I was laid off almost exactly two months ago. I recently went to a farewell lunch for my team members and myself. I brought my baby because that’s how I roll these days, and thankfully he was well behaved. It was good to see my former co-workers again. We laughed and joked and the company picked up the tab. It was the least they could do, really.
I was a little nervous about going. It felt a little awkward facing everyone post-layoff. It’s almost a little bit embarrassing, as if I have somehow been disgraced. But I reminded myself that it really wasn’t about me and I had no reason to feel awkward. Downsizing is not personal. This lunch was about all of these people I’ve worked with for years having a chance to say our goodbyes. They are good people and I will miss them.
What the lunch drove home for me was how I still feel a sense of loss two months later. This is the end of a whole chapter of my life. It happened without my input, based on budgetary considerations. And it makes me very sad. Just like that, I don’t see my co-workers anymore. Just like that, my plans are upended and I have to make new ones. Just like that my identity shifts. I didn’t really choose to say goodbye and I wasn’t ready, but I have to do it anyway.
I decided that I need closure. I need to accept that this is over and move on. So I went to the lunch and said my goodbyes. I wrote an email to the whole company and asked my team leader to send it on my behalf. I gathered up my work ‘stuff’ and got rid of it – I don’t need it anymore. It’s over and I’m going through the motions to end it.
It’s no fun, saying goodbye. Even when you’re moving on to better things there is always a sadness that comes with an ending. People you’ll miss, places you’ve loved, memories that haunt a space in your life. It’s a little odd, really, that I’ll maybe never see these folks I’ve spent more than a decade working with. But it’s where I am now for better or worse, and I know what I have to do. I have to say goodbye to what’s over so that I can do the next thing. Make my peace and move on.
I hope I can do that. I really, really hope that I can do that. I guess I don’t really have a choice, do I?
If you have any words of wisdom that have seen you through an ending, I’d love to hear them. I could use a little wisdom right now.
Amber, I love reading your writing its witty, captivating and always very interesting. I have no words of wisdom on ending unfortunately, or none that would actually be considered wise. I do know that change is harder when we base our identity on WHAT we are doing and not who we are. Maybe this shift will give you the time and space to be more of the person you want to be?The most defining moments in my life so far have happened when I was the furthest from 'home', the saddest of sacks and the very much without a plan…
I went through the whole layoff thing too, a year after I graduated from University. You are so right about the embarrassment factor. I was mortified and no matter how much the boss reassured me it was due to economics I couldn't help but feel like I had been fired. This had enough effect on me that I didn't work as an engineer for 4 years after that. I went and taught English in S Korea instead, which in itself was a huge life lesson for me and I wouldn't change that now for anything. I also recently changed jobs and what I learned from that was that, as cliched as it sounds, no door closes without another one opening. I made the decision to leave my old employer before I found a new job and in these economic times that was really scary. But again it all worked out for the best and I love my new job. I think as humans we tend to be scared of change instead of embracing the fact that the only way we grow is through change. That's what I take from it anyway
I’ll send you a newspaper column I wrote a few years ago that talked about losing a job. Always keep in mind that you are not your job and your job title doesn’t define who you are as a person.
Thanks so much, you guys. Your very kind words and support really mean a lot to me.
Being in IT, I’m no stranger to the pink slip myself. One time I was laid off just in time to attend the saddest office Christmas party ever. Since prank-calling the new regime is out of the question in this case, let me recommend a book called “We Got Fired!: . . . And It’s the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Us” by Harvey Mackay. It contains anecdotes from people who lost jobs like Muhammed Ali and Larry King.
In this day in age, to be working anywhere for a decade is a real gift. If you keep in touch with your former co-workers through facebook or linkedin, they’ll remain a valuable resource for the rest of your career. The skills you gained with your job remain with you and help you learn new ones. You’ll find that in the end, it’s all just business.
It is very hard when you identify a major part of who you are as a working women. To have that removed from your personal resume without your conset would make it anyone feel the way you do. But, who’s to say you can’t keep in contact with your co-workers. I met Leanne just before I got pregnant with Emma…so we only worked together for a little less than 9 months…but she is still one of my closest friends today. Before she was on her own mat leave I would take the kids to the office and her and I would go out for lunch still. I don’t know many of the people who haunt the hall of my old work anymore, and they certainly don’t recognise my face, but I still have friends there and I still love to hear all the juicy tales from the trenches…and am just so happy that I don’t have to be a part of them anymore.
I think that as you find your grove in this new adventure you will start to feel better about leaving the old one. It takes time. Grief and loss don’t heal overnight. Cut yourself some slack and keep reminding yourself just how wonderful you are and what an amazing adventure you will now embark on…remember, when God closes a door, he opens a window!
I don’t have any words of wisdom, but I think you have a great attitude about the whole thing, and that is definitely going to help you in the end. Good luck on your next venture!!
Maria @BOREDmommy
Its hard but I think you have a great attitude. Its important to remember that you are not your job (which is hard when you actually like your job) but also to be honest with yourself about the experience. If you had decided to leave would you feel the same way about the experience or the people. Try not to romanticize things. And also stay in touch with those people you really do like – the best thing I’ve ever taken from a job is a friendship!
That is kind of nice of the company (although I agree it was the least they could do) to give you an opportunity for good-byes and closure (I recognize the value of closure even though I’m really starting to loathe the word). It would have felt weird to just never see anyone again, since you were on leave when you got laid off. I have a terrible time with good-byes too (I think this is why I sometimes find myself staring late at night into the mournful eyes of a tiny plastic monster thinking STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT BECAUSE I REALLY WANT TO THROW YOU OUT INSTEAD OF STICKING YOU BACK INTO A BOX FULL OF TINY PLASTIC CRAP. But maybe that’s just me). You deserve a bit of wallowing time, if you want it.
Everyone above has such good advice. I’ll just second the one about getting connected to your former co-workers via LinkedIn or another application. Even if you want to change fields, it’s amazing what a wide network of friends will hear, so it’s nice to get that set up now.
I hope you feel some closure soon. Big changes can be so unsettling, especially when one didn’t initiate them.
That sounds rough. It is hard enough sometimes when we choose to end things, but harder when they are chosen for us. I used to have trouble with endings. Now I try to think of it as a beginning.
I am looking forward to seeing what you begin.
I think you feel particular sting because you had been there for so long yet had no say in when you decided to close the chapter. And for you to be laid off right after maternity leave? Here in the US, I wouldn’t be surprised if women sued over less.
I was laid off from one of my first jobs—at the time I was working for Ernst & Young (the huge accounting firm), and they closed my location less than 3 months after I took the job. I will never forget the coldness in which it was executed—we worked flextime, but we were told on Friday to report to work on Monday all at the same time “because the security system was being changed.” When we arrived, chairs were set up in the lobby of the building, and security banned us from entering the office. A couple mid-management types from New York had come down to give us the news. One employee stood up and said, “My wife is 7 months’ pregnant, and this is how you’re telling me I’m now unemployed?” The response: “Don’t go and jump off a bridge or anything, it’s not the end of the world.” The coldest, harshest words she could have uttered at that moment. Yet, somehow, she did have a point. I walked out the door with nothing but my purse and a guarantee of three month’s severance, and I took a temp job the very next day just to keep my mind occupied.
I think you have the right attitude though..make peace, and view this as an opportunity to take your life in a new direction. You will find a way to stay in touch with the people from your past who matter to you, and you’re being given a chance to join a new group of people that will become your “working family.” Some will fill voids, some will undoubtedly test your patience, and still others will bring you fresh perspectives. I wish you the best, and I look forward to reading your updates!