On Asking for What You Want
It’s Thursday and I’m Crafting my Life! This month I’m writing about deciding what you want and going after it. Over the last two weeks I wrote about figuring out what you want and the practicalities of goal-setting. Today I’ll talk about asking for what you want.
But first, a little bit of music to put you in the mood and placate my good friend Carrie. Tell me what you want, what you really, really want!
Now that we’re all feeling pumped up courtesy of the Spice Girls, I’ll get to my point, which is simple. Most people are not mind-readers. If you want something from someone, you need to let them know. Otherwise, you’re unhappy and everyone else is frustrated. The end.
I have been guilty of just expecting people to intuit what they should be doing based on their knowledge of me. It was like a proof of their love or something – if they truly understood me, I shouldn’t have to say that I am currently all about the colour yellow. Putting your wishes and desires out there is awkward and uncomfortable, so it can be tempting to just keep them to yourself.
At the risk of generalizing, I think this is a common affliction of women. We aren’t used to asking for what we really want. In fact, we’ve been more or less trained not to ask for what we want, lest we seem full of ourselves. So we don’t voice our desires, and then we don’t get them and we feel disappointed. Which is too bad, both for us and the people who would really love to make us happy but have no idea how to do that.
I have found that letting someone know what I’m looking for is tremendously freeing, once I get over my fear of rejection. Voicing my expectations and desires, and allowing others to do the same, helps to positively shape everyone’s experiences. For example, both times that I was pregnant we chose baby names early on. When people asked about our choices, I let them know we were very committed to the names and I’d prefer not the hear any negative feedback. I didn’t get any, and everyone was the happier for it. No one really wants rain on an expectant mom’s parade. And when I’m at the dentist and getting a needle I ask the hygienist to hold my hand and she does. I feel much less scared, which is good for her, because who wants a patient crying in the chair?
If you’re not used to telling people what you want, it can be scary to do it at first. I would suggest starting small, and with people you trust. Maybe even just with yourself, which can be a pretty huge thing on its own. Once you’ve figured out how to lay out your desires politely, you can build on that success. It really does get easier, with practice, to let people know what you really need in any given moment. You learn how to overcome those voices in your head that say you somehow don’t deserve to have the things you really want.
The downside to asking for what you want is that sometimes the answer is no. When this happens, it can really put me into a tailspin. The voices start up again in my head, asking me who I thought I was, anyway, to even want that in the first place. It’s no fun, I’ll be honest. But the truth is that I get far fewer negative responses than positive responses. And the other truth is that no one (other than me) believes I somehow made a mistake by asking. Most people are very apologetic if they can’t give you what you want.
So I persist in laying out my expectations where and when I can, as politely and respectfully as I can. It’s a good thing. It has improved my marriage considerably. And I believe that it will be the key to crafting my life into something that works for me. Waiting around and hoping that someone would deliver my dreams into my lap wasn’t working, and so I am giving voice to them. And while my progress might be ever so slow, I can see it, and I know that it’s coming (at least in part) because I am willing to send my desires out in to the universe. Because, in spite of my anxiety, I am asking for what I want.
How about you? Do you find it easy to ask for what you want or need? Or is this an ongoing struggle for you?
January’s Crafting my Life series is about what you want and going after it. On the last Thursday of the month, which just happens to be the 28th, I will include a link up. To participate, write a post on this month’s theme sometime during January, and add yourself to the list. Then go off and read everyone else’s ideas and thoughts and be inspired!
Cripes, is it Thursday already?
I’m tired and uninspired and I don’t think I have anything to add, but I love that you ask the hygenist to hold your hand. A while back I had to switch hygenists because the one I had was incredibly dense and even when I told her my issues she was incredibly insensitive (in a dense, not malicious, way). The new one is a thousand times better. A few years back I might have thought I just had to suffer through with the other one. It’s true that we also have to believe that we deserve what we want in order to start pursuing it.
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Great post, Amber. I think you hit the nail on the head about not asking for what you want being a particular affliction for women. My husband is always telling me how odd it is that I can be so driven in my career, but be afraid to ask by boss for even the most basic things–like a morning off to transition my son into daycare.
I have found, though, that lots of preparation and roll-playing (yes, roll-playing) can really help me overcome those issues. At my last job, I wanted–I deserved–a big raise, but I was terrified of asking for it. So I laid out my case in writing, which I sent to my boss, and I practiced saying out loud with my husband all of the things I would say to her. And when then time came, everything went according to script.
You are so right, though, that being told “no” can send you into that tailspin of disappointment. I still don’t know what the solution to that is…
Sarah´s last post ..Santa Baby
This is a funny one in my household. And not funny – ha ha. I do ask for what I want. I think it’s extremely important. My husband doesn’t like to hear it and thinks I ask too often in general and thinks I should just wait and see what I get (and I’m not talking gifts here). This often turns into me not getting what I want because he’s mad I asked. Hm. He does not ask for what he wants and expects me to be a mind reader, so since I’m not he doesn’t get what he wants either. I ask him and he refuses to tell me. Let me just tell you this has ended up in counselling more than once because let’s face it, I’m right and he’s wrong, but he doesn’t think so. Anyway. That’s our slightly screwed up household…
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This is so hard… and especially so for women. You were 100% right when you said that we’re pretty much trained not to be direct and assertive. I’ve never wanted to come off as demanding or bitchy, so I keep my wants and needs to myself. I’ve gotten a lot better about it in the past couple of years, but I still catch myself expecting people to be mind-readers.
Jasie VanGesen´s last post ..Here I go, being predictable.
Here’s another twist to asking for what you want.(I learned this one years ago at a workshop and have used it ever since.)”Ask for what you want with no expectations in return.” Now, I know that may sound counter- intuitive and even passive, but what it means is, put it out there and then don’t get emotionally wrecked if someone says “no”. If you accept that you have the right to ask and the other person has the right to say “no” then somehow that takes out all the drama and angst.It leaves a space to have a conversation if the other person is willing.It also helps to remember that not everyone is willing to “talk it out” right there and then, like I want to. (My husband has always needed time to go away and think about it.This difference in timing used to drive me, and him, crazy. But we learned…)
Being in relationship also means everyone getting some of their needs met some of the time (I know. What a drag. As a bona fide Queen of the World, I do think I should have priority,especially with my husband, but it just doesn’t work that way.)But not telling someone one’s needs or wants and expecting them to guess and then saying, “Nope. That’s not right. Nope. Not right, either.” is a mug’s game. Nobody wins.
Being reciprocal in an intimate relationship or close friendship is one of the most important things I can think of in order to build trust and love. Being on the giving end and never on the receiving end is a pretty important clue that something’s out of whack.
Amber, it took me a long time to think I had the right to ask for what I wanted, so good for you for being so clear. In the early days of feminism I went to the other extreme and demanded what I want, even when I wasn’t marching! It’s pretty normal for people to zing back and forth between passive and aggressive before they learn real assertiveness, the concept that I can get what I want, and you can, too, if we talk this out calmly. (And, yes, I still believe in organized protest, coupled with constructive action, but that’s another subject.)
Whew! Communicating clearly, firmly and respectfully a lot of work and I still forget all of this, only to have to relearn it, with the proverbial egg all over my face. But having tried to put this into practice has given me a real advantage in spotting the co-operative people I want to be/work/interact with. I suppose it would be true to say that over time I have self-selected. I’d rather hang out with people who, like me, are struggling to be honest with what they want and who are willing to care about my needs.
Ah, compromise. It doesn’t get us all that we want, but probably gets us more than we can imagine!
There hardest part for me is asking myself for what I want. And then listening to myself.
Capital Mom´s last post ..Kisses
Great blog! I have such a hard time asking for what I want and need- even my own husband. I’m going to work on that now- you’ve inspired me!
Joni Rae´s last post ..EarthMomma Evolution…
Asking for what I really want is something I’m alright with – except for with my husband. For some reason I constantly want him to just know what I want him to do. It’s actually one of the only reasons we argue. I’m upset with him because he didn’t do something to help me (although I probably didn’t tell him) – and he’s upset because he didn’t know that I wanted him to do something. ‘Spose I could work on that…
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I must admit that despite looking like an extrovert with a point of view, I’m really not into asking for what I want. I hate being “no-ed”. I hate it more than asking. This really needs to change. I am the type of person who will do what someone else wants if they suggest it even if I am supposed to be doing something else. I also do exactly what I have committed to no matter the circumstances (ie: I’m sick, over-stressed etc…). This would be great if I was an Olympic athlete but last I checked walking to Main street for coffee does not qualify.
That said, having a baby has made me have to ask for consideration, favors, and flexibility. It has made me less reliable, and even a bailer on occasion, which is all good in my books.
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I always ask for what I want or need. I often don’t get it, but I certainly ask.
Similar to what Capital Mom said – the tricky part is having to figure out what I really, really want.
Lady M´s last post ..Shoes, Friends, Memories, Haiti
You know that I do sing from the same hymn sheet. I didn’t used to but I have applied this now (and though I have to remind myself sometimes) I find it so much easier what I want and need then waiting for mind reading to occur.
Mel´s last post ..Day 20
Huge ongoing struggle …
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hi Amber, it’s Stacy the LLLL in Maple Ridge 
Anyways I own a maternity/nursing store in Maple Ridge, not sure if you knew that or not. Anyways, I was wondering if you ever did presentations/talks to groups? I posted a link to your blog on my facebook page, and have had a couple people interested in being able to chat with you about Maternity Leave etc. Let me know!
What a great post, as usual your thoughts really resonate with me, specifically as I work on my own project called “finding me.” I’ve only just started to blog about my journey, but what you’ve written about here is one part of it. I often know what I want, what I expect, but I am not very good about voicing it. Most particularly to my husband. It’s silly really but, as you mention, I simply expect him to know. This usually leads to disappointment. It’s not fun and mostly my fault, but a part of me wishes that after 10 years of marriage that he would just know. Your point about communicating what I want more often is well taken. Question is, how does one do that with their husband without being overly naggy or overbearing? I suspect if I started to be more clear, it might come as a shock .
[...] I am looking forward to reading about asking for what you want and going for it at this link up over on strocel.com. [...]
Hmmm…I seem to be a hinter. Not quite expecting my husband to guess because he knows me so well but also not coming right out and asking.
It’s so true that I have to work on this in my marriage and that it would work wonders outside the house too. Afterall, I’ll never win the lottery if I don’t buy a ticket.
BluebirdMama aka @childbearing´s last post ..Independent Thinker
[...] weeks I wrote about figuring out what you want, the practicalities of goal-setting and the value of asking for what you want. Today I’ll talk a little bit about re-evaluating your dreams and [...]
This seems easy on paper, doesn’t it? Like some of your other commenters my husband doesn’t always respond well. He tries, but I know he resents me asking (especially when it’s back related – my back pain, that is). Like, can you change Hollis’ diapers today because I can’t lift him on the changing table and I’d really like a break for a day, sort of thing.
It’s weird, bigger things I ask for are graciously accommodated.
Regardless, I’m never afraid of asking, despite the mild conflict that ensues or my own frustration from rejection because I’m a firm believer in It Doesn’t Hurt to Ask.
Having said that, I’m getting a whole “Week Off” at the end of February because I asked to not go on a trip to Boston with Hollis and Anthony because I wanted some alone time and the idea was immediately embraced and supported.
Gotta take the good with the bad, right?
Terrific post
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[...] Ask for help. If you need your partner to take the kids for a few hours, ask. Be clear and respectful about your needs. If you’re not, no one is going to know about them. It can be hard to vocalize what it is you want, but it really beats not asking, not getting your needs met and feeling bitter. [...]
When my husband and I first met, we were both at the tail end of bad relationships, and had kind of written off them all together. Surprisingly, our focus was on being direct & honest (brutally honest). We felt that if it was something that may hurt the other, we’d deal with that emotion and move forward. Sometimes I’m too honest with him and don’t think before I say something, but we both know it’s what we need to do so we can move on. We’ve been married over 3.5 years, I know it’s not very long, but our commitment to be honest and direct hasn’t changed. We do have our moments of gloom, but it makes us stronger in the end.
I haven’t really applied this strategy to my life outside the home, but I suppose there is no reason not to.
Just this week I’ve realized I’ve been trying to teach my 14 month old son to do the same thing. He has been getting very frustrated because he can’t communicate with me on what he wants, but he can understand me very well. Sometimes he has no problems yelling while waving his little pointy finger at me. We all have to start somewhere…
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