I was recently listening to a debate on CBC radio on the topic of whether parents should be allowed to spank their children. I have already made my thoughts on spanking clear. I don’t do it, and I don’t think it’s the best way to teach kids, but that’s not what this post is about. You see, as I was listening to the debate, at one point the two debaters came to an agreement around parenting classes. While they don’t see eye-to-eye on whether or not spanking is appropriate, they both agree that most parents can benefit from having some extra parenting tools in their arsenal.
Every parent knows that children don’t come with an instruction manual. Most of us are pretty much flying blind, doing our best to get through the day. We hope that in spite of the fact that we fail constantly, our children won’t be too damaged, and it will somehow all work out in the end. We rely on a hodge podge of tools, from medical advice to suggestions from friends and family to pure instinct. We might read some books, or turn to Google, in search of answers. But very few of us take classes.
Bringing my first baby home – I had no idea what I was doing
I tried to find numbers for how many people do take parenting classes, and I couldn’t. But based on anecdotal evidence I’d say the numbers are pretty low. I have never seriously considered it myself. I have, however, taken prenatal classes and breastfeeding classes and first aid classes and yoga classes. I’m no stranger to classes. And yet, while I’ve read a whole library of parenting books, it has never occurred to me to actually sign up for some lessons. My kids are okay, why would I have to?
It turns out there’s some pretty convincing evidence for the benefits of parenting classes. The research indicates that parent training can result in lower stress levels in parents. It also results in improved cognitive development in children, including an increase in child language, IQ, memory and attention. If so many of us feel at a loss, and there’s evidence that we can have less stress and our kids can be smarter, why don’t we take parenting classes?
In the hospital with my second baby – I had no idea what I was doing
I think there are a few big reasons we don’t sign up for training as parents:
- There’s a stigma in saying you need help with parenting
- We may feel that our kids are all right, so things must be fine as they are
- Classes mean time and expense
- Few of us have any idea which classes are good and which ones aren’t
The truth is that as controversial as the spanking debate I listened to was, telling parents that they should sign up for classes may be an even hotter topic. While I have been an avid reader of parenting books since my first child was born, not everyone takes the same approach. I know many parents who say that they prefer to rely on their own innate instincts. They feel that no book or class can possibly have inside info on their child, so the information is of limited value. And honestly, I can understand where they’re coming from. While I read the books, it’s very rare that I agree with every point an author makes. Kids are individuals, and there’s not single best way to parent them.
Last weekend with my kids – I still have no idea what I’m doing
In spite of the research around parenting classes, I’ll be honest and say that I’m not signing up for one myself – at least not yet. But I wonder if maybe they should be more widely offered to new parents. Many expectant parents take prenatal classes. I certainly did. There were a few minor points of newborn care covered in the curriculum, but by and large the focus was on labour and delivery. And yet, pregnancy only lasts nine (ish) months, while you’ll be parenting your child for years. Wouldn’t it make sense to shift the focus more towards what happens once the baby’s on the outside?
I wonder what you think. Do you think parenting classes should be recommended for all parents? Would you take them, knowing what the benefits are? Or do you think they’re just for parents who are obviously struggling? I’d love to hear your thoughts!
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It is unusual that there are skating lessons for adults everywhere, but parenting classes are not popular nor widely available. And I agree that there is stigma, but I don’t agree with stigma. Parenting book industry is huge one, yet going to face to face classes for same thing is almost non-existent. So we all feel like we want to know more about parenting, but just we keep that feeling strictly private. That spells prejudice to me.
In modern world, where very few of the parents have tightly integrated community or large extended families next door, having classes should be normal and expected the same way prenatal classes are. I am trying to find some classes, but they are:
- privately held (in translation: very expensive) – there are no “community” classes, only some professionals that make a living out of couple a classes a year (they are likely worth investment, but when it comes on choosing swimming practice for kids vs. parenting class, guess what wins)
- starting during workday (what, working parents don’t want to be better parents?)
- to far away (linked to the fact that since there is no great demand, supply is tiny too)
- poorly advertised (unlike books, which you can sift through Amazon at will, these classes are advertised in obscure local papers and very targeted publications – there is no unifying roster)
Us, parents, keeping our “insecurities” private is determining that market is small, and consequently, offerings are matching. If only 10% of parenting book revenues would go to parenting classes, we would all have much happier place.
Twitter: AmberStrocel
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You make some excellent points. We need to remove the stigma from reaching out for help, and better allocate our resources. If parenting classes are difficult to afford or attend, then parents who are truly struggling will have an even harder time getting the help they need.
Twitter: m2bb
says:
I wonder if it might have to do with simple lack of time–that is, when we realize, “hey, this is hard and I have no idea what I’m doing!” we are too busy being parents and trying to muddle through to take the time to go to a class. When we had the time (i.e. before the first baby arrived) well–so many of us were perfect parents then, right, and probably saw no need to take a class!
Here, we rarely left/leave our kids with anyone, and that’s partly choice and partly the fact there isn’t anyone close by that we trust, so both of us going to a class of any kind would be a challenge. At least a book can be read while the kids are sleeping (and put down again when they wake, yet again, in the night!)
Anyway, just a thought.
Twitter: AmberStrocel
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So true. I was the BEST parent before I had kids. If only I could remember all the answers now.
Having taken a class, I got the most value out of networking with other parents. I was a foster parent and that was crucial for me. Teqhnique wise, I got move from love & logic than I got from the parenting class I took….
Twitter: AmberStrocel
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If you consider prenatal classes, one of the big benefits that’s touted is actually meeting other expectant parents. Ditto for attending mom-and-baby groups, where meeting other moms is one of the big upsides listed. It makes sense to me that there would be parallels with parenting classes. I guess the question is whether that alone is enough to recommend them.
I think parenting classes would be a good temporary solution, but I think the bigger problem is our individualistic society. The whole concept of “mothering the mothers” seems to be a lost art. So, with that said, yes I think some form of “classes” would be beneficial, but I think the real solution is community.
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Twitter: AmberStrocel
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Excellent point. A lot of the articles I read said that parenting classes are especially important because we lack community. If we had better support networks in general, classes would likely be less necessary.
I have taken a class myself. My youngest daughter Hannah was what I affectionly refer to as ‘flighty’ as a toddler. During our weekly drop in parenting group when she was 3, I filled in a Social & Emotional questionaire and found out just how poorly Hannah scored. The coordinator of the drop in was able to direct Hannah and myself in the right direction – occupational therapy, hearing test. We got the help we needed. I got the help I needed. My daughter thrived because of it. And my older daughter benifited from my lessons too.
I think a lot of parents do take offence when our parenting skills are focused on. It’s intimidating and the last thing any parent wants, is to be deemed lacking.
I am far from perfect. I have spanked my kids. I didn’t enjoy it. They did’t really benifit from it although it was effective in the moment (for my children). It’s not somthing I have done in a very long time. I feel much more confident in my parenting skills. But, 7 years will do that I think.
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Twitter: AmberStrocel
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I absolutely agree that more parenting experience has made me more confident. And yet, kids still have a way of throwing curve balls.
I’m glad you found the help your daughter needed. I hope that more parents are able to do that.
i have given ‘community’ classes across Nova Scotia for anyone in the community interested in info and tips and strategies to support language development in preschool aged children (specifically bilingual and francophone language development).
They are almost always offered in the evening and typically are pretty well attended- i love them! I’d love to be able to give more honestly, but my job doesn’t allow enough time to be constantly offering night classes….
i do believe that there’s a lot to be said about offering extra tips, ideas, strategies that may be helpful for a whole variety of things that isn’t just common sense, or the ‘cookie cutter 1,2,3 magic’ approach you can read about in books. When worded that way: “Extra tips and strategies” it doesn’t necessarily put the emphasis on ‘parenting skills’, but focuses on the ‘extras’ a parent just may not have thought about.
I have lots of easy tips and ideas for language development that are easy to implement into your everyday routine and will provide ‘extra’ language richness on top of all the fabulous things parents are already doing….
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Twitter: AmberStrocel
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I agree, “Extra Tips and Strategies” is definitely a better wording. I think most parents would agree they could use those, even if they don’t think they need parenting classes.
Such a great topic! I tend to ask those who are going through it or those who have gone before for advice when I feel that I need it but really… I should be asking BEFORE I need it. Also being an adoptive parents, I tend to look for adoption support but forget that plain old parenting can be a challenge!
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Twitter: AmberStrocel
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But how to know what advice you need before you need it? This is always the issue I run into.
Interesting. We have a fair number of parenting classes for little kids where I live, at the northern end of Southern California. The local city college offers them through its continuing education department. They’re virtually free but variable in quality–*ahem* the one I went to had almost no informational component aside from babysign, but I keep hearing good things about the classes anyway, so I’m not sure if I got an unusually sucky teacher or if my expectations were just too high. I think a lot of people approach them mainly as social venues where any information is a bonus. On the other hand, Continuing Education also runs the four co-op preschools in town. Those have a mandatory class for parents every week, which covers early childhood development and interaction strategies. On the lighter weight side of things, the main mother-baby group in town is Postpartum Education for Parents. They give an afternoon Baby Basics class–we didn’t end up using much of anything from it, but it felt reassuring at the time–and their new baby groups have an informational speaker for the second hour, though that’s more likely to be teaching the basics of baby massage than talking about future discipline plans. It looks like the parenting classes dry up almost completely if your kid’s older than 5, but maybe I just don’t know where to look yet.
I’m in the co-op evening class now. I’ve heard good things about it, so I’m looking forward to getting past the orientation and basics, except that I also keep finding myself wanting to “win” the class by being the best parent or something. Which makes no sense. It’s jerky and inappropriate to compete on parenting, but put me in a classroom setting and suddenly I find myself striving for that A+. (No, the class isn’t actually graded.) I wonder if other people are also carrying baggage from their school days with them into classes, though, and if that affects how likely people are to participate in parenting classes in general.
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Twitter: AmberStrocel
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I totally carry baggage with me into any kind of class. I would definitely want to “win”. But what alarms me more now as a parent is actually when I carry my baggage into my kids’ classes. It definitely doesn’t belong there, AT ALL. I work really hard to remove it, but there’s some part of me that will always be an overachieving student.
Twitter: Hobo_Mama
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Your captions cracked me up. Same here.
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Twitter: TheParentVortex
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I think some of people’s resistance to going to parenting classes is similar to the resistance people feel about going for counselling or therapy. Nobody wants to hear from an expert just how wrong you’ve been all along, even if that’s not going to be what the experience would be like. But the fear is there.
Personally, I would love to take one of Gordon Neufeld’s courses, either online or in person. But the time and money are significant factors, and I feel like I am learning to parent more effectlively on my own, even though it’s sometimes a slow process.
Twitter: bluebirdmama
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Yes! I’ve been wanting to attend one of his workshops too.
I’m sure a significant factor in getting people to go to parenting classes would be the marketing, spinning it so it doesn’t seem like something court mandated, but more like a professional development workshop.
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Twitter: mothersofchange
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If there was a class offered that clearly had some AP principles to it, and especially addressed parenting older children as opposed to toddlers, I’d take it. I’d be leery of classes because I might think they would be too harsh or rigid or not have actual TOOLS to add to my toolbox.
I read your spanking post, and it was pretty good. You have strong feelings yet you manage not to judge people, which is cool. I find the debate interesting because it can get very polarized, and people get quite emotional about both ends. I think the more tools in your box, the merrier, and the more we can move away from spanking, the better.
The Strong Start program in BC was designed to impart early childhood parenting techniques and support to parents with young children (my aunt is on the board). I’ve found it a remarkable resource as a BC parent; I wish wish wish wishwishwishWISH it existed when my oldest two were toddlers, and I was flailing (and failing) bigtime. Programs like that help demonstrate parenting skills and tools, without being too didactic. That’s a good approach, I think. And, bonus! IT”S FREE!
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Twitter: AmberStrocel
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That free bit is critical – I can only imagine that far fewer people would take advantage of it if they had to pay.
Twitter: bluebirdmama
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My husband and I were just discussing this the other day: specifically the way childless people often say things like “there are some really bad parents out there. It should be mandatory to get a license/take a class before you can even have kids.” I’m sure I even said that once or twice, pre-kids. And I’ve never once said it since I had kids…because I realize now that no class could ever really help you know what you’re doing. Every kid is different, every family is different. So much about parenting is about the process, learning as you fumble along. Learning the hard way, right? You just have to experience it in order to really figure out what works, what doesn’t, and what about you needs to change too. It’s not a test you can study for and just spit out the answers.
That said, so often when I read parenting books, I find myself screaming “could we have some real world examples, practical techniques!?!? Please!?” Too often, I agree with the concept or theory but have no idea how to implement it when my 2.5 year old is screaming and kicking me and telling me I don’t love her because I gave her rice for dinner. So my feeling is that a class where you could ask specific questions and get very concrete examples of techniques to try, not like a prescription but just a toolbox, would be so helpful…but the caveat would be that it wouldn’t really be worth it until you’ve been in the trenches for a while. Like you’ve got a 5 year old, or more than 1 kid.
And lastly, in some ways I think that the best thing would be a parent support group, like LLL, so you could vent, brag, and share tips, peer-to-peer, but with a leader to keep you on topic.
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