I have a little girl who is almost 2 years old. Like most children her age, she is pretty cute. She has the added benefit of being quite small, which adds to the effect. In my experience, nothing is cuter than a very small person wearing very small clothes and imitating adults. So, my kid in her tiny red boots pushing a doll stroller through a mall rates very high on the cuteness scale.
Because of the overall attractiveness of a very little girl, we get a lot of comments from strangers. So many people come up and tell Hannah, “You’re so cute!” Or, “Look at your pretty clothes!” Most of the comments are about her appearance. At this point, listening to Hannah speak, it’s clear that she believes that ‘pretty’ = ‘good’. And, it’s no surprise, given the steady stream of compliments from well-meaning adults.
I am disturbed by this. I am disturbed that she wants her ‘pretty shoes’, her ‘pretty clothes’, her ‘pretty dress’ all the time. I inwardly cringe anytime that I hear anyone use the word ‘pretty’ with Hannah. I did it myself in the early days, but now I see all too clearly what the results are, so I am careful to describe items by colour, texture, and so forth. ‘Pretty’ is a highly subjective term, and a standard that proves eternally elusive to girls and women. Not to mention that it is totally based on appearance, and not on any really useful metric.
I have no problem with Hannah’s love of fancy clothes or shiny shoes. I like some of those things myself. I acknowledge that it’s impossible to relate to our children with complete gender neutrality. But, still, I try to avoid gender-specific messaging as much as possible. I don’t want to trap my bright-eyed and exuberant girl into some role that is defined by society. I don’t want to limit her by notions of what is ‘pretty’, how a ‘good girl’ behaves, or what is ‘ladylike’. I want her to be free to be brave, and kind, and wild when necessary. I want her to understand who she is, and not seek after the approval of others. These are my parenting goals, and I am doing my best. So, I will continue to cringe at the mall.
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