It’s Thursday and I’m Crafting my Life! June’s theme is money. Which is hard, but important. Last week I explored my money issues. This week I explore the ins and outs of sharing finances with my husband Jon. Money can be one of the hardest parts of marriage, after all.
Jon and I have pretty similar approaches to money. We are both savers, and we both like having money in the bank. We also both take the time regularly to stay on top of our finances, and keep track of where our money is going. We talk about money a lot, in terms of planning and budgeting. We generally see eye-to-eye on our finances. And even when we don’t, our values are similar enough that we can talk through our disagreement and reach consensus. It works for us.
On the other hand, because Jon and I have similar approaches to handling money, we tend to reinforce each other. We both look to money for security, and avoid spending. This has kept us on the financial up-and-up, generally speaking. But it’s also kept us from enjoying our money or spending it in ways that could grow a business or net us future rewards. There is no counter-balance to our viewpoint, and sometimes I’m not sure that’s all good.
I suppose it’s not surprising that Jon and I have similar views, when you consider that we’ve grown up together in so many ways. When I started dating him I was in grade 9 and so was he. We were spending our babysitting and paper route income to go to the occasional movie, we weren’t exactly rolling in dough. As our shared income and lifestyle has grown, we’ve figured it out together. Since our experience is shared, so is our perspective.
Jon and I have shared all of our money for almost 10 years. Before we got married we opened our joint bank account. All of our income goes into this account, and all of our expenses come out of it. We did keep individual accounts so that we could have some ‘fun money’ of our own to play with, but that largely fell by the wayside when we took on expenses like a house and children. Pretty much everything is shared jointly, regardless of who’s earning more at the time.
Over the course of our marriage, the primary income-earner has shifted back and forth a couple of times. Right now, with me at home, it’s Jon, but it hasn’t always been this way. For many years it was my engineering job that paid the mortgage. By keeping our finances together, we’ve made it less about what I make or what Jon makes, and more about what we make. I like it that way – it feels more equitable.
I haven’t given up all of my financial autonomy, though. It’s important to me that I have my own credit score and financial history. People get hit by buses, after all, and when that happens it can be a problem if you haven’t used credit in your own name in more than a decade. So I maintain a credit card of my own, and several of the household bills are in my name. Jon does the same thing. While we share our money, we also try to ensure that we are both maintaining our own independent financial lives in the eyes of the world.
I don’t think that the way that we handle money in our marriage is the way that everyone should handle money. We all need to work out our own paths. I do think that, at minimum, it’s important that you can talk about this with your partner. It’s important to be up front and honest about money, and make sure that everyone understands what’s happening. Because as much as marriage is about love, it’s at least as much about money and the business of managing lives. Romantic? Not so much. But important nonetheless.
How about you? How do you and your partner approach your shared finances? Or do you share finances? I’d love to hear all about it.
June’s Crafting my Life series is about money. On the last Thursday of the month, which just happens to be the 24th, I will include a link up. To participate, write a post on this month’s theme anytime in June, or track down a post you’ve written on the subject sometime in the past, and add yourself to the list. Then read everyone else’s ideas and thoughts and be inspired! Check out the link-ups from January, February and March to get a feel for how it works.
Your financial situation is very similar to ours. We are both very independent, yet we allow ourselves to depend on each other for certain things. We each have our own checking and savings account, plus we have a joint account. My husbands work requires him to spend more lunch/coffee money so that comes from his play money. Bills come from our joint account. We do split the utilities and pay our own car payments. Plus I pay for daycare, healthcare, and groceries, he pays for mortgage and car insurance. Somehow it all evens out. I’m sure it’s not split down the middle, but it has become neutral grounds for us. We don’t talk finances a lot. It stresses my husband out. A lot. But we both have a 401K and we’ll occasionally talk about that. His views are different than mine, but then again, he’s putting more away than I am.
I’m sure in a couple of years we’ll be at a different point in our lives. I hope to have baby #2 and being home without a car payment. That’s my short term goal. But we’ll also need to bring up the financial talk again. Because I’m itching to go back to school.
If it’s not one thing, it’s another…
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Finances are one of the bizarre areas of my marriage. I didn’t get together with my hubby until we both were done with all that student-debt nonsense, and we had both done well on stock options at work (although him MUCH more so than me, due to having been there much longer). I know that we have the same opinions when it comes to savings vs spending, living within our means, etc. But we’re in that wonderful/horrible position where we don’t really have to do much budgeting (even with me on maternity leave), and so — we don’t. It’s wonderful because I know that I don’t have to worry about whether we can afford things (neither of us is big spenders anyway, so it’s rarely an issue), but horrible in that I was so accustomed to balancing my budget when I was a student and for the years after when I was trying to build up equity and pay down student debt, that now I feel like I’m just being lazy. We’ve talked about getting a joint account, but we’ve never gotten around to it. The bills get mostly paid by him since I’m on mat leave, but the mortgage actually comes out of my account (luckily the mortgage is small enough that it’s not an issue, even on the pittance that is mat leave EI income.)
I feel like there’s a better way that we should be doing things, but it doesn’t seem broke enough to fix yet. But do I really want to wait until it’s broken?
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Great post, Amber! In our house it’s working almost the opposite. Ross and I have been together a long time (but not since grade nine – sheesh every time I read that I am blown away!) but we only got married 3 years ago. At the time I had huge amounts of debt and was a credit train wreck and although we argued about it, Ross was pretty adamant about keeping things separate when we were dating. When we moved in together, we actually sat around and would write cheques to each other for half of this an half of that. I hated it. When he finally proposed, I had had a credit epiphany and consolidated and was living in a cash only world. But it wasn’t till I went on mat leave a year after we got married that we opened a joint account. And you know what? By then it was so ingrained in us to be separate that we routinely forgot to use it. Now we use that account as a savings account for the entire family, and Kale’s RESP contribution comes out of it. Otherwise, household expenses just sort of get paid – bills are all in my name so I pay those and mortgage comes out of Ross’ account and whoever goes to the grocery store happens to pay for them. And it happens to work out in terms of who makes what income. And finally, we are on the same page with our financial goals and debt-savings ratios. Only took a decade.
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I love hearing about other couple’s financial set-ups–I always learn so much. My husband and I have always kept separate checking accounts–with no joint account–in our ten years together. There’s no real rhyme or reason to this, I guess we’re just lazy. So the way things work is: he pays our house and car, I pay all other expenses (utilities, daycare, groceries, household goods and clothes). It works for us, for now. And we often write checks back and forth to each other to pay for big ticket items or when one of us has a credit card bill that’s a little higher than expected (this way we always pay off our credit cards every month).
We have done lots of financial planning so that we’re socking away money into house funds, educational funds, and retirement funds (and he’s topping up my RESP right now since he makes more than I do), so I feel like we’ve set our financial priorities together. But right now, I’m experimenting with Heather’s “cash budget pouch system” to see if I can get my personal spending priorities in order: http://simple-green-frugal-co-op.blogspot.com/2009/06/are-you-using-envelope-system.html
For instance, I spend most of my disposable income on farmers market food, books, and cool stuff for our son, but I really need to upgrade my work wardrobe. So by setting aside money every month into a “clothing” pouch, I hope I can force myself to buy some new duds. Wow, that is something I’d never thought I’d say!
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Mike and I have very similar views as you guys. He’s always said that when we got married we were joining our lives and that meant bank accounts too. We have one joint account that everything goes into and every thing comes out of.
He has in the past teased me about the fact he took on a liability when we got married (ie I had a student loan, albeit a smallish one) while he brought in a substantial savings to go towards buying a house but really, we are equal.
I do have a couple of credit cards in my name and I use them occasionally so the credit score stays active. My mom only got her first credit card in her own name a few years back and it was quite a challenge for her to build her credit rating since she’d always been in joint accounts with my dad. I want to know that I have my financial independance set if it is needed.
I will say I took great joy in the fact I was the main breadwinner, even though it was only 3 months, while he was on EI. I rather doubt it will ever happen as I can see him making WAY more than me in the future
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My husband and I opened a joint account when we got married, and we both were working, so whatever money was spent was not a big deal. In the past few years, I started taking in money through my Paypal account from writing jobs, Etsy sales, etc. And that money was solely mine. I didn’t realize how much I liked that. Last October, I was laid off from my regular full time job, cutting deeply into household finances. And I had no issue at all “asking permission” from my husband before making significant purchases (such as shoes, not groceries or anything like that) because honestly, it was him earning the money and I didn’t really have a right to buy things with it. But, then he started using Mint.com to track our expenses and budget and stuff, and he added my Paypal account! So, now that income shows up there, and he holds me liable for what I’m purchasing with that money. It makes me so mad. But, I know he’s just stressed. We’re in a rough place financially right now, and every little bit counts. But still, if I go to the damn coffee shop for lunch twice a month, I should be allowed to do that without a lecture, because that is my money that I earned. GAH.
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I’ll forward your post to my friend Sheila, the money coach, and ask her to weigh in. Our relationship with money is so primal (I realize that makes not sense but it feels deep) and fascinating. I’ve always been a super cheapskate, super saver and my husband is fiscally conservative. The problem is, we think small. We need to loosen our purse strings and dream bigger, take risks. Our conservative natures have kept us in jobs we’re not fullfilled by and held us back in so many ways.
Vis-a-vis how we do money, we have a joint account of course, but also maintain sep accounts and sep credit cards. We each put in a certain amount into the joint account monthly, which is based on how much each of us is earning. I like having separate RRSPs and savings for the very silly reason that worked so hard for it. So far, our joint system works well – I use that money for pretty much everything home and child related and use my own money for courses and clothing and outings with friends. It’s totally psychological because we could easily just amalgamate everything!
Great topic and very aprospos of my not-yet-totally-decided whether to go freelance or keep a foothold in a stable job. Decisions. Decisions.
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We have a shared pot. We’ve been together since we were 17 years old and we just got used to saving up and sharing money for little weekend trips and such.
We have a monthly budget and we organize it at the beginning of the month. All the money for the bills gets put into our checking account (with a few hundred dollar buffer) and we take food/laundromat/pocketcash money out and put it in envelopes for the month so we don’t overspend. We then deposit any excess money into one savings account so it builds up and we know how many months ahead we are sitting on.
I have to say I’m a little jealous of your fantastic engineering income ability. My best friend is an engineer and after having a kid she still works 2-3 days a week and she loves it. We started having kids before either of us were established in a career so we’ve mostly focused on getting dh up and going as money maker so that I had flexibility to birth/nurse etc. Our plan is to once these newborn years are over for us to start supporting me on my career goals and be able to contribute. I feel like that is going to feel so good!
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wow, you live in such a different (financial) era than we do! Will we ever really catch up?
You totally lost me when you mentioned one’s own credit name and the possibility of being hit by a bus … what can I say, I’m so glad we don’t have any busses around here:)
PS Is the Euro zone going to hold? That’s a financial problem that I’m more familiar with these days.
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I started to date my husband at 15 too, he was 18, so we grew up together like you. Our money was pooled in some ways before marriage, but then completely right after. It was a hard leap when we finally did it, but I’m glad we did. I’ve always been the the “financial planner” in our relationships simply because my husband is not a planner, or even very organized. It can be a burden, a stressful one. We’ve tried to change that lately by having him get more involved. There has been some success. But not enough for my liking. If something happened to me, he would have no idea of our full monetary picture. I don’t think that’s a good idea, so I’ll persevere in bringing over to the money side.
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My husband and I have a joint account as well. Both of our paycheques go in there and all of the bills are paid from that account. We also each have a savings account that money goes into each week. This is a relatively new idea for us, but it does allow for buying gifts for each other. It is also a little buffer in case we run short in the joint account. I have also thought about the whole “hit by a bus” scenario and feel better that while the joint account would be frozen if something were to happen to one of us, we would still have the money in our individual accounts to access.
I think this works for us because we make roughly the same amount of money. If one person made significantly more, it might be more of a challenge.
I don’t like how ignorant I am about our finances right now (not so much the big picture, but the details), so I’ll just say I’m trying to improve that.
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We’ve been married for almost 8 years and we’ve always had a joint account. We deposited our paycheques there and everything comes out of there too. We don’t really look at who earns what and who can therefore spend what.
When we first got together, we had the idea of keeping separate spending accounts for each of us but it didn’t stick – felt like too much trouble. We also had a discussion re: my hefty student loans where I offered to pay them myself by keeping some of my paycheque for them. He insisted that we would pay them off together. At the time, that seemed like a really big sacrifice on his part…but now after all this time, I’m so used to the idea that everything we have is ours (whether that’s income or debt or bills).
We discuss our purchases together but I don’t feel that it comes down to “asking permission” as much as being on the same page about what’s in the account, whether we can afford it and whether the money could be better used elsewhere. Our only credit card is in my name for the reason Amber mentioned about busses I suppose but I don’t know for sure how important that really is in the end.
In 2006, I didn’t return to work after mat leave so he definitely became the major earner though I did various things that still brought in some income. Last year for the first time ever, my income was actually ZERO. That sometimes bothers me but I also care for the kids, keep the house tidy, cook dinner every night and save us astronomical daycare fees. I think we’re even.
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My husband and I consolidated everything when we got married. I had over a decade of being single behind me so I had little need to hold onto my own account or separate funds to make me feel independant. I’m not sure I understand having separate accounts. It doesn’t bother me, of course – people can do what they want – but when you’re building a life together it seems odd to keep two different systems. I don’t know what the advantage is, unless one partner is very bad with money and needs to be reigned in by having a separate, limited pool.
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I do all the finances. We tried sharing it when we first got together but bills were unpaid at an alarming rate. I took over from there and Hubs really doesn’t know what’s going on. We both have cards and such in our own names but all bills are paid by our joint account.
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We share all of our money too, and I think that’s the only way to do it. Although it is a hassle when trying to plan surprises! I want to do his birthday shopping this month and I’m going to have to be sneaky and lock him out of one of our accounts so he doesn’t see the transactions.
I commented on your other money post about how I’m pretty different and wish I had your security. My husband and I reinforce our spending habits for the worse as well… While we do keep priorities in mind, it is a LOT easier to splurge and spend when you have a partner in crime!
I think what you’re doing is great though, and your kids will have security and savings, which is PRICELESS. We are personally trying to find the perfect mesh, the best mix of both worlds.
I do have to point out that while we share finances no matter who is making more, I am the budgeter and the boss of the money!
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I think it’s very common for people just to share money once they get married. My husband and I immediately joined financial forces (however dismal they were) when we were engaged. We couldn’t handle our own separate accounts and then a joint one so we decided to just have one account.
After signing our mortgage and birth of our daughter, I think this one account has been much easier to manage instead of if we had a joint one and then one for fun money. There is no fun money (well not alot of it) once you have a child and mortgage to pay for. HAHA.
I’m like many of the women commenting before me. No matter who makes more, I usually am the one that is budgeting and making financial decisions. It’s easier because I am the one at home and can make telephone calls during the day while my husband is doing his engineering thing.
I’m the boss! Or maybe that’s his strategy to keep me happy. I am a control freak and always need to have the last word.
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For the first year after we married, we kept track of “play money” so that neither of us felt like the other was spending too much on frivolous things. After that point, we saw that things were equitable enough that we didn’t bother any more. SwingDaddy likes to splurge more on larger things (electronics, etc), but I have smaller things more often. Works out.
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