This was originally posted on February 5, 2007. But this time it has a picture, so it’s totally different. 
I have a little girl who is almost 2 years old. Like most children her age, she is pretty cute. She has the added benefit of being quite small, which adds to the effect. In my experience, nothing is cuter than a very small person wearing very small clothes and imitating adults. So, my kid in her tiny red boots pushing a doll stroller through a mall rates very high on the cuteness scale.
Because of the overall attractiveness of a very little girl, we get a lot of comments from strangers. So many people come up and tell Hannah, “You’re so cute!” Or, “Look at your pretty clothes!” Most of the comments are about her appearance. At this point, listening to Hannah speak, it’s clear that she believes that ‘pretty’ = ‘good’. And, it’s no surprise, given the steady stream of compliments from well-meaning adults.
Two-year-old Hannah, all dolled up for the park
I am disturbed by this. I am disturbed that she wants her ‘pretty shoes’, her ‘pretty clothes’, her ‘pretty dress’ all the time. I inwardly cringe anytime that I hear anyone use the word ‘pretty’ with Hannah. I did it myself in the early days, but now I see all too clearly what the results are, so I am careful to describe items by colour, texture, and so forth. ‘Pretty’ is a highly subjective term, and a standard that proves eternally elusive to girls and women. Not to mention that it is totally based on appearance, and not on any really useful metric.
I have no problem with Hannah’s love of fancy clothes or shiny shoes. I like some of those things myself. I acknowledge that it’s impossible to relate to our children with complete gender neutrality. But, still, I try to avoid gender-specific messaging as much as possible. I don’t want to trap my bright-eyed and exuberant girl into some role that is defined by society. I don’t want to limit her by notions of what is ‘pretty’, how a ‘good girl’ behaves, or what is ‘ladylike’. I want her to be free to be brave, and kind, and wild when necessary. I want her to understand who she is, and not seek after the approval of others. These are my parenting goals, and I am doing my best. So, I will continue to cringe at the mall.
Very interesting post. Really gave me something to think about when speaking to my 2 year old girl. Thanks!
I think if you definitely have your work cut out for you, but if you are conscious of not promoting and pushing the idea of a pretty girl = good girl, then I’m sure you’ll be fine.
I think I was told I was cute and pretty all the time as a kid, but my parents never really enforced that mindset by complimenting me every day, which helped I think.
But I’m curious — what would you rather the mall adults say?
I think I would rather that the mall adults just said ‘hello’, or if they felt the need to comment that they chose something not so loaded. Even, “I like those shoes you are wearing,” is a little less loaded than, “You have such pretty, pretty shoes!”
I, in constrast, was never told I was pretty or cute when I was a very young girl, by anyone. Most times, with my at-home bowl cut and baseball hat, my parents would get “What a cute little boy!”. I got told, a lot, when growing up, that I was tough, that I was rough, and that I was useful. Not exactly empowering for a girl. I took it to heart and was a true tom boy.
It influenced me to have a disdain for anything “pretty” or “cute”, and I think, in the long run, it has prevented me from really being confident in some areas of my life, like makeup, high heels, being “womanly”, and accepting pink as a wardrobe colour.
I think there is a happy medium between encouraging the “pretty girl” vs “strong girl” ideals. Let her feel pretty, let her have her girly stuff, and as she gets older, take that pretty stuff and incorporate it into her empowering activities! Pink glittery soccer shin guards, for instance.
And here is the biggest influence of all. You! No matter how many strangers tell her she is the epitomy of some little girl stereotype, she will look to you to shape her beliefs and actions in this world. Heavy, I know, but also relieving, I think.
.-= caroline´s last post ..Submission =-.
My sister was the “pretty” girl. Striking golden blonde hair and energetic smile, always ready to perform and giggle right on cue…. that was my sister. And she is still beautiful (and blond thanks to modern chemistry) and uses her looks as a tool to help her get ahead in her career and social situations. Don’t knock beauty. Beautiful people have it easier in alot of ways. I am very grateful my sister never let it go to her head or get obsessed with it, she may be blonde but she has NEVER been stupid!
Next to my sister I was just plain. The compliments came as a polite footnote to my sister’s. And my personality not nearly as bubbly and outgoing as my sister… now that I think of it I probably came across as too serious for a kid. I still feel tremendous gratitude when someone sees the family resemblence between us! Isn’t that funny?!
Back to your dilemma, I wish you luck with that. The best gift my dad ever gave me was not defining me or my sister as “girls”. We were permitted to get dirty, climb trees, wear pants and play cars with our friends. Being girlie-girls was fun too, but never enforced. Pink was just another colour. And the Cinderella movie was on the shelf next to Star Wars (Princess Leia can handle a blaster with the best of them).
.-= *pol´s last post ..1994 =-.
Well, she is adorable, of course. But I do see where you are coming from. My problem was with the adults who said that children were to be seen and not heard. That was a low blow to my adventurous/opinionated side.
.-= Jennifer´s last post ..Cicada =-.
Well, it’s hard to deny her adorableness, but I’ll tell you as a mom just a couple years ahead of where you are now – my girls are 4 and 21 mos. – she is simply in the phase of her life where it is still important to please you. Every bit of attention or praise that she gets will be equated with ‘good,’ because it’s what she knows makes everybody smile. Right now pretty does indeed equal good, but so would anything else.
Take it while it lasts; in a couple of years she will be demanding ‘pretty’ things (and you’d be surprised what a pre-schooler decides is pretty) without giving a hoot about whether or not you are pleased with her behaviour.
But I hear ya.
.-= kgirl´s last post ..Crisis/Catharsis =-.