It’s Thursday, and I’m Crafting my Life! This week I’m talking about the stories we tell ourselves about who we are. Maybe it’s something we heard when we were kids and took to heart. Or maybe it’s something that used to be true and isn’t anymore. Either way, sometimes these stories are just not helpful or relevant, and that’s what I’m going to address.
I recently did a few personal assessment exercises during my aborted employment counselling. I learned that I am not, in fact, an introvert. I have some social anxiety but on the whole I’m actually fairly outgoing. I also learned that I am more emotional than I thought, and that I place a high value on altruism and personal recognition. So, basically, I want to help people, but I also want them to praise my efforts, although compensation doesn’t matter that much to me. Also, I am maybe not quite as organized as I would like to believe.
This kind of threw me for a loop, finding out these things that some part of me probably knew but wasn’t willing to admit. I want to be around people, that gives me energy and helps me to get the ideas flowing. I want to engage in some kind of work that has a positive impact on the world, and I want that work to be visible and noticed. I do not want to spend my life hiding in a cubicle by myself, although I don’t particularly care about my work environment. And if I embrace who I am, instead of trying to pigeon-hole myself into being someone that I’m not, I’m happier and better at what I do.
If you’d asked me a year ago what I was like I would have said I was dependable, I picked up information quickly, and I was good at taking tests, managing money and solving technical problems. These are fine things. But today I would say that I am a good facilitator, public speaker and writer, that I am adept at helping other people solve their problems and that I can be brave when I need to be. I haven’t so much lost or gained anything, as I have re-framed it. But my second list feels like a better fit, and resonates more with what I want to do. I want to write and engage and facilitate and be brave. And realizing that I can do those things is good.
I am sure that I still tell myself many stories that aren’t true or helpful. After all, we perceive the world through the lens of our own experiences and beliefs, not from an objective and aloof distance. We are only human and we are all dealing with our own stuff, which colours our perspective. And we’re all very good at fitting the world into the box of our choosing, without even consciously realizing what we’re doing. I think the real trick, though, is slowly but surely learning to recognize which stories help us and which ones hurt us, and which ones are just plain silly. There is no better way to pull yourself out of a rut than to realize the rut never existed in the first place, except in your mind.
What about you? Have you ever had an epiphany, when you realized that something you’d long believed wasn’t really true? Or, do you have any sure-fire way to learn what you’re really good at it and what you honestly enjoy? Please share!
Well, mine isn’t as insightful and life-changing as yours. I used to think I didn’t like to play games because I had no competitive spirit. Then I realized that I just hate to lose.
.-= Allison´s last post ..*************No Green Christmases, Please =-.
I had one a few months ago. I’ve always thought I was lazy. It’s what I heard all the time as a kid, I’m too lazy. Nothing gets done. Still to this day, nothing gets done. Then I was talking to one of those cheesy “life coaches” that spam up twitter. It was actually a great convo, and i learned that I’m a perfectionist. I thought that meant someone who was perfect, turns out it can also be someone who never does anything because they are waiting for perfection. Can’t knit til I have the perfect needles, can’t clean without the perfect mop, can’t write without the perfect environment.
Congrats on the nomination for blogs to inspire! Love reading your posts every day!!!
.-= Rachel´s last post ..Ditching Disposables- Blog Event =-.
Fascinating post. This is giving me a lot of food for thought.
I’m guessing it might be common for bloggers to be extroverts who think they are or once were introverts. I think that is true of me. When I’m feeling shy or introverted, it’s not because that’s really me, it’s because I’m afraid of what people will think if I put myself “out there.”
I think I should do some of those assessment exercises too. I’m feeling, as you were/are, a little lost since losing my job this summer. I find myself telling people I’m out of a job instead of that I’m a stay-at-home mom, even though both are true.
.-= Recovering Procrastinator´s last post ..Board games for toddlers/preschoolers =-.
What a great post! I am also an extrovert who once thought of myself as an introvert. Turned out that my social anxiety was just making me a frustrated extrovert. This discovery led to a period of over-indulging in alcohol, as I found that it cut through my social anxiety and let what I thought was the “real” me shine through. It took a few years and a lot of confidence-boosting, but I’m finally able to be who I really am without that crutch (though I still do feel pretty overwhelmed and lost for about the first fifteen or twenty minutes after I arrive at a crowded party or other new social activity).
Anyway, I can relate to a lot of what you’ve said here. I would have once said I was detail-oriented–but I’m not, except for where punctuation is concerned. I’m much more of a big picture thinker. I’m not lazy like I once thought, but I do get overwhelmed unless I stay in perpetual motion. I’m still learning things about myself every day–one of the cool things about getting older, eh?
I’m jealous that they give you “employment counseling” and seem to take an interest in what it is you’re good at. I can’t even get my expensive-private-school counselors to help me figure out my path.
I have no idea what I think of myself any more. People think I’m outgoing, but I generally HATE being around people. People assume that because I was a musician onstage in front of thousands of people, and did television/radio/film, that must mean that I’m outgoing. But honestly, being a performer is an incredibly isolating position. You’re on stage, or behind a camera, and you’re not interacting with people. You’re performing for them and can’t even see them… big difference. Then, when the performance is over, you retreat to your quarters and hibernate with the few people who are in the same position as you who understand what it’s like.
So what I learned when I stopped playing music is that I’m not a people person, and I’m not good at interpersonal communications. And that’s about all I know about myself now.
Oh, and that I’m depressed. That I think I have really finally figured out. Yay me.
.-= TheFeministBreeder´s last post ..(Not So) Wordless Wednesday =-.
Good grief I think we wrote our self-assessment tests using each others answers. I won’t bother listing my characteristics but they are fairly similar to yours (although I really am an introvert that just happens to be good at faking being an extrovert if required.) My workplace was super gung-ho and having annual self-assessment tests. I don’t think I’ve ever been that surprised with the results of the tests though. I suppose that either means I know myself really well or I’ve taken so many tests that I just know how to answer them to get the same results.
.-= Marilyn´s last post ..West Coast Winter =-.
Ah yes, our internal life narratives. While I was in college I told myself I was meant to “be a career woman”. I was a enviro obsessed feminist among other fancy labels I gave myself and that was my story. No marriage and certainly no kids in the plan. Until I finally listened to what was secretly in my heart. I wanted kids…and I wanted to be a stay at home mom to boot. Oh the shame of admitting to the modern world that all I really wanted to do was be a mom! Until I became a mom…and then realized “Wait! I want a career too!” And so it goes…
.-= AmberDusick´s last post ..Thursday is Shopping Day. Creating a Weekly Rhythm. =-.
I don’t know. I’ve changed in many ways in the last several years, but I couldn’t say that there has been a real “epiphany”. It’s a bit like having a tool box, and having to use different tools from before, tools that where always there but never needed.
.-= Francesca´s last post ..A new stitch for a new necklace =-.
Very well said. while reading your blog I was like, yeah, right on, exactly!!
I found the link to your post on recovering procrastinators post and you are both fascinating ladies. And it’s so nice to see other folks saying what I’m thinking.
Still waiting for some epiphanies over here. Can totally identify with that lost feeling between taking care of kids and doing something else, whether it’s paid work, unpaid work, hobby, life’s passion or some combination. On the one hand I think taking care of my family and raising my children is really the most important thing, the most valuable thing to aspire to and on the other, I still have to carve space for myself. Feels like a tug-a-war when I want it to feel like a tango.
.-= Alison´s last post ..Wordless Books: Flotsam =-.
I am in the process of discovering my niche, so I have not quite had the chance to pigeon hole myself yet. I used to think that I would be good with paper shuffling jobs because I am super organized and detailed.
Wrong.
I found that all I needed was to surround myself with people who work hard at life, all the way knowing that life shouldn’t be taken seriously.
We never know when our day is done. When we are no longer a part of the growth spectrum, when the conversation about what I thought I was no longer pertains to ourselves.
So, I try to live my life surrounded by people who want to push the limits, always.
Great post. I am going to need to edit these thoughts in my mind all night!
.-= Lydia, Clueless Crafter´s last post ..Art Basel Miami Scene =-.
Amber, I found your site through The New Greener Family blog. I did have one of those kinds of startling personal revelations a few years back. I have always been a writer, and since I was a kid I wanted to be a novelist and have worked towards that end. But I also come from a broken home that threw me out on my own at a young age. I always kind of thought that wanting to be a writer made me the artsy, bohemian type and I wanted to be that. And in fact I married a man (a musician) that really is that type….but after many years of marriage to him I’ve come to realize that I am not that person at all. We were out one evening and during the course of a conversation I realized that writing, and being a novelist is NOT in fact the most important thing to me. I am not willing to sacrifice the ability to pay my bills and keep a comfortable roof over my head for art. This does not mean that I am a “sellout”. I love to write and continue to write, but realizing that I am more traditional and responsible at heart than I ever imagined myself to be was a comfort; it kind of took the pressure off. It made me a little more content with my day job, with having to have a day job, because I realize now that though it’s not my ideal life (staying home getting paid to write novels in my pajamas is my ideal life), ultimately having that job is “where I want to be” because it allows me to maintain the financial and domestic security that is so important to me and that I have worked so hard to achieve.
I’m happy to find your site and look forward to reading more.