It’s Thursday and I’m Crafting my Life! This month I’m writing about deciding what you want and going after it. Over the last few weeks I wrote about figuring out what you want, the practicalities of goal-setting and the value of asking for what you want. Today I’ll talk a little bit about re-evaluating your dreams and desires.
I’m going to offer a little bit of music to put you in the mood again. That Carrie has the best ideas. Music lifts the spirits, even if we can’t always get what we want.
I can be a little, um, tenacious. Or maybe strong in my convictions. I stick to things, even if I shouldn’t. Some people might call it obstinacy, but I don’t really like that word, though I will concede it’s probably accurate. Anyways, the point here is that if I’ve written a list of the things that I want to accomplish I will usually accomplish those things even if they all turn out to be somewhat ill-advised on closer examination. Because I’m not a quitter, man! I see things through!
There are advantages to tenacity, I will say that much. Persistence is often rewarded in life. When you’re pursuing some goal, whether it’s a big huge life-altering one or just preparing dinner, obstacles inevitably arise. The ability to stick to it and overcome those obstacles is valuable and it has served me well.
Life requires balance and moderation in all things, including the pursuit of your dreams. If you really, really want something, and you know that it can work, stick to it. But if you find that you hate what you’re doing and you don’t even know why you’re doing it anymore, that’s another story. As you’re making plans and imagining what you want your life to be like, you need to give yourself the freedom to say, “OK, this is not what I really wanted after all and that’s OK.” Because it is. There is just as much value in knowing when to walk away as there is in being able to see things through.
I studied karate for 5 years, throughout my time in university. I was pretty good, and I earned my first kyu, which is the highest level of brown belt. I planned and practiced for my black belt test, which was to take place in June. And the whole time I did this, I realized that I wasn’t enjoying karate anymore. I had a moment of clarity one day during a tournament when I was sparring with someone and I thought, “This chick is trying to hit me and I don’t want to be here!” I knew that I didn’t want to continue in the karate class, but I thought I should at least plow through until the black belt test. Because I am not a quitter.
Then something happened. For a number of reasons they postponed the exam by 6 months. I had spent ages preparing for the test in June and now I would have to wait until December. And this is a physical test, it’s not like I could just walk away for 6 months and then brush up again a few weeks in advance, I would have to continue seriously training if I had a hope of passing. And so I made the decision to quit. When I tell people that I was within a few weeks of my black belt test and I quit, they’re often surprised. Why would I do that? And the answer is, I did it because I saw that my happiness mattered more than this goal.
As I work to craft my life, I try to keep that in mind. The whole point of this exercise is to create a lifestyle that is better for me. Perfection isn’t possible, I know that. I also know that sometimes I may have to do something that’s not super-fun while I get my ducks in a row or make ends meet. But if I find that my dreams are turning into my personal nightmares, then I give myself permission to lay them aside. There is no room in the life I am creating for abject misery in the name of never quitting, I say. And I think I even really mean it.
Now it’s your turn. Have you written a post about figuring out what you really want and pursuing it? Or, for that matter, choosing not to pursue it? If so, enter the details below. Please, I’m beseeching you, don’t leave me hanging!
hear, hear Amber. bravo!
i’m in a period of reflection right now, examining my sluggish crawl thru my forties and trying to come up with something (anything) better which will benefit me and my family (let’s face it, family life can really be hit hard if the mum is grouchy, depressed and unfulfilled). i started last friday with (what i hope) is a series of “friday forte” blog posts examining and detailing what exactly i am doing to get myself out of my rut. maybe if i can set up a blogging routine i can also set my life on track too ….
stay tuned
http://pomomama.blogspot.com/2010/01/friday-forte.html
.-= pomomama aka ebbandflo´s last post ..speechless since friday – wordless wednesday =-.
I’ve made a commitment to learning how to make soap. Delicious, creamy, oh-so-yummy-smelling bars of homemade soap! Maybe there is some hidden message (a need to cleanse?) but I really hope I don’t fall short on my commitment. Whatever is pulling me in this direction, is there for a reason. I can’t wait to see the end results!
Well I wrote a post. I’m doubtful to how inspiring it is since I’m completely at a crossroads but it is what it is. I really liked your series this month.
.-= Marilyn´s last post ..Figuring Things Out =-.
That is an amazing self-realization about the karate! I admire the courage it took to quit that far in.
I too have been acused of being tenacious. I will stick to a task until I “get my money’s worth” from it. And usually by doing that much I can say I gave it an honest try to determine if it was good for my life or not. But during the process of giving it an honest try I do sometimes put myself and my loved ones through some grief.
A happy ending version of this is camping. I HATED tenting after having the boys, but switching up to a plain no-frills tent trailer revolutionized it for me! We have taken the thing out enough times to get our moneys worth out of it, and every time we do I fall more and more in love with the camping experience. Really roughing it without waking up damp is the secret ingredient for me.
As far as deciding to drop a goal, I have done a few of those! My tenacious tendencies were overpowered by a sense of dread at completing the goal. That’s why I never got my teaching degree, and why I didn’t push marriage on my highschool/college sweetheart… they didn’t continue to be my life’s desire after starting down the path.
(wow that sounds vain)
.-= *pol´s last post ..Grrrr oww wl! =-.
I think I will hire myself out as a music to inspire your blog post consultant. Could make millions I tell you! MILLIONS!
How’s that for Crafting your Life?
.-= Carrie´s last post ..Sleep, baby, sleep =-.
I’ve actually been trying to teach myself the opposite: that I’m not a quitter, that I do get things done, that I am persistent.
I certainly do agree with this though and one time I should have done just that was quit University in 2nd year instead of staying 4 more years until I got kicked out. I incurred a ridiculous amount of debt. I could have walked away for a few years, figured out my shit and then gone back. But I just thought that I couldn’t quit.
I think it comes down to allowing yourself to be the one in control, to be the one crafting your own life and not worrying about what other people will think or say. You’re in charge Amber!!
Specifically when it comes to future dreams, I think it can be helpful to not get wound up in details. We can’t predict the future so creating dreams that have some flexibility for you to grow and change is helpful.
.-= BluebirdMama aka @childbearing´s last post ..Independent Thinker =-.
Yay! Thank you so much for this post. It’s wonderful. I believe it takes true courage to admit when something just isn’t working or when your goals or needs change because often people just assume that you are “giving up” as opposed to thoughtfully re-evaluating your choices. When you re-evaluate a choice, sometimes it means admitting that you’ve made mistakes or that an investment of time or money is not going to yield exactly what you had expected. There is usually so much emphasis on how to reach your goals, on setting time lines, and on achievement, that it’s easy to feel guilty or ashamed if we don’t complete a task we’ve set for ourselves. But there is great wisdom involved in reflecting on life choices and feeling strong enough to venture into different directions. It’s important to acknowledge, as well, that who we are, what we value, and what we need and want changes overtime. To stubbornly ignore that can mean ignoring who we really are or what we are capable of.
.-= Saver Queen´s last post ..Meditations on food =-.
@Saver Queen – well said!!
.-= BluebirdMama aka @childbearing´s last post ..Independent Thinker =-.
This is such a timely post for me. I’m most certainly in a “figuring it out” place right now with my creative output. The wise “OK, this is not what I really wanted after all and that’s OK.†is what I have to remember to tell myself. I’ll try to get a post together.
PS – you are so badass with the karate! And it was badass to quit too.
.-= AmberDusick´s last post ..1950s Themed Housewarming Party =-.
I know exactly how you felt before your black belt test and I understand your reasons for quitting; I did the exact same thing. Like you, I just wasn’t having fun.
I dropped out of my undergrad honors program in my last semester. My thesis advisor died rather unexpectedly (he was pretty old, though) and I couldn’t imagine choosing another topic and starting over. At that point, graduating on time was more important than graduation with honors. My unfinished thesis was on the genetics of Mongolian wild horses.
I recently wrote a post about declaring what I want and taking steps in the right direction. The time hasn’t come yet… but I’m hoping that I’m doing everything right to achieve my goal!
http://farmersdaughterct.wordpress.com/2010/01/21/birth-plan/
.-= abbie´s last post ..Snow =-.
An important lesson for everyone to learn and what a great example. I would have found it so hard to make that decision (as I’m sure you did). When I first went to university I was on a fast track. My second year in, I realized that what I was pursuing was not for me. I wasn’t being challenged in a meaningful way, I was sleeping lots because I was unhappy. It was terrible. The hardest decision I ever made was to quit university. You can imagine, this was not an easy choice. I took some off, went to college and got what I believed was a meaningful diploma, made a career with it. THEN I went back to university with a new perspective, a new goal and earned my degree. I was ready, I had some idea of what I wanted. I was happier. That’s the point of being willing to admit that something isn’t right for you. You’ve inspired me, I might right a post about this experience. It was so long ago but had a lot of meaning for my life. PS, I have recently blogged about “Project Finding Me,” my pursuit to figure out who I really am. I haven’t figure it out, but I’m on a mission. http://litemochamom.blogspot.com/2010/01/revelations-for-new-decade.html
.-= Christine LaRocque´s last post ..Dinner time drama =-.
I’m going to have to write a blog post… I don’t want to completely take over your comments lol
.-= Michelle Evans´s last post ..Turning Over a New Leaf in 2010 =-.
Meg Cabot (best selling author of the Princess Diaries, among many others) often says that “don’t be a quitter” is an overrated saying. One has to try a lot of things (and therefore quit a lot of things) while finding what you enjoy doing and what’s worth spending your time on. I don’t think it’s an excuse for capriciously changing my mind, but I would be like you – thinking hard about whether the black belt is really what you want and making a choice.
.-= Lady M´s last post ..Dance Reality Show Shakeups and Jellyfish =-.
I’m late, but I need to re-read this in the morning, Amber.
.-= Francesca´s last post ..Art trip =-.
I’m immensely enjoying this series, Amber, and it’s got me thinking about the value of making a plan, and pushing for things to happen. Culturally, we’re not achievers and are loomed by a streak of pessimism (and really, how can you not when you’re born with the original sin), and so I found you’re writing very inspiring. Although I really want to participate in this, I didn’t write a post: I’m not sure YET what my “dream” is for this purpose. Next month?
.-= Francesca´s last post ..Art trip =-.