Repost – Mission: Piano Shelf

This is a re-post of a post I originally wrote on October 17, 2009. It shows then one-year-old Jacob engaged in some feats of climbing. This kid is still my climber, and has made my heart stop more times than I can count in the intervening two years. He’s just lucky he’s cute.

I realize I have been dedicating rather a lot of posts to Jacob’s latest feat of climbing. But, you know what? This is my life right now. I spend my days constantly fluctuating between being amazed and impressed by my toddler’s abilities, and being afraid for his very life. Plus, I do think he’s rather adorable, and so I can’t really resist sharing his photos with the internets.

So, on to Jacob’s latest feat of climbing. The other day I was sitting here in this very chair, probably spending some time on Twitter. Then I happened to glance to my right, and noticed that Jacob had made it to the top of the piano chair. He was in pursuit of the cat, who was shooting me looks that clearly said, “Will you please control that child?” Being the dedicated blogger attentive parent that I am, I of course reached for my camera and decided to see what would happen next. Here it is, as it happened:

Jacob made it up on to the piano chair

Hey, how'd that cat get up there?

One knee up

The other knee up

Nearing the cat

Standing on the shelf

I snatched Jacob down right after the last photo was taken, and folded up the piano chair. This is the advantage to not having obtained more permanent piano seating – the Costco folding chair is easily transformed into a non-toddler-climbable object. Jacob has tried to unfold the chair a few times, with no luck. Thank heavens for that. I also spent a few minutes tidying the toys, since as you can see the family room was not exactly blog-ready when my son began his little adventure. I hope that just makes you all feel better about your own domestic disaster zones.

[Aside: That alligator piano? We had to chuck it when Jacob pooped on the keyboard when he was two. Ah, memories!]

Here’s hoping for a peaceful weekend, free of toddler derring-do and other forms of mischief.

Do you have a climber on your hands? How do you sleep at night? I could use some tips and/or commiseration!

Photographic Evidence

For most of humanity’s history, photography did not exist. If you wanted to record an image, you had to do your best to re-create it through a sketch or painting. Most people had only their memories to carry snapshots of the past with them in the days, weeks, or decades after an event happened. We are not those people.

Today, we don’t only have photography, we have digital photography. On top of that, many of us have cameras with us at all times, thanks to our phones. In my youth, I had to buy film and pay for developing. Today, photos are virtually free, and I can take as many as I want. Of course, there is a limit to how many photos my phone or flash card can hold, but it’s so high as to be virtually infinite. I can document every little itch, sneeze and minor event to my heart’s content, and then just delete the images that I don’t like. I don’t have to spend a lot of time framing a shot, or calculate how many more pictures are left in my camera, I can just keep on snapping.

It’s funny how unfettered access to photography has changed the way I view the world. Even in my own life, I rely heavily on photos to remind me of who did what, and when. What did my children look like when they were babies? How old was Hannah when we went on vacation for the first time? What was the weather like on my wedding day? I don’t have to remember, I can just look at my vast photo library, stored on my computer and backed up regularly, and I have the answer.

Sometimes, though, the photos aren’t there. To my eternal sadness I accidentally deleted a number of photos from the day that Jacob was born. They’re gone forever, and I can’t get them back. Does this mean those moments didn’t happen? Of course not. But I don’t remember them as well, because I can’t look at the photos. Long after Jacob has grown, those missing photos will leave holes in my story of his arrival. Other lost images and missed photo ops leave similar holes all throughout my life. If I didn’t photograph it, the event fades in the unreliable ether of my memory, and it’s almost as if it never occurred.

This weekend, we went to Victoria. I know this, because I have the photos to prove it. Are these the best moments of the trip? I don’t know. But I do know that they are the ones I will remember, because they are recorded forever in computer memory, stored on my phone and somewhere out there in the vast internet. I can look at them and recall what things were like in the moment I took them, while all of the other moments may be lost. I’ve saved a few, though, and that’s what matters.

View from the ferry

Jacob doesn't like the wind on the ferry

Enjoying the wind on the ferry

The Legislature

Outside the Royal BC Museum

Woolly mammoth at the Royal BC Museum

Seal at Fisherman's Wharf

Outside Craigdarroch Castle

How do photos – or the lack of photos – change the way you view your life? And how has digital photography changed your photo-snapping habits? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

A Canadian Family: Blond and Metis

Yesterday, I talked about my experience filling out the 2011 Census last May. When faced with the task of listing my children’s ethnic origins, I wrote simply Canadian. This was in contrast to my efforts to actually list the countries that my own ancestors came from, and my husband’s classification as Metis. Today, I’m going to be talking about Jon’s ancestry – including the Metis bit – in a lot more detail.

While my ancestors arrived in North America in the very late 1800s and early 1900s, my husband’s family has much deeper roots on this continent. His paternal grandmother’s family first arrived in Canada aboard the Hector in 1773. The passengers on that ship landed in Pictou, Nova Scotia, which has been called the “birthplace of New Scotland” because they brought a culture that influenced the entire province. We visited the town in 2004 and saw a replica of the ship, and all that I can say is that things must have been pretty bad in Scotland for 200 people to cram aboard a vessel that size and flee.

Amber in front of the Hector Heritage Quay
Me, standing in front of a replica of the Hector in Pictou, Nova Scotia

The immigrants aboard the Hector were not the first of Jon’s family to arrive in North America, though – not by a long shot. Jon’s great-great-great-great-great-grandfather, Magnus Twatt left the Orkney Islands and moved to York Factory, in what was called Rupert’s Land, around the same time as his other ancestors set sail aboard the Hector. Magnus worked for the Hudson’s Bay Company, in a place with few other Europeans, and even fewer European women. He married a Cree woman named Margaret, and they had three children.

The descendents of Magnus Twatt married other Metis, so Jon undoubtedly has other First Nations ancestors. In fact, one of Magnus Twatt’s descendents actually founded the Sturgeon Lake First Nation in Saskatchewan. That wasn’t Jon’s branch of the family, though. Jon’s branch comes through Magnus’s daughter Elizabeth Twatt, who married Alexander Bremner. Their son Charles is Jon’s great-great-great-grandfather. Things get interesting when we start to look at Charles Bremner’s story.

The Metis people are a distinct people in Canada, who claim mixed First Nations heritage. Typically, their fathers were European, and their mothers were First Nations, like Magnus and Margaret. The children were in an interesting position, caught between two worlds. They were very successful in the fur trade, since they were familiar with the land and its inhabitants, but they weren’t always given the same rights as full-blooded Europeans. Their status wasn’t clear, and the government tried to take away their land, which was when Louis Riel emerged as a Metis leader, and conflict erupted.

Charles Bremner wasn’t a huge fan of Louis Riel, and in an effort to stay away from the strife around the Riel uprising he moved his family to Battleford, Saskatchewan. He didn’t escape unharmed, however. In 1885 the militia police took Charles and other Metis prisoner, and stole their furs and other possessions, even though they were non-participants in the conflict. Charles sued the government, and eventually received compensation in the form of $5000, but it came some years later, and the experience left him permanently scarred.

Charles Bremner’s grandson, Roderick Caplette, is Jon’s great-grandfather. He married a woman of Swiss ancestry, and they had five children who all grew up in the Battleford area. His family’s Metis ancestry is clear, and his cousins and siblings have applied for and received Metis status through multiple Metis groups. We were under the impression for some time that his was the last generation that would qualify for status. However, Jon’s cousin has a daughter, and his uncle decided to see if she could receive status as well, and it looks as if she can. If his cousin’s daughter can be considered Metis, then so can our children. Our very, very blond children.

Capping off the day with sno kones
The Metis members of my family, enjoying sno kones

We’ve decided we will likely pursue Metis status for our children. The reason is that Metis status can bring certain perks, most notably the possibility that Hannah and Jacob could have part of their post-secondary schooling paid for. They would still have to pay income tax and so on, but in exchange for the bad treatment their ancestors – including their great-great-great-great-grandfather Charles Bremner – received at the hands of their other ancestors, they may be eligible for some benefits. If they can receive those benefits, I would like for them to have the option of making that decision for themselves.

Knowing that I’ll likely be pursuing some kind of Metis recognition for my children, when I filled out Hannah’s school forms this year I ticked the Metis box, thereby informing them of my daughter’s aboriginal ancestry. This isn’t unique, by the way – Wikipedia says that up to 50% of Western Canadians have some aboriginal ancestry, which means they could be considered Metis if they can make a reasonable case on their behalf. However, since so few people self-identify as Metis, not many people tick the box. Since I did, I got a call from school asking if I wanted Hannah to participate in activities for children with First Nations heritage.

I haven’t fully investigated the activities at this point, so I don’t have a complete picture, but as I understand it children are pulled out of class for an hour or so, once every couple of weeks. They learn about their heritage and participate in cultural activities. I decided to ask Hannah what she thought, and she wants to go. Apparently another girl in her class attends, and so Hannah thinks it would be fun. I’ve seen the other girl, though, and she has obvious First Nations ancestry, unlike my kidlet.

I’m feeling torn. On the one hand, I would like my daughter to learn about her heritage, especially if she may receive some benefits by claiming that heritage. On the other hand, I feel vaguely ridiculous signing my extremely blond child up for special activities designed to connect First Nations children with their roots, when her First Nations ancestry lies in her dim and distant past. I’m honestly not sure what to do. I’m tempted to hold my decision until Hannah actually gets status, because I would feel even sillier if she’s been participating in classes when she doesn’t qualify as Metis.

It’s an interesting conundrum – a Canadian conundrum. Does one branch of your family trump another? How much Metis, Scottish, French, Chinese or German ancestry does one need to lay claim to that heritage? Does a blond-haired, blue-eyed white kid belong in a class dedicated to strengthening her ties to First Nations culture? I’m not sure there are any actual answers to any of those questions. What do you think?

Edited to add: The decision about what benefits of Metis citizenship – including educational grants – my children may take advantage of is not mine to make. By the time they make those decisions, they will be adults. As their mother, all that I can do is connect them to their community, and help ensure they are educated enough on the issues to make their own decisions. Who knows what the situation will be in 12 years’ time, when Hannah is ready to embark on her post-secondary schooling? I don’t. But being aware of the potential benefits that could come to my children, as well as the sense of identity and responsibilities that come with those benefits, I would like to help them make the connection now while they are still young.

Hair Ballad Love

I was 12 years old in 1988, which was arguably the high point of hair metal. You couldn’t turn on the radio without hearing Poison or Def Leppard or Bon Jovi. Their music rocked hard, their hair was big and their music videos were profane (if you believed what my elementary school principal had to say on the subject).

But the truth is, I was a very good girl. Or, at least, I really tried to be. Plus, my family didn’t have cable, so I didn’t even get MuchMusic, the Canadian answer to MTV. So while my classmates were rocking out to Guns N’ Roses, I was singing along to Tiffany. (I don’t care what they say, she could’ve been great.) I was just far too afraid of being “bad” to listen to music rooted in teenage rebellion.

Throw That Hair
Photo credit: Brett Neilson on Flickr

But as you know yourself if you were also around in the late 80s, hair bands had a softer side. They could croon with the best of them, and their hair ballads spoke to my angsty, romantically aspiring tweenage heart. As I sang along with “Patience“, I imagined that if only I was patient enough, that cute boy in my grade seven class would finally notice me and we would be carving our initials on trees. Except, not, because that might hurt the tree.

My husband, Jon, knows my love of hair ballads well. And so a few years ago he made me a mix CD with all of my favourites in one place. But at the time I was commuting, and I listened to talk radio while I drove, so it ended up lost in my glove compartment underneath the “Merry Christmas 2003″ mix CD I made myself.

Mix tape on CD from my husband
Jon made me a mix CD with all my favourite hair ballads

But last week I re-discovered it, and popped it in. And of course I couldn’t resist singing along, much to the horror of my 6-year-old daughter. Oh, how she complained and gnashed her teeth as I belted out “More Than Words“. (Fun fact – “More Than Words” was our song when I was first dating Jon in the early 90s.) But I refused to relent. I continued all the way through the CD, barely pausing long enough to breathe, while my daughter seethed. And then I informed her that the driver gets to pick the music.

I know this won’t be the end of it, though. My kids will come around to the hair ballad. All I need is just a little patience.

What music do you sing along to at the top of your lungs, just to mortify your children? And do you share my love of the hair ballad? Tell me all about it!

Haircuts I Have Known

In my earliest memory of having my hair cut, I’m in my kitchen, sitting on a chair that’s positioned on top of something to raise it higher. I’m wearing an improvised cape which consists of a garbage bag with holes ripped out for my head and arms to poke through. My mother is the hairdresser, and the experience is excruciating. She’s just giving me a quick trim, but it takes forever. Once it’s all over my bangs are super-short, because my just mom kept on trimming, trying to make it all even. And then for a week after she chases me around the house with scissors, snipping stray hairs.

When I was about four years old, I took the job into my own hands. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and thinking it would be easy to cut my bangs. I also remember how not easy it turned out to be, and how it earned me an immediate ticket to the garbage bag cape. I was sufficiently traumatized that I never attempted it again. My daughter Hannah, on the other hand, still occasionally cuts off little pieces of her own hair even after her own self-haircut-fiasco. I didn’t make her wear the garbage bag, maybe that’s why.

When I was about 10, my parents started seeing a hairdresser named Esther. She was short and had short red hair, and for years we followed her from salon to salon to salon. Even after my parent’s divorce, the whole clan still saw Esther, just separately now. She was a real stylist who took her craft seriously. She would wash your hair in the sink and then cut it and style it. She used product and gave me tips and had the world’s biggest curling iron, and I enjoyed the experience.

New hairdo, second pass
Hannah after my attempt to fix her self-inflicted cut

But in my teen years Esther moved to a bigger, fancier salon downtown, and my mother didn’t want to pay so much for haircuts anymore. So for a while I got my hair cut by a family friend in her kitchen. She’d been to hairdressing school but she wasn’t working in a salon, so she knew her stuff but she was much cheaper. There was no hair-washing or blow-drying, but it was fine.

When I moved away to university, I got my hair cut at the “no appointment necessary” place in the mall. They did a reasonably good job and the price was right. But then in second year my roommate decided to try a fancy salon downtown, and I went with her in the name of bonding. For a few years I went there, feeling very indulgent as I made the long trip on transit. But after a while I got tired of schlepping all that way without a car.

Mother-and-daughter haircuts
Mother-and-daughter haircuts

When another roommate started going to a salon in our neighbourhood, I decided to try them out. That’s where I met Lesa, and I sort of clicked with her. She was a few years older than me and just getting married. I ended up seeing her for years – through my wedding, two pregnancies of hers, and two of mine. I moved, and then she moved and opened up her own salon. But eventually, with two little kids it became difficult to find the two plus hours it took me to make the drive and get my hair cut, especially when Jacob was too small to be away from me for long.

I tried a couple of other salons in my neighbourhood, with no luck. At the first one “my” stylist kind of annoyed me, plus she hurt my head repeatedly when she brushed my hair. At the second I realized I was the youngest woman there by a good couple of decades. I ended up going 11 months between hair cuts until my friend invited me to a salon in her neighbourhood, and that was good, but Jacob cried for me while she held him and I didn’t want to subject her to that repeatedly.

Pre-haircut
My hair after going 11 months between cuts

This is how I found myself going with my daughter Hannah to the local Great Clips. It takes us about 45 minutes from the time we walk out our front door until the time we walk back in. Hannah loves the bonding experience, and I like that we don’t need an appointment. I can seize a moment that works, it’s cheap, and they do a fine job. After all, I am not in a stage in my life where I’m styling my hair to perfection every morning. I need something that can dry while I grocery shop and still look OK. Anything fussy is pointless.

Sometimes I worry that I’m doing that mom thing and not taking care of myself. It’s certainly true that as an adult woman at the fast and cheap salon I’m in the minority. But you know what? Hannah and I have created a ritual now. And because it’s easy I make it in for a cut a few times a year, which is far more often than I ever have since I had kids. It’s working for me.

I got my hair cut!
My hair after my most recent cut

From my start in the raised chair in my kitchen I have run the haircut gamut. I’m not sure what that means, really. Does it matter who cuts my hair, or where they do it? Could someone off the street pick out the people who spend a lot of money on a haircut from those who don’t? Do I deserve the indulgence of a high-end salon? I don’t know. But I do know that when my Hannah takes my hand, practically jumping with excitement as we head off to get our haircut, I don’t really care.

What’s your haircut history? How does the experience of having your hair cut change the way you feel about yourself and your hair? I’d love to hear!

PS – I’m still looking for your feedback. So please, take a moment to share the love and complete my reader survey. I’d really appreciate it!

20 Years Goes By in a Flash

Tomorrow will mark the 20th anniversary of the day that this boy named Jon asked me to be his girlfriend. We were in a park in Abbotsford, not far from the Jr. High where we were both grade 9 students. We were 14 years old – so, so young. Unbelievably young, really.

Jon kissed me in that park that day – my first real kiss from a boy. And, to this day, he’s the only boy I’ve ever really kissed. (Although Jon, ever so much more worldly, apparently kissed his grade 7 girlfriend. I’m still vaguely jealous.) And now, through some fluke of time, we find ourselves 20 years later, we’re still together. We’ve never been apart. Well, I mean, physically we’ve been apart. Sometimes Jon goes to work and stuff, and back in 1991 we lived in different houses with our own parents. Because, you know, we were 14. But we’ve never broken up, and never dated anyone else in all that time.

How does 20 years go by so fast? How did I end up here, today, married to that boy? I remember every step along the way, but it sure doesn’t feel like it was 20 years. 10, maybe. But surely not 20. And yet it was – I have the photographs to prove it.

Amber and Jon (with Jim Lind) in March '91
Back in 1991 with our friend Jim

Year-end dance in grade 10
Year-end dance in 1992

Amber and Jon, all dolled up for high school graduation
All dressed up for our high school prom in 1994

A summer day in 1996
A summer day in 1996

Amber and Jon at Harrison in '99
On a weekend get-away in 1999*

*Tip: When your girlfriend’s expecting you to propose anytime, and you’re all dressed up and seated in a fancy restaurant, instead of saying, “I forgot something in the car and I need to go get it,” say, “I forgot the camera in the car, I’ll be right back.” Unless, of course, you particularly enjoy the hairy eyeball when she decides this is it, and it turns out not to be it at all.

At our engagement party
At our engagement party in 2000

Amber graduating from university
Amber’s university graduation in 2000


Our wedding in 2001

Self-portrait in Peggy's Cove
Visiting Peggy’s Cove in 2004

Family of three
Welcoming baby Hannah in 2005

Our family
Jon’s brother’s wedding in 2008

Happy parents
Welcoming baby Jacob in 2008

Our family on Jacob's new bed
Our family in 2010

It turns out that 20 years is not so long at all. And it also turns out that sticking it out through thick and thin, when you’ve found the right person, is totally worth it. I can think of no one more right for me than my husband Jon. He is truly the very best person I know, and I’m so glad that I found him so early in life.

20 years ago I never could have imagined that day in the park marked the beginning of a journey that would bring me here. That we would weather so many changes together – learning how to drive, graduating from high school, starting first jobs, going away to university, marriage and cars and a mortgage and babies. 20 years has certainly brought us a lot of changes, and I can’t wait to see what happens in the next 20 years. To us!

Oh Happy Day

In less than a week my husband Jon and I will celebrate 20 years as a couple. When we started dating in 1991 I was a few days shy of my 15th birthday, and as Jon is a few months younger than me, he was just 14 years old. We were babies, and we never could have imagined that we would find ourselves here, today – married with children, two cars and a mortgage.

I’m sure our families couldn’t have imagined it, either. I remember the first time I met Jon’s youngest sibling, Christy. She was just 10 years old at the time, and she was discussing her upcoming dance recital with her mother. If I recall correctly, her number had a 1950s theme. She was, at the time, still very much a little girl. I’m not sure she was terribly interested in her older brother’s girlfriend, and I don’t think anyone could blame her.

But of course, children grow up. During the years I spent with Jon I watched Christy finish elementary school, and high school, and university. I saw her move away from home and chart her own course. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding, and she was at the hospital on the day my first child, Hannah, was born. We have come to share a certain amount of history, and our lives are now connected. And so I was overjoyed when she got married on Saturday and I was there to see it.

Hannah was the flower girl, and she performed her duties admirably. Jon was the master of ceremonies, and he performed his duties admirably, too. I had no duties at all, and that was cool with me. While Jacob visited my mother, I got to sit back and enjoy myself.

It was a really lovely day. I’d like to extend my congratulations to Christy and Steve, and offer my best wishes for a long and happy life together. I look forward to seeing what the next 20 years hold for them, now that they’re walking together. I hope they’re every bit as beautiful as the day that started it all was:

Hannah holds Christy's bouquet during the ceremony

Taking some photos after the ceremony

Bill signs the register

Chatting

Christy, Steve and Laurie

Sara helps Christy with her dress

Me and Hannah

Posing for a photo

I’m really terribly glad that my own wedding is long over, and I don’t have to do that again. But there’s still something amazing about a day when two people make that commitment to each other. Love and happiness overflowing until you can’t help but feel the joy. It fills me with hope, in the best way possible. Maybe because I didn’t have to write up the seating chart.

Care to share your own wedding stories? I’d love to hear!

Little Pieces

It’s funny how little things come back to you. Things you’d totally forgotten about, pieces of your past, that out of nowhere flit across the front of your consciousness. And then they pull you back, back, back, to a place that you haven’t been in … wow, really, has it been that long?


Swimming with a cast on, just one little piece of my life

Suddenly, I’m not standing in my kitchen anymore. Instead I’m …

… eating a freshly-picked orange from a tree in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. It is 1990 and I am 14, and it is the best piece of fruit I’ve ever eaten. It doesn’t even taste like an orange to my Canadian palate, trained on the grocery store variety.

… doing my eye exercises in my living room. I was supposed to do them every day when I was 7. My mother holds up a pen and I shift my gaze between its tip and a sticker on the wall when she tells me to. I am prone to double vision and can’t focus on objects close to my face, and the exercises are meant to correct the problem.

… riding in my friend’s Jeep on the freeway with the top down. I am 21 or 22, and I’ve never felt so free in my whole life as I do on this summer night, singing along with the music at the top of my lungs while the wind whips my hair everywhere.

… holding my newborn baby Hannah, watching her dreams flutter across her twitching eyelids. What can newborns possibly dream about? I wonder, and I smile as she smiles in her sleep. I don’t care if it really is only a random reflex, it’s the closest thing to a smile that I’ve seen yet.

… snorkeling in Hawaii on my honeymoon in 2001. I see a sea turtle, and so many fish and colourful coral. All I can hear is the sound of my breath in my ears, in and out through the snorkel gripped tightly in my mouth. It’s so peaceful, and I don’t really ever want to leave.

… sitting in my grade 8 French class in 1989. Mr. Dreamboat is right in front of me. He says something and his voice cracks, and I laugh. Then I instantly regret it. Did I offend Mr. Dreamboat? What will I do? Now he’ll never see that we were meant to be together!

… learning to play blackjack from my hospital roommate. It’s 1987 and I’m 11 years old. My right arm is in a cast and she has no feet, but she’s staring across my bed table from her wheelchair and taking all of the After Eights we’re playing for. They’re mine, a gift from my friend, but I’m having so much fun that I don’t care.

I don’t know why certain memories pop up at certain times. The human brain is a complex and mysterious thing, and it’s exceptionally good at making connections, even when there aren’t any apparent connections to make. I’m sure there’s some reason for it, but I’ll never know. All I do know is that I can see, as I’m transported across time and space without ever taking my bare feet off my sticky laminate flooring, how all these little pieces fit into my life somehow. Moments, big and small, that have made me who I am.

I am grateful for them. And I am grateful to dwell in them again, however briefly. Except maybe that one about Mr. Dreamboat. It’s amazing how 13-year-old embarrassment can cling for decades, long after any other feelings have disappeared.

What memories come to you when you least expect it? Share one (or more) with me, I’d love to hear!

The Things I Can’t Bear to Part With

I have been in serious de-cluttering mode since New Year’s. I’m gathering up all the stuff in my life that I don’t need and finding new homes for it. It feels good. It feels liberating. Every time I remove something from my life, I feel like a weight has been lifted from my consciousness.

If you’d asked me, I wouldn’t have said that having so much stuff affected me. I wouldn’t have thought that I devoted any time or mental energy to it. But I would have been wrong. Whether I’m aware of it or not, when I look around my house and see piles and clutter and old DVDs still in their wrapping, it affects me. When I cart around an old Girl Guide camp blanket and patches that I’ve been meaning to sew on to it for 20 years, it affects me. Somewhere, deep in my subconscious, I’m aware of it and it’s taking up space.

I’ve come to the realization that it’s time to clear out the things that I haul around for sentimental reasons, so that I have space to live my life today. I’ve been reading this fabulous book, The Not so Big Life by Sarah Susanka, and it showed me the light. So it’s out with the camp blanket and in with some breathing room.

Posing in the flower girl dress

This is all well and good, but it turns out there’s a limit to my ability to dispassionately divest myself of things that are no longer useful. And that limit starts and ends with my children. Do I need mementos of my babyhood littering my home? No, I don’t. Am I willing to part with mementos of Hannah and Jacob’s babyhoods? Not on your life.

I have boxes of baby clothes under my house, and bags with paper measuring tapes that have little marks on them showing my newborns’ lengths in my bedroom. I have hair clippings and newborn caps and teeny-tiny hospital bracelets and an envelope that I scribbled contraction times on. These things don’t add tangible value to my daily life, but I am keeping them.

Jacob has baskets and a pincushion

Here’s the thing – I don’t know how I ended up with an almost 6 year old and a 2 1/2 year old. I was here the whole time, but I still have no idea. It feels like it was just yesterday that Hannah was born. Or maybe last month, but certainly not 6 years ago. And Jacob! He is supposed to be my baby, and he’s not a baby anymore at all. His fierce, 2 1/2 year old independence is asserting itself more and more every day. So I hold on to the swimming lesson report cards and fingerprinted scribbles and 0-3 month onesies to help me remember how I got here. And to remind me that I wasn’t just imagining these babies, they were real.

Take the old clothes that I don’t wear and don’t fit me. Take the toys that don’t get played with and the rug we bought and never took out of the packaging. Take the diary I wrote when I was 7 years old and the books I didn’t even enjoy on the first read-through. But leave me the few pieces I have of my children’s infancy. They’re not weighing me down, I promise. They’re reminding me who I am, and where I was, and how far I’ve come along the way. How far we’ve all come.

Do you find it easier to de-clutter your stuff, or your kids’ stuff? And what items of your children’s infancy do you staunchly refuse to part with? I’d love to hear!

PS – Tomorrow is the last day to sign up for Crafting my Life. There’s still lots of time to get caught up, so if you want to get on board and live with intention this year, register today!

Blue Fleece Blanket

It’s cold out right now, especially by Vancouver standards. So tonight, I added a blue fleece blanket to Hannah’s bed. It’s dark blue – almost navy, but not quite. It was a wedding gift from Jon’s aunt, as I recall. Or maybe a bridal shower gift. It came in a hat box with purple flowers all over it. I still have the hat box – and the blanket. As I smoothed the blanket out on Hannah’s bed, I remembered a day very much like this, almost six years ago.

It was cold and clear. There was no snow on the ground, but it was icy and frosty and you had to walk carefully, especially if you were 7 1/2 months pregnant, which I was. On that day, which happened to be a Saturday, I woke up in the very early morning because my water broke. I thought I must be mistaken, though, because my due date was still six weeks away. It was too soon. But I couldn’t sleep, so I went downstairs to lie on the couch and watch TV. The furnace hadn’t turned on yet, because it was so early, so I wrapped the blue fleece blanket around myself.

I couldn’t rest, because I had to run upstairs every 20 minutes or so, as my amniotic fluid leaked out in gushes. Abandoned on the couch, the blanket waited, and I returned to it again and again, until I couldn’t ignore the signals anymore. I made the call, and then woke my husband and hastily packed a grocery bag with a few things. But not the things I actually needed, of course. I grabbed some towels, and wrapped myself (still wearing pajamas) in the blue fleece blanket for the ride to the hospital. I waddled into the emergency room with that blanket, as Jon parked the car.

The blanket was discarded someplace upon my arrival in the maternity ward. I don’t remember what happened to it next. I only remember, afterward, washing it. It looked clean, but I knew it had amniotic fluid on it, and it smelled of hospital. I hate that smell, and I had to get it out.

Later on, I discovered that an infection in that same amniotic fluid had triggered my early labour, and resulted in my daughter’s prematurity. The pathology report from my (or, I suppose, Hannah’s) placenta showed that. This blanket bore the signs of that. It probably harboured the very bacteria that my uterus had, at least for a time, splashed as it was with my uterine contents. But now, it is just another blanket.

I remember Hannah’s second year, when she would wake up at 6:00am and refuse to go back to sleep. I parked her on one end of the couch, with my feet on top of her so that she couldn’t wander off without my knowledge, and turned on Treehouse. Then I propped up my head on a cushion and wrapped the blue fleece blanket around myself and tried to sleep. I usually could, at least a little. Sleep deprivation does that, it lets you sleep in places and positions that you normally wouldn’t consider restful.

Today, the blanket is much more innocuous. It is not the spectator at a premature birth, or even a premature waking. It is just a way to keep warm. Really, I suppose that’s all it ever was. A way to keep warm, at a moment when I needed that. But now I will never be able to look at it that way. It is the Blue Fleece Blanket in my mind, and it always will be. Just as the lamp I made the night before Hannah was born is now Hannah’s lamp, and the bean salad that I ate and marveled at after Jacob’s birth will always be Jacob’s bean salad. Sometimes, life stamps an object, and changes it forever. Even if you’re the only one who can see it.

What objects are forever associated with momentous occasions in your mind? Can you ever use them without thinking of that occasion? I’d love to hear!

Related Posts with Thumbnails