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Things have been a little hairy for my family this week. We’re all fine, and things are looking up, but we’ve all been stretched a little thin for a variety of reasons. Thankfully, we have amazing family and friends who can step in to help – and step in they have. I’m so tremendously grateful for them. And yet, as people offer up their kindness, it’s not always easy for me to accept it.
Accepting help is a touchy thing for many of us, and I think there are two main reasons for it. The first is that in accepting help, we are forced to acknowledge that we can’t do it all. The second is that in accepting help, we are relinquishing a certain amount of control over the outcome.
Have you ever had someone you don’t live with fold your laundry for you? It’s totally fabulous, right up until the point when you can’t find your favourite T-shirt. Then you find yourself tearing apart your closet, trying to imagine where someone who clearly isn’t you would put it, and despairing of ever finding it again. At this point, if you’re me, you start ascribing devious motives to the benevolent laundry-folder, who has now separated you from your favourite T-shirt. I have found myself in this position, feeling a little bit ranty and ridiculous – plus cold, because no T-shirt. It wasn’t my finest moment.
Accepting help requires a fair amount of letting go. Letting go of the desire to appear totally organized and in control, letting go of your own expectations for yourself, and letting go of control of where those dishes are put away. It’s far from easy for most of us to do all that letting go, especially when we’re not in practice. This is how mothers who had babies three days ago find themselves vacuuming when they should be sleeping, because company is coming over. This is how people who are sick as dogs decline offers of assistance, or show up someplace they shouldn’t be to keep an appointment. And it’s how I find myself frequently overwhelmed by the tasks I have piled on my plate.
I have been doing a lot of work, trying to get better at letting go. The good news is that it does get easier. As I accept help that’s offered, and see that the world does not in fact fall apart when I do, I don’t find myself reflexively saying “no” as often. If someone asks how they can help, I’m more inclined to pause and see if I can think of anything. Sometimes I can, and sometimes I can’t. But the point isn’t that I come up with tasks that other people can do for me, the point is that I’m open to the offer, so taking the time to reflect is a definite sign of progress.
The interesting thing about accepting help is that it’s not just you that’s receiving a gift in the process. When I’m able to genuinely help another person, I find it to be a very fulfilling experience. Being there to help someone else through a rough patch, or share some hard-earned wisdom, is one of the best feelings I know. When I reflexively decline help, I’m not only depriving myself of some much-needed assistance, I’m depriving someone else of the opportunity to be of service. Somehow, realizing this makes it easier for me to let go and accept help. And so I do, little by little, bit by bit.
The bad news is that other people still put my favourite T-shirt in the wrong place. Luckily, though, as I get better at letting go I can roll with it. Progress on all fronts!
How are you at accepting help when it’s offered? Have you ever found yourself declining assistance in order to prove something? I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Thanks for writing about this topic – it’s definitely one that could use some attention from me. It’s funny that you mention reflexively saying “no”, because I’ve realized recent that that’s my default. Sometimes my husband will come to me with a proposition and I’ll quickly shoot it down. He’ll follow up to ask why, and I’ll realize that I don’t actually know why. Probably because I don’t like that it was someone else’s idea and not my own?
Your point that in accepting help, we’re not only receiving a gift but also giving one is really important. I do love to feel like I’m actually being of help to the people I care about, and it’s keeping that in mind that really motivates me to work on my own unwillingness to let go, accept help, and not worry so much about being in control. So much to think about and so much to work on!
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Hi Amber,
this is funny – I have no problems accepting help if it’s offered, because I assume they have thought about whether they really want to help. And in front of the choice either to be super-stressed but “proud to manage all alone” or be relaxed as I have help, even if it entails admitting I don’t manage on my own – I gladly choose the latter since I have children. Especially as I hear lots of admiration of all sorts of people how I manage it all.
BUT: I never dare to ASK for help. I guess I have such a fear of rejection that I even don’t dare to ask *sigh*. i even play in my head through such a possible rejection, getting up my defences why I’m justified to need help, gettin all worked up although I never even ask :-/
I’m very much with Marion in that I am really, truly terrible at asking for help. I fear rejection. I fear making myself a burden upon others. I fear that others will think I’m lazy, or disorganized, or [insert an adjective that isn't really as life-shattering as I think it is].
The only time that I’m all gung-ho about asking for and accepting help, however, is during the first few weeks postpartum. I guess I just love the excuse to stay in my pajamas all day long and have people bring food to me. And I know that there are VERY few times in life when one can get away with that.
Completely concur on the latter! I love giving birth for being once in my life pampered afterwards by husband, family, friends and especially midwives! The last midwife’s visit I always break into tears as it signifies the end of being pampered and being allowed to accept it without afterthought…
That last midwife visit really is the saddest thing.
I’m fairly good at accepting help, although yeah, asking for it, maybe not so much. I’ve become better partly because I know a few of those people that are almost impossible to help and they DRIVE ME CRAZY. I have one friend in particular where it’s actually become a joke among the group of us at this point. If anyone offers to do something for her the first thing she says is always “You don’t have to”. Um, yeah, I know, but I just offered to because it would help you and I want to do it. I tend to couch my offers now as something like “I’m going to do this for you, and just shut up with the protesting or I’ll beat you senseless”. When someone offers to help me, I try to think about how tired it makes me to have to convince her to accept my assistance, and then I say “yes, that would be wonderful, thank-you very much.” Maybe you could make it part of your course – I think it’s something a lot of people could benefit from learning.
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The only help I tend to avoid reflexively is salespeople at stores. I might be trying to find something, and someone comes up and asks if they can help me, and I’m like “No!”. I don’t know why. I just don’t want to talk to sales people most of the time.
I tend to have the opposite problem you describe, in a way. I often ask others’ for help or delegate as a way to get things off my to-do list, and then when they don’t respond or don’t get the job done, I imagine “it isn’t my fault because it was their job now, not mine.” This is bad in its own way.
The thing about salespeople is that they are trying to sell you something. They’re lovely people, and they’re just trying to help, but that introduces pressure that I don’t like, either.
I hope your week continues to get better.
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