I’ve been in the middle place a lot as a mom. You know the spot, it’s the place where you can’t make up your mind. You feel like you need to make some sort of decision, because things can’t go on the way they are, but the various options aren’t so hot at first blush.
I spent a lot of time in the middle place during the months that I was nursing Hannah using a nipple shield. On the one hand I didn’t want to use the nipple shield anymore, on the other hand it was the only thing that was keeping her nursing and I didn’t know what we would happen if I seriously tried to ditch it. And much later when we were weaning I was back in the same spot. Ready to be done, thinking she was ready to be done, but also not sure. I didn’t want to ruin things.
The thing about the middle place is that it’s often far worse than any of the alternatives. Anguishing over what to do, weighing your options over and over, but being too afraid to really take action. You might take a few baby steps and retreat in fear. You might wonder how you will ever get past this insurmountable obstacle. It’s all-consuming, the middle place.
Right now I’m wandering in the middle place again. I’m not really working, but I’m also not really not working. And about this time, halfway through my maternity leave, I become very introspective. I’m sort of enjoying not having to go into the office. And what if I don’t have a job to go back to anyway? Or what if I decide that it’s my calling to spend my days baking bread, tending children, and gardening? Or maybe I should forget all that, and take this chance to chart a new career path when I return to work. Which would look like what, exactly? Is there a way that I could structure my life differently so that I can achieve perfect balance and optimal happiness?
You get the drift, I’m being a totally self-indulgent navel gazer.
One of my New Year’s resolutions was to manage my time more effectively. And I’ve tried a little bit. But I think I need to get serious about it now. I think I need to come up with a better routine, work out a better balance. It won’t be ideal, of course. Most nights I still don’t get enough sleep, my chances of achieving zen-like perfection are nil. All the same I can embrace where I am right now, because it will be over far too soon.
And I think that’s my answer. Instead of looking at this as the middle place, I need to just take it for what it is. A brief period in my life. A time that I can embrace or that I can waste away with wishes, distractions, and worries. I need to embrace it.
Although I will admit I’m not entirely sure what that looks like. Embracing the present, seeking balance, all that jazz. If you have any ideas, I will be glad to hear them. For now I think it might mean stopping and taking a breath before I yell at my kid. And setting aside time to spend just with Hannah, or at least just doing activities she enjoys. Baby steps, right?
After spending 3.5 years at home with the girls I thought I would love being back at work once I got into the routine again. But, I don’t. I miss them so much and I feel like I am missing out on the party by being at work. Sure, I love the quiet time and my girls seem to be better children when not in my care, but I want my old life back.
I figure there are so many years left for me to work outside of the house. But, there are only a handful (literally) of years that I can spend with my babies before I have to send them out into the world on their own. I don’t want to look back on and say, I wish I had of…or I would have done it differently. It isn’t just for them, it is for me too.
I believe day care is great. But, there is no love and support like a mom or a dad at home with their children.
Good luck Amber – and you will always be a very educated wonderful engineer – but you are a mom too – and you and I both know that is much harder most days!
I hear ya, sister! I keep saying my decision-making faculties are shrinking in inverse proportion to how my ass is, well, not, since having kids (overshare? sorry!). Grilled cheese or cottage cheese? Bake cookies or go to the library? Look for a job or stick my head in the closet door and slam repeatedly?
Taking a breath is always a good policy. Way to stop and smell the spilled popcorn
i LIVE in the middle place! let’s get together for coffee at the Middle Place Cafe.
Most definitely take time to enjoy. In the whole scheme of life, if the dishes or dusting wait, it won’t matter in a week or a month or a year. One day the kids will be grown and you’ll be able to throw yourself whole-heartedly into housework and creating zen-like balance with the iron and the vaccuum. But you’ll miss the moments of popcorn stars shining on the laminate and throwing the Christmas tree stand; rather they’ll become those precious memories that will make you smile whenever they come to mind. If you remember, you & your sister thought grilled cheese sandwiches cooked golden brown were raw; you thought they needed to be burned black!
To me being a mother was the most important job ever but I learned there’s no perfect way to go about it. I wanted to let my children know I loved them and I wanted to let them become who they were meant to be. I’ve seen mothers accomplish this whether they were heading off to work every day or if they were at home. I also have mixed feelings on daycare; although a parent’s love is precious, there’s also fun and learning to be had in associating with others your age and with your interests.
You all sound like wonderful parents that love your children and, in the end, that’s all they really need.
you’ve hit the nail right on the head! a lot of mums i talk with are experiencing exactly the same. i’ve found it’s a. difficult to make a decision and b. it’s weird doing anything without the wee guy in tow. lately i’ve been forcing myself to go out without him (when i have him in childcare or he’s with his dad of course, not leaving him home alone!!) and it can be hard. i’m also wondering what’s next for this late-in-life mama. my career choices are limited (as an immigrant my degree, qualifications etc aren’t immediately transferrable) and i also have the dilemma of being the at-home parent vs. trying for some satisfaction in the workplace.
i don’t think there is a right or wrong answer, and that is so unhelpful!
good luck out there
….. and i’m in for a trip to the middle place cafe.
I don’t have very useful advice, except that I’ve been trying to be in the present more – to enjoy what I’m doing with the boys at the moment. Enjoy your (half) year! Where I get into trouble is late at night when I worry and work on the future, and it’d probably be better to get more sleep.