My daughter Hannah is 4 1/2 years old. She goes to daycare 3 days a week and she has made lots of friends there. Some are boys, most are girls. The gender awareness is already very apparent, they talk a lot about whether boys or girls are better or more fun. And they talk about boyfriends and girlfriends.
Gulp. These kids are 4.
Recently Hannah experienced what I can only refer to as ‘boy troubles’. It’s all pretty harmless and innocent stuff, really. But as her mother it’s awfully hard for me to listen as she explains how she likes this boy and laments that might not like her. It’s also hard for me to understand where this boy’s head is at. My daughter is clearly the coolest kid in preschool, and he would be lucky to have her.
As I talk to Hannah about her boy troubles I listen to my voice, and I hear my mother. I hear my mother telling me that anyone would be lucky to have me when I was 13 and boy crazy. I hear my mother telling me that there were plenty of fish in the sea, or that the right person would come along. I hear the anxiety that used to be in her voice. And I finally get it.
I am now a 30-something happily married mom of two. I’ve been there, I’ve done that, and I’ve moved on. I’ve known heartbreak and I know that while it feels like it will kill you it fades to nothing in time. You might not even remember that boy’s name in 20 years. Or he may be a total jerk in the cold light of day, as you view him with adult eyes at your high school reunion. You will silently wonder to yourself what you ever could have seen in him, why you wasted so much emotional energy on him.
But the problem is that you can’t spare your child that anguish. You just…can’t. You can issue all the platitudes you want. You can tell her that none of this will matter, that she’s better than him, that there’s someone out there waiting. But your child won’t believe you. I know that because I certainly never believed my own parents. They were old. They didn’t understand. Things were different back in the olden days when they were my age (if in fact they ever were – I sort of doubted it in all honesty).
Right now I wouldn’t say that Hannah is experiencing anguish. But I know that someday she will. As sure as the sun rises in the morning her heart will be broken so badly she’ll despair of ever repairing it. And I will try to tell her not to worry so much, that it will be OK in the end. But she won’t think I understand, won’t believe I’ve ever felt that pain myself.
But I wish I could tell her, and make her understand. Oh, how I wish I could. Because having a front row seat, well, it just doesn’t sound like a whole heck of a lot of fun.
I remember 13 year old Amber and I never knew you were boy crazy…hmm…..learned somthing new today.
Having a teen in the house this past year, I think I have learned maybe 1 thing about girls and boys. Be so open and so blunt and so honest that the kid will understand the words coming out of your mouth….kids though, that’s a trick one….I’ll call you when I am there.
I am sooo not ready for this!!!! you brought me back to high school in a flash! yikes-
It is deff more with grils i think my 10 year old has yet to become interested in girls at all!!! but i know it will come… ( i just want to postpone it a little more..)
So very well said. I have the same reservations about the teen years — I know how I felt then, and I know there’s little I’ll be able to do to help my kids make it through. It’s so heartbreaking.
“My daughter is clearly the coolest kid in preschool, and he would be lucky to have her.” – that is just awesome. The boy is clearly not all there…
LOL!
Uggggggghhhhhh! This is one of the future torments I realised I was going to have to face when we found out we were having a girl – nearly made me cry!
I think the key is to remember that they’re never going to believe you about there always being someone just for you. I just wish I had learned better to deal with anyone not liking me (boy or girl) and that it was/is as much about them as it was about me. I think that would have been valuable and thats what I hope I can teach Little Miss!
This is why I am so glad I have three boys. Seriously, I’m not sure I could handle even by proxy the wretched angst of those boy-crazy “will anyone ever love me” years between 12 and 16. Oy, I cringe just thinking about it.
My 5yo had three girlfriends this year in JK, and felt no angst whatsoever about it. I’m beginning to believe that somehow boys and girls are just hardwired differently.
oh, the things we wish we could protect them from
Watching my children go through hearbreak in their later teens and early twenties was terribly hard. But I nurtured and loved them, gave them comfort food and, most importantly, listened..and listened, until the worst was over.They survived, but it about killed me!
This terrifies me! I am so not ready for kids to be mean to my kids. Been there and it was awful. I have already started wondering what I would say. I think my parents thought they were saying the right things but they weren’t. Ahhh!
I have nothing to say except that I second what Brie says. I am so not ready for boy-issues or mean kid issues. I myself have a hard time with mean parent issues (like other parents). Yikes! You mean the world is going to affect my kiddo too.
Ah, glad to have your wisdom and experiences as a more seasoned mom to glean a lesson or two from.
So far my 4 yr old daughter is as oblivious to boy-girl drama as I was. Whether that will help or harm her remains to be seen.
Like one of your earlier commenters said, I’m so not ready for my boys feelings to be hurt.
The mother’s instinct to protect her child is a strong one.
my wee guy thinks that getting married would be cool. when he’s happy he says he feels just like he’s married (i’m chuffed that me and mr ebb seem to be putting a good face on the marriage thing if our son is so keen to follow the same route)
he’s 6y
i think he’s going to have his heart broken many times and i’m not sure what i’ll say to him
It’s funny for me with 3 boys (three incredibly handsome, charming boys
to think about all of this. Because, I do think about it, and I think about it often from the girls’ POV (because, well, I am the only one is the house who can’t write my name in the snow in that special way). I tell my boys that they are going to be heartbreakers, and to be gentle with the girls who tell them that they want to marry them (and they do, already!).
Don’t I know this feeling!! We always wish we could help the next generation, not realizing that WE are now the OLD ONES and that we just don’t understand…