I have been talking a lot lately about the fact I was laid off. Or will be laid off in August. It has left me with a lot of emotional anguish. Who am I without that job? Is this a sign from the universe that something better is out there for me? Or is it just an unfortunate turn of events? Will we become destitute and homeless without my income?
I can’t shut up about it. Just like I thought I was the first woman to ever get married, or the first woman to ever give birth, apparently I also think I am the first woman to ever be laid off. I am engaged in some heavy navel-gazing and hang-wringing. I feel a little ill if I think about it too hard. I’m sure I’m not much fun to live with. And the reason that I feel this way is because I feel terrified of failure.
I have been forced into taking some sort of action. I need to do something. Go out and look for work, make contacts, take a class, submit an article. And the risk that comes with doing something, instead of just sitting back and hoping, is that I could fall on my face. I will probably face rejection. If I take another job I might not be super fabulous right out of the gate. And for a perfectionist like me there is nothing more scary than the possibility of failure.
The thing is that I know what I want to do. But I don’t want to say it. I don’t even want to say it to myself, let alone others. Because it might not work. It might be the worst idea I’ve ever hatched in my entire life. If I admit it, if I actively pursue it, I’ve opened myself to the possibility that I won’t succeed. Now, I know that if I don’t pursue it I definitely won’t succeed, but that feels different. I feel less vulnerable, less frightened, following the path of least resistance and hoping for the best.
So, what do I want to do? I want to write. I want to write. I want to write. I want to write about mothers finding balance. About maternity leave and work schedules and daydreams and daycare and all that stuff that we’re struggling with and can’t work out. I want to help myself find a different path, and I want to help others. I don’t really know how yet, or exactly what it will look like. I don’t know if I’m good enough or if I can ever expect to make a single red cent. But I want to do it.
Because, you see, this is what I love to do. If I’m honest with myself it’s what I’ve always loved to do, it’s part of me. I want to write it all down, every bit of it. I want to share stories and ideas, and I want to play with words and emotions. I want to do something that fills my spirit. And I want to do something that lets me work from home while my kids are small.
I started this blog six years ago, and didn’t take it really seriously. It was a place to share photos with family members. Then I went on my second maternity leave and I started blogging more to fill the time. To give me something to do, to exercise my brain. I chose to write about maternity leave, with the idea of documenting my own maternity leave. But my project veered off course. I’ve read about maternity leave around the world. I’ve learned how important it is. And I’ve spoken with you guys about my struggle to find balance.
And what I learned is that we’re all struggling. We are all working our fingers to the bone trying to get supper on the table and raise these kids and find a minute to ourselves. Some of us are working outside the home, some of us want to or don’t want to or don’t even know anymore. And what I hear is myself. I hear my own hopes and fears and daily struggles. So I am letting my guard down.
My current plan is to change up my writing a bit. I am working on a PDF guide to maternity leave in Canada. You will hear more about that in the weeks ahead. I plan to try submitting some magazine articles. And I’ve considered offering to write for some people I know, to build my portfolio and get experience. Maybe it will be the best thing I’ve ever done. Or maybe I will look back on this period with some embarrassment. But I’ve got to try. Opportunities like this, with my lay-off and my severance, don’t come along every day.
I am going to share my journey with you here. This place has been my refuge in the last few months, and I feel that I owe it my honesty. No matter how it ends up, I am letting my guard down. It feels terrifying and liberating. I hope you stick with me, because I just might need you. 
Good luck with all of this, Amber… I sincerely hope you'll be successful with your desired career path.After we got Miranda's FOP diagnosis, I took a few months leave from work. At first, I thought I wouldn't be able to return to work at all. I was really, really surprised how distressing that thought actually was! Laying aside the medical stuff around Miranda, which is a whole other ball game, I personally felt like I had had a fundamental shift in my identity, and not in a good way. I was hugely relieved when I came up with a plan to allow me to continue practicing law.My point with this is that sometimes these kinds of events reveal interesting and valuable things to us about ourselves… And it sounds to me like you're having that kind of epiphany.So as I said before, the very best of luck to you!
Wow, Amber. I'd say you are already writing! I really believe you can do this. After my kids finished being so little (I hadn't actually taken maternity leave, I don't think. Just quit work), and I wondered what to do, I went through lots of similar agonies. Went through several years of doing volunteer work. When that wasn't enough, I was told in many different ways: "do what you love, the money will follow". In the end, I sort of did what I loved doing – all that designing, sewing, etc, and was very fulfilled. Certainly didn't become rich doing it, but did earn some money. Then eventually, things change again. Nothing stays forever, which is a comforting thought when things are bad, a bit scary when they are going really well.So, the very best to you. Not sure you need "luck" exactly, as you write so well, and thoughtfully, although the luck certainly couldn't hurt!
Amber, I wish you all the best in this new phase of life. Through doing, answers will come to you fast and furious. Your passion sounds clear, I really look forward to reading what you come up with! The handbook idea is an excellent one.
Amber, I echo everyone's thoughts. I took some leaps "into the abyss" and, after overcoming a lot of fear, found my bliss being an education and training consultant, which was a fancy term for piecing together all the stuff I did well and still wanted to do. (And I made a good living from it.) And, yes, it seemed like a long process . As an Employment Counsellor, I learned that there are no guarantees for job security…ever. The security lies within yourself , in doing the necessary introspection (hard work, plain and simple), laying some groundwork and then…leaping. Or you could do little steps, too, but I'm a leaper!You have been practising your writing craft for some time, have a wonderful, original way of expressing yourself, are organized and you have lots of creative ideas. You will land on the other side. I'm rooting for you.As to losing one's identity, ask those of us who had great careers and then retired. Now that's another story, but a good one!
Oh, and you need support..lots of it. So close your ears to those who never had the courage to do what they wanted. Hang out and listen to the riskers and those who want you to win….like this little group!
I am cheering you on !
Go for it!
Yay Amber! Saying it out loud is the first step (other than all the great writing you’ve done here already that is!) I think your writing is great.
you go girl!
i look forward to hearing about the steps you take (and maybe i’ll share some of mine (slated to start once the wee guy hits Grade 1)
one other hint for volunteer writing experience – citysoup has spots available for non-fiction content writers for the website. i’m still feeling my around submitting there, it’s a small group but they are intending to network more freqently.
Good luck. This is a great time to try something different, and you’re right. If you don’t try, you’ll never know.
Yay! What a great idea!
I am racking my brain trying to think if there is any help I can send your way……… I have a writer friend, and a writer neighbour… I will ask if they have any advice on how to forge ahead.
i wonder if literary mama would be interested in a column on mat leave
And you already are writing about maternity leave and work-life balance, and doing it well. It’s not like you’ve suddenly decided you want to do Balinese shadow puppetry or take the concern kettle drum world by storm. I know networking is hard, but you’re headed in the right direction already. I don’t see you falling on your face (other than literally, tripping over your kids’ toys on the way to the computer). Cheers to you.
Best post ever Amber. I’m so excited about your journey to follow your dream. Remember, you are not going to do it alone, I will be with you and supporting you every step of the way.
All my love!
Jon
Aw! I want to give Jon a hug for being such a supportive husband. I remember my husband (then fiance) doing the same thing when I was student teaching.
I wish you happiness and good luck!
Thank you so much everyone for your very kind & supportive words. They mean so very much to me. I'm very lucky to have you guys. Facebook rocks!And Marcy, I can't even begin to think about retirement right now! But I can imagine that's a whole other thing altogether.
Hooray! Naming your passion is half the battle! Have you ever read/done The Artist’s Way? I think you might find it incredibly rewarding and helpful in a planning kind of way. Whenever I need to change creative directions I turn back to it so it might be worth checking out! Good luck!
How exciting! Good luck!
(Also, just discovered your blog the other day… which is why you’ve never seen me commenting before.)
Hmmm. Let’s see… a) you want to do it, b) you clearly have the brains and talent, so all that’s missing is… c) doing it! Good luck, and congrats in advance on your new career
do it! jump in and take the chance. If you don’t try,you’ll always ask “what if”. It’s great that you’ve identified what you want to do, since it takes so many of us years to figure it out.
good luck!!
Congratulations for saying what you want to do! And trying to do it! That is very brave.
I am thinking, like you are, of what to do next. But I don’t think I am as brave as you. Not yet anyway.
I look forward to seeing what happens next.
You'll do awesome! Your posts always bring a smile or laugh, or new info…I love reading what you write
this is so awesome! it’s brave and exciting and scary and cool…and inspiring, really inspiring. can’t wait to see what comes next!
You rock, Amber! As a bona fide member of the Baby Boomers, I revelled in plowing new territory in terms of parenting, working, sistering and changing the world. But it required the kind of strength and vulnerability you show in your posts and blogs.
And, oh, I was so often bone weary with all of the balls I felt I was juggling. But it was so worth it. (And my adult children actually think they had a great childhood…thank goodness! Who knew?)
I love it that you are in a different generation from me and that you are still exploring and creating new ways of being. Your strength is in your unwillingness to settle. You and Jon and your darling children mirror my family, only in a wonderful new context. I so admire you.
I can’t wait to see what you do next. I know I will be proud to say I know you.
xo
Amber,
Follow your heart, and your dreams!!! I truly wish you the best with this big leap!!
~Michelle
I am so proud of you. So many people have dreams but yet never take the action to achieve them. Your fears are normal, but I’m confident you will succeed in your passions.
I wish you luck and will celebrate your successes and be hear to read about journey every step of the way.
Good luck, Amber. Do what you love and the money will follow. I think you have a talent and passion for it.