Periodically, I am invited to speak to mom-and-baby groups about breastfeeding. I really enjoy going, and most of the time a lively and engaging discussion results, and the moms who are present share with and learn from each other. I think it’s fabulous. After all, parenting is something you learn on the job. While books and videos and the like can be useful, nothing beats talking it out with other parents in the trenches. It’s especially great if they have children around the same age, so they understand where you’re coming from, and they can remember how they dealt with whatever issue you’re currently encountering.

One of the concerns that always comes up when you get a bunch of new moms together is sleep. It’s totally understandable, because sleep-deprivation is issue number one for many (most? all?) parents of young infants. At some point, we all face a conflict between our need for sleep, and our baby’s desire to party hard, well into the wee hours of the morning. It turns out that newborns can be shockingly inconsiderate when it comes to other people’s desire for a little peace and quiet.

When I was a new mother myself, I read Our Babies, Ourselves by Meredith Small. The book examines how babies are raised in different societies, and how our cultural beliefs and values about children affect our parenting. One of the main things that I took away from the book is that everyone does this parenting thing differently, so I should feel free to follow my own instincts and do my own thing, provided that “my own thing” wasn’t harmful to my child. That point comes into play for me as I listen to parents discuss sleep. There simply isn’t a single right answer when it comes to how much sleep your baby needs at night or during the day or how much sleep you need or how to make it all work.

There are experts who would disagree with me, and lay out set sleep routines and standards based on a baby’s age. Many of these experts are quick to point out that poor infant sleep happens because parents are somehow creating bad habits, which means you’re responsible for your infant’s night-waking. They use terms like “human pacifier” and give dire warnings about the dangers of infant sleep deprivation. The bad habits message doesn’t end with sleep, either. We’re giving our toddlers bad eating habits, teaching our children bad study habits, and we’re creating a whining epidemic, too.

When you have a little baby, and you already feel out of your depth, it doesn’t take much to totally undermine your confidence as a parent. Having an expert tell you that your child has bad habits that will harm them and that it’s probably all your fault will almost certainly take the wind out of your sails. When I had my first child I had no idea what I was doing most of the time, and I felt like I was constantly making mistakes. I would have done pretty much anything that someone suggested to avoid messing up as a parent any more than I already felt I had.

I’m no longer the mother of a newborn, I’m the mother of a three-year-old and a six-year-old. I wouldn’t call myself a seasoned parent, exactly, but I’ve successfully made it through infancy and toddlerhood twice, and I know a thing or two. For instance, I know that if something isn’t working for you, you can always change it. When it comes to sleep, for instance, I have switched things up more times than I can count as my children have grown and their needs and abilities have evolved. I also know that every baby is different, and no two children will respond in exactly the same way to any particular parenting technique. And finally, I know that none of those experts have spent any time in my house, with my kids, navigating my day.

As I said, if you’re not happy with something, you can change it. If you’re so sleep-deprived you can’t see straight, then by all means you should find a solution that works for your family. But the problem I have with dire warnings about bad habits is that they can create fear in someone who was previously totally fine. And these warnings don’t always come from experts – sometimes they come from concerned relatives, or that friend with the miracle baby who somehow does everything right, or random people on the street who feel that you need their parenting wisdom. Once that grain of self-doubt is introduced though, you’re not so fine anymore.

I’ve said this before on this blog, but I think it bears repeating: if your child is healthy, and things are working for you, that’s all that matters. You don’t need to worry that how you respond to your two-month-old will create a lifetime of bad sleep habits. It’s simply not true. Your two-month-old will grow into a four-month-old and a four-year-old and a forty-year-old, and the issues you’re grappling with now will have long since disappeared. Your child will have grown out of their current habits – good, bad and otherwise – and into entirely new ones. And most of the time, this will happen without any input from you, because growing and changing is what kids do best.

When I hear the moms at the mom-and-baby-group beat themselves up because they’re afraid they’re creating bad habits in their children, I just want to give them a hug. And then I want to insist the phrase bad habits never be used in reference to babies and toddlers. New parents already have all the fear they need and more, we don’t need to pile it on even higher.

What do you think? Do you think that warning parents against instilling bad habits in their babies is helpful, or harmful? Do you think that very young babies can even form habits at all? And if you have more than one child, did you see them respond differently to your parenting tips and tricks? I’d love to hear!