Before I had kids I was a parenting expert. If I saw a kid melting down in the grocery store I knew just what had caused it, and what that sheepish-looking parent should do to fix it. Luckily I had the good sense not to share my pearls of wisdom, but I did retain a delightfully smug feeling. I knew that when I had kids of my own, I would do a much better job.
Somehow, I seem to have forgotten everything that I knew back then. When I am faced with my own toddler throwing himself down in the frozen foods section, I am at a loss. I can’t seem to effectively use my former wisdom, which was of course totally top-notch. It’s sad, really. I’m certain that if I could just put it all together, my life would be so much better, and my children would be perfect angels.
As I wax nostalgic for my lost parenting brilliance, I sometimes find it entertaining to contrast my present reality with the vision in my pre-parent head. Because one of the pieces of wisdom that has managed to penetrate my sleep-deprived brain and stuck around is that you have to be able to laugh, especially at yourself. And so, I have made a list for our mutual entertainment.
Visiting Calgary in 2004, just before I got pregnant with Hannah, contemplating my parenting genius
Things that I knew when I knew everything, but didn’t really work out.
- I would offer my kids age-appropriate choices and they would co-operate with me at all times as a result. Too bad my own kids frequently ignore me as I present choices, instead opting to run away while shrieking at top volume.
- I would always follow through as a parent, because failing to follow through is the worst thing a parent can do. Everyone knows that. Sadly, these days I regularly forget just what I’m supposed to be following through with, so I become the dreaded Inconsistent Parent. Horrors!
- My kids would always eat healthy food, and as a result they would develop broad palates and a taste for all things nutritious. Unfortunately, I failed to consider that if I don’t want my kids to eat junk food, I can’t eat it myself, and I’m not willing to give up my chocolate.
- If my kids used a whiny voice, I would simply refuse to listen to them, and they would quickly learn not to whine. Have you ever tried to ignore a perpetually whiny 2-year-old? Not so easy, is it?
- I would never bribe my kids. Children should be intrinsically motivated to good behaviour, based on an understanding of how their actions impact others. A lovely sentiment, but sometimes you need to get through a bank line-up in one piece. Offering a trip to Starbucks for some iced herbal tea and pastries not only keeps the kids calm, but frankly I could use it, too.
- I would never say, “Because I’m the mom, that’s why,” or, “If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you do it, too?” Let’s face it, these sorts of expressions do not represent the pinnacle of parenting. But every so often they’re all I’ve got.
- I wouldn’t talk about my kid’s poop, because who wants to hear about my kid’s poop? Answer: no one. Except me, and I can’t shut up about it.
- I would frequently take my children to fancy restaurants and similar places, so that they would learn how to behave properly in formal public settings. I can’t even get out of a kid-friendly restaurant without at least one child dissolving into tears, I am so not stepping the class level up a notch.
- I would not allow my children to press elevator buttons. I totally hated it when I had to wait for some 2-year-old to press an elevator button. Now, my own 2-year-old loves buttons so freaking much that I let him press the elevator buttons. It makes his day, and it really only takes a few extra seconds to show him which button to press.
Being assessed in early labour with Hannah, rapidly forgetting all my parenting genius
I’m sure there are more things I’ve forgotten, but what can you expect after nearly 5 1/2 years of chronic sleep deprivation? But maybe you can remember more. So, tell me – what did you swear you’d never do that you now do all the time? What seemed really brilliant before you had kids, but now seems kind of silly? Please share!
PS – Today I am thrilled to have a guest post on …infinitely learning…. Hillary’s blog always inspires me, and it’s worth a read at any time, so stop by and say hi!
I'm just waiting for the time Josh is a teenager so I can do all the things I think my students' parents should do, lol!
Joyce Poley wrote a wonderful song about just that. Have you ever heard her sing it?
Sadly, I have not. I clearly need to.
Thanks for the Monday morning laugh! #3 and #8 were both on my pre-parent list. But two things I’ve learned since becoming a parent are: 1) you cannot make a child eat–anything, and 2) even if you habituate your kids to restaurants, they will still have meltdowns about half the time.
And my husband has to remind me all the time not to eat chocolate chip cookies in front of our son if I’m not going to let him have one. (Mean mommy.)
Sarah’s last post … This Moment
I swore my kid wouldn’t know the existance of candy until she was 5…yeah, that didn’t work out so well.
Carrie’s last post … Monday Minute with DDoR
TOTALLY! I am reading a book on raising the "spirited child" and it's as IF they wrote it about my eldest- Cole… The book reminds us that spirited (difficult) children become spirited, energetic adults, whom we value in society! For example- what do you think Robin Williams would have been like as a terribe 2? Encouraging thought, eh?
Unfortunately I have a sister who doesn’t have kids who still thinks she knows it all. She sometimes reminds me of my shortcommings as a mother. Here are her little pearls of wisdom:
1. Always tell your child the truth, don’t let them live in a bubble and don’t lie to them about anything.
Yeah, except then you are telling them about how your dogs’ puppies died inside her. That’s just really sad and not appropriate for a 6 year olds ears. Will you be up with her late explaining about death while she tearfully asks how such a terrible thing could happen? No, you will be at home asleep in your perfect little world. I believe my daughter asked her if her dog ever had puppies when she came right out and told her that little gem.
2. Don’t spoil your children with material items at Christmas.
Oh yeah, don’t buy them toys at Christmas. Buy them books and clothing only because you want to see their devestated little faces on Christmas morning and remind them that there are children in the world that have nothing and that they should appreciate what they get. Nevermind that I love buying them gifts and that a few times a year we give away our toys to charity.
3. Don’t swear around your children.
OK so I think this is a good value but I don’t need my little sister to remind me – like I’m a child – when I mistakenly slip out the “s” word.
Don’t get me wrong, she is a wonderful sister and aunt but she has no idea how real life works with kids.
I personally don’t remember having any ideas really before having kids. But what still annoys me to this day are people who go on extended shopping trips in Walmart or any other hugs store with their kids. I feel so sorry for those kids as they whine, cry, scream and are miserable sitting in a cart for an hour or more. If your kids don’t like shopping either (a) don’t bring them or (b) make it a short trip. I still manage to offer a sympathetic smile or talk to the child to distract them though – we’ve all been there.
Tanya’s last post … Apron strings
Ha, this is great Amber. My biggest, smuggiest thoughts were when I saw dirty kids. You know, kids with uncombed hair and a dirty face? I used to think…how lazy is that parent? How could they not have just grabbed a cloth and a comb? Since having children though I have become that parent. I understand that the screaming that goes along with a comb should really only be induced in the comfort of my inner, locked bathroom. And as for the dirty face…I can put clean children in the car with nothing to occupy them in the back seat and after a twenty minute car ride, they come out dirty. I don’t know how they do it. I think my kids might be teaming up for a Vegas show some time soon – I’ll let you know!
As a parent now, I tend to make very dark jokes, loudly and in public. When I see someone giving me a ‘your pathetic’ look in the grocery store as Emma is freaking out, I quietly push my cart towards her and loudly ask her if she has lost her mommmy? This usually makes her laugh, but I am sure the other shoppers think I am delusional. Or, if they are really whiny I whinge right along with them…again, they think this is halarious and stop said annoying actions. I have shopped a huge shop with a child screaming her face off too. I have managed to ignore her even though no one else could. I thought about trying to communicate with the check out lady in sign language so I didn’t come across as a parent who just did’t care, but then I thought, what if she new sign language and I gave up.
You are a spectacular parent Amber…you children are living proof of that. Children aren’t supposed to be perfect angels. I want my kids to stand up and have a loud voice when it come to the things they care about when they are older (like senior rights and taking care of aging parents) and if we don’t give them the room and understanding to practice now, how will they ever get it when they are older?
Heather’s last post … Country Mouse
Oh that made me laugh and Heather’s comment is priceless too:)
I swore that I will never give into the pink thing… uhm, a 3 1/2 year old is incredibly persistent and most of her clothes, toys etc are pink.
I will never buy plastic toys only wood bit FAT FAIL.
I will never say I am busy. Hm, failed on that one too.
Mel’s last post … Thankful Friday
I loved reading those! Personally I didn’t have ideas like that before having children. I think a big part of that is because I come from a large family and have always had to help out with the younger children be them siblings or my nieces and nephews. It helped me know beforehand what I was getting into. Especially when I was in 7th grade having to wake up in the middle of the night to bottle feed my niece and get her back to bed.
Amy’s last post … How I deal with clutter
THAT is hilarious. I like this line: I wax nostalgic for my lost parenting brilliance!
I was a parenting expert for a LOOOOOOOOOONG time, always freely offering my advice. Oddly, no one thanked me?! Now I have that CRAZY (adorable of course) kid and he’s not even one yet. The seal has already been broken on cake, ice cream and chips and at parties I let him eat everyone’s food, play in the dirt, lick his feet and hands and don’t even bother washing them until the end of the day. I hate shoes and so does he so he is pretty much barefoot most of the time (except in photos). He was crawling so agressively that his pants all have enormous holes in the knees and when asked to put him jeans for a photo shoot, I was embarrassed to say I didn’t have anything remotely respectable.
I regularly pat him to sleep or sleep with him despite being pro sleep-training fan. I see that it’s really just a matter of months before we are all co-sleeping! It goes on.
Still I wouldn’t trade my little maniac for the world.
Ha I swore I wouldn't leave a trail of cheerios and raising behind me everywhere I went, but I do.
I thought parenting would be one day-long playdate. Truth is, I’m tired of playing after 15 minutes, especially the same games over and over again day after day. Parenting is a lot more repetition than I thought it would be. Even with all the warnings and advice, you’re never prepared until you’re in it.
I also swore I’d be the “cool mom”. Ha! In fact, I may be less cool than everyone else.
C @ Kid Things’s last post … It Calls to Me by Name
Oooohhh, I was an absolutely fabulous parent…before I had children that is. I knew how to get other people’s kids to stop crying, I knew how to make them laugh, and I most certainly knew how to judge other parent’s misgivings in public places!
I do admit to leaving a cart full of groceries at a store because one or the other of my kids were being particularly difficult (sorry to the store for the warm milk, melted ice cream, and limp green onions BTW). I also admit that I was the one in Tim Horton’s, belly about to pop in a day with a fresh new baby inside, and a toddler wrapped under one arm, donut and chocolate milk smashed into the other as I took said screaming toddler out of Tim’s so nobody else had to be subjected to his meltdown.
And I also admit, multitude of Mom’s with screaming babies in Loblaws yesterday, that it was me who sanctimoniously declared aloud to my 11 year old daughter that if that were me I’d have left my cart square in the middle of the aisle and would’ve taken said screaming baby home to Dad and returned to grocery shop in peace (and leave all the other shoppers to shop in peace as well). Ahhhhh, yeah…guess I still think I’m perfect with everyone elses kids somedays huh?
I swore I would NEVER use the TV as a babysitter. I’m sure I don’t need to elaborate.
I loved this list so much, I’m going to feature it as today’s Single Shot on my Facebook page. Thanks Amber, I find this kind of honesty and reality so refreshing and uplifting. Yes, uplifting.
Christine LaRocque’s last post … Honest and focused
I don’t think I thought about it all that much, because I was so scared of all of it. But I did think that tantrum was kids’ automatic state in shopping malls — I was kind of pleasantly surprised when my kids didn’t automatically start screaming and whining the minute we entered one. I do feel kind of bitter about the fact that, from age one to three Angus would eat anything we handed him — cajun salmon, pad thai, artichokes…and then went and developed his own damned palate. I really don’t think it matters how much you offer your kids a broad range of food choices — some of them will be open to a lot of foods, and some will only want hot dogs and noodles for the first fifteen years of their lives.
allison’s last post … If You Dont Have Anything Nice to Say- Say it Loud
#2 made me laugh (about not following through). Yesterday my husband put K in time-out because he was acting like a maniac with Em. When K got out of time-out my husband asked him why he was put in there. K couldn’t remember…and neither could my husband! Talk about a pointless time-out.
Marilyn’s last post … Plant Killer
hmmm, i can’t think of any specific examples but i know i was a smug jerk. i would see kids running around screaming in the store and think to myself, “MY precious darling future children will NEVER behave like THAT.”
luckily, like you, it was only in my head and i never shared my AWESOME advice with anyone. now i’m learning not to judge situations so quickly and probably mind my own business. kids are crazy, independent, individual people who don’t exactly obey on command. (nor would i want them to)
the Grumbles’s last post … THE TRAIN HAS NO WHEELS and yes- im yelling
My kids have had many a pointless time out because I forgot why they were there. Also, I swore off tv before age two, the empty calories of juice, and co-sleeping. Broken, broken, and horribly broken. Oh well.
Oh, goodness.
What I can think of most clearly pre-baby, was always walking through stores, seeing parents in various states of attempting to respond to/entertain their crying babies, and me thinking: Geez, if they’d only pick them up, they’d be fine.
Enter child #1, who had colic & cried. Constantly. No matter what degree of attention, movement, carrying, entertaining, or not, was taking place. She just always cried.
My mom says its payback. Yeah.
As a mom of two now, I withhold nearly ALL judgment. Because, I’ve had the baby who doesn’t stop crying, the toddler throwing a tantrum in the middle of the checkout aisle, and is so mad she’s trying to gag herself, and the kid in the fancy restaurant who is throwing things off the table.
I realize now that children are their own people. And as much as we wish, as parents, we had control over our kids… we really don’t. And really? In the long run, that’s a good thing.
kelly @kellynaturally’s last post … Rubber bands- mix tapes- and nostalgia
As per #6, the other day I said “GET DOWN FROM THERE OR YOU’LL BREAK YOUR NECK!” Related: I also said “I warned you. Don’t come crying to me when you hurt yourself.” WTF? Where did that come from?
Before I had kids, Supernanny seemed so smart. Now I think she’s a little nuts. And the following through thing? It’s a good idea in theory, but the problem comes when you blurt out something crazy, like “STOP WHINING AND GET IN THE CAR RIGHT NOW OR WE’RE NOT GOING TO GRANDMA’S!” Jordan says stuff like this sometimes and I have to remind him that we still have to go to Grandma’s because we said we’d be there for dinner or whatever. I always felt sorry for the parents of screamers in the grocery store, but now that it occasionally happens to me it’s not as bad as it looks. It’s awkward to see all those ugly stares from people who think children should be smacked for crying, but I just pick up my child and remove her from the situation.
Oh and about the poop thing–Ivey pooped a whole blueberry (unscathed) a couple of weeks ago and I must’ve told ten people. I though it was rather remarkable. We do have to watch her super closely when she’s eating them now, though.
Jenny’s last post … Dressing to impress myself
So true, so very very true. I may have recently said something like: "if you sit quietly and play with the iPod we will go to Starbucks for a ginger cookie, please please sit quietly" …that may have been heard last week while I was sitting in an hour long wait at the passport office with my almost 3 yr old.
SO true, but I give my Iphone to my 12 year old to keep him busy while i wait for whatever reason… that part never seems to stop !!
Amber-
Fortunately I too had the good sense to keep my mouth shut when I was a childless parenting expert! Now I really keep it shut (well… most of the time, except when it makes good blog material like this: http://dreamgardencoaching.com/blog20-and-a-webkin/).
My pre-parenthood list looked very much like yours. I also swore that my baby would be raised in gender-neutral manner. And that we would never have guns (even pretend ones) in our house.
Then I had a boy.
So yeah- when theory meets practice, practice kicks theory’s ass.
Love reading everyone else’s pre-kid views on parenting!
GREAT post!
My answer – resort to giving my kids sugar while shopping – Lollypops work best because they are entertained while sucking on them for a while. I was the best parent before I had kids too!
Wendy Irene’s last post … Featured Article
Ha! I am not a parent, but I was a step-mom for a while, and it was sort of horrifying for me to hear my mother’s words coming out of my mouth! The prospect of becoming my mother was just too horrifying to contemplate, so at this point my only children are of the feline variety!
Rebecca The Greeniac’s last post … When Harmony with Nature Turns to Discord
Ha! Great list! Many of those top my own personal list. Mine also included:
-Will never let my child have a temper tantrum on the floor of a shopping store. Ya, well. I try to keep them off the floor as a general rule, but when it turns into full meltdown, It’s kinda hard to avoid. I have learned to cope though, if you stare directly back a the googling adult who’s walking by and calmly say hello, nice day and all that you don’t tend to get the look of shame from them. People have a hard time giving you the look of shame when your looking them in the eye.
-No kid of mine will ever use a soother! Thumbs are natural, yadda yadda yadda. Right! That may have been the case for kid #1, but I’m still trying to break her of that thumb. I also learned that each kid is entirely different and what works for #1 may not work for #2 or #3. Versatility is my new game.
The biggest thing I’ve learned is much like gardening, never say never when it comes to what you will do as a parent, because one day you are so going to have to break that rule!
Laura’s last post … Harvesting the week- Garden partys- peas and more!
To be honest, I don’t think I gave kids or parenting any thoughts in my pre-kids times:)!
Francesca’s last post … The best coffee
Oh, the sit-com wisdom that spouts from my mouth. One of these days I will say, “Just wait until your father gets home” and I will be serious. The other day I said “And don’t come crying to me when – ” Scary.
These are my biggies, though I didn’t pay too much attention to kids / parenting before I had my own.
1. I would never yell at a child.
2. I won’t make food an issue.
Hahhahahahahaha.
clara’s last post … Controversunday- That New York Times Article
Love this list!
My biggest one is thinking I wouldn’t swear in front of my kids. I am sooo guilty of doing it. And the worse part? I STILL judge other moms when I hear them swear in front of their kids! It’s like my own swearing doesn’t count, or I don’t hear myself. Or maybe I just don’t really do it in public where other people will judge me! LOL!
I have a pic that looks just like the one of you in the hospital (except it’s me, of course!) – Love it!
ShannonL’s last post … Intentional Happiness- Vacation!!!
Oh, this is great! Thanks for reminding me of all the things I too KNEW before I had kids. My list is pretty identical to yours and none of them worked out. I swore I’d never, ever pronounce things incorrectly to match the cute baby way he speaks. I don’t baby talk back, but come on…”schroom-room” instead of “mushroom” and “elephlimp” instead of elephant? Those are too cute not to leak out of my mouth.
AmberDusick’s last post … How to Make Beeswax Wood Polish woodmouse recipe
I would never let my kids watch TV…yeah right.
I sunk to the lows of bribery on the very first long distance road trip we took. You can have a cookie if you get back in the car!
Lady M’s last post … Awesomest Rollercoaster
Oh, this is sooooo good! Seems that most of us Mamas out there can relate. Thank you for the giggles!
Kristin’s last post … A Love List
I would never let my child sleep in my bed! Well, that worked out well- not. My first came in at 9 months when teething and didn’t leave until she was 4 years old! Luckily, Santa brought her and her little sister big girl beds- Yeah! I also judged people who had their kids on “leashes”. I never used one, but after having a crazy two year old, I thought about and understood why someone would use one in a crowded place, etc. Great post- I enjoyed it.
Jen
Creative and Curious Kids!
Jen’s last post … The Baby Times! 13th Edition-A Few of Our Favorite Things
This is hysterical! I, too, thought I knew everything before my child existed. And now I have no clue. I wonder if we will suddenly “know everything” again when we are grandparents!
Old School/New School Mom’s last post … An Anonymous Reader Attacks
Mark this one as a masterpiece! HILARIOUS!!!!!
I too, would never use TV as a babysitter.
When going down for a nap, all I would need to do is put my baby in his crib and he’d go right asleep. My son quickly showed me that was not going to happen.
I thought spanking was an appropriate and effective way to discipline a child. Definitely changed my mind on that.
Do I have unlimited space in this comment box?
I relate to all of those Amber and I am so glad I’m not the only one.
Melodie’s last post … Vegetarian Foodie Fridays- My New Kitchen
Ooooh what a great list! It’s so true – I felt that way too about parenting – like, ‘DUH’ can’t any of these parents just do the right thing!? ha ha ha! Little did I know (and I just have a 5 month old!). Here’s my additions:
1. I said I’d eat all healthy when I was prego, but I didn’t count on having INTENSE McDonald’s cravings (not to mention I have to drive by like fifty of them on my way to work!)
2. I said I’d never use a pacifier, but after a week of a newborn crying, I just couldn’t deal!
3. I said I’d just let my baby “cry it out” to learn to sleep through the night. But I can’t even last 5 minutes of hearing my little one crying so that didn’t work out!
I could probably go on & on! Thanks for the humorous reflections!
Julie Kieras’s last post … Reminisce Week- Our Pregnancy – Welcome!
ah – the tv/Wii/laptop/video/DVD babysitting denial ………. i taught my son how to plug them and turn them on as soon as was humanly possible and now i get a small lie in at the weekend. though i do feel a little smug that now he’s added the piano to his early morning repertoire.
cough! i had a long time of being parenting expert since i started late with the real experience. i think i was just incredibly irritated at crying children in public but i can now, to my amazement, manage a whole grocery shop or whatever in public with a full volume child in tow. i manage to ignore both child and the general (all knowing) public! success.
one of the nicest (?) in public ‘moments’ was the Starbucks lady – an older lady stopped by our table just after witnessing the Wee Guy and I declare a truce. We were playing/reading cooperatively together (it hadn’t been pretty before then). She smiled and told me I was being a wonderful mother. she made my day, and when i grow up i want to be just like her
pomomama aka ebbandflo’s last post … friday forte- note to self
I was a sixth grade teacher before having kids and somehow had this idea that my ability to effectively manage and educate 30 twelve-year-olds for six hours a day would automatically give me parenting expertise. Ha!
I had studied early childhood developmental theories and had so many great plans for healthy-eating, TV-free, well-behaved, intellectually stimulated kids. Instead I have two normal boys who smear peanut butter on the walls, throw tantrums, can quote DVDs word-for-word, and love Timbits. And I’m a better (albeit humbler) person for it.
Great post Amber
Nicole’s last post … My Appointment with The Gastroenterologist