Today would have been my father’s 60th birthday. I say would have been because my father died in early February, 1993, at 43 years old. So today marks not only 60 years since he was born, but also the point at which I have lived for as long without him in my life as I did with him.
I did not have an easy relationship with my dad. In many ways he never really grew up himself, and I think he struggled to parent someone else. At one moment he would be really easy-going, laid back and fun, and at the next he would be angry and unyielding. He had demons, and in spite of all of his best efforts he never fully exorcised them.
My parents separated in 1988, and divorced a few years later. Following the separation I didn’t see much of my father. I was a teenager, and hardly all that easy to get along with myself. In the way that teenage girls are wont to do I cast my dad as the bad guy in all of my internal dramas. I was 16 when he died, alone. My grandparents found him some days later. I can’t recall the last time I saw him, it was many months before he died at minimum. Our only contact was over the phone, and usually the calls weren’t pleasant or friendly.
But that is not the whole story. The other side of the story is that my dad was friendly and talented. People who met him liked him for his unconventionality. All of the other kids thought that he was cool with his brightly-coloured, mis-matched Converse sneakers and his Hawaiian shirts. He was a self-taught goldsmith who made the most amazing jewelry in the studio at the back of our house. He was an entrepreneur and an acclaimed artist and artisan, and he cared the world for my sister and I, even if he didn’t always know how to show it.
I made my peace with my father, or at least my father’s memory, more than 15 years ago. I accepted that things likely would never have been easy for us. He would never be the dad I wanted him to be. That’s the nature of life – you play the hand you’re dealt and make the best of it. I think that I have managed to do that, for the most part. My dad helped me to become the person that I am today, and I’m grateful for that. Sometimes the best things come out of the hard parts of life, which is what makes it all worthwhile. The struggle is what refines and focuses us, and makes us strong.
I learned a lot of things from my dad. He taught me about rocks and nature and music from the early 1970s. He taught me who I am, and more importantly sometimes, who I am not. Because of him I learned that I am responsible only for my own actions, and I cannot control the outcome of every situation. And I learned about loss and grief, in a way that I hope my own children will not have to. Because I plan to see my 44th (and, for that matter, my 84th) birthday.
Today I am wearing an old brown sweater that I took from my dad’s house after he died. And I am remembering the man who is responsible for my very existence with mixed emotions. I think that’s OK. Real life is not as simple and tidy as we would like it to be, and so memories aren’t, either. I have made my peace with that, too.
Happy birthday, Dad.
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today is my grandfather’s 90th birthday…and he is still here, an incredible blessing. his son, my father, has never really been fully here…so much of what you say about the in-between spaces of your relationship with your father and his memory, i understand.
this was a beautiful post, a tribute to accepting.
.-= Bon´s last post ..a wonderful life =-.
May I first of all say: Your daughter looks so much like you…
As someone who does have a difficult relationship with her father I can totally relate to your post. It took me much longer to accept the relationship we have and decide to break off contact in my case was the only way forward.
Sending you a hug from the cold UK.
.-= Mel´s last post ..Best of 2009: Car ride =-.
Very powerful, Amber. I remember talking about your dad all those years ago. I remember, it seems, when he died. I could never imagine being without my dad so young, and it is so inspirational to see how you've not crumbled in loss, but grown in memory and love of him. ♥
(hugs)
Beautifully written.
Twitter: bitterindigo
says:
Wow. That’s some incredible history, and insight. It’s a real mark of a person how they handle having someone like that in their life. Good for you for what you’ve taken from it, and how wonderful that you’ve found such a great partner and great father for your own children.
.-= Allison´s last post ..**************Who’s the Bah Humbitch now? =-.
an amazing post and such wisdom and understanding for a man who had too few years. *hugs*
This has to be my favorite post so far Amber. I have a white cardigan that hangs in my closet that was my mothers. There are days that I wear it all around the house too.
.-= Heather´s last post ..The Nutcracker =-.
This is so interesting. I had a very similar relationship with my father. VERY similar. He would have been 62 on Thursday. He also has helped shape who I have become in drawing the negative spaces for my life, just like yours did for you: how NOT to be, what NOT to do. He also had good things about him, as all people do, and when his birthday came and went the other day I tried to focus on those. I’m sure I’ve inherited some of his good, too, though sometimes it’s hard to pick out.
Beautifully written piece. Thank you for sharing.
.-= Jessica – This is Worthwhile´s last post ..When rocks are feathers =-.
I agree that this post is so beautifully written. It really captures the complexity of relationships, and often those father-daughter relationships, even though it is your specific experience. Thank you for sharing this.
Lovely post, Amber. I lost my dad last year this time. Regardless of circumstances and all the details, this is always a time of year that makes us remember and reflect. Hugs to you as you remember all the good AND not-so-good things about your dad.
It is a bittersweet thing we have in common. I will post about it now (come on over).
.-= *pol´s last post ..2009 unfinished =-.
Twitter: mary_lynn_k
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That was a lovely post, Amber. Love all the old photos. I seem to be a bit teary now.
That touches me, too, Amber. Your experiences and memories of your dad have shaped you for sure. And your compassion and forgiveness shine through. Such a powerful and freeing process to go through. So, well done. I'll bet he'd be proud of what you and Jon have created.
Twitter: fuoriborgo
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Your parents seem very young when they got married and became parents, and sometimes youth is really not an easy part of life.
It’s a very intense post, Amber. I learned only a couple of years ago the value of finding peace, and making peace with our memories.
.-= Francesca´s last post ..Christmas pizza =-.
Thanks for sharing this moving post. It brought a tear to my eye.
.-= FamilyNature´s last post ..The Big Blow-Up =-.
Beautiful.
Moving in its honesty. You’ve put a lot of work into your father’s memory, serving both you and the good man he was well.
Brave.
I think I’m also pre-menstral but this got me all choked up. Thanks for sharing this beautiful tribute.
Twitter: ladymrules
says:
I’m glad you have found peace and acceptance – it can be very difficult. That was a lovely tribute.
.-= Lady M´s last post ..James Cameron, a Better Sense of Humor Than One Would Think =-.
Twitter: Hobo_Mama
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That was a beautiful tribute. Thank you for sharing that part of your story.
.-= Lauren @ Hobo Mama´s last post ..Breastfeeding and the holidays: How to take care of yourself =-.
You had me crying. My parents serparated in 87 or 88 (funny how I can’t remember anymore) and things with my dad were hard for a long time after that. I have made peace with him, but now I struggle to do the same for my mother.
These parents of ours, I don’t think they thought too much about what it meant to be parents. They just kind of did it. Not only have they shaped what I am and am not, but also how I do and don’t parent.
.-= Capital Mom´s last post ..Elevator =-.
Twitter: MyBarefootChild
says:
What a moving post. Thank you for sharing.
I have had a strained relationship with my own father for years and I am still struggling with accepting who he is. I appreciate reading your insight.