I like to think of myself as an easy-going parent. I’m not sure if it’s always true, but I try. I believe that as parents we need to keep our kids safe and teach them manners, but we don’t necessarily need to intervene constantly. Since my daughter Hannah was born 5 years ago, my experiences have mostly confirmed that belief. She learned to walk and talk and use the toilet basically on her own, and I had very little to do with it.
My son Jacob is 19 months old now and he is also figuring things out at his own pace and under his own steam. Again, I see that while my role is important, it’s mostly up to him. Usually, the best thing I can do is trust my kid to learn and grow as he needs to.
My babies
Of course, there are areas where I do actively intervene. When Jacob runs towards the street I run after him. In spite of his arching and angling I don’t let him walk in parking lots. And when Hannah hides in a store clothing rack I enforce hand-holding so that I know where she is. Both of my children need to be buckled into carseats in the car. These decisions are the no-brainers.
Few parenting issues are so clear. It’s not always obvious what is and isn’t worth getting worked up over. I know for sure that I don’t want to be constantly nagging my kids and micro-managing their lives. But I also know that I need to attend to their needs and my own, too. I might be easy-going, but that doesn’t mean that I can just sit back and watch all the time.
Mixed reactions to tasting chives
Most parenting falls into the in-between area, where no one’s life is at stake but your sanity just may be. Like when your kid wants to bring 3 stuffed animals to the park. But eventually that kid is going to lose interest in the stuffed animals, and you’ll to be left holding them. Only you won’t be able to, because you’ll be holding the other kid who skinned his knee. So you’re in your entryway, deciding if you want to have an argument now or an argument later, when the kid doesn’t want to deal with the stuffed animals and runs off in an effort to declare her autonomy when you say she has to.
I don’t want to spend my life engaged in stalemates over stuffed animals.
Running out of parental steam
These are the questions I rarely see answered in parenting books. They all say pick your battles, but they don’t all acknowledge that sometimes you are engaged in so many little battles at once that you can’t see straight. And sometimes, you cannot for the life of you deal with the inevitable fallout of a trivial decision and so you arbitrarily say no.
I love my kids, and I believe in them. I know that they are going to be OK if I’m not always consistent and I don’t have all the answers. I’ll seek answers anyway, and I’ll try to be easygoing, even if I don’t always know how to. Until I figure it out you’ll be able to spot me, because I’ll be the mom at the park holding a crying toddler and 3 stuffed animals.
So true Amber, so true. I haven’t yet figured out with my three year old what is going to push her over the edge, it doesn’t seem consistent. If only my preschooler could be consistent. Well, at least consistently happy.
ps. excited about the new website reveal.
.-= growfamilygrow´s last post ..Knit Power and Hello, Cupcake Book Giveaway =-.
Yet further proof that STUFFED ANIMALS ARE EVIL.
I’ve been known to say pick your battles on more than one occasion. Because sometimes all of it, any of it, it’s just not worth it.
.-= C @ Kid Things´s last post ..Zoo =-.
My son travels everywhere with his two bears (who are the exact same bear, one was a spare but has now been incorporated into the entourage). I mean everywhere! I’ve given up the battle of taking them everywhere and now save it for when I actually have to pry them out of his arms to wash.
.-= themombshell´s last post ..potty training just might kill me =-.
Picking your battles is hard for me, and I don’t know if part of it is that I’m an Aries and my son is a Scorpio. But I do what I can to let my son grow at his pace and run at his speed. I also don’t like him playing with the trash can but when I see him trying to throw away his paper plate, I feel like I should let him. But then I debate in my head that it may give him mixed signals and that he’ll want to put everything in the trash. Yes, picking my battles can be hard.
.-= Sara´s last post ..Waste Less Wednesday–In Bullk =-.
Wee Guy lives with us, he shares the house with two other people = he has to learn how to share that living space with two other people (plus cat, guinea pigs) therefore I enforce rules that make sharing living space easier.
hmmm
doesn’t always work out but those are the battles i will fight and they are therefore clear(ish) in my head. he has his boundaries.
and the park/stuffies question – if you want it, you carry it to and from the park. limit = one toy though that has now been lifted to what he can put in an old shoulder bag… and i’ve limited it to toys i don’t mind losing so i can enforce the “if you’re not going to carry it then it just gets left behind” rule (cruel i know but in the long term so much easier)
i don’t have time during my midlife crisis for the vagaries of parenting!
.-= pomomama aka ebbandflo´s last post ..Friday forte: the old edition =-.
“hey all say pick your battles, but they don’t all acknowledge that sometimes you are engaged in so many little battles at once that you can’t see straight.”
Exactly. And I wonder if every single parenting advice book wasn’t written by someone with either ONE easy going child, or children realllly far apart. Try having 2 under 3 and telling me this can all be figured out with a book.
Did you see that Dr. Sears says age 3 is the easiest age? That’s just proof that the guy was smoking too many doobies while writing that stuff.
.-= TheFeministBreeder´s last post ..March 2010: In Case You Missed It =-.
Sigh…so you didn’t have a secret camera watching me? Cause that whole post sounds remarkably like a day in the life
Somedays I want to pile up all the stuffies in a bag and hide them. We are ALWAYS arguing about bringing “buddies” along
I think the “choose your battles” advice is good advice and agree that the little ones can easily overwhealm us with requests. I joke with friends that my kids are on a mission to keep me busy. I’ve been getting better at simply saying “no” and leaving it at that. No explanation needed, because I said so. For example, I will not leave my dinner plate after spending an hour cooking to refill glasses of milk. However, on the days I don’t feel like a battle, I have been known to carry around bags of children’s toys also.
.-= Tanya´s last post .. =-.
yeah the freaky outfits my daughter picks..I just let her go with it. The multiple toys to the park..yah..NOOO.
But you get so overwhelmed with ALL THE NEGOTIATING!!!
.-= Crunchy´s last post ..Thoughts During Earth Hour 2010 =-.
Pomomama’s exactly right; same advice I’d have given, “If you want to bring it, YOU have to carry it”.
You write so well of the struggles of early motherhood. Chin up, dearie – it DOES get better. Until you 19 yr. old gets pregnant out of wedlock by a guy who’s not divorced yet. SIGH…
.-= Trece´s last post ..Will this count for Eternity? =-.
Okay, focus on commenting rather than going immediately to Trece’s site and trying to figure out if she was serious (yikes!). I’m a big believer in picking your battles, but I know what you’re saying — sometimes they all come at you so fast you don’t really have time to pick. And while I love the concept of babywearing, I loved my big off-roading stroller for trips to the park etc. because off all the crap I could chuck into the carrying basket underneath (water, sunscreen, jackets, snacks, necessary stuffed animals…)
.-= Allison McCaskill´s last post ..*****************Contemplative de-cluttering =-.
Pick your battles huh? I’m honestly not the best at picking them. Either I’m super militant or super lenient. It’s just so darn tiring. At least my kids have never pushed me on the what toys go outside rule. They know that some toys are just for in the house or in the car. Stuffies fall into that category. I’m sure that this rule, along with all the others, will be challenged one day too.
.-= Marilyn @ A Lot of Loves´s last post ..Sidewalk Chalk: Wednesday of Few Words =-.
Ha! It’s true, sometimes even just deciding which battles to pick is exhausting. Kids are incredibly incessant.
When my daughter wants to bring toys out with her I remind her that if we bring them she has to share them with EVERYONE and that means they might get lost or broken. Usually that convinces her to leave them home.
.-= michelle´s last post ..Works for Me Wednesday: To Shampoo or Not to Shampoo =-.
My daughter is actually totally OK with sharing. Which is good, but I’m afraid that this wouldn’t work for her. Believe me, I have totally tried it!
I too subscribe to the Pick-Your-Battles theory of parenting. I’m having less success (today at least) teaching my 5yo daughter to choose her own battles, as it seems everything is worth battling about (mostly with her twin). Again, hopefully it’s a today thing…part of Spring Breakdown.
.-= Ironic Mom´s last post ..Manipulation 101: The Illusion of Choice as a Disciplinary Technique =-.
Oh yeah- I know this. And I’m pretty comfy understanding that I probably won’t ever have it figured out (but that doesn’t mean I won’t keep trying.
)
Steph
I wish I were more easy-going, but I’m not.
I’ve been practicing the “you carry it” strategy on things that I truly don’t mind losing. For example, the little dude wanted kettle corn (a big bag!) to take home on one of our outings, and I said, “Ok, but you have to carry it.” As expected, he got bored and wanted to hand it over after two minutes, but I said we’d throw it away if he didn’t want to hold it. He quickly changed his mind and held it all the way to the car. Small steps, as I’m accustomed to being the pack mule for everyone.
.-= Lady M´s last post ..What a Difference a Year Makes =-.
Wow, Amber, this is a very new look and site today! I didn’t anticipate so many changes! I’m so impressed. I envy the navigation bar, I was unable to add one (one that looked decent). The changes though totally distracted me from your post … all I can say is that we are in the process of radically changing battles as our kids grow, and so many issues become their own to figure out. Which is the real test for a parent: will they be able to figure things out right? I really like the chives tasting photo:)
.-= Francesca´s last post ..Borders =-.
i suck at picking my battles. i think it’s because i am so inconsistent. one day i will stand firm on no stuffies outside of the house and the next day i am loading them in the stroller because i don’t have the energy to fight the bean. i guess the rules should say fight the battles when you have the energy and resolve to win them. otherwise, don’t got squirly over a couple of stuffies.
ps – the new blog design looks great.
.-= smothermother´s last post ..Paying it forward… =-.
Hello – found my way here through the Vancouver Mom’s contest. Loving your site and writing style! I really resonated with this post in particular (my youngest is 18 months). Oh, boy, did it ever resonate! Let me know when you figure it out. You’ll make millions!
Victoria often wants to bring an entourage of stuffed buddies with her when we go to school.Instead of arguing with her, I let her take as many as will fit in her SkookumBaby bag. In a lot of ways I feel bad telling her what she can and can’t do (if what she wants won’t hurt anyone) because I imagine somone three times my size telling me what I can and can’t do, and I don’t like the feeling so I don’t want it for my daughter either. But, there are some days when I feel like my sanity is going to fly out the window….sometimes I lose my cool, but most times I bring my little destroyer-of-sanity close and give her a hug and tell her I love her because I know that no matter how stressed out I can get, there will come a time when I’d get everything to have these moments back again.
I find these ages hard because they are both trying to figure out what is and isn’t acceptable. What they can and can’t get away with. So I feel like I am stepping in a lot. But I know it won’t last forever.
.-= Capital Mom´s last post ..The cookie =-.