I rarely see commercials anymore, because I rarely watch live TV anymore. The few shows that I do watch are all recorded on my PVR, and I skip over the commercials. I’m optimizing the time spent in front of the television by sticking to the good stuff. Sometimes I do see the occasional commercial, because I happen to be watching something live, or more likely my husband is watching a live sporting event and I’m in the room. In spite of the fact that I’m not completely up-to-speed on each and every commercial currently in rotation, when I do see one I can see that not much has changed.

There’s a particular world view that is portrayed in television commercials. In my 35 years on this planet I have seen enough commercials that I have absorbed this world view, sort of by osmosis. In the process, I’ve learned a few lessons about the way life works. Or, at least, the way it works in TV commercials.

Lessons Learned from TV Commercials

1. Bars are populated almost entirely by attractive young people, who all drink only one kind of alcoholic beverage. You’ll never see a person drinking Budweiser at a Coors bar – no way. You also won’t see neon signs for more than one kind of alcoholic beverage in the same bar, because that would be disloyal.

2. Women love yogurt. Seriously, we can’t get enough of it. I may personally only eat it occasionally, but I am clearly in the minority. Sarah Haskins would agree:

3. Menstrual fluid, in spite of what I may believe from personal experience, is actually blue. Every commercial shows it as such, so it must be true.

4. Women hang out in their underwear a lot, and their bra and panties always match. The fact that mine rarely do is clearly a serious personal defect. Also, the fact that when I’m chilling I prefer to wear pajama pants and an old cotton T-shirt is probably just plain weird.

5. Cleaning is really, really hard, and whatever you’re cleaning had better be absolutely filthy before you start. Also, while you’re scrubbing, you’ll have to pause often to blow a stray hair out of your eyes, which makes the whole thing even harder. Luckily, though, there’s a miracle product than can help.

6. The true measure of femininity is how smooth your legs are. Don’t let any feminists with hairy legs tell you anything different.

7. If you have an erection that lasts longer than four hours, you should seek medical attention. Also, taking erectile dysfunction medication probably improves your athletic performance. So you should totally ask your doctor if it’s right for you.

8. When your hair is really silky, it will move in slow motion. Seriously. It’s like a proven scientific fact.

9. Most women are a size zero. Men may come in many different shapes and sizes, but the ladies don’t seem to so much.

I’m not sure commercial-land is a place I’d want to live, now that I think about it. In any case, as I’m not a size zero and my bra and panties don’t match, I’m probably not allowed. I think I’ll just stay where I am, and eat something that isn’t yogurt.

What about you – what have you learned from TV commercials?