Sometimes at night I go in and check on my 5-year-old Hannah while she sleeps. I do it because I’m a mom, and I want to make sure my kids are all right. I replace blankets and close blinds that magically came open while she was supposed to be sleeping. I once asked her how that happened, and she said she’s wishing on a star for good dreams. And then she has to keep looking at the star to make her wish to come true.
There are times when I check on Hannah because we’ve had a bad day, and I need to see her peacefully resting. She looks so young, I can see the baby she was on her face as dreams flicker underneath her closed eyelids. I see that, even if I wasn’t at my parenting best, she is OK. She is safe in her bed and I whisper words that may not penetrate her subconscious, but make me feel better. I’m sorry, Baby. I love you. I will always love you. I promise to do better tomorrow.
1-year-old Hannah napping
Once in a while, as I move my little dreamer from some odd perch she’s assumed she grabs hold of me in her sleep. Her grip is tight and strong as she clings to me for dear life. I picture some ancient primate mother carrying her sleeping baby through the treetops on her back, the baby never letting go even for a moment. And I cling back, because this sort of thing is rare these days. I don’t get to hold my sleeping baby all that often anymore – not this baby, anyway.
I wish I knew the things I know now when Hannah was younger and I just wanted to put her down for 20 minutes. Her need was so desperate, and I was overwhelmed. She cried a lot – in the car, at home, for no apparent reason in the grocery store line-up. I thought it would never end. I didn’t see how it could.
5-year-old Hannah on a walk last weekend
But now, I miss it. As unbelievable as it is, even to me, I miss it. In spite of the screaming and the bodily fluids and the sleep deprivation that it entailed, I miss being everything to my daughter. She still depends on me, of course, but not in the same way. Every day she moves further down her path to independence. It’s so bitter-sweet, and I feel terribly wistful. So I wish that I appreciated what I had, when I had it.
At night, while Hannah sleeps, I can almost re-capture it. Almost. My sins and hers melt away, and I brush her hair out of her eyes and kiss her forehead. I soak it up, because there may never be another moment exactly like this again. I don’t want to let this speck of time slip through my fingers unnoticed, like so many others did. I didn’t know that it would feel this way, looking back. How quickly it would go, how soon I would be sneaking in to her room at night to try to re-capture a tiny piece of it. Just a tiny piece, just for a second.
bless you, I do the same thing – especially after a bad day.
.-= Mel´s last post ..Thankful Friday and the mojo is back =-.
So beautifully written as always Amber.
Aren’t they just the most perfect angel’s when they are sleeping…lol
I do it too, I can’t resist kissing their soft cheeks just one more time before I go to bed.
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I was just thinking of that this morning of how when I was up all night nursing I just wished it would end and they would sleep through the night. But now that I don’t get up part of me misses that quiet time when it feels like we two are the only ones together, awake in a slumbering world. If I could do it all over again I would try not to wish away time.
.-= the mombshell´s last post ..reality check =-.
Okay, I'm totally tearing up. So sweet and lovely, thanks for posting.
So sweet–and so true! I wish I could have read this when my son was a newborn, and all I wanted to do was put him down for 20 minutes so I could eat, shower, sleep. He’s now 14 months and getting him to cuddle is the bigger challenge–all he wants to do is run and climb and play! So thanks for the reminder to stop and enjoy this stage while it is here…
.-= Sarah´s last post ..Favorite things: BALLS! =-.
So beautiful. I do the same thing with my 5-year-old daughter when she sleeps. I whisper the same words to her after a bad day and I get all teary-eyed wondering how I could have let such an innocent, beautiful little girl get under my skin. But it happens. And she loves me anyway. And I love her more than anything.
I know. I wish I also knew the things I know now. But, frankly, I’d settle for parental knowledge that was handy at least for the younger siblings … but no, as parents we really have to learn new things with each child!
.-= Francesca´s last post ..Vintage worlds on our plates =-.
Oh yes, I do the same thing with my 3.5 year old. He was such a clingy cuddly toddler and now…he isn’t. For two years he was attached to me (quite literally, usually) and now I have to beg for a hug. I love to watch him sleep. The only time he is still and peaceful and I can hold him in my arms without him trying to do a back flip out of my arms for fun. I love the monkey clutching they do.
.-= AmberDusick´s last post ..My Secret to Happiness…Get Dressed? =-.
I’m pretty sure parents do this until the kids leave home. My kids are crazy sleepers, and I usually go to bed later than my husband, so my excuse is that I’m ‘resetting’ them to lessen the probability that they’ll wake us up at 3 a.m. to be re-tucked in. But really it’s to kiss them when they can’t get away.
.-= allison´s last post ..****************Wordless Wednesday: Two Solitudes =-.
I hope I get there…lately I’ve been reliving the sleep-deprivation of those early days so all I want is a few nights straight with no disruptions.
I do go in to check on V, make sure she is covered up. Sometimes she is in the craziest positions and it’s impossible to move her (well for me anyway) so I just grab and extra balnket and cover her up. I’m fearful of looking in on A…I swear she will subconsciously feel my presence and wake up!
.-= Carrie´s last post ..The bunny was delicious… =-.
I love this post. I totally get this. I had a night like that last night with my 4-year old, where I just needed to sneak in and – in a whisper – promise I’d try to do better tomorrow. Sigh.
.-= Susan´s last post ..a letter to vogue (draft) =-.
This is a very beautifully written post that absolutely captures your feelings and those moments. Even though I’m not a mommy yet, it makes my heart a bit heavy with emotion but also gives me an idea of how precious being a mother will be. Thank you for sharing this with us!
.-= Alice Knowlden´s last post ..Welcome to the Lusso Baby Blog! =-.
Okay, but promise me you’re not going to break into her house when she’s an adult and rock her in her sleep a la “Love You Forever”. Mkay? Because that’s just creepy.
I do it too – The Imp never stops moving when he’s awake, and while he’s cuddly when he feels like it, he’s not always cuddly when I feel like it. This post of yours, like so many of them, really hit home for me. Thank you.
.-= Alexis´s last post ..Wordless Wednesday – Speed Racer =-.
I promise, Alexis. I love my kids, but I draw the line at breaking and entering.
I check on J at least twice a night before going to bed. For one, he sleeps in funny positions. Just the other night his leg was hanging out of the crib. But most times I make sure he’s warm enough and make sure at least his legs are covered with a blanket. Somehow seeing him sleep helps wipe the crazy day we had and it actually helps me sleep better at night knowing he’s sleeping peacefully. Tomorrow is a new day.
.-= Sara´s last post ..We survived the bug =-.
(sniff) Have you ever read the book “I’ll Love You Forever”? This post reminds me of that. That book makes me weep every single time I read it.
.-= Dionna @ Code Name: Mama´s last post ..Big B, Little B, What Begins with B? =-.
Beautiful! Lately as I observe and enjoy my 9-month-old I wish I would have written more about what my 3-year-old did while she was a baby.
The tears are running down my face right now. I do the same thing…say sorry and promise tomorrow will be a better day. There is something magical about a sleeping child. Thank you for capturing it so wonderfully.
*pass the tissues*
Yes, you capture that sense of time passing, of our darlings moving past us, into the future…lovely.
Such a beautifully written post. I was tearing up reading it. It reminded me of my Hannah when she had colic and I thought I wouldn’t survive it. She was crying for no apparent reason and always wanted to be held. I didn’t leave the house for the first 3 months of her life because I was embarassed.
Now that she’s approaching 2 years old I am told (by her) that she no longer wants to be held. She wants to sleep with her stuffed doll – forget about mommy!
I do the exact same thing with her – I sneak into her bedroom and hold her hand. Some days she opens her eyes and looks a bit annoyed and pulls away but other days she hold on tightly and I tell myself “Yes! She actually loves me!”
.
.-= Cheryl´s last post ..Potty Training Tales =-.
A very sweet sentiment…. I too check on my sleeping babes (at 13 and 8 years old) and wonder at how innocent and beautiful they look.
However I DO NOT miss the crying relentlessly, clingy needy, helpless stage one bit. I was so releived when I realized it was finally over, and many years later I am still relieved. I felt like a complete failure as a parent back then while it was happening. Especially getting those judgmental looks and comments from parents of “angel babies”. My oldest was “high-needs” and he broke me. But as he crawled, he cried less, and as he walked it got even less traumatizing, and when he learned to talk it just was so much better. It was like his frustration was red-lined all the time he was a baby…. and so he screamed (and I cried).
NOW I love his personality and sense of humor and imagination so much that I am okay with more physical distance.
.-= *pol´s last post ..Spring has really sprung! =-.
Wow! This post was very moving to me. I too have a five year old and could have written the same words. I wish that I would have savored her first couple of years rather than wishing them away. Thank you for such a great post! Your blog always makes me think.
.-= Roula´s last post ..Love the Hair! =-.
I disagree with Alexis, and know Dionna is right, Amber; “I’ll Love You Forever” says it so beautifully. I got it when one of the girls was little (don’t even remember which one) and just cried my way thru readingit. I have letters I wrote them after I’d been harsh and they were so repentant.
Now when they are ill, or scared, stressed or hurt, they come and lay their adulthood on the kitchen table. The lower lip starts to tremble, the arms go around me and I hear, “Oh mommy, what am I going to do”? Most recently it was DD27, dealing with her sister’s secrets.
Days like this, I know I’ve done well. I can’t fix it, they know that, but they come to me and know that I’m here. Thanks for a superbly written piece that captures the moment as in amber.
There is something about watching children sleep that redefines peacefulness. It lowers my blood pressure. You captured it very nicely.
.-= Ironic Mom´s last post ..5 Reasons I Hate Crafts =-.
I’m the same except that I’m nostalgic for the present. Beautiful.
I love that napping picture. Nothing quite like the deep intense nap of a tired baby.
I’m thrilled every time the boys gain a new skill. But it’s definitely bittersweet as they move to “I do it!”
.-= Lady M´s last post ..Experiments that One Finds in Bathroom Cupboards =-.
That is beautiful. They are marching away into independence aren’t they?
I have never checked on my daughter at night while she sleeps. I am too afraid to wake her.
.-= Capital Mom´s last post ..Visitors =-.
Lovely. I think regrets are part of mommyhood, the wretched but necessary part that makes us better at it. Thanks for this reminder.
Sometimes I wake in the night and just have to go to his bedside to touch him, to reassure myself that he’s OK. He still shares my sleep/wake cycle that we established while co-sleeping so occasionally he’s awake in those wee small hours and we have a little chat. I treasure those moments. He had a lot of serious health issues in his first 8 months, and I’m thankful to report that none of them went unnoticed because of the co-sleeping/attachment stuff. However, now I still have that ancient need to keep an eye on him even when he’s in his own bed (and I am staying fit and limber to make it up the ladder a la “Love You Forever”)
.-= pomomama aka ebbandflo´s last post ..what do i do all day: Thursday’s photo essay =-.
That’s beautiful, Amber. As a father I don’t have the same bond with my kids as a mother has, but at this point in time I’m able to cuddle them and make them feel safe and comfortable. There will come a time when they grow up and Daddy can’t give them everything they need. I’ll be powerless…and I’m not looking forward to it.
Oh my goodness I totally know what you mean. It’s practically all I have left of that nighttime closeness that was once so tangible. I always kiss her head before I go to bed with my youngest. She told me she never feels it but I do it for me because I miss that once-a-baby girl. This is probably why I am holding on to the bed sharing arrangement with my youngest too.
.-= Melodie´s last post ..Review and Giveaway: Bravado Bliss Nursing Bra =-.
Uh this blog makes my heart break for the few moments I have left. My daughter is not even a year yet but I see the day coming fast when she just doesn’t need me. Thank you for the reminder to hold on to every second.