, charging, on his side of the bed, so if I desperately wanted to find out what time it is, I could, but I never do. I am with you – better not to know what time it is when my baby wakes me up for the umpteenth time to nurse. I just tossed our alarm clock (my alarm clock is named “Joseph,” and again, if I desperately need an earlier alarm, see cell phone, above).
You know what DOES help? Going to bed really early, with the child. It turns out that (a) my baby is not cranky and sleep deprived, despite waking up umpteen times to nurse, because he sleeps for a long time; (b) he gets his best sleep early in the night, thus, so do I; and related to (a), (c) you can in fact make up for interruptions (at least to some degree) by just sleeping a bit longer. I am now that lame person who goes to bed before 10 p.m. most nights. This is a little pathetic, but it has done wonders for my mood despite nursing my (cosleeping) baby between six and twelve times per night.
.-= Inder´s last post ..Big day! Joe meets Miles, and discovers a leaky faucet. =-.
Both of my kids stopped nursing long ago – and even when they were 100% breastfed they stopped nursing in the middle of night at 4 and 5 months of age. I didn’t realize how lucky I was. Now I do! So yay kids o’ mine.
I function very very badly on little sleep. I’m a sleep junkie (or was) and I think my kids got that from me. I’m sure it’ll bug me when they’re teenagers but right now, after reading this post, I love them just a little bit more.
.-= Marilyn´s last post ..An Excess of Bugs =-.
I terms of being a grownup, I’ve pretty much given up. I remember swearing viciously at Theo when he was about 6 weeks old – and suddenly understood Shaken Baby Syndrome. Luckily, my husband came to the rescue and from then on in, the rule was if you feel like swearing, wake the other person up.
Now, have it really easy sleep-wise, Theo is a pretty good sleeper does not feed in the night- sometimes at 4:30 or 5. But STILL, when he does, if I can’t go back to sleep or get over tired, I don’t so much get mad as I start crying. He’s quite mystified by this.
Anyway, lack of sleep does affect one’s ability to be a “grownup.”
harriet Fancott’s last post … Adoption gains
Twitter: ladymrules
says:
I used to be such an alarm clock-driven person. I even had a battery powered backup, so that a power outage would never make me late. I don’t think I’ve used an alarm clock regularly for two years – just a little voice that calls, “mommy, mommy, mommy, mommymommymommy, mooooooommmmmmy!”
Lady M’s last post … Music, Lights . . .
I’m so glad I read this today and not yesterday because today it really resonates. Last night I had only a couple hours of sleep. Around 5 I thought – wow, will I get ANY sleep tonight? And my oldest went to bed at 8 but was awake crying until 10. Why? She didn’t know. I was patient and wonderful until 9:30 at which point I snapped. And that seemed to be what got her to go back to sleep. But why couldn’t she go back to sleep when I was being sweet and listening to her and giving her snuggles and telling her everything would be okay? I just don’t get it sometimes. Ten my co-sleeping 3 year old decided to wake every 2 hours or less for “milkies” and I felt like I was nursing a newborn. Then insomnia. So I’m a bit cranky today – trying to keep it in check, but exhausted and looking forward to another go of it tonight.
Oh, how I know the pain of not wanting to know what time it is.
I used to be that person who would look at the clock every time I woke up. For the first few months after my now 9-month old was born, I still checked the clock every time he woke up, because I somehow thought that if it had only been 1 hour since he last nursed, then surely he must want something else instead. (Nope! Still wants to nurse again!)
Now I manage remarkably well despite the fact that I’m awakened several times a night, mostly because I stopped looking at the damn clock. Baby wakes up (usually by crying out and crawling around, bashing his head against the wall at the head of the bed), I roll over, try to remember which boob I fed on last but often don’t try very hard, latch him on (I wish to God he could just do that himself, but he seems to still not know what he wants in his sleepy stupor), then fall back asleep. I don’t know how many times this happens because I don’t look at the clock and I don’t count.
Yes, I sleep more poorly than I did before baby, but I sleep waaaaay better than the couple of nights we tried to put him in his crib for the night. King sized mattress on the floor so I don’t stress about him falling out (and he just this week learned how to turn around and get off it legs first, good little man!), and baby between hubby and me. Hubby is remarkably supportive (in fact, he was more upset than me when I tried to get baby to sleep in his crib for the night), and somehow manages to sleep through all the tossing and turning, so that at 7am when baby wakes up for the day (thank heavens for that — it’s not 6am), hubby takes baby and let’s him play in an exersaucer while he showers, and goes downstairs with him after, and I get a blissfully extra hour of baby-free sleep.
We find things that work for us is what it comes down to. Until it doesn’t work anymore I suppose. And it’s a moving target, so everything will change shortly I’m sure. But for now I’m pleased that I manage as well as I do. It helps that bedtime is still 7pm, so I get at least 2.5 – 3 hours of grown up time before the first waking, at which point I just go to bed. I’m not sure I could do things this way if I had an older one too who was awake for much later. Or one who was also waking up in the night. Or twins, my god, how do women ever deal with twins???? Those women are SAINTS.
Anna’s last post … Garden Mania and CMS Round Up
I love this post. LOVE it. I love it because it’s honesty at it’s grizzly best. I love it because I understand it, even though I’d be embarrassed to say it out loud. Thank you for saying that for me.
I think being a grown up is still trying to be nice when you are tired and haven’t slept.
Capital Mom’s last post … Missing you