I overheard one mom talking to another mom on the playground: “I think the books my daughter’s reading at school are too easy for her. I asked her teacher to give her harder ones, because I want her to be challenged. If she gets bored – game over.”

I understand this mom’s concerns. She wants to be sure that her child has access to reading material that interests and engages her. In response, she’s taking an active role in her daughter’s education and discussing it with her teacher. She’s doing her best for her child, and I think that’s great. But I also wonder – do kids really need to be challenged? And if they’re not, what then?

Right now we’re on day 11 of Christmas vacation. My six-year-old Hannah won’t be going back to school for another week. Now that Christmas is over and the flurry of activities and visits and gift openings is done, I can report that she is bored. She tells me as much countless times every day. Sometimes, I respond by engaging her in activities. This is a school holiday, and on one level I see it as an opportunity for us to spend time together. But other times, I have stuff to do – or I just plain need a breather. When that happens, I tell Hannah that boredom is character-building. At first, she whines in response, but usually within a few minutes she’s found something to entertain herself with.

I tend to think that a certain amount of boredom is good for kids. I think that the boredom I suffered as a child gave me skills that I use on a daily basis. Like, say, when I’m playing a game with my kids that totally bores me. I know how to buckle down and do things that aren’t that interesting or engaging to me. I know how to fill up my time when it’s not filled for me. And I know how to make my own fun. These are all things I learned during my own school vacations, when long days with nothing to do stretched before me.

I also had the experience of not being particularly challenged in school. I graduated first in my high school class of approximately 500 students, which is really just a pretentious way of saying that I was the smart kid. I usually finished my work before everyone else, and then I filled my time with quiet activities. If I was really lucky, I would get to go play on the class computer (when we had one, which wasn’t always – this was the 1980s, after all) or take something to the office. If I wasn’t so lucky, then I would look out the window or make up stories in my head. Was this time productive? I don’t know. But I do know that, once again, my boredom taught me some skills that I still use today.

There’s actually something of a debate amongst experts about the utility – or futility – of boredom. Some people say that gifted students need to be challenged more. If they’re not, the argument goes, they won’t reach their full academic potential. And to some degree, I can see their point. If a teacher has a class of 20 students, that teacher likely won’t be able to address their individual needs fully. This means that some students will be effectively held back by those who don’t catch on as quickly. Wouldn’t it be better if those smart kids had something more useful to do while they waited for everyone else to catch up?

I wonder, though, how far it’s really reasonable to go in terms of maximizing each student’s potential. I attended engineering school with some seriously smart folks. Some of them managed to graduate from high school one, two or even three years early. If a really gifted student is allowed to progress at their own pace, they may master all their high school material when they’re only 15 or 16 years old – and what then? Being an academic genius does not necessarily qualify you to navigate the world of post-secondary education, which is created for adults. I found the adjustment to be pretty huge even as an 18-year-old.

Of course, a world full of Doogie Howsers is not necessarily the outcome of challenging students appropriately. Giving gifted students access to enrichment programs can give them a little something extra, while they progress through school at the same rate as their peers. Ultimately, this is what I did. I took International Baccalaureate classes in high school. I was also a Girl Guide, I volunteered as a candy striper, I sang in a choir and I studied Tae Kwon Do. I found ways to fill my time and challenge myself, but that only came later, when I was a teenager. When I was my daughter’s age, I spent a fair bit of time being bored.

Some experts agree with my belief that boredom can be good for kids. They say that like all emotions – including anger, sadness and jealousy – boredom serves a purpose. And so when you’re faced with some unstructured time during a school vacation, you shouldn’t rush to fill it. Letting your kids figure it out for themselves helps them to develop emotionally and intellectually.

There’s one more idea that plays into the debate on challenging kids or letting them entertain themselves, and that’s the concept of flow state. Flow is that thing you experience when you’re totally present in an activity. You may not even notice that time’s passing, because you’re so engaged. In order to experience flow, you have to be appropriately challenged. This means that the task you’re working on shouldn’t be super-easy for you, but it also shouldn’t be super-hard. It should be just hard enough that you have to think about it a little. Video games are a good example of something that creates flow for most people, because as you master the game it gets progressively harder. If it’s designed well, you’ll always be in the perfect zone, and you won’t be bored or frustrated.

Good leisure (and probably good educational) activities actually are a little bit challenging, so that they create that flow state. But the question is – how do we get to those leisure activities? Do we just plop our kids down in front of video games, or send them to classes? Or, do we let them figure it out for themselves? I would argue that we probably should do a little bit of both. I think that sometimes, boredom is useful because it forces kids to try new things to entertain themselves. In the process, they may find activities that create that flow state for them. This is how Hannah found drawing. But I don’t think we should totally idealize the idea of unstructured time, either. There are benefits to exposing kids to new ideas and new experiences, too. I think the true challenge of parenting is determining just where that balance lies – at least until Christmas vacation is over.

What do you think – do you think kids need to be challenged more, or do you think that boredom is good? And how do you get that balance right? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

I got my ears pierced for the first time when I was four years old. I have a vague memory of being in the hair salon getting it done, but it’s all very hazy. What I do remember clearly is crying in preschooler agony each and every time my mother cleaned my ears in the days that followed. Before I had made it through the period when I was allowed to remove my earrings, one of them came out somehow at a family holiday party. We searched for it in vain. My mother tried to put one of her earrings in my ear, but I sobbed hysterically and she eventually gave up the ghost. She took out my other earring and the holes closed over shortly.

My sister, eager to show me up, had her ears pierced just one year after I did, when she was still three years old. She did not sob hysterically every time my mother cleaned her ears. She did not lose an earring at a holiday party. Her ears never closed over, not even once. She is such a piercing star, in fact, that she went on to have her bellybutton and her tongue pierced in her young adulthood. I don’t believe she has either piercing left, but it’s clear that this is one area where my kid sister has it all over me.

When I was 12, I had my ears pierced again. I was at the mall when I did it on a whim. My mom was there, because I think I needed her permission. I remember that piercing much more clearly. I remember the brief stab of pain, which was shocking but not altogether horrible. I remember that I did the after-care myself, and it wasn’t a big deal. I remember my love affair with earrings as a 13-year-old. The bigger the better, was my motto. While I don’t often wear earrings today, I still put in a pair often enough that my ears haven’t closed over (at least not completely).

Hannah strikes a pose outside the Claire’s

When my first child, Hannah, was a baby, I decided that I needed an ear-piercing policy. My own mother had our ears pierced when we were preschoolers, and for me it clearly wasn’t good timing. I know that some cultures pierce their daughter’s ears in infancy, with the idea that the babies can’t pull at their ears or otherwise interfere with the healing process. I know that other parents make their kids wait until their teens or beyond to have it done. I think either of those are fine, but neither was for me. Eventually, I decided to wait until my kids decided to have it done themselves. I remember thinking, “They’d probably have to be at least six to make that decision.”

Hannah is now six-and-a-half, and about a week ago she asked to have her ears pierced. We talked about it a lot. I explained that it would hurt, and that we’d have to take care of her ears for a long time after it was done. I told her she wouldn’t be able to take her earrings out at first, even to sleep. I let her sit with the whole thing for a couple of days, but she stuck to her decision: she wanted her ears pierced. This is how, last Friday afternoon, I found myself at Claire’s picking out earrings with my daughter.

Hannah falls in love with Claire’s

Up until last week, Hannah had never set foot in Claire’s before. Let me tell you, she fell hard the moment she walked in. A! Whole! Store! Filled! With! Sparkly! Things! Even as she sat in the chair waiting for her ears to be pierced, her eyes never stopped moving. She was nervous, and excited, and way overstimulated, but she also had her game face on. They got two people to do the piercing, so she could have both ears done at the same time, which reduced the agony considerably from where I stood. When she had it done she cried a little bit, until she caught sight of herself in a mirror. Oh, the sparkly ears! She loves them.

As for me, I was totally fine until after Hannah’s ears were pierced. Then I had a moment when I realized my daughter’s ears would never be the same again. My baby had been permanently altered, and I had paid for it, and she’s growing up so fast, and, and, and, and. Mostly, though, I’m happy that she’s happy. And let me tell you, she is happy. She stops random strangers on the street to show them her new earrings. She made a choice, and she carried it through, and in the process she grew up just a little bit in front of my very eyes. Oh, the bittersweet! You can see it for yourself here:

Do you have pierced ears? How old were you when you had it done, and what was it like? What about your kids – are their ears pierced, and how old were they when it happened? I’d love to hear your ear-piercing stories!