When you’re playing a game with your kids, do you let them win?
I have been mulling this over in my mind a fair bit recently. I often let my kids win when we play games. When we race, I always come puffing in about 3 seconds after they do. They love this. They especially love it when I deliberately play the fool, calling over my shoulder, “You’re so far behind me I can’t even see you!” And then I turn, see them, and say, “How on earth did you get there so fast?”
It seems only fair to handicap myself, at least a little, in play. Not to be too boastful, but I could beat both of my kids at most games with both hands tied behind my back. I am a fully-grown adult. Playing no-holds-barred “Go Fish” against a 5-year-old would really be kind of mean and totally no fun. My 5-year-old is still learning the names of all the cards, for Pete’s sake.
If I were in this race, I could totally win
But how far is reasonable to go in the name of leveling the playing field? As my kids get older, they will need to learn the rules of fair play. They will need to learn to gracefully accept defeat. And I hope they will find that winning is actually more fun when you feel that you’ve earned the victory. I don’t want to let my kids win so consistently and for so long that they come to see winning as the point of playing games with others.
Of course, there are many, many people who won’t let my kids win. Their peers, for one thing. Other adults, too. I wonder if it’s my job as their mother to teach them to lose gracefully, or if it’s my job as a mother to build them up at home, as the world outside tries to tear them down? Is it possible that losing isn’t my lesson to teach – or at least, not on my timetable? There may very well come a day when my kids tire of my transparent efforts to not beat them.
Puzzles are good, because there are no winners or losers
I suspect, that like lots of things in parenting, there is no right answer. I also suspect that it probably doesn’t matter all that much in the end. I doubt that winning or losing at Candyland will be the thing that makes or breaks them in the long run. And so, if everyone enjoys it, then I can probably just go ahead and let them win.
Except, here’s the thing – I don’t really enjoy it. I like to win. I like to win maybe a little too much. While forcing myself to lose is probably good for me, I can’t honestly say that everyone is enjoying our current games. But I am the adult, here, so I can suck it up in the name of fun and not having to listen to the whining when I smoke everyone in the footrace. At least most of the time I can, anyway.
Clearly, I need help. I need input. Do you let your kids win? Did you let them win up until a certain age? Or do you avoid games that involve winners and losers altogether? I’d really love some input!
Ooh, this is an interesting topic, Amber. I’m curious to hear what others do as well!
When I “race” with my daughter (who is five), I normally let her win. Like your kids, she just loves it. Sometimes I also “tie” her, which she doesn’t mind either.
But for games… board games, cards, anything else, really. I don’t let her win. She is pretty good at Go Fish and Crazy Eights. She can actually beat me once in a while. But I don’t *let* her win. If I’m teaching her a new game, I might give her hints/reminders about what to do during the game but after she has it down, it’s every man/woman/child for him/herself!
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We don’t play many win or lose games but when we do, I do let my kids win, especially my oldest, but that’s because he’s kind of a sore loser.
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Funny you should mention this…I was just thinking about when my 14-yo was little I used to let him win every board game or every made up game. I wondered later if that was such a good idea but I think he was the type that needed confidence. He needed to be able to win at something because he struggled in so many other areas — areas of struggle that hadn't revealed themselves until later when he was in school.
My little one isn’t there yet, but it’s definitely something I’ve spent time thinking about, since I play a lot of card games and board games with the kids I work with (who are preschool-aged). I let them win most, but not all, of the time. I think it’s good to build up their confidence (especially since the kids I work with have speech and language deficits, and that’s why they’re seeing me), but I also don’t want them to go away thinking they will ALWAYS win. When they sulk about losing, I say, “Sometimes you win, and sometimes you don’t, it’s part of life.” And then we talk about how much fun we had just playing the game together.
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Hmm… this is a tough question. Ari is still young, only 2 years old, so I take that into account when we are playing games. I try to be honest with him about “winning.” I’ll let him know that he “did a great job” or he “tried really hard.” I feel like honesty is the best policy when it comes to games. Then when they actually “win” as it were, it means more.
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My older daughter is just now learning to play games, so we haven’t had to deal with this yet, really. I do remember when I was little that my parents would play Trouble with me and I LOVED it but when I lost I’d run in my room and cry. Eventually I got over it though, and I got a little experience both winning and losing. The wonderful thing about games of chance like Trouble is that a five-year-old could beat you for real occasionally. It made me feel good to win because I knew I had really won. My mom loves to play games with my daughter, but they mostly play things like Bingo. My mom helps Suzi find where to put her markers, as she’s only three, and she wins sometimes while getting to review letters and numbers and whatnot. She thinks it’s fun. I can definitely see how this’d be a tough one for me and my kids a little later on, though. I get so competitive playing Monopoly that I can hardly find anyone to play with me. I don’t like losing either, so I guess we’ll see what happens when more open-ended games come into play!
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We only just started playing a win-lose card game (Uno) with Rain last week. Until now he refused to even try to play games by the rules. It went well in that we actually were able to play a couple of rounds. I went easy on him because obviously I have a 25 year advantage and he was still learning the rules. He doesn’t know how to hold the cards up so he spreads them on the table and I can see all of them. Despite this, he won a game. Now that he’s got the taste of winning he’s a terrible sore loser and an awful gloater. So my strategy is to try to take as even an approach as I can. I don’t play totally cut throat because I do want it to be fun for him – and no one likes to lose all the time – but I also don’t pull too many punches. I want him to learn that it’s the fun of playing, not the end result that matters and I want him to learn how to be a gracious in winning OR losing.
Introducing Uno was my attempt to get him to learn that sometimes we have to follow the rules/instructions. This is also a problem when we’re baking so it’s something we’re working on. But now, I kind of wish I’d chosen one of those cooperative games because I really dislike that whole win-lose stuff!!
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Great discussion here! A couple days ago I was also playing Candyland and I let my girl cheat the heck out of our first game and I let her call all the shots for my plays too. Then for round two, I slowly reintroduced some of the rules that she had tossed aside.
For me, the winning and rule following is something I try to keep balanced out. In my work, I encourage parents to engage in 15 minutes of “special play” with their kids every day. 15 mins of play that is entirely child led and directed. It does all sorts of good for their confidence and the relationship so I kind of keep this in mind with my own girls. Once they’ve had that chance, I might throw in a bit of “fairness” and “real life” experience that will help them along the way too. ; ) I take the “all in moderation” stance on this one (because I do love to do a victory dance myself!)
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I think about this too. I sort of do both because I want them to experience the thrill of winning (and obviously I could win everytime), but I also want them to know you don’t win every time.
I usually let my daughter win (she’s 3), but I have a competitive streak, lol. Sometimes I do let myself win. That said, I have a feeling that in another year or so, it’s not going to matter. She’s smarter and faster than her old mom. Then, it’ll be up to her whether or not to let mom and dad win now and again,
I play somewhere in the middle. When they are learning a game, I play easy on them. Once they understand the game better I play closer to normal for me. I never fully smote them, but I don’t let them win every time. It’s a hard balance for sure! I’d rather walk this tightrope than play the way my grandma does. She plays to win. Everytime! It tended to make me want to cry as a kid, but she thought she was toughening me up. Different worlds
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Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It really depends on which way the wind is blowing that day.
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My son isn’t at the age to play board games yet but I do let him win at the “race you to the steps” game. But from my experience with other children (from babysitting and/or family) I’ve always let them win the “foot” games but not the board games. Not really sure why except that it was how I was raised. Right or wrong? Who knows
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Of course you let them win! Your job is to challenge and engage and get them to perform a little bit better and reach a little bit farther. Maybe it is only me, but I don’t actually enjoy playing with my kids all that much. Don’t get me wrong I really like to see the look in their faces while we do play and hear them laugh and spend time with them, but the games themselves – not so much. At least not after playing them 200 000 times, which seems to be the case with most games of small children. My point is that I don’t mind not winning since I don’t really do it to enjoy the game itself, but for the interaction with my kid.
I struggle with this too when it comes to board and card games with my four year old. At first I would let her win. Then, after awhile she seemed to get overly boastful about winning and I felt like I had to play fair. To be honest, a lot of the games we play, like Candyland and Chutes and Ladders, don’t have a lot of strategy and a fair amount of luck is involved, so it wasn’t too tough to do this. When she lost, she would get really upset. I’ve tried to talk to her about being a graceful winner or loser, but she’s very sensitive and sometimes she simply shuts down. She now does not like to play any games with winners or losers.
I really like what you said about how maybe losing gracefully isn’t your lesson to teach. I wish I could get to that point. I just feel like my daughter is so emotional and anxious that she needs to have practice being a good winner and loser at home before I send her out to do this in the world….but, maybe this is my problem. Maybe it’s really that I’m anxious and it rubs off on her. Is our childhood home a test lab for all of our future social interactions? Should it be? I don’t know.
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Do you ever play teams with an adult and a child versus the other adult and child?
Nothing sounds less fun to me than playing a game I’m not ‘allowed’ to win!
I’m sure my parents let me win as a child – I especially loved playing Uno with my dad – but I definitely had plenty of meltdowns not winning against friends, so I think I learned my lessons there. I can actually remember hurling a game board across the room, pieces flying, in the middle of a losing game of Checkers. (Embarrassing.)
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With my kids, I try and split up “playing fair and square” and then letting them win, especially when it’s a game that puts them at a major disadvantage (such as racing, playing checkers, etc.). So sometimes I do go ahead and win the race. I won’t leave them in the dust, of course (:-)), but I beat them just a little bit in order to test the waters and see where they are as far as accepting defeat.
Candyland, however, is a whole ‘nother issue. It doesn’t require any skills. So whoever wins, wins, and whoever doesn’t, doesn’t. (And I totally sound like a super-competitive dictator mom here…and perhaps I am.
)
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I read a magazine article in a parenting magazine broaching the same subject and it did make me think. The conclusion to the article was that alway letting a child win is detrimental to their social learning. Something like that anyways. I also played a game with a little girl that was absolutely devastated when I won fair and square on a board game. Apparently she had always won and was totally upset when I won and didn’t know how that was even possible.
I think when it is my boy is old enough, I will do a mixed approach.
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Well, obviously I let mine win, but he’s one. The concept of games at all is still a little fuzzy to him. So….
But I agree, at some point he will have to learn that he won’t always win and he will need to learn good sportsmanship.
On a similar note, I think that games with NO winner really make the kids losers in the long run. I think winning/losing helps them not to be sore losers OR sore winners. It helps teach them that losing IS okay and DOES NOT make you a loser. I think there are a lot of benefits to that.
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Yeah, I ponder this too. I try to do a balance. I let him win some and then I totally kick his butt. Letting him lose helps him try harder.
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I did, always. Then somehow at some point the games turned into fair games. It was never a conscious decision, it just happened as they grew older.
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As I remember it when I was a kid, my parents let me win when I was really young and then as I got older they started to challenge me more and more. I remember my dad doing this with one of my male cousins especially. He used to race him a lot and when we was 12 or 13 he and my dad raced and he had gotten really fast. My dad barely beat him. The year after that he didn’t! I remember the pride on my cousin’s face and I thought it was really cool.
Em is too young to fully get winning or losing. K HATES to lose…I wonder where that comes from. Actually he hates to lose so much that I make sure he does lose some of the time. We play a lot of games – either board games or sports or whatever. I usually let him win one or two and then I win one or two and we finish off with him winning. That way we end on a high note but he still has to learn how to react when he hasn’t won. I really do think learning good sportsmanship is an important lesson.
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I struggle with this one too. With some games, I deliberately lose a few turns so that the game is really close, and then I let the last turn or two be real – that way sometimes I win or Q-ster does. But in the long run, I don’t know. I know friends who spent years losing skill games to their dads and treasure the memory of the first time they won.
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We play a lot of cooperative games around the house where we all win or we all lose. We just in the past 6 months or so started adding in games that aren’t cooperative (or playing competitive games competitively and not cooperatively). Sometimes we let Z win and sometimes we don’t. She’s been stuck on a fun matching game lately and we’ve play hand after hand of the game. There’s a bit of strategy involved in the game and Z is just catching on to planning ahead and thinking about strategical moves – Jeremiah and I could win every time but what fun would that be for her? (And really, what fun would it be for us – it’s a fun kids game but not one we’d sit around on a Friday night playing without her!) So we let her win some times. I was thinking a lot about the letting her win thing lately – and we try to really emphasize that it’s not the winning it’s the playing that counts but c’mon, who wants to lose all the time?
i think i really need to play more games with the wee guy but to be completely frank, it is really boring. i’m much a more a “work alongside” mother.
he’s also the kind of child who’s a sore loser even against the Wii
i’ve been thinking a lot about this, about bringing some structured routine to the household, and i think we’ll be instituting some kind of regular games night. i love the idea of parent and child teams so will try to incorporate that (somehow since we’re a two parent, one child family).
in my head, i’m thinking we need to show him that a. winning isn’t everything, taking part can be fun; b. losing and winning gracefully matter a lot; c. letting him win all the time isn’t going to bolster him up for the future
parenting – it’s one hell of a game (where’s the rule book?)
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I’m probably no help at all on this question.
I am like you… I ham up losing races for their benefit in some areas and generally unsure about whether I should always win (or always lose) sometimes too. One thing I do try is be a little “sloppier” with strategy for card games with my kids (purposefully not playing a card that would give me an edge for example). Thankfully they are getting tighter in their game these days, so I can honestly lose from time to time!
I also pick a lot of chance games (War for example) where the rules are finite and there is no skill needed. Games like chess are fun. I play to win, but also warn THEM before they make a mistake and if they let me I will suggest pieces to move….. but we don’t play chess often at all. Genuine skill games I try to avoid, it’s just not fair playing hoops with a 9 year old! I kick his butt!!! And the boy doesn’t want a lame B-ball player for a mom, so I can’t throw the game (my excuse not his).
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Great topic! We can’t fool our kids. I believe our children always know when we’re letting them win (even as toddlers), which doesn’t mean they don’t want it or totally enjoy it when we do! But there’s definitely an age (and it differs for each child) when they would rather lose than not win fair and square. By the time my daughters were 4 or so, they only liked winning when it was legitimate. My son (8) will still cheat to win, but always with a broad grin on his face. And he laughs when he loses.
Graceful losing is the skill most of us want to teach. I’ve noticed with my children and their playmates over the years that the ability to lose goes hand in hand with a general sense of security, self-confidence, and coping skills.
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