It’s Mat Leave Monday! The day we all band together, with our spit-up covered clothes and our unwashed hair thrown into ponytails. In fact, we’re even proud of the current state of affairs. Because while we haven’t shaved our legs since Valentine’s Day, we’re doing the most important work of all, watching daytime TV parenting our children.
(Please realize that I’m joking, in seriousness I think maternity leave is very important).
Having your first baby is a huge adjustment. In a very short time period you go from a young child-free working woman to being alone at home with only an infant for company. For many of us it’s the first time we’ve even held a baby this small, and now we’re solely responsible for keeping the wee bundle alive. It’s sort of crazy if you think about it.
I spent my early days with Hannah doing little other than breastfeeding. She would nurse for upwards of 45 minutes at a time. I sat on the couch with the TV on, waiting for a break so that I could visit the bathroom or have a sandwich. It was amazing to be totally at the mercy of this very small creature, who was completely defenseless and certainly not able to exert direct control over me. And yet I lived and died by her whims (or my best guess as to her whims).
Hannah and I at library babytime
I realized very quickly that I had two choices. I could spend my days at home all alone, watching Law & Order reruns and slowly going insane. Or I could get out of the house and find someone, anyone, to talk to. Someone who could understand how my world had been totally rocked and why I secretly wondered if I’d made a horrible, horrible mistake. Given those two options, I chose to get out of the house.
I set up an informal routine that had me doing something pretty much every day of the week. We went to library baby time, mom and baby yoga, strollerobics, swimming lessons, church, La Leche League, and a couple of mom-and-baby groups. We went on playdates with much older kids, and visited friends almost any time we were asked. Any reason to get out of the house and interact with others was gold.
It saved my sanity, it really did. Sure, I was still sleep-deprived and ill-kempt. But at least I wasn’t sitting at home and wallowing in my predicament. It wasn’t always easy for me to get myself out the door, and it didn’t come all that naturally to cultivate new relationships. New moms are sort of like 12-year-olds at a school dance. We all want to get out on the floor, but no one really wants to make the first move, so we end up stuck on the sidelines looking at each other. Which is why I think playgroups help, because they provide a low-risk way to interact and meet people.
I still feel like playgroups are saving my sanity 4 years later. And I’ve made some really great friends and cultivated a fabulous support network. But I’m always looking for more ideas. What about you? Do you go to playgroups? Have they been helpful? Or have you found some other way to build a network of mom friends and preserve your mental health?
Besides the playgroup, I joined an on-line community through http://www.meetups.com called the hipmomma group. They were in my town and had about 100 members. There was an online discussion group where you could post questions about any and everything baby related. There were organised playgroups at parks and gyms as well as more intimate meet ups at a members house. The best part of it for me was the month mom’s night only where there were no children invited. If I was too shy (yeah right) of posting a question all I had to do was read through the history to see that someone else had already asked it. We exchanged babysitter inforamtion here and I got a really great babysitter of it. I could log on at anytime of the day or night and not be alone. And, over time, I got to know most of the 100 or so women. It was a great experience for me, and I missed it terribly when we moved to the country.
yes, we were frequently away from the house too (still are mostly) and i always laugh when someone describes me as a stay-at-home mum – i’m never in!
my best ‘find’ after the initial mum and baby groups was the Family Place network. there’s usually one your neighbourhood and it functions as a casual drop-in play place with peer-to-peer interaction plus access to other services if required. my local ones provide a great safe and welcoming environment for parent and child to relax. while children play mums, dads and caregivers can swap chat about caring for a little one, local services, developmental worries and the rest of the day-to-day nitty gritty. it was a great support to me as a new mother and as a new resident.
That hipmomma group sounds amazing. We’ve never had a regular babysitter. Until my parents moved here when the kids were 5 and 3, we just never left the house together without them.
I quickly went from feeling like I was too exhausted/ badly dressed/ unable to string a coherent sentence together to leave the house, to realizing that staying home all day with a baby is the kiss of death. No matter how much of a massive effort it is to get yourself and the kid out, going out somewhere and seeing people always made the day go better. Those days when you feel like the next chapter heading in the baby book should be You’re a Total Failure as a Parent and Your Baby is Retarded and it’s All Your Fault? It’s really nice to go and talk to people who will tell you it’s probably not true.
I think it’s important to have support. When the support comes from people who understand what you’re going through, it’s even better. As much as I know my husband loves and cares about me, I sometimes feel like he really doesn’t understand my “nutty hormonal behavior” that I occassionally have.
I looked into the groups written in the article and comments and they sound interesting. I’m still caught in the “stay home all day with your baby” phase.” It’s hard to get out of it but I know it will be worth it.
Thanks for the post, it was informative.
Some of the most valuable advice I received when pregnant was to join a moms group. I was skeptical, but boy, it was the right thing. 4 years later, we’re still in touch and most of the kids were the guests at Q-ster’s birthday party! If I hadn’t joined that group, I wouldn’t have had ANY mom friends or been able to swap practical advice.