Six months ago exactly I wrote about what it was like to be at home on maternity leave. At the time I expected that, by now, Jacob would be starting daycare and I would be preparing for my return to work.
It hasn’t worked out that way. I am now officially unemployed. And I am not looking for another job, at least not right now. I do aspire to become a paid writer, but so far I haven’t done much to make that happen. So for now I am … what exactly? I am a stay at home mom, that’s what. I can dance around it, but it amounts to the same thing. I am a mom, I am not employed, and I spend my time at home with my kids. I garden and I volunteer and I bake bread from scratch, and my husband goes to work every morning.
It’s a big shift for me, and honestly I never really thought I’d be here. I might have complained about work and found it cut into my loafing about time, but I also derived a significant portion of my identity from my career. I was an engineer. I was a professional, working in an area with very few women. When I talked about my job people were impressed, right away they knew that I was smart and educated and accomplished. Being an engineer said something about me, and I liked it.
I like being at home, most of the time. I like being able to be here to see all the ‘firsts’. I like going on walks with my kids and cooking and baking and spending the morning picking blueberries in our back yard. There is a lot of freedom in not having to sit at a desk for most of the day. If I want to pull Hannah out of preschool and go on an adventure I can. If there are errands to run I can run them. There are some definite upsides to the situation. I am not unsatisfied with where I am.
I do feel, though, that it carries a bit of a stigma. I imagine that the next time I meet a stranger who asks what I do I will feel a pause. The truth is, I think of myself as an unemployed engineer. I’m still not ready to give up the prestige of being an engineer, working or not. I’m not ready to embrace the place I’m in, admit that what I really am is an at home mom who aspires to write. I don’t want to admit to others that I want to do something as frivolous and wholly impractical as ditch a lucrative career for my ‘aspirations’. I could fail. They could see that. It makes the perfectionist in me ill if I think about it too much.
But you know what? Calling myself an ‘unemployed engineer’ is not productive. For one thing, it’s negative. The whole thing starts with ‘un’, which means it’s more about what I’m not than what I am. For another thing, how can I expect the support of my community if I don’t actually let people know what I want to do? But mostly I’m glad that I can spend this time at home. I don’t want to play into the way that parents and parenting are constantly devalued. I will embrace my at-home mom-ness enthusiastically, because it deserves my enthusiasm.
I think this is really the first step to changing my life and plotting a new course. Saying good-bye to the past and embracing what is. Until I know where I am, I can’t really plan where I’m going. So, here I am. I am Amber and I am a stay at home mom. I hope to one day be a writer, writing about parenting and finding balance. I might even pen some very exciting technical documents, should the opportunity arise. Because I was an engineer for almost a decade, you know, I’m just not anymore.
I can relate to your story, Amber! Well written!:)
Love it! I was a single working mom for many years before I married my husband, and I quit working the second I found out I was pregnant with our first (together). Yes, there is a stigma (like when they ask if I plan to go to school, and I say I already have a degree, I get, "Really?" then when I say it was in Math I get Really???), but I value every second I get to be home with them. Even when they are tough, or I feel trapped, or I am tired of people assuming who I am based on what I do, or I feel like I will scream if I have to clean that up one.more.time. I STILL am thankful to be home with my chidren, giving them what I could not give my oldest: 100% mother.
Amber, you are not alone. I am so encouraged to here so many of us are staying at home to raise our children. The first 6 years of a childs life shapes who they become. So continue to take pride in the everyday events. It is a privilege to stay at home. In fact I have YET to find a Mother who has regretted staying at home. I have however known several mothers who have grieved the loss of missing out on their childs life. I know if our children were old enough to understand they would say" Thank-you Mom for playing with me", "Thank-you Mom for teaching me", "Thank- yoiu Mom for loving me enough to stay at home."Like Celine Dion says, "I'm everything I am because you loved me." Amber, I have been told by many Mothers that before you know it, these days will be gone. Then we will have the rest of our lives to work. So let's continue to encourage one another in this journey that we have been blessed with.
Hey Amber, great blog. I understand COMPLETELY how you feel. Despite loving spending time with your kids, becoming a stay-at-home mom is a big personal adjustment to make, and if you're giving up a career, it does feel kind of like a loss of a part of your identity.I quit working after we got Miranda's diagnosis of her disability in 2007. I thought I would have to be off work permanently. Of course medical issues preoccupied me a lot, but I was also very surprised to discover how much I grieved my loss of identity as a professional person. Frankly, it was a big relief, and even joy, to me personally (that's just me; you may well be different) when I did return to work a few months later in a part-time capacity. I concluded that though I love my kids more than anything, I wasn't cut out to be a full-time, stay at home mother. I give a big 2 thumbs up to part-time work…I wish you the very best in sorting our your own situation.
Amber
You will always be an engineer. You will always be educated. Your children will benefit hugely from that. I know that you feel like you are something less because you are not employed as one. In our generation, we developed the attitude that a woman was not whole without an outside job in addition to raising children. Superwoman. I don’t know what we were thinking. Economics being what they were, both parents had to work a lot of the time.It was not a choice. You have the luxury of time with your children, time you will never get back. Your time as an employed engineer will come again if you want it. And time is on your side. Ted
Way to go! Its important, I think, to embrace life where it takes you, no matter what. Think of all the exciting things you can do, and places you can go! Being a SAHM is nothing to shrink from when talking in public. I think it is a challenge in today`s society where two incomes are necessary to live. The fact that you can do that, and make it work is a sign you are with it and together as a family!
Bully to people who think your brain is mush, you only listen to kids songs, and you cook and clean all day. *bzzzt*
And FTR, technical documents ARE very exciting.
I know, I write them for a living! Its a good way to make cash and be at home.
.-= caroline´s last post ..Fresh Carrots and Berries =-.
I was an engineer too…it’s so hard when you go to fill out a form somewhere and you have to put “homemaker” in the occupation column. EEEK.
I do like being home, though. It’s where I want to be right now. I try to just focus on that and not fret about the past or the future too much.
.-= Lynn´s last post ..Mrs. Yelly McYellerson =-.
i have been (and still am) a veterinary surgeon, doctor (PhD), scientist/researcher, small business entrepreneur but currently i’m mostly a SAHM. i still haven’t worked out what to put on forms or answer at dinner parties (wait a mo – what dinner parties?).
i find support for it in the most unexpected places. it’s frustrating cos i can’t step back into a normal career track if i still want to be around the house out of school hours. i worry about finances cos i can’t really contribute (although i do keep a tight rein on the budget). i worry that i’m a bit of a non-person thru not having external employment.
but
in all honesty though, the SAHM bit of my career is the most challenging so far and also the most rewarding.
am changing my middle name to Pollyanna – do you want to join me?
.-= ebbandflo´s last post ..oh death oh dear =-.
Such thoughful posts. Danielle, you touched my heart.(Well, you all did.)Yes , I was a stay-at-home mom for 8 years then did p/t, and, when it was time, back to f/t.. I don't regret a bit of it. The career stuff will work out…but those few years with young children are very precious, as many of you have said. So, yes, put the time in that you can with enthusiasm and thoughtfulness. Not all moms (or dads) can have this wonderful opportunity, especially single parents.Amber, your honesty and vulnerability will get you far in your writing career. But, even more importantly, it will create for you a circle of loyal friends who love you for being real. Your words impress me far more than any title could.Oh, and btw, if you want to watch people's eyes glaze over, tell them you're retired! xo
Thank you all for your kind comments and supportive words.And Marcy, your tidbit about retirement made me laugh out loud. Thank you so much, I needed that!
It’s funny, I was just thinking today about how much my children have changed me. I was such a career-driven person my whole life, but spending the last 6 months on mat leave have opened up a new world to me. I’m almost at that point where I’d rather not go back, when I thought I’d be embracing work with open arm instead.
I know that I will go back – we need to have both of our incomes to make things work – and maybe that’s what gives this time a bit of an extra glow. But I’ll be going back forever changed and I think that’s a good thing.
Many congratulations on your new job – you’ve worked hard for it and deserve it!
I’ve been a SAHM for almost 8 years now and I still don’t know what to say when people ask me what I “do”. I always want to say something witty but I usually say, “I’m a mum” and leave it at that.
.-= Family Nature´s last post ..From C-Sections to Twitter to Facebook to Hate Mail =-.
I was a SAHM and would go back to it in a second. I loved it. I love my job, I am good at it, but being a mom is what I am meant to be.
.-= Denise@TogetherWeSave´s last post ..Free Carmex =-.
I have a somewhat impressive title and job, but when people ask what I do I often say I’m unemployed or something to the affect of “lots of stuff”. You know why? I’m not my job. I’ll probably switch careers several times in my life (I already have, actually) and a simple title does not define who I am.
Enjoy it, Amber. Don’t think less of yourself or feel ashamed that you no longer have an impressive job title. You are there for your kids and get to enrich their lives in a way that working parents can’t. That alone should be worth more than anything.
I’d like to wholeheartedly agree with the statement ‘don’t think less of yourself or feel ashamed’ but I know it’s almost impossible not to at times. I do think female engineers are impressive, and I hate being one of the girls who can’t do math — my daughter seems to have an intuitive grasp and love of numbers, which thrills me. I am educated, and intelligent (at least I was before I had kids) and an interesting person, but when people ask ‘what do you do’, they generally mean what do you do outside the house and get paid for, and when I say ‘laundry, mostly’, I don’t always feel as breezy about it as I try to sound. I’ve had a couple of interesting jobs, but I never really managed to make a career, and I love being home with the kids. I consider myself incredibly fortunate to have had this time with them, to be bored and kooky and silly and instructive and there. That’s what I try to concentrate on when I feel like a useless drain on society. And I hardly ever bake bread from scratch, so you have that going for you, too.
.-= Allison´s last post ..**********Summertime, and the blogging is breezy. =-.
p.s,. is that YOUR Grampa commenting? What a great Grampa!
.-= Allison´s last post ..**********Summertime, and the blogging is breezy. =-.
I understand why you might be feeling this but don’t worry so much about what others are perceiving. What’s important is that right now your able to give your children more attention and nurturing. To them, you are the world.
Actually, you ARE a writer. You may not be paid for it right now, but you are a writer already.
In case you’re interested, you might check out Mir’s column about being a freelance writer at Work It, Mom. She’s written about finding work in past posts.
http://www.workitmom.com/bloggers/corneredoffice/
.-= Lady M´s last post ..On Your Mark =-.
I totally understand your feelings, I’ve lived with them, with that “un”, for my whole entire adult life. Having always done everything the wrong way around, (worked when my peers were in college, gone to college when they were persuing carreers, nursed my children when fellow anthropologists were doing field research, moved my family to the country to use sickle and hoe instead of discussing baby bach tapes …) I always had to excuse myself for what I was. It’s because of a whole idea of women’s role in society that I think has more to do with some bad results of feminism than with actual socioeconomics. I hope to be able to raise my daughter to feel proud of the choices she’ll make as a woman, disregarding the pressure society puts on us women.
Nice meeting an engineer and mom and an aspiring writer, Amber, you’re a woman with a very rich life.
.-= Francesca´s last post ..Sea gifts =-.
It’s so universal, I think, how we wish for a way to make whatever it is we’re doing sound more impressive than what it is, even if we’re doing just what we want to be doing. It doesn’t seem like enough, somehow, to be mothering and writing, or it seems frivolous or irresponsible or just plain boring.
I think the people who really matter will listen long enough to find out who you ARE instead of just “what you do” and those who don’t bother, don’t matter.
.-= Meagan Francis´s last post ..It’s OK to be a boring grown-up. =-.
Embracing your decision to stay home is magical. Because the girls are with me most of the time and have big ears now, I have worked very hard to not down play my role as their mom who stays at home. Never for a second do I not value my role in our house, their lives, or the role I support my husband with. Without me, this whole operation would collapse…of that I am completely aware. To those out there who just can’t seem to grasp just how hard and important being at home with your children is, I just let them be. I consider them just not as fortunate as I am to be able to stay home with my girls. Lucky you and I…we get all the magic of our children’s youth to carry with us forever. And, you and I both know just how smart, funny, talented, educated we are….and our children know it too – and they will be better people for having us raise them full time.
.-= Heather´s last post ..Donna’s Cafe =-.
tell ppl you're a domestic engineer !
You read my mind. I have been thinking about a post on the subject of becoming a stay at home mom but had yet to write it. Now I don’t have to because not only are you a writer but you are also a mind reader.
.-= Brie´s last post ..Thinking outside the park =-.
Good for you! I also made that decision literally 2 weeks before my return to work. Although, unlike you, I didn’t have a career really… but still
Haven’t regretted it since!
I understand what you mean about labelling it as an unemployed engineer. For me, the months and weeks leading up to my return to work were stressful and anxious. I knew it was in a little while, that I still had time – but there was this deadline looming in the distance, a “this shall end”. The second that I officially told my boss I wasn’t coming back, and let the daycare know… it was like a liberation. I was a SAHM. That’s it, and that’s all. I could free my mind from all the unfocused work thoughts, and just be with DD. The anxiety just melted away!
When I was on the plane coming back from Ireland in July, I had to write in Occupation on my custom form. I proudly wrote “Stay-at-home Mom”, and was almost beaming when I showed it to the guard. LOL I truly believe that this is what I want to do, where I should be, what’s best for my daughter, and am happy to embrace it fully!
)
(disclaimer: and by this, I don’t mean it’s best for EVERYONE. I’m talking about ME. Thank you.
.-= Johanne´s last post ..Win the Essential Guide to Breastfeeding =-.